Process: Facing My Fears….uh oh….huge step back

Posted: April 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

I started Assignment 5 in the DIP course April 1st-Facing Fears and writing my first mind construct. Unfortunately, the timing coincided with my husband being away for a week. I’m used to having a house full of people since I got re-married but all the kids were also away at University. Since I work at home I was alone day and night (I did go out in the evenings with friends and to my AA meetings) . The first 6 nights were fine but on the last night before Alex -my husband -came home my fears got the better of me. It was like they piled up and then over-took . I could not sleep and obsessed fear of money (the fear I was facing) and had suicidal thoughts. This has not happened to me for 18 years  . I have a wonderful life and no interest in ending my life. The next day I had to get a anxiety aid/sleeping pills and it quickly solved the problem. I only took 3-not at once- and then a few half of the pills to sleep at night. Now back to normal.

My back chat was all fear based: you can’t stop thinking, you will have to kill yourself, you need money, your husband will leave you, you cannot become life, Jesus Christ can’t you see your dying, your process has stopped, you won’t have time to do your course, others can but you can’t , you can’t stay home and make enough money so you’ll have to work full time outside of the home and therefore can’t do your course , you are defective, you are not strong enough, …it went on and on.

I will not stop my process of facing and writing about my fears. I will-have already-slowed down and am not able to do one per day but will do it -slowly-until it is done. I realise these thoughts, feelings, emotions are not me. I am using my breath and being ‘careful’.

I am grateful to ‘write myself to freedom’ even if it takes longer than the course suggests. Thank you.

  1. Ann says:

    Hey Sandy,

    You know when those thoughts come up, the best thing is to let them go and not follow them. Dont see them as part of who you are but discard them – if it is possible. It might take time, but that is how I often deal with such thoughts.

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