Posts Tagged ‘books’

I saw an add recently stating something like; ‘Go away to Jamaca with Dr. Wayne Dyer’ which was some promo to win a trip. It had his picture with palm trees and a beach in the background. I am always amazed at how grateful people are to these celebrities who give away prizes. Do we realize how much money is made from a stunt like that , which is really to promote the sale of his books and seminars?  Dyer can afford to jump on a plane, first class, any day of the year and buy a villa on each of the Bahama Islands if he chooses. The money for such a stunt does not come out of the celebrity’s pocket, all work done and money comes from image companies/publicists etc. Charity stinks. Why doesn’t he purchase a homeless family a mortgage free home? Or get a list of families about to be thrown out of their homes onto the street and pay off their mortgage free and clear? THAT’S real support, compassion, love.  The rest is a carrot and stick with these celebrities laughing all the way to the bank. Is this ok with you, that image? Not suggesting Dyer deserves less just that we all deserve equal.

Anyway, be careful with a book like *The Power of Intention. What appears to be laying the foundation of truth is actually deception. Unfortunately, but for a few of you, you’ll know this soon enough as the information, ideas, philosophy, spirituality presented in this book does not work, did not work for me. What Wayne Dyer sells is hope, which is quite self serving (not intentionally, lol).

Just looking at a few chapter titles here in this blog to give you an example of the nonsense contained in this book.

Chapter 12: It is my Intention to: Attract Ideal People and Divine Relationships

First of all, if we lived in a world where all were supported equally, you would not be temped to purchase a book about attracting ‘ideal people and divine relationships’. The main premise of this chapter is to do so to bring money into your life! He suggests we can bring the ‘right’ people who will ‘move us forward’ in our endeavors and it will result in an ease of income, like he has. So it is motivated by self interest which is forced upon us by the way the world’s money system is set up. Supposedly, if you have this intention it will come by some super power/magic ’cause a higher power/force is on your side, the magic power being an idea in your mind and vision (again your mind).  What kind of a power/universe would agree to such a thing and how in any way is this a divine relationship. It’s just survival pure and simple and survival based on making money, not for the good of all, not for equality. If Mr. Dyer wants to attract divine relationships and teach others to do so he could do something concrete/real here in the physical by looking around and seeing poverty and promoting equal income for all.

Chapter 13:  It is my Intention to:  Optimize My Capacity to Heal and Be Healed

Why do you need an intention? If one realizes our minds/thoughts run rampant and hinder our ability to direct our lives effectively to bring lasting change, simply putting in more thoughts to the already overflowing stew that is our minds, will not sufficiently support us. It just makes you feel like a failure when it does not work because you can’t keep it up and inevitably go back to your old way of thinking.

This is a ridiculous claim; ‘Optimize My Capacity to Heal and Be Healed’ how can one optimize it if one does not know the very starting point of disease? If we as human beings knew how to do this, we would be doing it by now! But in fact we age and die, have accidents and die, get diseases/viruses and die.  We also build killing machines and destroy each other each and everyday! The starting point in the last example is the mind, wars begin and end with thoughts and those thoughts are based around money, gotta get it or gotta keep it and gotta protect it from other nations=my neighbor.

Quite simply a thought/intention, meditation (although helpful) will not be sufficient to effect lasting healing for the patient or the healer. You cannot heal another although one can assist and support in learning how to heal yourself. Our current medical system can assist with symptoms and diet and exercise can assist with putting off disease and aging but not heal. This is the current physical evidence, why fool ourselves, bring hope when hope is nothing but again an idea and not real, it gets people to open their wallets and this is what the author wants. I am not suggesting the author does not also have ‘good intentions’ and want his words to be true and wants to ‘help’ people, I’m sure he does but this does not change the fact that his message is based on hopes and promises and not results that equate real change and improvement  in people’s lives.  He does nothing more than ‘inspire’ ‘encourage’ and create energy in people to get up and ‘get going’. But with no where to go, the energy in people drains/dissipates and they are left with nothing but another book on the shelf, another $30 wasted knowing they contributed to this spiritual guru’s opulent fortune and fortress. He is financially safe, are you?

Investigate:              Desteni.Org           EqualMoney.Org  

Forget intention, lets fix this world for real, time to stand for all equally. Do you want to be part of a group of people who are helping change the world for real?  Join Us!

