Memory: I was somewhere between 5 and 8 years old.  My ‘best’ girlfriend and I had, for quite some time, enjoyed rehearsing and performing for our parents various musical ‘skits’,  songs and dances. We were free and uninhibited in our expression, truly innocent and I was ‘happy’ and ‘confident’. I do not remember the event/events that occurred prior to me ‘backing out’ of these performances but I remember telling my little co-star I would not perform anymore. She was aghast and told me , like she was scolding me, ‘I’m very disappointed in you Sandy’. Well, that didn’t help. I felt a deep sense of shame by exposing my fear and weakness to her but better that than expose myself in front of our parents on stage.  It was like I became aware of me ‘alone’ on stage, whereas before that, being ‘one’ alone on stage was not even a conscious thought I had. I understand now I was not ‘separate’ from the ‘song’, the stage, the audience and me-it was one= the performance. BTW you can’t sing if you are paranoid about ‘what others think’. Interestingly, I re-visited singing and stage fright in my 30’s and 40’s with a little more success.

The thougtht: I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.

Thought Pattern: ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people.’

Note: To this day, I actually do not like nor agree with competition however, l love music, dance, singing, playing an instrument and other forms of artistic expression.  So the key-go back to the garden of Eden, throw off the damn fig leaf. But…how to find my way back? There is a way, a map…

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Self Forgiveness :  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, i”m not good enough, they will reject me’, exist as real within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought pattern , ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people’ exist within and as me as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: shame, fear, little, try, tries, fail, failure, weak, humiliation, inhibited, fool, winner, loser, competition,compete, jealous, jealousy, exposed, naked to the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’.

Realizations: I realize , as a little girl, my family did not play music or act spontaniously so this is not something-as in an expression- I was ‘used to ‘. I realize, although my parents did the best they could, my father could be harsh and use humiliation with his children to put us down/keep us in line. Although I do not remember any specific examples at this young age,  I realize I could have seen/heard him do this with one of my siblings and he was just intimidating and frightening in general so I was not in a supportive atmosphere.  I realize I have gotten over much of this inhibition but still have a way to go and I can be kind and patient with myself. I realize I love artistic expression of songwriting and singing and playing and dancing freely and the point of the art/expression has nothing to do with another person but me in the moment. I realize comparing and competition is a waste of time and I can enjoy another beings expression and if I admire something, I can be inspired by that being to learn and grow by their example. I realize if I am uncomfortabe with something I should ‘practice’ more alone until I feel confident enough to share with others present.

Self corrective statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of inhibition, at the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by the emotion of inhibition, keeping me silent, chained by fear of being a ‘fool’ and rejected by others. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from others as art as their expression. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from myself as an unlimited being who can learn and grow artistically. Instead I bring myself out of my mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions, and back ‘here’ to the physical. I remain ‘here’ aware as each breath of each moment. I refuse to participate in mind polarities of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ ‘talented’ and ‘untalented’ and I refuse to participate in this childhood thought pattern which keeps me stuck in a timeloop-forever creating my future by being in my mind with memories of the past -so actually living and reliving the past. I decide if I am ready to perform in front of others and prepare myself accordingly. I get on with the task at hand and on with my day.

Inhibition: new definition

A suppression of a certain expression due to past  punishment. A reminder to me to get out of my head of past thoughts and emotions and perfect my presentation so I am confident performing artistically.

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