Sugar Addiction

Posted: February 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

I am starting to realize/be aware of how automated I’ve become. Not here, in the moment as me with each breath. Instead following the clock to see which addiction to bow down to, enslaved by each ‘before moment’–the past– that has been built up layer upon layer inside me , as me.

I read something the other day, by Bernard, that he discovered he could express himself very well with no preparation/no going into the mind and planning what he would say, but instead letting it flow with each here moment.

I have had that kind of experience when I’ve experimented with song writing/lyrics. It worked very well but I never trusted myself to act upon it in a regular/serious way instead went back to old beliefs/tapes in the mind…boring….’well, you’re not very good’, ‘you can’t do that again/consistantly so don’t bother’, ‘you don’t remember what you just wrote and didn’t have your trusty tape recorder with you..so , so much for that brilliant idea’ yadayada.

If I am self honest, I am so out of touch with my body in the here moment, I don’t really think I want sugar or a cigarette at the ‘appointed hour’ I’m just on ‘automatic pilot’ and follow my orders from the past.

I tell myself ‘it,’ the sugar, is comforting, a treat,  reward for how hard ‘life ‘ is. But self honestly, it just brings guilt, short uplifted ‘feeling’ and then a down/tierdness, I gain weight and that brings ‘fear’ of loss of ‘beauty’ loss of ‘health’ ‘loss of life’.

I actually can’t imagine giving it up. Don’t know what I’d ‘do’ at the appointed time when I usually feed myself a sweet. Get ‘depressed’? Probably.

I used to think I didn’t have  sweet tooth. I’d always tell people, “Oh no, I don’t like desert, no sweets for me” and felt some sense of self control with this…lol….I drank like a fish and what’s booze but alcohol, water and SUGAR! Lots of it….full of sugar. When I was a child they used to call me ‘Candy Sandy’ because I was always eating sweets.

What am I avoiding? Fear, loss of self, I suppose, loss of the self I have programmed into me as me, so that who I am as life, in the here moment of each breath –I can only sustain for short periods.

The excellent thing is, I just wrote this blog without mind preparation. I was tempted to ‘worry’ about blogging but stopped, forgave myself and just moved . Thank you Desteni!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consume sugar at certain times of the day, habitually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought ‘I am addicted to sugar’.

I am the sweetness of life as me .

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