My current  understanding is I have made an agreement, a self/soul agreement, participating in this agreement in more and more awareness each day, as I particpate in various ways with Desteni and the Desteni I Process course. I accept the end of my personality as ‘Sandy’ (like the name, think I’ll keep it) knowing it is a process I am walking in each moment and I accept and allow myself to be patient with myself as it will take time. I have always had life questions that  ‘bugged me’ more and more as I ‘aged’. These questions are being answered, to my astonishment and amazement in ways I could never have guessed/comprehended/’hoped’ for through my daily participation with Desteni and the Desteni I Process Course.

I do not feel overly sentimental about this world, so I say goodbye to things like ownership , money, ‘society’, education, capitalism, consumerism, classism, race, cultures, religion, government, even the isolation and specialness of family systems (I don’t care about mine less but care about all-one human family- equally, how beautiful is that!).

I live within these systems now and I am not suggesting it will be ‘easy’ or without ‘pain’ to go through the breakdown of myself and my world as I know it. I do not know all it means to forgive my life as my last life. But something to consider, which I always thought human’s were kind of stupid for not considering, is; where is it you think you are going? Oh ya, death, all of us. This is simply facing the boogeyman sooner than later. Does that scare you, it scares me but like the little sweetie in the photo says, ‘Bring It‘. Let’s do this.

***********************************************

What the fuck am I? Why is my world so goddamn nasty, why am I accepting and allowing it?

I am indeed a character in a story. The story is circular, it has a beginning and an end. The story began November 29, 1960.

How Do I see myself : my personality?  I will write out ideas I have created as myself which exist as the mind:

youngest of 4, little, little Sandy, pretty, small, quiet, sweet, no trouble in fact you can even not notice=ignore her/overlook her she is so ‘shy’, somewhat of a wallflower, ‘she doesn’t say much but she’s cute’ an extra piece of furniture in an already overstuffed house, no room for her

average:   looking, average intelligence, average talent, average ability in all things—-because average and not really noticed even when tried really hard this led to not trying so hard, some depression, laziness, apathy, need for excitment external

I see myself, especially when I was younger, as someone who was given notice/time/attention by only really kind people. I appreciated this attention and added this into my personality=nice, kind, considerate, champion of the ‘fallen’/oddball/unnoticed/handicapped/unbeautiful.

Some years ago my, then, sister-in-law said she thought I was powerful but not strong. Interesting, all this dichotomy to keep me fucked up and stuck!  This description is assisting me in facing myself as the dichotomy (as I saw my father, Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hyde) I am today and have been most of my life:

the person, young girl , described above and …

the person who speaks her /the truth no matter what, ‘blurts it out without thinking’ apparently to many men who have known me ‘well’, straight forward, little to much edge=mean sounding, so guilt and confusion in the division /spit of personalily. One is weak= obsessed men and then went crazy because too much isolation /going in the mind and independent so didn’t tell anyone of ‘problem’ so self medicated and became alcoholic . So is that ‘weak’?-yes. Is that strong?-yes. I did not kill myself , said ‘fuck you too’ to what was not understandable (voices, things moving, magic in several ways) and wanted to scare the crap out of me.

business woman, smart, sexy, dependable, hard-working, determined, resourceful, must have what I want immediately alcoholic later=unable to delay gratification, dig heels in and do whatever it takes

needy , insecure, jealous of women I thought were better looking/more sexy/more funny/more talented/more of something, yet I thought of myself as a good friend to women, ‘I love my women friends’ ‘I am kind to all people’ but secretly hated many other women I considered ‘winners’=a threat or men who I thought would not like/notice me or people who had more money than me.

someone who cares about all life: people, animals, nature

innocent, deserving, loyal, sweet, I am the wronged one, judgemental

slave, maid, ugly/plain without make-up, sex slave,

alluring, sexy, talented, musical, fun,

poor single mom

big picture person, different, not fit in society

not one to accept being less than without a fight,

the fighter who tries hard but loses, doesn’t win athletic race, musical race, marriage race, money race-but keeps running/trying because you should and later I thought God/higher power wanted me to. Meaning of life= do you best.

However… take away the ‘glow’ of alcohol and reality did not look so great and I questioned and did not accept bull shit I saw/see all around me.

Someone who is percarious/somewhat brave/risk taker/somewhat thrill seeker/ thought I was entitled to question existance (except for say 5-10 years of my life when very sick with alcohol and then in AA-accepted a ‘higher power’.)

Who’s designed this? Who decided some are rich and some poor, as the family you are born into? Why is childbirth agony, that’s bullshit!

It is my understanding I choose the family I was born into from a group of families, the story of my life is imprinted within my DNA, my personality is pre-determined, as is my life. I have always believed I was limited and separate from others and all in my world, fuck that. I am ready and willing to let this go. Let’s continue . Note: I am 50 years old so trying to be thorough.