*The Power of Intention, By Wayne Dyer

Published By: Hay House Inc. February 2004, United States

Well, it’s pretty rad, it actually means no Coach purses OR in time Coach purses for all!  Lol, I say this because I received a flyer in the mail today advertising the latest coach purse. I recall about 18 years ago a very wealthy friend defending her purchase of a $1000.oo coach purse (her therapist had told her to get over her guilt that she was ‘privileged’ and start enjoying life without the burden of guilt-and she has ever since, lol). I was dirt poor at the time but I was suppose to be ‘big’ enough for this financial gap not to bother me, nothin a few drinks couldn’t fix. So, 18 years ago they were making one thousand dollar coach purses, hence the reason I did not bother investigating this flyer further.

My point is, everyone wants quality, coach is a very high quality product so why wouldn’t anyone want a useful, practical product? To live absolute is to supply this for all who have a need for it firstly, then for all who just want one for pleasure. To live absolute would be to delete the brand name, as privately owned for profit company, as why would there be a ‘company’ label on the product, no need because no company.

Certain individuals would make this needed product, from a best for all starting point, so that the product would last ie. 50 years and the product is priced so it is attainable to all who need/want it.  Living absolute would mean the factory workers, who make the purse would be paid an equal wage as all inhabitant of this earth so they have no need to ‘fight’ for higher wages.  They would also live free of a mortgage, rent, utility bills as all necessities would be provided for freely.

Living absolute would mean the factory workers, managers, sales staff, cleaning staff, office staff, etc. would all have equal ‘ownership’ in the purse factory because there would be no ownership! Ownership not required , never was, just one of the many purposefully, confusing economic ‘realities’ of capitalism based on this well documented theory: if you throw enough shit at a wall, some of it will stick.

Can you see the beauty in living absolute?  Less fear results in less illness, results in increased cooperation, results in increased production… Let’s let the snowball of ‘best for all’ roll for awhile.  Another capitalistic lie, there is not enough to go around.

Living absolute mean no separation. So if you are me and I am you, we won’t bother about trying to manipulate

each other by suggesting my purse is better that yours or  I deserve mine and you don’t.  I won’t talk nasty about your purse behind your back because that would be me, using my mind based on  opinions and judgements. Where did I get that opinion? From my mind as a past experience, from what my parents or government told me, or from my mind as learned polarities of good/bad, better/less than, inferior/superior.  To live absolute means to shut down the mind as who and what you are and to live within/from a starting point of always asking ‘what is best for ALL?’ within each and every situation imaginable.’

Is that drastic, severe? Not to me, to me it is drastic to kidnap/hold captive  and repeatedly rape a 4 year old girl, take naked photos of her and videos so other men can jerk off. To me it is severe to starve an innocent little baby for a whole year before it dies, so it only knew suffering and agony for it’s entire ‘life’, when it was totally avoidable/not necessary BUT WE DID NOTHING.

To live absolute means no separation, you are indeed one and equal with all that exists here; humans, animals and the plant kingdom. So your father is my father, there are no separate families or government philosophies, afterall, we are the family of human kind (I use this term with some trepidation).

Why would I judge your purse (as old, unworthy, inferior, better than mine) when I could, just as easily, get one the same or a style that I prefer, if I want/need.  Everything I am saying here would be applied with and within common sense. No one would be allowed 100 coach purses as this would indicate some form of mental confusion and indicate ‘fear’ of lack (using ones mind), that results in the unwarranted act of hoarding.  This would be viewed for what it is , a mental problem that requires correction/assistance.

It may seems silly to use Coach purses as an example of what it means to live absolute but seems just as silly  as any other example to me.  Afterall, coach purses for all, truly would be heaven on earth darling!

It will be interesting to see how human beings treat each other in the probable event that the world’s financial markets do indeed, collapse.  Will they panic and pick up weapons to defend what little they have left?  Will they band together to help their neighbor? There will be much fear and chaos, that is for sure. What would I do?  What does it mean?

I don’t know all it means but I’m going to guess it would mean most-if not all-who have money invested in the stock market or bonds etc. will lose their money, the value of your home would diminish to the point of loss (you owe more than it is worth),  you lose your job, pensions would be lost.  The elite will try to control the many by insisting the world can be re-built on capitalism again but the people will have lost ‘hope’. Good, we will live without it.

