Loser and Gossip

Posted: January 10, 2011 in Uncategorized

jan. 8/11
Yesterday morning I had a memory come up about a woman , my son’s girlfriends mother, whom I had ask for a small loan
last month. She never got back to me. I felt shame, guilt, remorse, less than, and then justification came up and I felt
better than , angery at her for not replying-being rude, angery at her for probably judging me.
As I type this, memories are coming up about another woman who
has plagued my thoughts for years. We were close ‘friends’ when our children were young. She was very wealthy and dominant
in our friendship. I always felt less than and a failure but even more in the following 15-20 years as she got wealthier and more successful and
I , the poor single Mom, went nuts and became alcoholic–looser, victim, looser! She has plauged my dreams as well. I believe this says about
me I’m jealous person, I am /have been superficial, I compare myself to others, I have always wanted, wanted, wanted. What a relief to give up
wanting. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience jealously, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience
wanting material things-believing they will bring ‘happiness’, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am less than this
wealthy woman, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel/experience a feeling of ‘better than’ this woman. Interestingly, they always go
together quite quickly in my mind. Much inner conflict in my mind. ‘less than’ then indignation then feel ‘better than’. I am one and equal with both of
these women.
In the evening went over to a friends whom I  have gossiped with in the past. I reminded myself not to indulge in gossip with her. I was not
successful….somewhat.  She told me something I really didn’t need to know and I felt judgement about that person. It also helped me understand that
person more. When I engage in gossip, it definately makes me feel superior. I need to establish self honestly when talking about another. Sometimes in AA,
there are alot of very sick people, we sponsor-help-each other. I need to examine this and speak only in the other person’s best interest.

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