‘I Fear Smoking’: self forgiveness

Posted: April 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

For my DIP assingment 5, one of the mind constructs I did is ‘I fear smoking’. So quit duh!  Perhaps one day I will stop smoking , right now I no longer drink alcohol, do drugs, since beginning my DIP course-eat very little sugar/crap , no longer wear make-up, jewlery (except wedding rings), no longer wear high heels and very soon will cut my hair   short-a step one for me.  I am taking these steps not because someone ‘tells’ me to but because they are surprisingly ‘freeing’ and I feel less like a ‘fake’  ‘dress up doll’ much less burdened and more able to face myself in the mirror self  honestly! Lovin’ it.

Anyway…here’s part of my process about pictures that come up around the thought ‘I fear smoking’.

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I have pictures that come up of me in a hospital, suffering, vomiting, going through painful treatment, being exposed as diseased, being exposed as stupid for continuing to smoke for 35 years, humiliated, pictures of me bald (lol) because of treatment, receiving bad news/test results over the  phone, receiving bad news from a doctor, telling my children I have  cancer, telling my family. A picture of me in a hospital bed in anguish over stupidity of smoking and dying. Jaclyn and Garrett, my children, crying.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to have a picture of me in the  hospital, dying of a smoking related illness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture of me in a hospital room and lying on a bed, dying of cancer or heart disease brought about because of smoking where I am bald, in pain, gaunt, humiliated, vomitting, sick, with my children crying at the foot of the bed and a doctor giving me bad news on the left, a nurse sticking a needle in my arm on the right, in anguish because of the stupidity of smoking for 35 years- to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  connect the thought ‘I fear smoking’ to a picture in my mind of me in a hospital room and lying on a bed, dying of cancer or heart disease brought about because of smoking where I am bald, in pain, gaunt, humiliated, vomitting, sick, with my children crying at the foot of the bed and a doctor giving me bad news on the left, a nurse sticking a needle in my arm on the right, in anguish because of the stupidity of smoking for 35 years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of me lying on a hospital bed, dying of cancer or heart disease brought about because of smoking –to represent the punishment I deserve-painful death–for not listening to human law-quit-that smoking will cause disease deterioration/decomposition of my physical human body ‘sooner’ than if i didn’t smoke.

I realize it is really not that long after- 5=10=20 years- that human beings decide it is not tragic that my human physical body dies and that it is in fact ‘normal’ ‘acceptable’ ‘natural’ even! 

I realize that this picture in my mind is only there because of messages I have received about smoking from society over the years. I realize it is up to me whether I accept and focus on this picture or not,when I can take back my power and say ‘delete. I no longer accept and allow myself to go into my mind and focus on this picture that upsets and frightens me about my health. I do not accept and allow myself to get lost in my mind with pictures of ‘consequences’ of smoking. I know I am one and equal to my human physical body ,here, in this moment , here,  in this breath.

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear when I have a picture in my mind of me sick in the hospital due to smoking, I stop, I breath. I no longer allow these pictures to control me instead I realize I direct myself here in the physical and stop all reactions based on fear about smoking. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by these pictures of the supposed consequences of smoking.

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