Posts Tagged ‘abuse’

not censored.

My first boyfriend, TM, was a ‘nice’ guy. He was somewhat meek, short, fair skin and hair and quiet. I was attraced to him because he was very talented in the high school musicals and he was ‘cute’. He was also kind and considerate and honest, qualities I apparently did not value again for some time.   We did not enjoy ‘hot sex’. It was my first sexual experience and it meant little to me. We stayed together for the high school years only because I was not self honest enough to tell him I was not happy in the relationship any longer.  He was very dependant, a homebody, and seemed afraid of life. When I did ‘break up’ with him he took it hard, we were probably all of 18 years old. He told me he considered killing himself and acted strangely with me even years later. There was a painful meeting 6 months after the breakup, he hoped I would have ‘come to my senses’ but I had moved on to the next ‘love of my life’ . Note: I am not aware of the thought patterns to a great extent as they are, for me, more ‘backchat’ (explained in previous blog). So I am somewhat ‘guessing’. I will be studying by ‘backchat’ in the second year of my course with Desteni!

Thought pattern: Poor TM, he’s such a loser, it’s so sad, I feel terrible but I just didn’t love him, I hated sex with him, no way it would have worked, I hope I never see him again, oh God, that would be awful ,I hope he’s happy, it was so awful hurting him, poor guy, he didn’t have a supportive, strong family, it’s ridiculous how much importance he put on our relationship, it was wrong of him to make me feel sooooo guilty. Oh well, the whole relationship went on too long, it was just wrong.

Thought:  Oh poor TM. God, I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think , ‘Oh poor TM. God, I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in a relationship based on deception. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and guilt  at the thought, ‘Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: high school, Lorne Park, White Oaks Park, boyfriend, first, virgin, oral sex, swimming pool,and ‘The Flintstones’, to the thought, ‘ Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of guilt at the thought, ‘Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that’, I stop, I breathe. I realize I am not responsible to ‘take care of / protect’ in a caretaker role or savior role another adult in this world.  I no longer accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts and emotions of guilt in my mind that can harm me or others instead I bring myself back to ‘here’, to the physical and remind myself all that is real is this moment. I remind myself, should I meet this person again, I will treat him with the respect and dignity I would want to to treated, as we are one and equal.

****************************

My next boyfriend, in University, I will call KP.  He was the opposite of TM as he was tall,dark and handsome, loud, a heavy drinker/other substances, a womanizer, witty, sexy, loved to be out in bars and party. He was also full of hate and this came out more and more. He liked to ‘tease’=criticize me and humiliate me often, when we were alone and in front of others. He was dishonest and unfaithful throughout the relationship. I liked him because he was sexy and smart and looked like a ‘man’ not a boy. I see now my relationships have been largely based on outer/superficial qualities. It has all been based in self-interest, KP kept me busy by entertaining me with fun sex, an active social life, interesting discussions and readings-knowledge and information (he was a journalism student), and second guessing myself.

Thought Pattern: I hate KP, he ‘hurt’ me. He’s a liar and a cheat. He was starting to lose his looks, I bet he doesn’t look so handsome now. Probably overweight and an alcoholic. I bet he cheats on his wife or is divorced. I heard he ‘moved up’ in the world and bought a house in the neighborhood I grew up in and asked someone how I was, pretending like he treated me well. He’s a disgusting ‘pig’, a Nazi full of hate and thinks it’s funny to believe lies, a complete asshole. I hope I never see him again then I won’t have be polite and a hypocrite.

Thought: I hate KP, he hurt me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of anger,fear, humiliation, and hate at the thought, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words Lorne Park, Ryerson, journalism, Oakville, university, party, basement, sex, boyfriend, Dun and Bradstreet, Hawaii, pot, cottage, newpaper, couch, unfaithful, liar, cheat, torture to the thought, ‘ I hate KP, he hurt me.’