So to ‘survive’ this financial collapse will not be a matter of keeping the ‘assets’ and money you have or ‘getting back’ what you have lost. To survive this you must let go of your ideas about assets/property ownership/social classes/hierarchy/ special or privileged groups of people on this planet. We will have to finally (after being forced by losing everything) embrace what Jesus said, ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’ or vanish as a race by ensuing panic leading to war/famine/disease from our food and water.

To survive this financial collapse will take great courage and honestly, self-honesty.   Each person will have to face himself/herself self honestly, looking at where the current financial system of the world, capitalism, led us and if we really want to create that again and why.

I heard an analogy the other day, that the world was like a big monopoly board and we’re just playing ‘life’ as game.  The winners are clear now, the elite, so ok you won, you’ve got all the property, resources, toys and vacations, all the pleasure, all the pie. The rest of of lost, ok. Lets stop this game and wipe the board clean. We’ll have a break and write some new rules. This time we’ll change the rules.

I would suggest, do not vacate your home or apartment because the banks tell you to. I would not leave unless they picked me up and carried me out. I would have no where, like many, to go. I will stock pile some food, lots of water, matches, batteries and other of the typical survival kit necessities. Will it be used, who knows?

But…most importantly, I will work toward re-building a new system, a new world, which will be based on best for all principals and not who can ‘win’ at the game of life here on earth. I don’t care who can win and I will not accept and allow  a new, ‘improved’ capitalistic system to emerge from the wreckage of a financial collapse. The new world will be based on equality, in fact and not based on charity. All will live as one and equal in harmony with all life, as in nature and the animals. Separation will reign no more, there will be stillness of mind and a real/true peace on earth. Heaven on earth.

Who the hell am I to make such preposterous statements? I am one being here, who is standing up and saying ‘no more’. I am standing up with a group of people at Desteni.Org and we are proposing an Equal Money System for our planet so greed never rules as our god , ever again. If some of this rings true for you, please investigate EqualMoney.Org and join us!

January 2011

2011 – First Blog: My Process at Deteni

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/06/first-blog-my-process-at-desteni-journal-jan-411/

2011 – my process…SHUT UP

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/my-process-shut-up/

2011 – Loser and Gossip

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/10/loser-and-gossip/

2011 – Humiliation and the Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/humiliation-and-the-money-system/

2011 – Good Intentions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/good-intentions/

2011 – How I am not real…I change moment to moment

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/how-i-am-not-real-i-change-moment-to-moment/

2011 – My master fear shouts ‘hurry up’

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/14/my-master-fear-shouts-hurry-up/

2011 – hate and murder…it’s right there inside of me

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/hate-and-murder-its-right-there-inside-of-me/

2011 – News:  Horrible images of the dead but I am numb

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/news-horrible-images-of-the-dead-but-i-am-numb/

2011 – Egomania

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/egomania/

2011 – Fear of Standing Up

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/fear-of-standing-up/

2011 – A Disaplined Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/a-disciplined-life/

2011 – The Existing Money System and Debt

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/the-existing-money-system-and-debt/

February 2011

2011 – Fear of Attack:  My Process with Desteni

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/05/fear-of-attack-my-process-with-desteni/

2011 – My Friend Pika:  Process, A First

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/my-friend-pika-process-a-first/

2011 – I Am One Vote For World Equality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/08/i-am-one-vote-for-world-equality/

2011 – Self Trust & Common Sense

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/12/self-trust-common-sence/

2011 – Joy

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/joy/

2011 – Sugar Addiction

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/sugar-addiction/

2011 – Starting to Experience Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/23/starting-to-experience-life/

2011 – Why on Earth-lyrics

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/27/why-on-earth-by-sandy-jones-and-peter-linesman/

March 2011

2011 – Dropping the Ball and Chain

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/04/dropping-the-ball-and-chain/

2011 – Exploiting Cheap Labor: Does Ignorant = Innocent?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/08/exploiting-cheap-labour-does-ignorant-innocent/

2011 – Comparison; Woman Against Woman

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/10/comparison-woman-against-woman/

2011 – Process: Changes

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/14/process-changes/

April 2011

2011 – Process: Facing my Fears…uh oh…Huge Step Back

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – I Fear Smoking: Self Forgiveness

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – I Fear Losing Money:  Self Forgiveness

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – Are We Not ALL Princes Among Men?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/are-we-all-not-princes-among-men/

May 2011

2011 – Al-Queda Recruits: What am I  Missing Here?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/al-queda-recruits-what-am-i-missing-here/

2011 – My Experience with the Real Estate Career Scam

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/my-experience-with-the-real-estate-career-sham/

