When I was in grade nine, about 13 years old, I had my first experience of getting very drunk. Before a party, a group of girls and myself raided one of the girl’s parent’s liquor cabinet and made a disgusting mixture of hard liquor. We went to the local park, deep in the woods and took turns having a chug. I think there was 4 or 5 of us. I recall being more diligent in consuming and keeping this potion down and interestingly I remember thinking they didn’t seem to want as much as me and I couldn’t understand why. It was not that they knew it would make them sick, it was just ‘natural’ for them to consider it gross and ‘know ‘ it wasn’t a good idea to keep drinking it.

All I remember of the party was being in the kitchen of  this house searching for more alcohol, through their cupboards, with the parents there! Then I remember being helped up by my boyfriend from the sidewalk (he was attempting to ‘walk ‘ me home) and then my first experience with the police , as they saw this stumbling  young girl, picked me up and escorted me home in the cruiser.

I was being babysat by my Grandmother, for 2 weeks, while my parents were overseas, who was a devout Protestant (my Grandfather had been a minister in the Protestant church). My parents always hid all the alcohol and did not partake whenever she was at our home. Wow, doesn’t get anymore direct than that: lesson; hide the truth from your parents and stick to the weather, deception within families is acceptable, what is important is how ‘things’ look on the outside-be superfical with your family.

My sister delighted in scaring the shit out of me when I awoke the next morning, recanting the horror the night before, ” Are you EVER in trouble when Mom and Dad get home.”  And although I was, looking back I see they were partly acting ‘putting on a performance’ for my Grandmother. Nonetheless, I still have anger at how the incident was ‘handled’.

They called me downstairs the morning after their return. I sat on one couch and the my grandmother, mother and father opposite me. Only my father spoke , the 2 women were silent, their faces stern. I don’t remember all that was said  just that my father chastised me and threatened to beat me if it happened again and they grounded me for the summer. They stuck to it for July and August but as their guilt set in they became softer and softer. It was kind of nice as I spent time at home, did some chores and they would buy me treats and pay me and let me have friends over as the summer went on.

It shocks me that they did not ask me any questions about how I was feeling, what could I do to assist myself should this occur again, how did I feel about going to the party, how alcohol magically melts away inhibitions/fears and what I could do so I would feel ok without alcohol…..etc, you get the idea.

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Thought:  I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not offering me the support I needed.

SF on thought:I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,   ‘I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not providing me the support I needed.’

SF on connection to words: I forgive myself for acccepting and allowing myself to connect the words: police,sidewalk,drunk,shame,thirteen,power,father,beat,threat,sunburn,guilt,boyfriend,falling,vomit,choke,sister,forgive,grounded,grade 9,summer, to the thought,  ‘I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not providing me the support I needed.’

Realizations: I realize my family did what they thought was right and ‘best’ for all concerned. I realize they acted according to what was passed down from generation to generation, from the victorian era ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ mentality. I realize they did not beat me but used this as a threat only. I realize all 3 were playing ‘roles’ that they believed to be the ‘best they could do’ for me at the time. I realize if I had not ‘happened upon’ Desteni online, I too would be stuck in roles (more than I am now) and would not have any alternative but to stay in line/play by the rules of society just as my parents and grandmother did that day.

I realize my mother’s belief to this day, is arguing/fighting=speaking up ‘makes things worse’ and she stood by, saying nothing, partly because she did not want to add to the problem. I realize her mother spoke up and her father reacted with emotional and physical violence so severe my mother never saw her mother again from the age of 11 on. She was told, by relatives, that her dad threatened to kill her mother if she ever showed her face again.

Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction at the thought,  ‘I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not providing me with the support I needed’ I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to directed by the past as thoughts and emotions and blame the past for how I experience my life today. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical. I remind myself  I have an opportunity ‘here’ to birth myself as life in the physical and not live a life of suppression and role playing, something my mom, dad, and grandmother did not have. I am grateful for being ‘here’ with each moment and I take responsibility for whatever needs to be dealt with in this present moment and get on with my day.

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