Whenever I have the thought, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me’, I stop, I breathe. I realize it was a long time ago I went out with him and I do not know him now. I realize the past can only hurt me if I allow it to with thoughts and emotions. I realize I am in a ‘healthy’ ‘happy’ marriage now and I do not have to fear the past. I realize, if I have these emotions of anger and hate, they come from me and I cannot blame another.  I realize I am responsible for ‘going out with’ this person for 4 years and I was unconsciously trying to re-live the relationship with my father to ‘heal’ it. I no longer accept and allow myself to be possessed by emotions of hate and anger that arise when I think of KP. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical, to ‘here’ in each moment of each breath. I remind myself that ‘here’ is all that is real in my world and I am safe and responsible for my state of being and I get on with my day.

***********************************************************

The next boyfriend I had became my husband. I will call him BD. Our relationship lasted 13 years, including our marriage of 9 years. We had 2 children so although our relationship changed when we separated , it is still ongoing even today. I thought, compared to KP, he was a ‘walk in the park’. I don’t think he ever wanted to get married (maybe at the beginning of our relationship) but I insisted. In many ways he was like my father, he could be ‘nice’ one minute and then quite cruel the next. He was a heavy drinker and liked to stay out late in bars. He lied and cheated (my father did not ‘cheat’ on my Mom as far as I know) and  tortured me as he would insist I was just ‘crazy’ ‘insecure’ ‘jealous’ when I would ask why he came home at 3a.m.  During our relationship he had extreme highs and lows and was often out of work. When he left, for the second time, our children were just 2 and 4 years old and I was penniless.

Thought Pattern: I hate BD, he’s a fucking asshole. If it wasn’t for the kids I would tell him to fuck off. Well, he did pay child support and can be quite kind. I shouldn’t be so bitter. He and his family are evil, they said they ‘loved me’ and then abandoned me. They are rich and I have nothing and made me sign an agreement stating I could never ‘go after’ their precious money. That’s cruel. They throw their money at my children paying for a life style I cannot compete with/keep up like members at an exclusive ski resort, expensive summer camp, a car, university away from home, expensive clothes at christmas. They use their money=power to control my children’s lives and it works. They only helped me a little when I humiliated myself by asking for a loan now and then. I hate them, may they burn in hell. They deserve that! Oh, that’s terrible. I shouldn’t think like that. No one deserves that. There were good times and kindness over the years, I’m awful! They have been generous to my children and love them. It’s just me they through in the garbage , not the kids.

Thought: I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotions of anger, resentment, fear, hate, humiliation, shame, jealousy and guilt and to go into an energetic reaction within my human physical body which can harm me when I think, ‘  I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because of their wealth. Bunch of phonies.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: ski, chalet, Markdale, cottage, summer, travel, wealthy, lifestyle, rich, greedy, Lorne Park, high school, parents, in-laws, children, divorce, family, debt, marriage to the thought,  ‘I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.’

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of anger, hate, humiliation, shame, jealousy, resentment and guilt at the thought, ‘  I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies’ I stop, I breathe. I realize I am safe and no longer a victim as I live ‘here’ in the moment with breath.  I no longer accept and allow myself to exist as past memories inside my head that can harm me. I realize I am not more innocent or guilty than BD and his family, that we are , in fact one and equal together here, on earth. Instead I remind myself to stay outside of my mind and bring myself back ‘here’ and continue with the situation at hand, not allowing the past to interfere or be repeated as a timeloop.

*****************************************************

The next boyfriend I had, after my marriage ended, was with CL. Or, as he liked to remind me, it was not a relationship, I was his ‘booty call’. He would see me for sex and that’s it. I feel furious about it even as I type this. But I understand now I am angry with myself for allowing the abuse and humiliation to continue in my life with respect to ‘relationships’. I started writing music when my marriage was ‘going south’. I thought I was  ‘suppose’ to, a gift from God, I was special. But I know now it was deception as the White Light construct that kept me enslaved to the ‘story’ of Sandy. This man was a musician I met along that ‘path’. I liked him because he validated me as a woman (after being rejected by my husband), we had fun sex, he was ‘handsome’, he had a sexy singing voice and could play the piano.

