Humiliation and The Money System

Posted: January 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

Jan. 10/11

I went out for dinner Saturday evening with my husband , my son, and my step daughter. I had a thought that the kids didn’t like me or want to hear me sharing anything. This was based in fear and I stayed silent for awhile. I believe this came up because I have shared about Desteni and what I have been learning  and they, understandably, find the concepts difficult. I believe this says about me I fear losing them/abandonment. I fear being old and alone. I do believe it is better to exemplify and have others ask me about whats going on in my life instead of force it upon others.

Sunday, driving to see my Mom with my brother, I had asked his opinion about how my daughter should handle a sticky situation with my ex-husband and his family. I ended up criticizing her cousin and aunt and feeling angry at them and humiliated for her and myself about past events. I said nasty things about them that could be true or not but it was not neccessary and made me feel better/superior . I justified it in my mind by feeling that Jaclyn and I were innocent and they were the guilty/mean/rich ones, we were the sweet, poor, innocent ones. This says about me I am still outwardly focused on events and not taking responsibility for my own inner turmoil. It also tells me I am still angry and jealous and feel helpless/trapped/victimized about the past. I am also a hypocrite because if they offered money to me today, I would take it and talk oh so nicely and like them and sing their praises again.

Money is a big issue for me now as I begin to focus on my process with Desteni, which will take a few years to built an income as a recruiter. My husband makes a good income but I usually do contribute to the monthy budget.  This has not been consistant and frustrates my husband. The reasons for this are multiple and my thoughts are jumbled and definately layers and layers of them.

I asked my mother for a loan-which she always gives-to help pay our property tax bill, which was late. One thing about this that stands out is something she said, which an old girlfriend had said to me years ago that really bugged me, ” how could you let this happen, this never happened to me, i always paid the bills on time!?” Well no shit, in both cases these women did not make the income but had very successful husbands-consistantly earning large money- and the money was always in the account so they just wrote a cheque. Well, I’m not stupid, no kidding, I could do that!!

That’s no stress and couldn’t be simpler! When I was about 30 (I have guilt/remorse/shame about choosing the ‘wrong’ husband ie. he made lots money, lost lots money, lost jobs, stayed out drinking and womanizing all night etc. until he left us with no money-me, Jaclyn 3, Garrett 1-then) .  I didn’t do so well after that. Not anyone’s fault but my own. But still angers me. If I didn’t pay a bill, it was because I did not have the money! duh!

The whole experience was horrible. I cannot blame my mother, she is largely a kind, wonderful human being. She was angry and chastized me, I felt like a little kid, mumbled I would pay her back, ‘you always say that but never do’. That is right. She then said these small loans over the years have come out of my inheritance  fund (not huge but good amount). That actually made me feel better. I felt in my body heavy, small/slumped, depleted, really totally beat-HUMILIATED. She must have seen this because then she cheered up and we dropped the subject. I am used to that approach with my parents, we didn’t talk things through. “Talking about it just makes things worse” is what we lived by and they had their reasons for this, I understand.

We then went over to my sisters house, I felt some mild jealousy-but was aware of it/forgave myself- after feeling soooo small with my Mom. My sister, as most of the significant women in my past (I am aware some of them made their own money) married the ‘right’ man and was quite ‘weathy’ at a young age. My sister works now but her husband bought her/them a franchise! She did not even have to think about how to finance it or do anything-speak to the bank, arrange details. So now she works ‘so hard’ and looks wonderful in my Mom’s eyes. Well, sorry, but again-no shit, I’d be more than happy to go into a beautiful new store-where I’m the owner/in control- and work 40 hours/week.   I feel pissed off about this . I believe it says about me much of the same issues; still prisoner of the past, play victim, experience regret, remorse, jealousy.

I felt at dinner-interesting- same as beginning of this blog-like my nephew and his fiance didn’t like me/wished I wasn’t present or I was insignificant. I just had a thought/ remembered something I read recently in my IDT course, that when I criticize others I actually feel that way about myself! So… I feel insignificant, unwanted, like I should stay quiet, no one wants to hear from me, I am a financial leech, burden, failure!

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