Posts Tagged ‘attack’

When I was in grade nine, about 13 years old, I had my first experience of getting very drunk. Before a party, a group of girls and myself raided one of the girl’s parent’s liquor cabinet and made a disgusting mixture of hard liquor. We went to the local park, deep in the woods and took turns having a chug. I think there was 4 or 5 of us. I recall being more diligent in consuming and keeping this potion down and interestingly I remember thinking they didn’t seem to want as much as me and I couldn’t understand why. It was not that they knew it would make them sick, it was just ‘natural’ for them to consider it gross and ‘know ‘ it wasn’t a good idea to keep drinking it.

All I remember of the party was being in the kitchen of  this house searching for more alcohol, through their cupboards, with the parents there! Then I remember being helped up by my boyfriend from the sidewalk (he was attempting to ‘walk ‘ me home) and then my first experience with the police , as they saw this stumbling  young girl, picked me up and escorted me home in the cruiser.

I was being babysat by my Grandmother, for 2 weeks, while my parents were overseas, who was a devout Protestant (my Grandfather had been a minister in the Protestant church). My parents always hid all the alcohol and did not partake whenever she was at our home. Wow, doesn’t get anymore direct than that: lesson; hide the truth from your parents and stick to the weather, deception within families is acceptable, what is important is how ‘things’ look on the outside-be superfical with your family.

My sister delighted in scaring the shit out of me when I awoke the next morning, recanting the horror the night before, ” Are you EVER in trouble when Mom and Dad get home.”  And although I was, looking back I see they were partly acting ‘putting on a performance’ for my Grandmother. Nonetheless, I still have anger at how the incident was ‘handled’.

They called me downstairs the morning after their return. I sat on one couch and the my grandmother, mother and father opposite me. Only my father spoke , the 2 women were silent, their faces stern. I don’t remember all that was said  just that my father chastised me and threatened to beat me if it happened again and they grounded me for the summer. They stuck to it for July and August but as their guilt set in they became softer and softer. It was kind of nice as I spent time at home, did some chores and they would buy me treats and pay me and let me have friends over as the summer went on.

It shocks me that they did not ask me any questions about how I was feeling, what could I do to assist myself should this occur again, how did I feel about going to the party, how alcohol magically melts away inhibitions/fears and what I could do so I would feel ok without alcohol…..etc, you get the idea.

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Thought:  I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not offering me the support I needed.

SF on thought:I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,   ‘I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not providing me the support I needed.’

SF on connection to words: I forgive myself for acccepting and allowing myself to connect the words: police,sidewalk,drunk,shame,thirteen,power,father,beat,threat,sunburn,guilt,boyfriend,falling,vomit,choke,sister,forgive,grounded,grade 9,summer, to the thought,  ‘I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not providing me the support I needed.’

Realizations: I realize my family did what they thought was right and ‘best’ for all concerned. I realize they acted according to what was passed down from generation to generation, from the victorian era ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ mentality. I realize they did not beat me but used this as a threat only. I realize all 3 were playing ‘roles’ that they believed to be the ‘best they could do’ for me at the time. I realize if I had not ‘happened upon’ Desteni online, I too would be stuck in roles (more than I am now) and would not have any alternative but to stay in line/play by the rules of society just as my parents and grandmother did that day.

I realize my mother’s belief to this day, is arguing/fighting=speaking up ‘makes things worse’ and she stood by, saying nothing, partly because she did not want to add to the problem. I realize her mother spoke up and her father reacted with emotional and physical violence so severe my mother never saw her mother again from the age of 11 on. She was told, by relatives, that her dad threatened to kill her mother if she ever showed her face again.

Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction at the thought,  ‘I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not providing me with the support I needed’ I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to directed by the past as thoughts and emotions and blame the past for how I experience my life today. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical. I remind myself  I have an opportunity ‘here’ to birth myself as life in the physical and not live a life of suppression and role playing, something my mom, dad, and grandmother did not have. I am grateful for being ‘here’ with each moment and I take responsibility for whatever needs to be dealt with in this present moment and get on with my day.

Survival of the fittest is like a cruel joke because it is so obviously based on money. Depending upon where you are born, into what family you are born, who you know, determines on how ‘fit’ you are to educate yourself and indeed to ‘elevate’ yourself into a position where you are able to hold your head high and say, ‘I am a contributing member of society, I am holding my own’.

As well,  you have much more likely been ‘blessed’ with the needed practical tools of self esteem from consistant, loving care children need as they grow, determination, opportunity, ‘choice’ of career etc. I mention consistant and loving care with some hesitation as I was a single parent with no money raising my children. So poor does not equal  providing no consistancy or love. Obviously I did, however, the sad fact is it is much more difficult as one gets exhausted day in and day out raising children without the luxury of help (a needed break), no time for self care or reflection as to what is working/important and what should be altered.

