Some memories of my childhood, specifically  in relation to  my father ‘picking on’, humiliating, his 4 children.  Lets heal this ! Of course this  includes my father, who I love.

I remember hiding in my room, listening at the door to my Dad yell at my brother, I believe my Dad was  drinking (most of these incidents occurred when he was intoxicated-not an excuse but important to note how alcohol can bring out the ‘evil’ side of a human being! Best to face this sober and get rid of these inner demons for good!). He often ‘helped ‘ my brother with his homework this way, yelling at him, putting him down, belittling him about being stupid and a failure if he didn’t ‘get it right’ and ‘get it right-right now’!  I felt terror, I felt my brothers pains, his shame and I internalized it, just as he did.

Another incident my Dad was picking on me when I was in grade nine, he generally left me alone when I was younger, had  3 others to attack and that’s why I hid and I hid well. So when my oldest brother and sister had left-escaped-he noticed me and I became a target. ‘She blackens her eyes so you don’t notice her big nose’ . Not a good thing to say to a 14 year old girl! I obsessed my looks more and more for years, I was convinced I was basically ugly unless I really ‘tried’=lot of make-up. So sad. “Don’t you know how to chop vegtables, didn’t your mother show you?” he’d yell in a harsh, accusatory voice and then no matter how you tried he would put down your efforts and make you feel completely stupid, a useless failure and I hated him for it …then the guilt, ‘oh god, I hate my father, I can’t hate him, it’s not allowed, he must be right, blah blah…’  Then his guilt/remorse would kick in and he’d be super nice for the next few days. There would be gifts of money, goodies, a little kind attention !  So there was a strange confusion/uncertainly within self and within the home. I would tell myself (unconsciously) “.. remember , you cannot trust his kindness because experience has shown you it does not last–when your guard is down – WHAM he gets you! Damn, I wasn’t going to put myself in that situation ie. be home at 4pm on a day he is home early  so be a possible target-ever again. I would blame myself , enough said, it is a horrible way to live for the perpetrator and the victim. It is dispicable to treat a child this way , he may as well have smashed in my face, at least the pain/abuse would have been visable. No excuses, no holding back, it just plain destroyed me. I didn’t have a chance.

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thought: I’m ugly and stupid.

Self forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m ugly and stupid’ . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’ to exist within and as me.

Self forgiveness on connection to words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words dad, father, alcohol, drunk, plain, incompetent, afternoon, boyfriend, vegtables, nose, make-up, chop, new and learn to the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of self doubt and shame at the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’, I stop, I breath.  I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by emotions of fear of failure and shame from the past.   Instead I remind myself I am in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical and it takes time so I remind myself to be patient and kind to myself. I realize my father was very ‘sorry’ as he got older and did the best he could at the time with me and all his children. I realize he would have ‘done things differently’ and taken back all the pain he caused to his children if he could. I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and out of my mind and get on with my day and the task at hand.

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Thought: I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.

Self forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.’

Self Forgiveness on Connection to Words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words humiliate, fear, hate, shame, insignificant, small, jail, little, helpless, woman, girl, slave, hopeless, suppressed, bedroom, inferior, harmed, punish, punishment and weak to the thought, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear in relation to the thought, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed’ I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be silenced and  directed by and as this fear of loss of safety. I realize I am not this fear and that I am in fact safe ‘here’ in this moment and that this emotion exists only in my mind as memory of past experience.  Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical so as not to have the past, as suppression, as a starting point of this ‘here’ moment. I realize I am learning how to express myself in self honesty and self trust. I trust myself to continue with my day.

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Thought: I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.’

Self Forgiveness on Connection to Words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words money, homeless, sex, slave, home, children, abandon, alone, helpless, shame, shut-up, stupid, careful, men, beauty, sexy, aging, ugly, prison, hopeless, quiet, fix, silent and mistake to the thought, ‘I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I have the thought,  ‘I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse’ and I go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss, of physical necessities and company, I stop, I breath. I realize I am responsible for my own security and ‘well being’. I realize I am in a process of changing and understand me and it will take time and remind myself to be patient. I no longer accept and allow myself to remain ‘victim’ of past thought patterns.   Instead I bring myself out of my ‘head’ the back to what is real, what is here in my physical reality no longer punish myself by repeating the pattern of helpless victim, creating a timeloop in which my now moment is a starting point of a past moment, thereby creating a future from the past. I trust myself remain ‘here’ with the breath and attend to the situation that is concerning me, in a practical way, that places responsibility for myself on myself and not blaming another.

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Thought: I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.

Self Forgiveness on connection to words:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words afraid, helpless, hopeless, Dad, brother, rescue, hate, pain, mean, wrong, stupid, homework, learn, protect, hierarchy, rule, king, ruler, control, lack and power, to the thought,  ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.’

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss of control, at the thought, ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power’, I stop, I breath. I realize I have, in that moment, gone into my mind of past ‘experiences’ and I immediately bring myself back ‘here’ to this physical moment. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by this fear, as I now understand that this ‘power’ / ‘control’ I once perceived to be real, does not exist. I realize all that exist is me, as life as one and equal to all physicality in my world. Instead I remind myself true power is ‘know thyself’ but knowing is not enough, one must walk this knowing in each breath. So I trust myself and I continue with whatever needs to be done, to ensure my and the others safety and security.

Please investigate EqualMoney.Org and find out how you can effectively heal yourself and our planet.

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