News : Horrible images of the dead but I am numb

Posted: January 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

Jan 20/11

I am shocked at myself, as I am becoming aware of my zombie like behaviour/responses to images, night after night on the news, of soldiers, civillians, students, children lying dead. Having been murdered, lying bloody, the tragedy escapes me, I feel nothing or…worse, have no notice, no horror, no real sence of loss, the reality of the loss of life and what it means. I am quite numb by it all. Heaven forbid it was in my backyard…it’s all so foreign/over there. Or if it was one of my family members, the drama would be intense from me. I do think of putting myself in anothers shoes but often the facts seem overwhelmingly complicated and impossible to ‘fix’ . “Nothing I can do so best not dwell on the negative but be positive energy in this world.” , that is how I used to ‘think’ justify doing nothing, it really is a helpless feeling, grateful to Desteni to have a forum to express our process of learning about oneness and equality in each breath/moment here. A solution best for all , equal money.  I am not religious but I do remember a story from my youth when Jesus ‘cries’ over a fallen soldier (the emeny) and his followers are  perplexed and upset by this, we are one and equal so each loss of life is as tragic- or not- as my own.

In contrast to my having no response to seeing dead bodies on the news, I had a huge reaction to a young woman I saw at the coffee shop in the morning. All ego driven! She is in AA and had been very ‘strange’ ‘over reactive’ to me in the past on 3 occasions. She had reacted with alot of drama and crying and outrage when I did my best to befriend-offer fellowship really-to her. The heavy drama came after I inquired about her ‘boyfriend’ who had not been around for few months after being present for about 10 months. I tried to explain my inquirey was sincere but she just escaladed her -whatever it was- tears and she acted horrified and sought ‘comfort’ from a group of women in the room . They talked about me for awhile. I was stunned , didn’t really understand what had occured, found out later she was pregnant. However, I don’t see that as a excuse to lash out at someone and explode into tears. So when I saw her in the coffee shop, with her new baby, I just let it be. I don’t control others, I felt threatened (there was another tears incident with her in which she suggested I had again said something that upset her to  that point) . I had read something on one of the Desteni blogs about loving myself unconditionally. My mother would be aghast because I was always taught to be ‘nice’ to another no matter what way they were to me, this can be humiliating and has been , especially when I was a child, I could never question an ‘adult’. I do agree with being firm but kind and always repectful to others in all situations.

Very frustrating, I did not save the next part of my blog and it was erased. Will continue in the morning. Thank you.

 

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