2011 – Canadian Election Shocker:  Hope for future equality…in the future

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/canadian-election-surprise-hope-for-future-equality-in-the-future/

2011 – Why didn’t I take my Kids to Cool ‘Singalong’ Classes when They were Young?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/14/why-didnt-i-take-my-kids-to-cool-singalong-classes-when-they-were-young/

2011 – I Hate My Husband;   Anger/Blame

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/i-hate-my-husband-angerblame/

2011 – The End is Here, yes the end of BS with an Equal Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/21/the-end-is-here-yes-the-end-of-bs-with-an-equal-money-system/

2011 – Banking: Price Increases…Insatiable Greed

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/banking-price-increases-no-one-asked-me/

2011 – Sport:  Competition Destroys the Self Esteem of the large majority of our Children

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/sport-competition-destroys-the-self-esteem-of-large-majority-of-our-children/

2011 – Music:  Beyonce Is A Bully

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/music-beyonce-is-a-bully/

June 2011

2011 – Why Sex Sells

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/why-sex-sells/

2011 – Mind Control – Cult – Beware !

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/mind-control-cult-beware/

2011 – MultiNational Greed and the Ugly Result

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/11/multinational-greed-and-the-ugly-result/

2011 – Causes of Poverty-Shocking Worldwide Statistics

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/causes-of-poverty-worldwide-statistics-shocking/

2011 – Vanity & Me:  Self Forgiveness on the Beauty System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/24/vanity-me-process-self-forgiveness-on-the-beauty-system/

2011 – Realizations!  Fear of Aging

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/25/realizations-fear-of-aging/

July 2011

2011 – Why I Stand for Equal Money and World Equality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/why-i-stand-for-equal-money-and-world-equality/

2011 – Emotions and Re-defining ‘Beauty’

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/02/emotions-and-re-defining-beauty/

2011 – Where ‘God’ led me:  An Exurpt from a Case Study on Alcoholism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/where-god-led-me-an-exurpt-from-a-casestudyblog-on-alcoholism/

2011 – Loss:  What I now realize.  What I will now accept and what I will not accept.

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/loss-what-i-now-realize-what-i-will-and-will-not-accept-and-allow/

2011 – The Road To Hell is Paved With Good Intentions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/the-road-to-hell-is-paved-with-good-intentions/

2011 – Quantum Self Realizations

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/quantum-self-realizations/

August 2011

2011 – Jealousy:  My Sister got the Family Cottage

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/15/jealousy-my-sister-got-the-family-cottage/

2011 – Regret:  The talk with my Dad

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/16/regret-the-talk-with-my-dad/

2011 – Trigger Points:  Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/trigger-points-self-forgiveness-and-corrective-statement/

2011 – Life as Survival of the Fittest Versus Life in an Equal Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/life-as-survival-of-the-fittest-versus-life-within-an-equal-money-system/

2011 – Equal Money is Not Communism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/equal-money-is-not-communism/

Septmeber 2011 

2011 – What Happens when I Accept an Idea of ‘God’?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/06/what-happens-when-i-accept-an-idea-of-god/

2011 – Experiences Keep Us Stuck

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/experiences-keep-us-stuck/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Self Sabotage:  The point of Inferiority

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/21/self-forgiveness-self-sabotage-the-point-of-inferiority/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Self Sabotage:  Assumptions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/self-forgiveness-self-sabotage-assumptions/

2011 – Self Forgiveness Book:  Childhood:  Thought Patterns

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/self-forgiveness-book-childhoodthought-patterns/

October  2011

2011 – Childhood Patterns:  Inhibitions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/childhood-patterns-inhibition/

2011 – Poverty & Pregnancy

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/poverty-and-pregnancy/

2011 – Childhood Memories:  Humiliation

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/08/childhood-memories-humiliation/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Childhood Memories:  Submissive Women

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/14/sf-childhood-memories-submissive-women/

2011- Unplanned Pregnancy & Equal Money

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/16/unplannedunwanted-pregnancy-and-equal-money/

2011 – FAQ:  Will Indigenous People Preserve their ‘Rights’ to live Outside the System?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/25/will-indigenous-people-preserve-their-rights-to-live-outside-of-the-system/

2011 – FAQ Equal Money:  Will I have to Wait in Line for Bread?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/27/faq-equal-money-will-i-have-to-wait-in-line-for-bread/

