My master ‘fear’ shouts ‘hurry up’

Posted: January 14, 2011 in Uncategorized

Jan. 14/11

Yesterday I recorded my first vlog, actually 4-9min. vlogs containing ‘My Story’ to introduce myself on the Desteni site and post them on You Tube as well.  Many thoughts, feelings and emotions came up as I went through this process. Like anything new, it takes while to figure out/trial and error how to record/and post a vlog. I felt frustrated, panic in my body (flight or fight response) , thoughts like i’m stupid, comparing myself to others ‘most people know how to make a vlog easily, have been doing this for years’, I’m too old, panic thoughts ‘hurry up’, wanted to trash it , give up, its too hard, people (at Desteni) won’t like it if you ask them too many questions. Oh brother, it went on and on.

I am feeling overwhelmed again by learning and reading alot of information on the Desteni site. In most cases it is solved by slowing down, stopping my thoughts, self forgivness-or at least breath, and reminding myself to go slow. When I started to vlog I would tell myself I look ugly and old, then got over that, and I would make a ‘mistake’ and stop the video.  After deleting about 10 starts I decided that’s it, no more deleting, just begin and don’t stop until it’s done.  I had to forgive myself for hesitating, needing my bloody glasses to see how long the video had been running, looking ‘not good enough’-I am just me, here as the living word and the breath.

I also had feelings of relief that I am finally doing something that is useful and best for all. Thank you Desteni. I also had smug-justifying -if fleeting- thoughts of superiority and revenge; basically that I was contributing and all those rich people I knew were just selfishly making more profit for themselves. I forgave myself and understand I am one and equal with all human beings.

I have also had feeling come up yesterday and this morning -as I read/listen to course material and other articles at Desteni- of panic/hurry up save yourself and your kids, you’re older and don’t have as much time as others. I forgive myself for participating in the mind conscious systems construct of time, stop, breath, remind myself I exist here as the breath in this moment.

It was fascinating reading Jack’s writing about the history of mankind. Thanks!

I was rude to a bank teller this morning. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Maria, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt about not being in a good mood at the bank this morning and in a rush.

Something that I am noticing in this blog and in my life in general-I have become aware of it before but never been able to change it-is a major theme in my life has been ‘there is not enough time to…..” fill in the blank but usually get the money I need to live my dreams, change me so i get the money i need to live my dreams…so panic, race, haste, rush and inevitably whatever I am doing does not get done properly to sustain a change and hense the timeloop- things fall apart and I have to start again. I believe this is based in fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush. It is safe to slow down. I no longer accept allow fear to dictate that I rush. I will try to remember to stop and breath when this fear arises and then focus on the task at hand and understand time is series of linear moments we use here, in the physical, and does not have to enslave me but is a useful tool in my daily life. thank  you.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Hi Sandy,
    Very cool. Where is your video by the way, would enjoy seeing it. Thanks for sharing.

  2. andrearossouw says:

    Hi Sandy – popping in to say hi. I enjoyed your Blog and am looking forward to seeing your first Vlog. Realise that you are here, therefore from moment to moment just bring you back here through the Breath, to realise there are no mistakes, just you expressing and getting to know you – walking the path of Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness. It is your Journey.

    Enjoy!
    Andrea

  3. jozienfokkert says:

    Hi!
    Enjoy writing yourself out!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s