Fear of Standing Up

Posted: January 23, 2011 in Uncategorized

Jan.23/11

This morning I am  upset by the events of last evening. A good friend recently got married to a woman from LA and she just moved here. I asked another couple and this couple for dinner at our home. The other couple suggested we go out for dinner, I said sure. There was a wait at the restaurant. In a few minutes the woman who had suggested we go out for dinner said let’s go to the restaurant across the street. We were the next to get a table so I was somewhat surprised and caught off guard. We all agreed and it worked out. Then during dinner this couple said they were going to a movie, did we want to come? No one wanted to, I thought it was inappropriate because the idea was to make our friends new wife feel welcome and chat and get to know her. This morning it is clear to me the reason she did not want to wait a few minutes for a table was because she wanted to catch the 9pm show. The way the table was situated, when they got up to go to the show, everyone had to get up so everyone just put their coats on and the evening was very short. The restaurant was empty so we could have stayed and talked. I am angry at this woman, to me she seems controlling and self centered. I am angry at myself for not speaking self honestly in the moment at the original restaurant. As well, I had planned to have them all over after dinner (couple who went to the movie-the husband is contractor and we had a question for him-to look at something in our home) and his partner said they’ll come over this afternoon. I am tempted to be spiteful and not be here-I have several things to do in the car today, as I don’t always have access to a car. I am frustrated because from what I’ve learned at Desteni , the very issues I’m upset about -things I accuse of someone else are MY ISSUES TO LOOK AT. So am I controlling and self centered? Yes, I definately can be controlling and self centered . Also I want to call a friend and gossip about her but this only adds to the vicious emotions in all of mankind. I need to be aware, stand up in the moment and self honestly speak my truth instead of cowering and then spewing negative shit about others-take self responsibility for my emotions and myself as a human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this woman. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not standing up in the moment and speaking my truth. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt over these circumstances. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless/like a victim and then blaming others for that feeling. I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to believe I am better than this woman. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for experiencing fear of diminishing and resenting another for this . I am one and equal to this woman. Thank you.

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Comments
  1. Róbert Starší says:

    Hey,
    cool how you bring the issues you see within others within yourself and check yourself for the same. It’s very helpful.

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