Not a natural beauty but fashionable and quite ‘cool’ look and sytle when I ‘try’=externals hair, make-up, clothes. Middle/Upper middle class. Not snobby but particular. Giving, caring of less fortunate, give some money and time to ‘charity’ newcomers in AA (alcoholics anonymous).  A homeowner, good mother, baker, enjoys staying home but still sexy in an apron, lol.

A skiier, somewhat athletic, rollerblader, always slim, attractive and healthy (lol even when I pounded back a pack of smokes at the bar).

A winner and go-getter, business woman, competent in 20’s. Somewhat a leader but did not want the role, said no to few management position offers-thought I was probably too lazy and often late to work, not good idea for me.  somewhat know it all, like to tell others my ‘opinion’ ie. how to eat ’cause I knew better.

30’s marriage ended: Less-than, loser, pathetic, needy, failure. Broken/not whole like other humans after ‘lost my mind’. frumpy housewife, alone, a pain-in-the-ass to husands lol, impatient, nag, drive husbands crazy with ‘extreme’ ideas/opinions different from most in the world.

funny, whitty, creative, inventive, poetic/romantic, spiritual (yuk, pleah) somewhat religious-higher power thing, seeking recognition through songwriting so insecure, fun loving, love dancing, sex, singing, food.

*******************************

OMG almost done: Note: may be some repeats

How Do I see myself,  my personality?  I will write out ideas I have created as myself which exist as the mind:

with my animals: cuddly, loving, caring, playful, take good care of, warm, and someone who does not abuse these wonderful animals but is aware I don’t own them but I have the privilage of being their protector/provider in this life.

with family and friends around birthdays and celebrations: remember dates and call or send cards give appropriate gift, don’t ‘over do it’, considerate, make homemade cards, enjoy these occasions, like receiving and giving on these occasions, enjoy making a ‘good’ presentation with dinners, cakes, presents wrapped, cards, enjoy attending these celebrations, get annoyed at ‘friends’ who buy expensive gifts and then I can’t ‘keep up’ and feel guilty or assume they think I am less caring /cheap, judge people who over-give as inconsiderate to how I feel, judge them as assholes.

as a parent: careful to not harm emotionally or physically, respectful, use common sense well, considerate, afraid of rejection so ‘suck up’ to them, can be condesending and then feel guilty, think I know more because of older/age= wisdom and sometimes give advice when not appropriate = they havn’t asked (appropriate at times, when they were young children), good teacher, sacrificing time and money, martryish at times, careful to never ‘name call’/put down, fearful of them getting killed or hurt emotionally or physically by others, somewhat obsessive, protective, dedicated, loyal, will defend ‘stick up for them’.

work/school: afraid of learning new things ie. on computer so will procrastinate, will over think/analyze/do a process, try to be thorough, slow because too much detail, think I am someone who is slow and confused and not as smart as another, will see myself as someone who can do a little and then need a nap/rest/get tired easily, ‘think’ about how much I have to do and how behind I am and then sleep to escape. *in a rush, move with haste as always believe I am behind, not enough time, in a hurry (going where? lol), need help, ask for help.

as wife: over think situation, worry a lot of abandonment, fear of failure, not good enough=pretty enough, exciting enough, successful enough for husband to ‘stick with me’. demanding, somewhat nag, boring.

around the house: singsongy (lol, my kids mentioned about a year ago I always sing around the house and I said ‘no I don’t, then noticed=became aware, I do all the time!) make up little melodies and ‘sayings’ about the animals ie. ‘little Pika Jones, little Pika Jones…’ when the cats meow, I meow back at them and cuddle them, so light hearted and silly. use lots of endearments for kids, animals, and children I ‘nanny’ (after/before school care program in my home) sweetie, honey-bunny, monkey nuts. I can get annoying with it so rein it in sometimes but generally mean it in a loving way/affectionate way. can feel very heavy/tired doing ‘boring’ chores like laundry. *Note: completely changes when I don’t use my mind and move ‘here’ with breath, the chore then becomes light and quick and effortless!

within family discussions: can become over excited, exaggerate a point, judge a point/person, become frustrated and angry if family does not understand/agree with my ‘argument’/ point. Then I feel frightened they will reject me and guilt sets in and I apologize and feel embarrassed and sheepish/I did it again.

*********************************************************

Note: I will say all of what is written below outloud, bringing it from 2 dimension to 3 dimension.

I no longer accept and allow myself to see myself as  these ‘qualities’ which add up to my personality throughout my lifetime.  I no longer accept and allow myself to see myself as a story, the story of Sandy with a beginning and an end, in which I am separate from all other life, an island, and limited to and within this personality, destined to forever/within the design of infinity  go round and round re-living this basically same story.