Thought Pattern: Oh God, I hate that man CL, he is the devil himself. He lied to me , used me, he is an evil fucking prick. I was so innocent…well… I was so sincere in how I ‘loved’ him and he never wanted anything but sex. I drove myself literally insane obsessing over him and writing him ‘love’ songs. I nearly died because I met him, I ended my marriage too soon (lol, my husband was glad, he had wanted ‘out’ for about 5 years)  and this put me in a very vulnerable position ie. no money or practical help with 2 little children to raise. Then I became an alcoholic for Christ sake to stop the ‘voices’ in my head. Then because I was an alcoholic (stopped me from killing myself at least was good ‘tool’ for few years) I nearly lost custody of my children. All because he was a smooth fuckin devil with a silver tongue. CL ruined my life and I hate the man whole heartedly. I hope he rots, he deserves it.

Thought: Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole. He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of blame, regret, anger, bitterness, self-pity, self-loathing, hate when I think, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the  emotions of : blame, regret, anger, bitterness, self-pity, self-loathing, and hatred at the thought , ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole.  He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because of him..’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: sex , piano, song, songwriting, Leuty, basement apartment, Montreal, alcoholism, crazy, insane, suicide, Children’s Aid, pot, oil, daughter, feel, booty, booty call, use, to the thought, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’

Whenever I think, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole. He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because of him’ I stop, I breathe.  I realize I am angry at myself for ‘playing with the Devil’. I realize I desperately needed something to replace my husband, something outside of me because I had no self–esteem/worth/love . I realize I was naive but not innocent, I used him for a ‘treat’ too and wanted to use him for a ‘lifetime’ to ‘complete’ me, fill the emptiness inside of myself. I realize my insanity (see My Story: http://youtu.be/jHmtACV-ECE) eventually led me to Desteni where I am busy learning to stand, all as one as equal ‘here’ on earth and learning ‘best for all’ principals and how to implement an Equal Money System, so desperately need on this planet. I realize there is nothing I would rather be busy doing. I no longer accept and allow myself to place blame outside of myself but know I create my life in each moment of each breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be in my mind as past memories and emotions that can harm me but instead I bring myself back here to the physical and direct myself in the awareness of what is here and what is real and not re-create my past over and over. I stand and I stop the mind as possession as thoughts.  I am responsible to do what is best for all, as life as equal!

Some memories of my childhood, specifically  in relation to  my father ‘picking on’, humiliating, his 4 children.  Lets heal this ! Of course this  includes my father, who I love.

I remember hiding in my room, listening at the door to my Dad yell at my brother, I believe my Dad was  drinking (most of these incidents occurred when he was intoxicated-not an excuse but important to note how alcohol can bring out the ‘evil’ side of a human being! Best to face this sober and get rid of these inner demons for good!). He often ‘helped ‘ my brother with his homework this way, yelling at him, putting him down, belittling him about being stupid and a failure if he didn’t ‘get it right’ and ‘get it right-right now’!  I felt terror, I felt my brothers pains, his shame and I internalized it, just as he did.

Another incident my Dad was picking on me when I was in grade nine, he generally left me alone when I was younger, had  3 others to attack and that’s why I hid and I hid well. So when my oldest brother and sister had left-escaped-he noticed me and I became a target. ‘She blackens her eyes so you don’t notice her big nose’ . Not a good thing to say to a 14 year old girl! I obsessed my looks more and more for years, I was convinced I was basically ugly unless I really ‘tried’=lot of make-up. So sad. “Don’t you know how to chop vegtables, didn’t your mother show you?” he’d yell in a harsh, accusatory voice and then no matter how you tried he would put down your efforts and make you feel completely stupid, a useless failure and I hated him for it …then the guilt, ‘oh god, I hate my father, I can’t hate him, it’s not allowed, he must be right, blah blah…’  Then his guilt/remorse would kick in and he’d be super nice for the next few days. There would be gifts of money, goodies, a little kind attention !  So there was a strange confusion/uncertainly within self and within the home. I would tell myself (unconsciously) “.. remember , you cannot trust his kindness because experience has shown you it does not last–when your guard is down – WHAM he gets you! Damn, I wasn’t going to put myself in that situation ie. be home at 4pm on a day he is home early  so be a possible target-ever again. I would blame myself , enough said, it is a horrible way to live for the perpetrator and the victim. It is dispicable to treat a child this way , he may as well have smashed in my face, at least the pain/abuse would have been visable. No excuses, no holding back, it just plain destroyed me. I didn’t have a chance.