Put simply; within the current money system, survival is based almost entirely on money. If one has abundance, is wealthy, they have time. Time to get enough rest, exercise, have their ‘house in order’ , enjoy hobbies, be creative, explore themselves and their world, take vacation and therefore building mental and physical ‘fitness’.

If one is middle class, they have very little time to do these things and just keep ‘running’ and do not stop long enough to determine how to change this world so the ‘human/rat race’ can be stopped.

If one is poor, well, they do not have any chance/hope to build ‘fitness’ and only focus on one day of their children/themselves not dying, not becoming dehydrated, diseased, murdered, raped.  Perhaps they are focussed on migrating to a ‘safer’ region. There is little , virtually no power they hold that will magically change their circumstances and so internalize their outrage and pray to a ‘God’ for some relief, if only in the hereafter.

In a world where an equal money system was in place, all would have their basic needs met!  Food, shelter, medical care!  This is not some ‘pie in the sky’ crazy utopian idea. There is enough food in the world currently to feed all beings on the planet, there are enough resources and manpower to house all the beings on the planet, there are enough people to provide all the care we need. Do we really need to suffer more before we stand up and say, ‘No I do not accept the way the world is currently operating’ and start taking action?

For example how much does a fighter jet cost?  This is taken from Wiki Answers on August 21, 2011

“Well, it varies according to the fighter jet. Here are prices of several models.

  • F-22 Raptor stealth fighter jet costs $150 million
  • Sukhoi Su-30MKI costs $35.74 million
  • Eurofighter Typhoon costs €90 Million
  • Chengdu J-10 costs $27.84 million

Canada is in the process of deciding whether to purchase the F-15 fighter jet-don’t say how many , I believe it was about 6-8, spending 9 Billion, some estimate it could go as high as 18 Billion Dollars!!!   What????   That ‘s in sanity. Why? To supposed protect ourselves from ,and of course kill, other human beings.

I would be speechless except that won’t change anything.

In an equal money system we eliminate ‘the enemy’ by providing what ‘they’ are fighting for;        SURVIVAL.

We are slaves to the elite but we don’t have to be. If you are interested in making a difference and want to change our world now, please investigate at EqualMoney.Org

THOUGHT:  I should never have told my Dad to sell the cottage to one of his children

Trigger points

*Summer * Memories of the wedding-Muskoka theme *Muskoka-cottaging –seeing advertisements,chairs,commercials etc.

REALIZATIONS  I realize  the ‘season’ temperature outside being warm is just that-warm and does not have to relate to anything. I realize I can enjoy being outside when the temperature is warm, anywhere I happen to be at the  moment. I realize, one day –we, the beings here on earth-may be able to control the climate so one is comfortable all the time.  I realize memories and pictures, that pop up in my mind, when I think of my nephews wedding do not have to control me, that I can be the directive principal of me in the moment. I realize the company that helped my nephew with their wedding plans probably asked/suggested they ‘pick a theme ‘ to work with. I realize it is me going into/being directed by self-pity, self-abuse, self-punishment and self-victimization when I connect Spencer’s wedding with the cottage, and the day was about celebrating the union between the two beings and not me!! Lol!

I realize seeing advertisements/ items for sale/etc. for anything ‘Muskoka’ is just that –marketing to sell stuff I don’t have to let this outside image control me.

I realize , with the DIP course, I am in actual fact changing how I react to other beings, memories, images to become the self directive principal of myself ‘here’ with the breath.

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SELF CORRECTIVE STATEMENT  Whenever the summer weather, memories of Spencer’s wedding theme, or seeing/hearing Muskoka advertising,  trigger the thought,  ‘I should have never told my Dad to sell the cottage to one of his children’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by thoughts of self-pity, self-victimization  and finger pointing. Instead I realize that I am ‘here’ and using the breath I bring myself back to the physical and out of the mind. I remind myself to be grateful for all I have and get back to the task at hand, whether it be work or play.

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Type of  Thought :  REGRET

Realizations:

I realize my regret of not owning the cottage is based  in self interest/ greed & as what is best for me and my family and in fear of the future as in not having enough money to protect myself and my family and not in what is best for all, as how I want to live today as a Destonian.

I realize this regret controls me in the form of thought , emotions and deed, in ways I do not want. I realize regret exists as and within me and feeds off of my physical human body and grows and extents outward to influence my children (and others)  so the ‘sins of the father’ are passed on from one generation to another. I realize this regret is from fear and becomes anger-an angry/dangerous demon who, at any given moment, will change and become vicious and perhaps violent/ vile and will do many things to  protect me,  my world and my family and doesn’t care about the fate of others.

I realize regret is an emotion existing within my own mind-it has no reality of it’s own. I am letting something that is not real control me so I am not really participating /directing myself in an effective way within my world.