I accept and allow myself to put a stop to this now and to face my soul as myself.  I accept and allow myself to now be in a new agreement to live in self honesty in each moment of each breath, remaining ‘here’ and expressing who I really am ‘here’ as one and equal to all life, indeed one and equal to all in existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree to be a character in a story=a soul. The story is circular, it has a beginning and an end. The story began November 29, 1960. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a /have a soul. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am apparently here to learn ‘lessons’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is a ‘higher power’ who loves me and desires me to grow=ascend through these life lessons (we ‘lessen’ the opposite of ascend) to reach some spiritual height within the white light of ‘heaven’ a place of perfection. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘buy’ into /believe that it is apparently ‘right’ that I should wait for self perfection instead of trusting myself when I often thought this sounded like a silly fairy tale. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not trusting myself in thinking, it does not seem right to me so many suffer horribly, the ‘lessons’ seem unfair for some more than others.’   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to not trust myself that re-incarnation seems useless as we don’t even remember the last life so how do you really ‘learn’ the lesson? If we then get an easier life, next time around,  that is a nasty game some creator is playing and it is cruel and bullshit.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Oh well, there is nothing I can do about , I am helpless, so I will try and be grateful’, and live in self interest as I saw all around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a self/soul agreement which was my pre-programmed life as DNA= my resonances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as the youngest of 4, little, little Sandy, pretty, small, quiet, sweet, no trouble in fact you can even not notice=ignore her/overlook her she is so ‘shy’, somewhat of a wallflower, ‘she doesn’t say much but she’s cute’ an extra piece of furniture in an already overstuffed house, there is not much room for her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as average: average looking, average intelligence, average talent, average ability in all things- not really noticed even when I tried really hard, this lead to not trying so hard, some depression, laziness, apathy, need for excitment external.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who was given notice/time/attention by only really kind people I appreciated it and added this into my personality=nice, kind, considerate, champion of the ‘fallen’/oddball/unnoticed/handicapped/unbeautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is powerful but not strong. Interesting, all this dichotomy to keep me fucked up and stuck!  I saw my father as a Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hyde personality and I am today and have been most of my life a dichotomy: health freak-alcoholic, runner-smoker, bit of show off dress up sexy-frumpy housewife in sweat pants, ugly no make-up-sexy made up, strong-weak, somewhat wealthy-poor single mom, elated-depressed, physically powerful-fear death, fiercely independent-needy and insecure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a person who speaks her /the truth no matter what, ‘blurts it out without thinking’ apparently, to many men who have known me ‘well’, straight forward, little to much edge=mean sounding, so a person who second guesses herself often/daily, who feels tremendous guilt and confusion in the division /spit of personality. One is weak= didn’t say the ‘right’ thing to parent, friend, husband and carries the heavy burden of guilt everywhere. Someone who can’t sleep if a parent, husband, child is late and obsesses they are hurt/dead. Someone who obsesses men and then went crazy because too much isolation /going in the mind but independent so didn’t tell anyone of ‘problem’ so self medicated and became alcoholic . Someone who thus self sabatoges at every turn, so builds a life and then tears it down, build, tear down. (I see this in my thoughts today with my second husband, so grateful to Desteni, I am able to be aware and so stop this self destructive thinking/pattern!)  So is that ‘weak’-yes. is that ‘strong’-yes. I did not kill myself , said ‘fuck you too’ to what was not understandable (voices, things moving, magic in several ways) and wanted to scare the crap out of me. I see myself as both.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a business woman, smart, sexy, dependable, hard-working, determined, resourceful, must have what I want immediately alcoholic later=unable to delay gratification, dig heels in and do whatever it takes to win/succeed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as  someone who is needy , insecure, jealous of women I thought were better looking/more sexy/more funny/more talented/more of something, yet I thought of myself as a good friend to women, ‘I love my women friends’ ‘I am kind to all people’ but secretly hated many other women I considered ‘winners’=a threat or men who I thought would not like/notice me or families/people that had more money than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone someone who cares about all life: people, animals, nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is innocent, deserving, loyal, sweet, I am the wronged one, judgmental, also a  slave, maid, ugly/plain without make-up, sex slave yet also alluring, sexy, talented, musical, fun.

