Fear of attack: My Process with Desteni

Posted: February 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

I have not written for  4-5 days. Seems like a long time. A mayor them that keeps coming up for me is fear of attack-verbal criticism indicating rejection-and then the mother of all my fears ; FEAR OF ABANDONMENT =POVERY .

Interesting how it all came to a head in a weeks time. This started last Sat. and today is Friday. I remember thinking -last Sat.- that the next day would be unpleasant as my siblings and their children would be getting together at my sister’s house to celebrate my Mom’s birthday. I anticipated my newphew and his new fience to be somewhat unfriendly because they don’t like me-I assume- and it to be somewhat humiliating for me-it’s all about me don’t ya know. This anticipated abuse caused a huge reaction in my body-fight or flight- I actually think I am in this mode often, perhaps this is what ’causes’ illness over time .  Turns out we had a lovely/fun evening.

Next , in the car on the way home, listening to Steely Dan brought forth pictures/movies in my mind. Past memories of a extremely mentally abusive boyfriend in university. Again I reacted strongly, told my son and husband I never really ‘got’ alot of music/pleasure that other beings do.  I felt quite ‘lonely’/’sorry’ for myself. My son said it was just taste and not to be so dramatic. I said inside my ‘secret mind’, ‘he’s young, he doesn’t know’.   Turn out, he was right.  Low  and behold ‘Rocky Horror ‘ sound track came on and it ‘made me feel ‘ light/happy, remembering ‘happy times’ in high school. I am a slave to my mind consciousness systems, oh ya.

The third incident was on Tuesday evening, my husband often picks me up from a meeting where I have alot of responsibility and I am required to  stay awhile after the meeting is over. He was impatient and to have to wait. This brought up memories in the form of pictures in my mind and emotions of past humiliating experiences of dominant men in my life being impatient, judging me ‘wrong’ ‘stupid’. I reacted stongly and told my husband please don’t pick me up , I’ll walk!  I have learnt over the years, I don’t need to take abuse if I am independent. I am fortunate I have a choice.

The last strong reaction-based in fear of attack-was a doozy. My husband informed me, in a round about way, the money he would inherit was basically ‘family  money’ therefore his and his daugher’s. Apparently , myself and my children are not family , so we don’t get the family fortune!  We had said a number of times, prior to this, that all of  our assets -which I have contributed  to-would be passed onto our 3 children after we both were dead.  We are working through this point.  Lol,  so much for Sandy being above and beyond the might dollar. It terrified and angered me.

‘I reacted strongly’ is a gross understatement. Wow, it’s like I had 1 still day, very little mind, and then boom,boom,boom,boom . Very little stillness, all mind– reaction in the form of thoughts, feelings, emotions. I am amazed and grateful that I can ‘see’ myself much clearer, in the moment, even if I havn’t been able to stop it yet. Stop, breath…no I didn’t . But I see that. I feel like I can somewhat separate myself now -step back and look at myself- me as a mind consciousness robot. Pretty soon after the minor outbursts, and I’d say a day after the major outbursts , I can see my participation with and as the mind, how  the energy=reaction feeds on itself and is violent inside. I also understand this feeds-contributes to  all other violent reaction/energies in the world–I wonder if it is at all related to the uprisings  in Eygpt that are occuring now? Intesting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to my mind=mind consciousness systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to the past-allowing memories, in the form of pictures in my mind, to influence who I am today, through the words I speak and the actions I take.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind control my physical human body in the form of ‘reactions’ brought about by thoughts about the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to the currant money system, being controlled by the emotion fear, to believe I need ‘so much’ money to survive when I really only need  enough for basic human neccessites and not more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by a need to be accepted by others, when all I need is to trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my husband as ‘less than’. I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to judge myself as ‘better than’ my husband. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to judge my husband as ‘greedy’ when I have this same greed in me.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to judge my nephew and his fiance as ‘less than’ because they believe they are superior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my ’emotions’ of inferiority onto my nephew and his fiance.


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