Good intentions

Posted: January 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

jan 11/11

I woke up this morning with a slight realization of how much I am in my mind, that I don’t have to be and made a commitment to be aware-ie. NOT GET LOST–in this world and my private world of thoughts , feelings and emotions  today–all day!

Its sooo automatic…very tricky one thought after another. I worry about money constantly. I remember listening to some vlog, months ago, at Desteni that it is the same thoughts that go round and round. This says to me that although I ‘fear’ what needs to be done to birth myself as life from the physical seems impossible –it is not!

I am having some difficulty directing myself as I believe I need to think first.

My stepdaughter is home today, ill. I was feeling judgmental of  her because she misses alot of school and failed a number of subjects last semester. I compared her to my daughter, in my mind, and later to my husband, as my daughter would always find out what she missed and get caught up. I don’t see my step daughter doing this. I feel frustration and like I want to control the situation and force her to stay on top of her school work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Campbell. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare Campbell to Jaclyn. I will just be supportive to her today and not judge her further.

Last evening I intervened between my husband and Campbell-to stop an argument- by offering to drive her to get her cell phone fixed. Again a strong feeling of needing to control a situation, it had 2 negative outcomes. She signed a 3 year contract on a new phone, which my husband didn’t want her to do and we had a minor accident with his car. I had feelings of fear and guilt and worry/anxiety about money. I forgave myself for this. I believe this says about me I want to -not help another so much although it is disguised as that-but to aliviate my own uncomfortable feelings when I hear  people arguing. I need to backoff and let others go through their own processes. Focus on self, be aware of my reactions and apply self forgivness.

A theme that keeps coming up today in my mind/thoughts is of letting go of some/all of the supposed protection I have around my life. I considered removing one of my posts on the Desteni site because I mentioned gambling-I have played roulette online for about a year-winning/losing probably about even-as I would look ‘bad’ to whoever read it– but mostly because I directed someone to Desteni– because I thought he would benefit from it and be open to –and I had asked him for financial assistance to help me afford this course. I feared he would think I wanted the loan for gambling , which, honestly I can say I don’t. It would not be used for that at all. I only play small and receive their bonuses (which are quite generous) so its easy now to come out with a small profit…so it is just for fun sometimes now to make a little extra. I will try to be diligent about being honest about this subject as it is tempting for me to hide that. In AA people would freak,or some would, and assume I had a problem-addicited to -but it’s just not the case. That’s one example but my feeling this morning is more of letting go…just being honest, not sensoring my words, ‘protecting ‘ myself–breaking some of the chains!   As an active alcoholic (havn’t drank in almost 7 years) the lies were constant and as many know one lie leads to another -hard to keep track. This was ‘easy’ enough when I was single. Now married, it has become increasingly difficult to lie and not ‘get caught’. I am exhausted by it all and have spoken to my husband about a number of issues that I was not honest about. To my amazement, he did not reject me. I am learning, through my process with Desteni, to love myself unconditionally. To stop the mind, apply self forgiveness, use the breath in each here moment and use the directive principal.  I didn’t realize to what extent I was lying to myself and not being one and equal to myself or my world. I believe I am letting go of some fear, through awareness and self forgivness, which is awesome, I am grateful! to have an opportunity to become life as the breath, the living word. Thank you Desteni. It’s a start.

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