Where ‘God’ led me …an exurpt from a casestudy/bog on alcoholism

Posted: July 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

…  But , basically, I was a poor, single Mom with 2 kids to raise. So I did what any sensible 33

year old woman and mother in my position would do.  Stand up, pull up my socks,  go to work

and not cry? No, I thought it would be good idea to become a singer/songwriter! Did I have a

musical background and talent, you ask?  No, do you need those things?

Oh brother, don’t even want to go there but I guess that is what this exercise is about.  I

actually started listening to my mind and didn’t even know it.

Truth, I was so devastated by my husbands ‘betrayal’ (he knew for years but it was all new to

me-fairly new anyway) that I did something I had not done in years; I prayed. Oh god, and god

answered back and gave me a ‘gift’, music in my head and lyrics!  So I wrote my way back into

my marriage for a year anyway and then onto another musician. I switched one male obsession

for another, some sincere love I had for these men when one can be literally replaced quite

quickly.

So I continued listening in the morning for new music in my head and got into following my

dreams. I thought all this was some higher being  talking , communicating to me but as I wrote

more and more  I became more and more obsessed by the whole love, gotta win my man with

a romantic love song  scenario, that I tried to hear my mind ‘messages’ (remember I thought

they were a higher power, God more or less)  more and more and literally went mad. I could

not turn off my mind and thoughts were coming faster and faster, it was the most terrifying

thing. I was going to kill myself, the thoughts/voices said I should , that I was in ‘hell’ and it

would be best for everyone that I died.

Yuk, this is not fun. But that’s ok. So I lived with this and then found that alcohol was a magic

cure. I did not tell anyone that I had lost ‘control’ of my mind.  Are you kidding?  They’d think I

was ‘nuts’. Lol. Seriously, I did not want to lose my children or given a label of ‘mentally ill’. I

couldn’t sleep though, so after finding that alcohol solved this , along with stopping thoughts

through meditation and breath,  I slowly began to get better. Interestingly, about sixteen years

later, when I found Desteni online, I quickly read about stopping the mind and using breath as

one of the tools to become a ‘real’ being!

The only problem now was, as one problem got better the other progressed.  I kept my

heavy drinking to when my children were with their Dad. My ‘secret’ was safe for many years. I

drank

almost daily, unless I was too sick with a ‘hangover’, for 10 awful years.  I will share with you a

few of the worst memories I have within that period. During this ten year period I did start

going to AA (alcoholics anonymous) almost right away on and off, since I was very aware that I

had a problem but I never joined a group or stuck around to any extent.

I remember one night literally crawling up the stairs to get to bed, one stair at a time is all I

could manage. Several times, I recall falling on my kitchen floor while ‘enjoying’ my last

cigarette after a night (probably afternoon too) of drinking heavily. Once I was so wasted I

nearly drown in my bathtub, I kept passing out and coming to under the water and thinking ‘I

gotta get out of this tub or I could drown’ and then waking up under the water again. Another

time I remember choking on my vomit and having trouble getting my breath and being quite

worried. As my alcoholism progressed my blood became thinner, a side effect of heavy use of

alcohol, and I recall one morning looking at myself in the mirror with yellow eyes and a blood

vessel had burst in one of my eyes and my body was all bruised. I didn’t know how this all

happened and I was quite embarrassed to go out in public because I looked like I had been

beaten up. I had, by myself!  Another time I recall coming to, in my driveway, in the driver’s seat

with the bird’s chirping and the sunlight hurting my eyes. Shame on me, I had driven home in a

‘blackout’ and I was not sure what had happened the night before.

Although I wanted to stop the obsession was overwhelming and could not. Each morning I

would vow to myself I would not drink that day, only to find myself walking to the liquor store

in the afternoon. It was like a switch went off  in my head ‘time to drink’ and nothing else

mattered.   ….

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s