Unfortunately when my father drank he became a bully and his target was his children. So misguided, very sad. Totally out of the blue, I must have been about 10-12 and my sister about 15-16, ‘If either of you two sluts gets pregnant I’ll kick you from here to New York City. ‘ We lived in Toronto, Canada so that was a mighty kick. Uh, ok Dad. I mean what do you say to that? I was a virgin and had no interest in boys (or very little) at that point. I was no trouble to my parents in any way, in fact very careful to stay out of the way and ‘do everything’ right. So (I was too stunned to remember what my sister did or said) I just said nothing and did not move. I had leaned the hard way anything I said or did at that point would be wrong and attacked. I was terrified and remain still until he left. I’m sure he spewed more hatred out at us but I don’t remember the details. My sister and I were not close and my mother did not want to talk about these things, she actually did not know how. So, I was left alone to somehow ‘make it ok’, the next day he could be nice as pie  afterall, get over it(very cruel to do that to a child,’ be’ such dichotemy). I would spend alot of time alone in my bedroom delving into my mind, the start of shame, self loathing, mental sickness, and the birth of my own inner and outer bully.

Thought:  He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.

Thought pattern:  He was wrong about me, he didn’t know me. He was wrong to treat me like property, like he owned me. Like, as a kid he could do with/speak with as he fucking saw fit, with no consequences.  I knew that as a child. Why didn’t he fucking know it. He was not fit to have children. People should have to get a licence to have a child. It was cruel to be so insanely frightening and then so kind the next day, fucks a kid up, no wonder I became a drunk. God, I hope I didn’t hurt my kids . Well, I did but we have gone through it  several times since I have been sober. Thank god for AA.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick’ to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to    be possessed by an energetic reaction of anger, shame, inferiority, fear, hatred, guilt, confusion which triggered an onslaught of thoughts and in turn increased emotion round and round initiating with the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words alcohol, father, slut, New York, sister, mother, bedroom, alone, child, abuse, stupid, bully, pregnant, sex, insane to the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I am directed by anger, fear, guilt, shame, hatred, or inferiority at the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick’, I stop, I breathe. I realize my father was sick in his mind and his body with alcoholism. I realize he did not want to or  plan to intentionally hurt his children. I realize he was a ‘good’ parent in other ways as he provide financially very well for us and worked very hard. I realize he felt ‘guilty’ about how he treated his children/me as he got older and did his ‘best’/in his own way to ‘say sorry’ by being a more ‘loving’ parent.  I realize my father loved/respected me later in his life and I him. I no longer accept and allow myself to be controlled by thoughts about the past. I no longer accept and allow myself to be enslaved by emotions that can harm me, accepting the ‘sins of the father’ within and as me and re-playing them in my present life and so passing them onto my children and on and on it goes. Instead I bring myself out of my mind of thoughts and emotions and back ‘here’ to the physical with breath. I accept and allow myself to remain and stop the mind with each ‘here’ moment. Sometimes it is indeed a moment to moment exercise as the mind races and insists on controlling me, I stop/delete each thought, feel my feet on the ground and continue on with the task at hand.

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Comments
  1. Marlen says:

    Cool Sandy, here’s a link to a very cool post on how to stop the sins of the fathers within the parenting aspect http://scottcook.blogspot.com/2011/11/what-basic-understanding-will-be.html

    Thanks for sharing

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