I remember my father was drinking in the afternoon on a Saturday. My sister was over with her children. I was probably in my early 20’s and at my parents house for the weekend as I was attending university. My Dad was upset about how she was dealing with her kids.  She was a very competent parent but he could not handle any ‘upset’ and the kids were very young and probably acting up a little. He said something like, “You better get your kids under control or the Children’s Aid is going to take them away from you and your mother and I are not going to raise them.’ It was ugly. She did stand up for herself but then he just put her down more, there was no ‘winning’ when he drank.

Thought: My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks.

Thought Pattern:  What an asshole. Bullying my sister. He should leave her alone. Poor T. she doesn’t deserve that. I wish I could protect her but he scares me. He is lucky she even comes over after how he treated her as a teenager. She is a wonderful parent and he’s nuts. Why does he drink if it turns him into a monster after 2 sips of beer. I’m staying away from him. The stupid prick is insane and my mother just pretends everything is fine, don’t talk about it and it will go away. Children’s aid has enough families to help who need the help, they would never disrupt a functioning family as it would serve no purpose and only harm. Duh, what about that does he not get?  WTF is wrong with him?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,  ‘My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘ My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks alcohol.’ exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotions of hate, fear, suspicion, sadness and guilt to the thought,   ‘ My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks alcohol.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words father, sister, nephew, backyard, summer, beer, drunk, mean, insane, nuts, children, children’s aid, afternoon to the thought, ‘ My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks alcohol.’

Realizations:  I realize my sister did not need my protection and I have no  reason to feel guilty because she  received more verbal abuse from him, as the older sibling. I realize she dealt with it in her own way. I realize my father had a spit personality of being ‘normal/reasonable’ sober and a ‘monster’ when he drank.  I realize it is up to my sister to ‘forgive’ him/not judge/let it go’ when she is ready and a waste of my time to concern myself with it as it changes nothing.

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of anger or sadness at the thought,  ‘My father was insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drank  alcohol’  I stop, I breathe. I realize he was a sick man and did not want to hurt his children but could not control himself. I realize this memory is not my reality now but exists as a file in my ‘mind’ ready to control me by bringing up emotions that can harm me and using it as a starting point to influence/control my moment ‘here’. I no longer accept and allow this memory to be ‘alive’ within and as me. Instead I bring myself back to this ‘here’ moment with breath and focus on the task at hand , grateful for my experience here and get on with my day.

******************************

There were several polarities and contradictions within my family of origin. My father felt ‘superior’ to people of black skin and ‘inferior’ to people who made more money than he did. My father and his brothers would literally ‘hide’ all the alcohol in their homes whenever my grandparents were coming over, as my grandparents believed alcohol to be evil. My father and his younger brother were both alcoholic. Interesting. No one was aloud to talk about family mental problems and I was chastised by my uncle for talking about my Grandfather’s final days being delusional thinking he was back in the trenches of WWI, fighting for his life.  There was much mental illness in the family of varying degrees.

Thought:  The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.

Thought pattern: I am powerless, these people are fucking crazy and I’m stuck-with no voice-with them. It is how they say and I can’t speak up to defend others , to defend myself, to present a more rational thought, to contribute equally to the family. They are so wrong and so sick. I know human beings are equal, I know hiding doesn’t solve a problem, I know many people suffer in this family and the silence around this is deadly. I shut up out of fear of rejection to protect my own survival. I was powerless, the bastards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them’ exist within and as me as real. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotions of hate, anger, confusion, guilt and shame to the thought, ‘  The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.’ I forgive myself for connecting the words K.’s, family, uncle, father, alcoholism, crazy, nuts, insane, funeral, hospital, hide, funny, booze, blacks,whites, superior, inferior, joke, racist, racism, money, victim, little, fear, boss, silence, less-than,wedding, living room, L’s, shame, ashamed, cousin to the thought, ‘ The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.’

Realizations:   I realize my father and uncles probably felt the same about their parents, who were radical ‘Christian’ extremist and racist (my grandfather was a Protestent minister-hmm?!) I realize they did the best they could with what they understood as the truth. I realize they were often kind and ‘loving’. I realize they too were ‘victimized’ and ‘helpless’ as children and did not mean to pass on ‘the sins of the father’ . I realize I am standing and correcting myself so as to not repeat the past with my own children.

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I am possessed by an energetic reaction;  of shame around ‘mental illness’ , polarity thinking around competition and survival, or fear around the need to hide myself= my thoughts or actions  I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to be a slave to the past, as in thoughts that bring up harmful emotions  and set me once again spiraling in timeloops of forever re-living the past. I no longer accept and allow myself to with one and equal to a helpless victim these thoughts acting as the chains that imprison me, no end to the thoughts as links in this chain, they extend to my children as well and so on. Instead I stop and break the thought pattern as links by bringing myself back ‘\here’ and applying breath and self forgiveness in the moment and then getting on wit my day with gratitude.

**************************************************

There are certain people I have memories of that bring up jealousy and resentment.   These 4 people all have alot of money, 1 is a  family member and 2 were ‘best friends’ with myself and my ex-husband.

Thought: I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.

Thought Pattern: Assholes, they believe in the mentality of  survival of the fittest, that it is ‘justice’. They think because I lost my money through my troubles they are better than me. I can’t believe how superficial I was to hang around with them.  I don’t understand people who are so ‘nice’ one time and then so cold and distant the next time you see them. I should not have made myself vulnerable to B as I did not know her well enough anymore (knew her from childhood) and I put myself in a position to be judged by her and was humiliated. Fuck her, stupid bitch. F is incredibly greedy to dump her husband and be so impressed by men who have 100 million instead of her husband who only has 3 or 4 million. I hope she drowns in her money.  ‘A’ only cares about how things look on the outside; her expensive home, cottage  and how her children excel and wants you to know about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me’ exist within and as me as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the emotions of guilt, shame, humiliation, jealousy, hatred, less-than, inferiority, resentment anger and fear exist within and as me as a trigger point, triggering the thought,  ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words;  cottage, ski, mansion, rich, wealth, easy,  church, divorce, money, toys, horse, wedding, children, Lorne Park, cousin, friends, and past to the thought,  ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.’

Realizations: I realize B does not know me and I do not have to take her assumptions personally.  I realize F is going through her own process in life and I don’t need to judge her. I realize we had many fun times together when our children were young and we shared as honestly as we were able to. I realize our friendship was affected by the break up of my marriage. I realize ‘A’ is doing what she feels is best in her life and I have no right to judge her or her children. I realize G is a ‘good’ man and it does not matter if we don’t keep in touch as much as we used to, it is only my ego that cares.

Self Corrective Statement:   Whenever I am directed by  jealousy, anger, resentment- and thereby validating these emotions and believing them to be real- at the thought,  ‘I ‘  hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me’, I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself  to be controlled by these emotions that can harm me, causing me to forever re-live the past by engaging in my mind of past memories as my starting point. Instead I bring myself out of my mind of illusion and back to reality, ‘here’ in the physical. I remind myself not to judge another, I remind myself to be grateful for all I have in my life, I remind myself no one actually ‘owns’ anything in this world, we all use what we require for a period of time.  I get back to the task at hand and focus my attention on what is before me.

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