Dropping the Ball and Chain

Posted: March 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

Well, I am stumped. I was going to write about entitlement and how my husband has shared with me how I’ve ‘changed’ since starting the Desteni I Process course.

After walking the dog this morning, my husband was waiting for me outside with a concerned look on his face and informed me my Mom is in the hospital, her heart rate was low. She has been in and out of the hospital often in the last 6 months, seems like the medications she takes for various ailments have some serious side effects.

She is stable now and my mind is racing and torturing me with all sorts of nonsence. Both of my siblings, who live within visiting distance, are away on vacation-plane ride away. My mind is saying ‘you want her to die so you can get your inheritance’ ‘you’ll have to decide whether to interupt Jayne and Marks vacations-ruin it for them’ ‘you should call her now or she may die and you’ll feel forever guilty’ ‘you are horrible and selfish’ ‘your poor little Mom’.  Meanwhile my mother is actually a beautiful balance of tough (stays in the physical quite naturally) and kind and full of common sense. She never complains or feels sorry for herself.

I have a few ‘must do’ chores and will call her. I am doing my best to be aware of these thoughts and letting them go.

Before starting my course with Desteni, I would stay with these thoughts, they would consume me and be in control of my day. They would ‘bring me down’, I would feel ‘heavy’ in my body, ‘depressed’ and want to sleep. Now I look at them with common sense, apply self forgiveness and self honesty–I know who I am and how I feel about my Mom–and continue with ease of movement and focus on one thing at a time. I’m not saying I do this anywhere near perfect, just that I am now aware ‘here’ in the moment and am able to function in my daily life ‘better’.

So….my husband did say that he notices a big change in me since starting the Desteni I Process course Dec/10.  Also, to my surprise, he said he was quite relieved that I seemed to have let go of my sense of entitlement and that he had felt alot of pressure to achieve a certain material status from me (we have been married just 4 years). To put it simply, I was always plauged by a feeling of failure and thought I should ‘catch up’ to my peers–have a cottage, mortgage free home, 2 cars, money for the fashion of the day, money for vacations, to do my hair, fitness club, to spoil my children, record music…it can go on and on.

It is actually a relief to let it all go. I used to have a ‘bucket list’ and I would add to it and re-write it constantly but it wasn’t joyful. It was a ball and chain!  It felt heavier and heavier as the years have gone on. I was able to drop quite ‘quickly’ when I realized all these thoughts and dreams were just that–thoughts in my head/pictures in my mind–not reality.

I came to a joyous decision that once everyone has a warm, safe, comfortable home I can start considering a cottage (second vacation home). How bloody selfish and self serving to focus on what I don’t have, when all I don’t have I dont’ need! I have everything I need! And for that I am grateful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought, “I want/need a cottage”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need a cottage to be ‘successful’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought “I want /need a cottage” to exist within and as me.

 

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