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SELF CORRECTIVE STATEMENT

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of regret when I have the thought, ‘I should never have told my Dad to sell the cottage to one of his children’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to focus on  thoughts and emotions based on self-pity about the past and fear of the future. Instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and know this is where I am effectively directing myself. I remind myself of all I am grateful for and the many ways to enjoy nature, in my current situation, on my own or with my family. I stop all forms of self-abuse and self-victimization  and get on with the task at hand. I remind myself how grateful I am to be part of the change toward an equal money , which will bring about an opportunity for all to enjoy nature and live without fear of not owning  ‘assets’ like buildings or land. The physical cannot be ‘owned’, it just is.

The thought of fear that I am working with :  ” I should have never told my father to sell the cottage to one of his children.”

Self-Forgiveness on emotion/feeling:

Fear, Regret, Jealousy, anger, sadness, frustration, hatred, guilt, inferior, stupidity

SELF FORGIVENESS STATEMENTS:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled and directed by fear of loss in regards to my sister owning the cottage. The loss of money, the loss of possible vacation opportunites and the loss of self as ‘secure’ ‘’wealthy’ . I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself for fearing the loss of ‘being wealthy’ when hundreds of thousands of human beings/children in my world are starving to death, painfully  today. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter an energetic  state of lethargy and self pity when I think there is nothing I can do about such a huge problem as people starving to death today. (just checked online; about 16,000 children a day, starve to death !!).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by this fear of loss in my life manifesting as regret, so that I am often having thoughts of regretting this past ‘mistake’ of speaking to my father, constantly having thoughts of regretting no vacation in the present and thoughts of regretting no cottage in the future, so always up in the head and not here at all being of service to my world and others in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of jealousy about  my sister owing the family cottage. To have this jealousy exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of anger about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this anger exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of sadness about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this sadness  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of frustration  about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this frustration exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest–to the point that I  am stuck/frozen in my mind of thoughts so forever destined to play out the past as it becomes my current reality and  future instead of existing here and dealing with how to ensure all beings  have a home/shelter/food and not worry about vacation properties  (but later I would, as all need to be surrounded by nature sometime).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of hatred about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this hatred  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest. This hatred goes outward to the many people/relations I have that are quite wealthy and have a home/cottage./ski chalet/vacations/much savings  etc….and they protect it viciously (as I probably would have!).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of guilt about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this guilt  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of inferiority  about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this inferiority exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of inferiority  about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this inferiority  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of stupidity about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this feeling of stupidity exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Eerily true.  Often, it is the work of the private mind-those thoughts inside your head no one else hears, an evil invention of God. How true with the case of the terrorist in Norway. I started reading a few newspaper articles this morning about the twisted mind of  Anders Behring Breivik and  it sounded all too familiar. IN HIS OWN MIND it all made perfect sense and was not cruel but necessary to bring about change, a better world. In fact, each and every country-the very fact that there are separate countries/peoples/cultures with lines which keep us separate called ‘boarders’-feel they are correct in protecting their ‘people’ ‘against’ other rouge nations and feel it is their ‘right’ and ‘duty’ to arm themselves but…the world is getting scarier. The world indeed, is getting sicker.

Good intentions, like when I watch volunteers in Haiti, after the earth quake, carrying a young girl whom they had ‘saved’ by amputating her legs, up, up , up, to the top of a very treacherous hill that was her home , and laying her on a bed and watching her sobbing , helpless as they left her there. I think of her often. I don’t think she had a wheelchair but if she did , it would be of little use.

Good intentions, like the Canadian woman in Winnipeg, requesting donations (and receiving alot) for Somalian farmers, whom she had assisted in providing money to get their farms started a number of years ago, but the problem is so great it will be too little too late. On the same newscast, it was reported Somalia needed 1 billion dollars in aid immediately to cope with the famine. A feeling of hopelessness overcame me. Could I afford to send them $100-50-10? Would they, these images of dying children I watched, receive it? Would it help? Would anything change so this never happens again? That would be my ‘intention’.

Good intentions, like the recent uprisings in the middle east.  Take to the streets, risk your life by speaking out publically, arm yourself and use violence to defend yourself in order to force change, bring down the current corrupt dictatorships to bring about a better life for all.  Many people died  with little significant lasting change
resulting.
 
Good intentions, like I had when I participated in planning my parents 50th wedding anniversary.  In my private mind I was full of jealous, angry thoughts about my sister who was hosting the party. Her home was large and plentiful, I could only contribute some pictures on large bristol boards, depicting each decade of my parents marriage .  By the time the event took place, I was so full of rage I got loaded and was dragged to a mental institution  at the end of the party (the police didn’t want me although they tried) .  However, my intention was to present something meaningful for my parents and guests to enjoy. I don’t think this comes to mind when my mother remembers that day.
 
So, what are we to do?  Is it hopeless, should we just exist within self interest because each road leads to ‘hell’?  No, we are together in this world and there is a solution.
At Desteni.co.za we present an equal money system which would change the world from the ground up.  A huge effort that will bring about lasting, effective change and a world based on equality and oneness. Please investigate EqualMoney.org and join us!