Posted: January 23, 2011 in Uncategorized

Jan. 21/11

After I posted by first vlogs and there was so much support/feedback from members at Desteni, I had an explotion of thoughts, feelings and emotions come up. My mind was racing, my ego was in full force. I went for a walk and couldn’t stop my mind so I used breath and counting to slow down the mind and remain here. I worried, supposed, assumed, delighted all sorts of ‘thoughts’ about how I was perceived, wasn’t I important,  I was better than/ less than, more/less than others, comparing myself to others. I believe this says about me I am very insecure, require others approval. I am grateful for the support and will follow this example and support others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind conscious’s system of polarity. I am one and equal to all members of Desteni and all human beings.

I had several dreams about being poor in the last few nights. I had one particular dream that I should marry a certain man, who is recently separated from his wife, who I knew very well years ago. He is quite wealthy and could ‘take care’ of me financially. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to ‘sell’ myself to another ; sex in exchange for money.

I’ve enjoyed many videos of Desteni members-female in this case-shaving their heads. Very creative and inspiring. Many many reactions -thoughts, feelings come up for me when I think about shaving my head. I believe I’ll take it slow and get my hair cut short, shorter, shorter still. I have to be self honest- I do this for my ego-belief in beauty but also because great fear arises in me. Some of the thoughts, feelings I experienced were: fear-If I shave my head I have destroyed my strongest asset/tool I have used throughout life to feed, cloth, house me and my children. I will look ugly, most of the women in the videos were quite young-so that’s ok for them-they still look beautiful-I will look ugly. My husband will have an affair and leave me and I will have to sell my home and be poor. I’m too tierd and sick of the whole man/woman game to do it again so I will be alone=lonely, no company. I need to get really skinny before I cut my hair short, won’t look as bad that way. I’ll still have a tool, sex appeal if I’m skinny and have short hair.  I need to get my teeth whitened/veneers before I shave my head/cut my hair. I won’t be anyone in particular , special , noticed if i shave my head/cut my hair short. In contrast: I will be noticed/stand out, have to defend myself/explain myself, criticized, attacked verbally(that’s a big fear). People will judge me,|’oh there she goes again, she’s always doing something extreme, drama queen’ . People will assume I judge them. There’s probably more…

…It’s funny, years ago (before I even drank alcoholically) my then husband and I decided not to drink because we were heavy drinkers and then ‘best friends’ with a couple who didn’t drink. I had a similar orgy of thoughts and you know what…no one cared! Imagine that, I wasn’t as important as I thought. Good lesson. I believe this says about me I look for excuses to hide, I let fear of rejection control me, I let money-fear of not having enough- control me , fear controls me, fear is my God, I am one and equal to FEAR !

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear of loss of perceived beauty and  identity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience fear of poverty. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am valuable only as a commodity-a body for sex. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men/manipulate men into providing financially for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make fear bigger than myself, my master , it’s slave. I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to be one and equal to fear. Thank you.

  1. jeannie says:

    This is a HUGE point for me. So HUGE I cant even go there yet. Self Image, self judgement, men, sex, money. Talk about lions and tigers and bears oh my!! I feel like I can express myself here freely yet not on my fb page because soooo many would see. I can even talk about on the internet because its sooo “bad” it could destroy me”…

    • Hi Jeannie….nothing can destroy you if you stand up to it!

      I am taking the life coaching course at Desteni and it is helping me understand myself and life itself!

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