my process…SHUT UP

Posted: January 7, 2011 in Uncategorized
jan7/11

It is Friday morning. I am having difficulty getting to the computer at night-end of day as assignment asks. Much busier time in our
home. Sometimes, 2 or 3 people want to use the computer (exageration!).  But if I  am to be self honest, I am used to being more of a system, I kind
of go on automatic pilot starting in the afternoon, doing shit that needs to be done-whereas in the morning I believe I can communicate my process better. So we’ll see.

Yesterday, after getting my morning coffee I went to my bank. I remember feeling–what…hesitant, mild fear–because I told the manager,
few months ago I wasn’t working and now I had to ask for a small increase in my overdraft. He mentioned he’s not getting enough sleep because of new baby. Immediately, my ego grabbed that (well, I’m a little confused because I do want to be helpful) I do know about babies, children quite alot.
I felt relieved, proud, I could talk to him about something ‘acceptable’, and he would then ‘like’ me ‘respect’ me. this reveals how much I rely
on what others think/feel about me to give myself a perceived value, believe / feel ‘ok’ about myself as contributing member of society. Actually,
so much more thought/feelings than that. I am starting to see/understand the extensive layers of thoughts/emotions I have and will eventually,
be able to process them daily by blogging and vlogging.
I want to be careful and do the course as it stipulates at Desteni because I can have tendancy to go too far too fast. .This led to serious
mental illness and alcoholism in my life –not suggesting that would happen again or justifying laziness this time, I understand soooo much
more now–however, for me at this time, somewhat slow and steady is best.
I had thoughts about my essence, what is at my core, as I was doing my reading. Even there, I can see how I go from one polarity in my
thought and feeling to another very quickly; i can be very ‘up’, optimistic, ‘perky’ kind of person then there is the ‘sad’ remorseful,
alcoholic Sandy -note: sober 7 years in AA-this woman is tierd and ‘down’ alot. Jack is so right, the mind exists in the
past, it cannot survive without the past.
I walked for an hour to go to a meeting last night. I do this for exercise. It was a very beautiful evening, fresh
snow falling. I made a mental note to not think…hah….my mind would not shut up! Going into the past about my marriage and in-laws.
My daughter had called the night before and I felt they were judgmental of her-ONE of the difficulties of being divorced, I’m not present when my ex. and his family
are with the kids. This brought up much saddness for me. One memory leading to another, I felt heavier and heavier trudging along in the
‘cold, slippery’ snow covered sidewalks. Then I would snap out of it; my mind possessed me with thoughts, feelings and pictures playing out in my mind , at least I was aware of it. Ok, enough, enjoy the evening and be grateful…breath, count, it does help and let go and forgave myself. Few seconds no mind then again.  So, another strategy, I let the
thoughts melt away instead of forgiving each one as they went on and on. I have done this before and it helps me when my mind is just
too active. What does this reveal about me. |I am VERY stuck in the past. Actually, very interestingly, I probably stopped being a participating person-creating each moment- and am almost,
entirely a system because I exist almost completly in the past.  The person-Sandy- was done when life didn’t work out.  Shame/guilt/remorse about the past.
So drinking (alcoholically for about 10 years) helped pass the time and stop the thoughts.
The speaker at the meeting, last night, brought up alot of anger in me. He left 2 or 3 women with children to raise by themselves. My father did not do this
but my first husband did. I felt anger and indignation when he said, today, only 1 of his 4 children a willing to have a relationship with him,
after he aknowledged he was not present at all to raise them. Nor did he contribute financially.
I  felt so angery- although he did say he understood this-I feel more than anger, i feel almost a hatred.  I am aware of it and apply self forgiveness. I remind myself I am one and equal with him.  I even feel it in my body
when I think of him now. What does this reveal about me? I am a victim/prisioner not only of the past but the present of every ‘cheating, lying’ husband
‘out there’     . Perhaps they’ll still kill me. that’s what I think now. Interesting. I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience ‘better than’
by believing I am better that this man when I AM Part of the marriage system.
Advertisements
Comments
  1. Leila says:

    Hi Sandy, cool that you made a blog and committed yourself to writing!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s