*************************************

thought: I’m ugly and stupid.

Self forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m ugly and stupid’ . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’ to exist within and as me.

Self forgiveness on connection to words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words dad, father, alcohol, drunk, plain, incompetent, afternoon, boyfriend, vegtables, nose, make-up, chop, new and learn to the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of self doubt and shame at the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’, I stop, I breath.  I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by emotions of fear of failure and shame from the past.   Instead I remind myself I am in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical and it takes time so I remind myself to be patient and kind to myself. I realize my father was very ‘sorry’ as he got older and did the best he could at the time with me and all his children. I realize he would have ‘done things differently’ and taken back all the pain he caused to his children if he could. I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and out of my mind and get on with my day and the task at hand.

*******************************************

Thought: I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.

Self forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.’

Self Forgiveness on Connection to Words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words humiliate, fear, hate, shame, insignificant, small, jail, little, helpless, woman, girl, slave, hopeless, suppressed, bedroom, inferior, harmed, punish, punishment and weak to the thought, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear in relation to the thought, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed’ I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be silenced and  directed by and as this fear of loss of safety. I realize I am not this fear and that I am in fact safe ‘here’ in this moment and that this emotion exists only in my mind as memory of past experience.  Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical so as not to have the past, as suppression, as a starting point of this ‘here’ moment. I realize I am learning how to express myself in self honesty and self trust. I trust myself to continue with my day.

***************************************************

Thought: I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.’

Self Forgiveness on Connection to Words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words money, homeless, sex, slave, home, children, abandon, alone, helpless, shame, shut-up, stupid, careful, men, beauty, sexy, aging, ugly, prison, hopeless, quiet, fix, silent and mistake to the thought, ‘I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I have the thought,  ‘I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse’ and I go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss, of physical necessities and company, I stop, I breath. I realize I am responsible for my own security and ‘well being’. I realize I am in a process of changing and understand me and it will take time and remind myself to be patient. I no longer accept and allow myself to remain ‘victim’ of past thought patterns.   Instead I bring myself out of my ‘head’ the back to what is real, what is here in my physical reality no longer punish myself by repeating the pattern of helpless victim, creating a timeloop in which my now moment is a starting point of a past moment, thereby creating a future from the past. I trust myself remain ‘here’ with the breath and attend to the situation that is concerning me, in a practical way, that places responsibility for myself on myself and not blaming another.

**********************************************

Thought: I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.

Self Forgiveness on connection to words:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words afraid, helpless, hopeless, Dad, brother, rescue, hate, pain, mean, wrong, stupid, homework, learn, protect, hierarchy, rule, king, ruler, control, lack and power, to the thought,  ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.’

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss of control, at the thought, ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power’, I stop, I breath. I realize I have, in that moment, gone into my mind of past ‘experiences’ and I immediately bring myself back ‘here’ to this physical moment. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by this fear, as I now understand that this ‘power’ / ‘control’ I once perceived to be real, does not exist. I realize all that exist is me, as life as one and equal to all physicality in my world. Instead I remind myself true power is ‘know thyself’ but knowing is not enough, one must walk this knowing in each breath. So I trust myself and I continue with whatever needs to be done, to ensure my and the others safety and security.

Please investigate EqualMoney.Org and find out how you can effectively heal yourself and our planet.