I forgive myself for seeing myself as a poor single mom, someone who needs financial help and handouts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who made a few very bad decisions in life and is now ‘fucked’ therefore ‘wronged’ and trapped financially, hopeless, helpless, with no way out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a big picture person, different, not fit in society, not one to accept being less than without a fight, the fighter who tries hard but loses, doesn’t win athletic race, musical race, marriage race, money race-but keeps running/trying because you should and later I thought God/higher power wanted me to. meaning of life= do you best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who does not accept the bull shit I see all around me. Someone who is precarious/somewhat brave/risk taker/somewhat thrill seeker/ thought I was entitled to question existence (except for say 5-10 years of my life when very sick with alcohol and then AA-accepted the existance of a ‘higher power’.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is not a natural born beauty but fashionable and has quite a ‘cool’ look and sytle when I ‘try’=externals hair, make-up, clothes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is middle/upper middle class.  Not snobby but particular, someone who is generous, giving, caring of less fortunate, gladly giving some money and time to ‘charity’ and newcomers in AA.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a homeowner, good mother, baker, enjoys staying home but still sexy in an apron, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a skiier, somewhat athletic, a rollerblader, someone who is always slim, attractive and healthy (lol even when I pounded back a pack of smokes at the bar).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a winner and go-getter, business woman, competent. Someone who is somewhat a leader but did not want the role, said no to few management position offers-thought I was probably too lazy and often late to work, not good idea for me.  Somewhat know it all, like to tell others my ‘opinion’ ie. how to eat ’cause I knew better, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is less-than, Loser, pathetic, needy, a failure. Broken/not whole like other humans after ‘lost my mind’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a frumpy housewife, alone, a pain-in-the-ass to husands lol, impatient, nag, drive husbands crazy with ‘extreme’ ideas/opinions different from most in world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is funny, whitty, creative, a writer, inventive, never ending well of ‘ideas’ supposedly new ideas so an inventor, poetic/romantic, spiritual (yuk, pelah) somewhat religious-higher power thing, seeking recognition and fame and wealth through songwriting but not greedy lol, fun loving, loves dancing, sex, singing, and eating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, with my animals, is cuddly, loving, caring, playful, take good care of, warm, and someone who does not abuse these wonderful animals but is aware I don’t own them but I have the privilage of being their protector/provider in this life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, with family and friends around birthdays and celebrations, remembers dates and calls or sends cards, give appropriate gift, don’t ‘over do it’, considerate, make homemade cards, enjoy these occasions, like receiving and giving on these occasions, enjoy making a ‘good’ presentation with dinners, cakes, presents wrapped, cards, enjoy attending these celebrations, get annoyed at ‘friends’ who buy expensive gifts and then I can’t ‘keep up’ and feel guilty or assume they think I am less caring /cheap, judge people who over-give as inconsiderate to how I feel, judge them as assholes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, as a parent, is careful to not harm emotionally or physically, respectful, uses common sense, considerate, afraid of rejection so ‘suck up’ to them, can be condesending and then feel guilty, think I know more because of older/age= wisdom and give advice when not appropriate = they havn’t asked (appropriate at times, when they were young children), good teacher, sacrificing time and money, martryish at times, careful to never ‘name call’/put down, obsessive, fearful of them failing at life, failing at marriage, not being able to be employed at well paying job, getting killed or hurt emotionally or physically by others, protective, dedicated, loyal, will defend ‘stick up for them’, fearful they will ‘fuck up’ like I and their father did (sins of the father).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, with regards to work & school, is afraid of learning new things ie. on computer so will procrastinate, will over think/over analyze/over do a process, try to be thorough, is slow because too much detail, think I am someone who is slow and confused and not as smart as another, will see myself as someone who can accomplish only a little and then need a nap/rest/get tired easily, ‘think’ about how much I have to do and how behind I am and then sleep to escape, *in a rush, move with haste as always believe I am behind, not enough time, in a hurry (going where? lol).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, as wife, over thinks a situation, worry a lot of abandonment, fears the failure/break up of the marriage, is not good enough=pretty enough, exciting enough, successful enough for husband to ‘stick with me’, demanding, somewhat nag, boring, somewhat suspicious, somewhat pessimistic or is it realistic about the joke ‘marriage’ has become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, around the house, is singsongy (lol, my kids mentioned about a year ago I always sing around the house and I said ‘no I don’t, then noticed=became aware, I do all the time) make up little melodies and ‘sayings’ about the animals ie. ‘little Pika Jones, little Pika Jones…’ when the cats meow, I meow back at them and cuddle them, so light hearted and silly, joyful, playful, uses lots of endearments for kids, animals, and children I ‘nanny’ (after/before school care program in my home) such as sweetie, honey-bunny, monkey nuts…etc.  I can get annoying with it so rein it in sometimes but generally mean it in a loving way/affectionate way. Someone who can feel very heavy/tired doing ‘boring’ chores like laundry. *Note: completely changes when I don’t use my mind and move ‘here’ with breath, the chore then becomes light and quick and effortless!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, within family discussions, can become over excited, exaggerate a point, judge a point/person, become frustrated and angry if family does not understand/agree with my ‘argument’/ point,someone who needs to ‘control herself’. Then I feel frightened they will reject me and guilt sets in and I apologize and feel embarrassed and sheepish/I did it again.

Done for now. It is somewhat ‘frightening’ to let go/release my personality as Sandy, who will I be? What is inbetween? What is left, who is left? I don’t know. That’s ok. Many stand with me at Desteni as I will, in turn stand with you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s