I have had several ‘issues’ with woman, mostly groups of women, over the years. I am-was guilty of vicious gossip as well the target of-I do not accept and allow this behavior in myself anymore nor have I for many years. Today I have a few close ‘girlfriends’ and many respected other people in my life whom I socialize with and enjoy extensively.

The Lorne Park girls 1: These are the group of girls I was friends with in high school and beyond. Very judgmental group, somewhat competitive and snobby, extremely exclusive. I hung out with the ‘drama’ club crowd as well, who I found more ‘real’.

Memories: Thought Pattern:

I never got it. I never felt it. I liked them just fine but didn’t feel like crying because its so wonderful we’re friends and we’re all such lucky important group of girls, and we have to hug and touch each other alot because we’re all oh so close and loving. What a crock of shit that turned out to be. Once the ‘going got tough’ they dropped me like a ‘hot potato’ . Ha!  Because I had a problem-alcoholism- and I didn’t apologize properly to them.  I was fucking sick-its a mental and physical illness- I was not at the time capable! Anyway, I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches, I am embarrassed I was ‘one of them’. I would want nothing to do with their group/one of them would say ‘oh, she is so out, out of the group’ I thought this was mean and wrong . I did speak up but not loud enough.  I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them, in fact wish them well I, just call it like I see it and I hate the fucking phony ___’s. In fact I don’t need to hate them, they are nothing, they are not real.

Thought: I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in memories as thoughts and pictures in my mind that bring up  emotions that can harm me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and go into an energetic reaction of guilt, anger, shame, humiliation, suspicion, hate, jealousy, resentment and fear at memories of these girls in high school when I have the thought, ‘ I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them. ‘ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: high school, basement, dance, drinking, laughing, group, clothes, party, boys, boyfriend, Lorne Park, the group, girl friends to the thought, ‘I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them. ‘

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I have a memory of the Lorne Park girls and go into an energetic reaction of hate, blame, anger, resentment, I stop, I breathe. I realize it is in my control now to stop my thoughts, feelings and emotions in the moment and not be enslaved to them into infinity. I realize I was not wrong in the past about not ‘feeling’ mushy and gooey, lovey girl stuff, it was not real and I can trust myself to know who is real and what is true respect and love and what is not. I realize I was just like them, they are not so bad, I had lots good times with them and are in many ways they are ‘good’ people. I realize it is useless to blame others for my own actions, it is /was my responsibility that I had a problem and not their fault I behaved badly. I realize my focus should be on myself in each moment and not on judging another, that is not best for all. I no longer accept and allow  myself  to be living in a dream world of past memories, controlling and enslaving me for ever to re-live the past. Instead I bring myself back here, to the physical and remind myself it is all that is ever real and relevant in my world and get on with my day.

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Lorne Park girls: 2. I met another group of women from my high school when I met the man I married, as he was 5 years ahead of me from the same neighbourhood and high school. Three of these women I spent alot of time with. Overall, they were ok individually, it is the memory of the group that comes up more.   I will include some thoughts about individuals and the group in the pattern.

Thought Pattern:

Oh god, those hateful women. What a bunch of snobs, snotty bitches of the worst kind. I was not good enough, or didn’t fit in or what the fuck ever! They were right , I totally didn’t fit in. I wasn’t proficient at being fake, acting better than (not too obviously, just enough so it comes across but you can’t call the person out on it-fucking evil behavior). I did not ever and still don’t know how to be super friendly to someone and then ignore them another time-I never got that. (Actually , I would be guilty of that when I drank but not sober, sincere if not confident.) I can’t stand UI and her sister, they think they are better than me. UI is so stupid she rubbed her wealth in my face many times in many ways and I was so insecure I victimized myself by staying friends with her.

Thought/Memory:

I can’t stand those rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotions of inferiority, bitterness, jealousy, anger, resentment, spitefulness, guilt, shame, fear, hate at the thought, ‘ I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: Lorne Park, girls, women, group, friends, old, children, Glenforest, chalet, cottage, sea-do, competition, money, debt, rich, wealth, dinner party, school, high school, decorate, bake, Mercedes to the thought, ‘I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of  guilt, jealousy, hatred, fear, anger, inferiority over the thought, ‘I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them’ , I stop, I breathe. I realize I had many good times with these women over the years and that they are not so bad and in many ways ‘good’ people by our current society values, but off on certain things. I realize I valued money and was greedy just like them. I realize it is a waste of time and useless to blame another for my circumstances and mental state. I realize I am just as guilty and responsible for any interactions that took place. I realize I don’t need ‘friends’ I need myself here in every moment but company sometimes is fun and supportive. I realize I can trust myself if I feel uncomfortable with people there is a reason and I can remove myself if I feel it is best. I no longer accept and allow myself to engage in memories as thoughts and pictures in my mind bring up emotions that can harm me. I no longer accept and allow myself to waste time blaming others for the ‘past’ as ‘going over it’ again and again in my mind only results in me re-living the past as my starting point was from the past. Instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and the  moment with the breath and carry on with the task at hand and not in my head.

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