hate and murder…its right there inside of me

Posted: January 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

As I was thinking about doing my blog this morning, I was coming up with many excuses to put it off. Alot of resistance this morning. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in thinking and justification instead of  trusting my common sence and just getting it done.

Yesterday, my husband and I went online and to the store to choose paint colour. It seemed to me that he was ‘picking on me’ and I reacted strongly to this. Alot of reacting yesterday. I am being more aware of this today. I have yet to stop myself in the middle of reacting, breath, apply self forgiveness and then corrective application. I have been doing after the fact.

I have been ‘thinking’ about picking up my guitar again, having friends over for a jam, writing a song. I am aware that I dropped all of this after reading on Desteni about the mind conscious systems and understanding how the white light deceives and understanding my own mind possession. However, I don’t. want to go from one extreme to another. I didn’t think this group of friends would care but sounds like they hope I have another jam soon. I enjoy their company, we have fun (we’re not ‘good’, just enjoyment). I also resented the white lights enslavement of being driven to write so many mediocre songs–looking for success–in hindsight, how rediculous. But I must admit, I do enjoy writing–the creative process and will do that this week again.

Huge upset last night, for me anyway. A little complicated, family politics but basically I am divorced, my 2 children have relationship with my ex and his family. They are all quite wealthy (except for my ex-husband) and have used this over the years to control us-I let them. They are also quite intimidating. My ex and I were labelled the “looser’s” and we played the role very well. It is still this way today. Long story short; I don’t care that I allowed them to ‘hurt’ ‘bully’ me over the years but now they are ‘hurting’ my 2 children. They are young adults now-not children. Them who gots the money gots the power!!!

They have huge chalet at a private ski resort in Ontario -2 hours north of Toronto. It was always the grandparents who owned it but now their uncle has taken it over (given to him on paper-no money exchanged). Therefore, their uncle, aunt, and 1 cousin ‘let them’ still use the chalet but make it uncomfortable; criticize, nit pick–basically humiliate. As soon as they get one thing right, its another. I hate them for this. I hate that I have to humble and they dont. I want to write them a holier than thou e-mail but they are’stronger’ ‘smarter’ ‘more evil’ than me so they would get me back. I don’t trust them. They scare me. During the years the kids were growing up I used booze to help me not feel the humiliation as much.

So much for disapline. I have had quite a pattern in my life for being excited about something new and then it fades…’diminish’ interesting word Bernard uses when speaking about a persons essence.

I have let things slide the last few days. I will re-commit to writing a blog at least 5 times per week and a vlog 5 times a week. Perhaps this is too much , I can re-visit the number but I am aware of my days more and want very much a disaplined life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience laziness and not follow though with my personal commitment with Desteni. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt about lack of disapline in my day; not blogging.

To get back to my very strong reaction to my ‘in-laws’ (my ex-inlaws to be exact), I am grateful to Desteni for understanding that that energy of ‘hatred’ adds to the hatred/violence/war in the world. It is energy, I feel it strongly in my body and essence/psychy. I have often thought-before I found Desteni- that murder is ‘right there’ in me,  when I experienced such an overwhelming ‘hate’ for lack of better word. This I discovered when I would judge others/other nations for going to war over religion, retaliation, revenge…goes on and on. But when I examined myself by imagining my children being killed, I quickly felt hate/murderous. Sad, it seems to me the only answer is

what Desteni suggests, one and equal with each breath.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience hatred of my ex-husbands family. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself engage in the mind consciousness systems design of polarity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unaware of my reaction and experience a feeling of superiority concerning the same group of people. I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to experience a feeling of inferiority with regards to the same group of people and finally I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt with regards to my ex-husbands family.

It truly is beautiful, the design of oneness and equality! Thank you to all who have and continue to  contribute so diligently at Desteni.

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