How I am not real…I change moment to moment

Posted: January 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

Jan. 13/11

I have alot of fear of exposure. thinking about writing my blog this morning, fear comes up various editing options in my mind. These thoughts are quick, fast, layered. I am also lazy and don’t want to ‘bother’ uncovering a bunch of layers. I ‘m too ‘busy’ don’t ya know!

So, I’ll begin yesterday, after listening to a blog by Sunette about quantum process, I freaked myself out by imagining the death of my daughter-probably worst thing I can think of, death of my children-and I feared this manifesting immediately because of my thought. What an idiot! Then I tortured myself more last night when I went to bed with negative thoughts, trying not to think them. The imagination! I understand I don’t have this kind of power but I have witnessed some quantum occurances (some of the stuff that led me to Desteni) and so know its possible. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the mind con. systems and follow a thought. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear of loss.

Last night after dinner my husband and I were arguing-funny, now I can’t even remember what about-but I do remember a huge reaction I had. Something like, “if you weren’t married to me…”, suggesting I’d have no money. I felt the reaction strongly in my body and shot back a mean reply. He was actually mostly teasing, I am very sensitive/over-reactive. I am more aware of this now and forgave myself and it all ended well and quickly too.

At a meeting of AA last night, (I write my blogs in the morning, as is better for me) I quickly judged a young woman-who has not been very friendly to me-for getting pregnant for the ‘wrong’ reasons. I assumed the reason being; to get her boyfriend to marry her and I had a thought like ‘well, she’ll find out soon enough how tough it is to be a single parent’. To be honest I think it was almost a smug feeling like ‘serves her right for not liking me’, kind of like that.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Shelly. I am one and equal with her and her unborn child.

My ego got a good feed last evening. I have been obsessing about my looks, fear of age-showing age anyway. Group of men-that I know quite well-after I told them I have aged sooo much in the last 3 years (since I got marriedd) and they all chimed in and said oh no, not true. I felt immediately ‘better’ more ‘confident’.

Received an e-mail from my daughter and saw comment from her aunt(my ex-sister in law). She is one of the many wealthy, ‘successful’ female peers in and around my life. I immediately felt ‘bad’… small, like a loser, failure, less than–JUST SEEING HER NAME IN PRINT! sinking feeling in my body. Of course, I owe her money (borrowed years ago, to help out with raising my  kids-nothing else).  This plauges me.

**That’s interesting, I allow a group of others to determine how I ‘feel’  one moment to the next (or my husband or Shelley or the 3 men or ex-sister-in-law)  . And, how I ‘am’ here in the moment is not stable/changes according to external factors and thoughts inside my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by outer factors/people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in the MCS belief of polarities by participating in feelings of rich/poor, better than-superior/less than-inferior, pride-self important/insignificant, pretty/ugly, old/young, valuable/disposable. Oh my god, it goes on and on. And it happens all day long. Wow, I didn’t really ‘see’ /realize the extent of my participation in polarities of the mind. Writing this morning has helped me see this. I am very grateful to Desteni and ‘the pen’ for such a great article ‘writing yourself to freedom’  Priceless!

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