first blog…my process at Desteni…journal Jan. 4/11

Posted: January 6, 2011 in Uncategorized

jan. 4/11
i was going to read more about write yourself to freedom by the pen–facinating!–but fear turned me in the direction of self preservation
and i am using the time to wash my hair , wax, put jewlery and make up on.I am feeling frightened about my husband not liking me without
make up, since desteni i have begun to question the use of makeup/jewlery/ hair fussy each day. its exhausting. never was one to like the ritual
of all the body fuss each dAY. just lately-using this new laptop-which had built in webcam-i
have seen how much my face has aged. i have always prided myself on being pretty and looking young. i turned 50 in november. don’t
have many concerns about it. i honestly try to see it as just a number and not who and what i am. but self honestly i am terrified of growing
older=ugly=abandonment=alone=poverty=homeless=cold….if i was guaranteed to look like jane fonda at 70 that would be acceptable.
i always–until very recently– wanted to have breast implants. i had my nose fixed 3 times (although really not much change)in my early 20’s.
my hair is thinner, my teeth are no longer white and i am missing a few. my skin around chin is sagging. i look ugly without make up.
men dont’ love ugly women. i need a man to provide an income for a home and some sence of security. these are not all my thoughts
but one side–again that constant conflict–I WONDER why i did not persue further my business career-i was in commercial sales- 20’s-good but
somewhat sleezy/liar do what it took to get sale (stretch truth, promise exagerated-don’t mean sexualy sleezy).-
it has left me a victim time and time again. dependant on men, my mom and dad, for financial support.although, some of the reason i know
is the same reason i want to be involved in desteni. i have always (from time i had Jaclyn, first child) been a seeker, what is the truth?? and
so- as now with decision to begin Desteni courses–i prefered to stay out of mainsteam society.

much better flow today…will write more later

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