2011 – The Future of Money 2012:  Will There Be Banks in an Equal Money System?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/the-future-of-money-2012-will-there-be-banks-in-an-equal-money-system/

November 2011

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Childhood:  Thought Patterns:  Fear of Men

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/self-forgiveness-on-childhood-fear-of-men-thought-patterns/

2011 – Process:  Letting Go of my Relationship Personality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/process-letting-go-of-my-relationship-personality/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  Boyfriends

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/self-forgiveness-boyfriends-thought-patterns/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  High School Girlfriends

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/self-forgiveness-high-school-girlfriends/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:   Family-In-Laws

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/13/sf-thought-patterns-family-in-laws/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  My Father’s Drinking

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/self-forgiveness-childhood-memories-thought-patterns-my-fathers-drinking/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal money System:  Are you just going to print cash?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-are-you-going-to-just-print-cash/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System:  Will there be Euthanasia?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-will-there-be-euthanasia/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  BIG (Basic Income Grant)

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-2020-basic-income-grant/

2011 – Process:  Fantasies of Older Men: Realizations and Self Corrective Statements

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/27/so-many-men-so-little-time-realizations-and-self-corrective-statements-re-fantasies/

December 2011

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  Teen/Young Adult

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/memories-thought-patterns-self-forgiveness/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No more cheap glasses that ruin your eyes!

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/faq-equal-money-system-2020-no-more-cheap-glasses-that-ruin-your-eyes/

2011 – FAQ:  The End of Weapons Production with Equal Money

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/faq-the-end-of-weapons-production-with-equal-money/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No More OWS (Occupy Wall Street)

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/faq-equal-money-system-2020-no-more-owsoccupy-wall-street/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  Free World Travel

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/faq-equal-money-system-2020-free-world-travel/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No more Deepak Chopra

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/13/faq-equal-money-system-2020no-more-deepak-chopra/

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Use of Sleep Aids

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/24/self-forgiveness-on-use-of-sleep-aids/

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Alcoholism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/30/self-forgiveness-on-alcoholism/

January 2012

2012 – Self Forgiveness on ‘Happy” Childhood Memories

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/self-forgiveness-on-happy-childhood-memories/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Last Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/self-forgiveness-as-last-life/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Another:  The Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/self-forgiveness-as-another-the-money-system/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Another:  Parents, siblings, world systems, other

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/2011-self-forgiveness-as-another-parents-siblings-world-systems-other/

2012 – Self Forgiveness:  Karma

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/self-forgiveness-karma/

2012 – Self Forgiveness on Magic:  The Role of Time

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/self-forgiveness-on-magic-the-role-of-time/

2012 – 2012 Why I Could Hear the Desteni Message

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/2012-why-i-could-hear-the-desteni-message/

2012 – 2012 Is it more than a Prediction? Is it the End?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/2012-is-it-more-than-a-prediction-is-it-the-end/

2012 – 2012 Are you truly Alone? Where is the Savior?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/24/2012-are-you-truly-alone-where-is-the-savior/

2012 – 2012: Facing the Religion of Self

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/2012-facing-the-religion-of-self/

February 2012

2012 – 2012: What Does it Mean to Live Absolute?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/2012-what-does-it-mean-to-live-absolute/

2012 – 2012:  Will You Survive the Financial Collapse?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/2012-will-you-survive-the-financial-collapse/

2012 – Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth:  Did I take that seriously?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/2012-eckhart-tolles-new-earth-did-i-take-that-seriously/

2012 – History of the Interdimentional Portal

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/history-of-the-interdimentional-porta/

March 2012

2012 – Wayne Dyer’s ‘Power of Intention’ What Purpose Does it Serve?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/2012-wayne-dyers-the-power-of-intention-what-purpose-does-it-serve/

2012 – Economics: Ownership: The Lie that Kills

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/05/economics-ownership-the-lie-that-kills/

2012 – Secrets of Masturbation: Why even talk about it? Isn’t anything private anymore?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/secrets-of-masturbation-why-even-talk-about-this-isnt-anything-private-anymore/

2012 – ‘A Course in Miracles’ :  The miracle did nothing to improve my life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/2012-a-course-in-miracles-the-miracle-did-not-improve-my-life/

2012 – Voices in the Mind are Deception Not a Higher Power

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/voices-in-the-mind-are-deception-not-a-higher-power/

April 2012

2012 – W. Dyer:  Looking at “The Power Of Intention”

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/w-dyer-looking-at-the-power-of-intention/

2012 – Re-defining Education:  Social Develpment 1 to 6 months

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/re-education-social-development-1-to-6-months/

2012 – Healing Resentment: I’m So Pissed at My Husband!

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/healing-resentment-im-so-pissed-at-my-husband/

2012 – Sandy’s Journey To Life:  Day 1:  Resistance

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/sandys-journey-to-life-day-1-resistance/

2012 – Sandy’s Journey To Life:  Day 2:  Failed Relationships

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/sandys-journey-to-life-day-2-failed-relationships/

May 2012

2012 – Day 3:  I Hate that Rich Bitch:  Facing Jealousy, Regret, Spite

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/05/07/day-3-i-hate-that-rich-bitch-jealousy-regret-spite/

2012   Day 4: Failed Relationships: Facing My Father

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/day-4-failed-relationships-beginning-facing-my-father/

2012 – Day 5: Failed Relationships: Facing my Father 2

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/13/day-5-failed-relationships-facing-my-father-2/

2012 – Day 6: Failed Realtionships: My Mom: Being Bitchy to Store Clerks and My Partner

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/day-6-failed-relationships-my-mom/

2012 – Day 7: Facing my Father 3 : Little Girls are Inferior

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/day-7-facing-my-father-3-little-girls-are-inferior/

2012 – Day 8:  Failed Relationships: Rushing

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/23/day-8-failed-relationships-rushing/

2012 – Day 9: Personality Patterns: I Am Mom

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/26/day-9-personality-patterns-i-am-mom/

2012 – Day 10: Personality Patterns: I Am Mom the Protector

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/28/day-10-my-mom-personality-cont/

June 2012

2012 – Day 11: Mom as the possession of Worry

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/day-11-personalities-mom-as-the-possession-of-worry/

2012 – Day 12: Me as Mom: Summer Camp for the Rich

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/day-12-me-as-mom-summer-camp-for-the-rich/

2012 – Day 13: Facing Me as Mom: The Wicked Wealthy Ski Chalet

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/09/day-13-facing-personalities-mom-exclusive-ski-chalet/

There are two main reasons why I could hear the Desteni message.

First, there were many things I suppressed from childhood and young adulthood that Desteni spoke about in a common sense way that I found to be validating and awakened my, long since abandoned, sense of  self-trust.  Why do we blatantly ignore the suffering and death of so many millions of helpless children and obviously vulnerable people in our world?  Why do we not change our systems of economy and distribution of food and goods and services so this is corrected?  Why do we throw our hands in the air and say it is impossible to feed/take care of each other as one family? Why do people get pissed off when I try to talk about it? Why do we not see the evil of capitalism? Why do we spend trillions of dollars on an arms race that can never be ‘won’?  Why is ‘God’ unfair? Why do we die? Why is it not ‘right’ to question ‘God’?  Does God want children born with cerebral palsy? Why should I think/accept this is a loving God? Who’s God is ‘right’?   Why don’t the people who live with extreme abundance share with others the have nothing  and say one should learn and earn, yet they pass down this wealth from generation to generation-through a bull shit excuse called ‘birthright’?  Why don’t we change the rules to what is best for all ? I could go on and on and on.

Desteni does not manipulate and discuss these and several other issues with a silver tongue or kid gloves, neither in self interest. This group tackles these ‘difficult’ issue head on, no mincing of words. I appreciated that right away and felt empowered because I wanted answers to the devastation I saw in my world. Desteni does not offer information without a solution, I appreciated that too.  Desteni advocates for an Equal Money System to be implemented in our world.  Equality, real equality. Ok, I thought, I’ll keep reading and listening to these video interviews. Some of the interviews were done through a portal. The reason I had no problem with the portal, after I watched a few and accepted they were valid, is my second reason I could hear the Desteni message, which I will discuss shortly.

I watched the Jesus interviews and Audrey Hepburn interviews first. I have not reviewed them for awhile but what sticks with me is they were both consistent with the main message.  They both spoke about self responsibility and that human beings had ‘missed the mark’ regarding what is important in life-we have life ‘upside down’. Basically, that each person is responsible for the mess we have created here on earth, as a whole, and that each and every one must face themselves, see/be aware of self, apply self forgiveness and walk the self corrective path in each moment of each breath, if we are to make the changes necessary to survive.

Jesus said we are all the same, including himself, although he came to earth with a knowing and understanding and ‘seeing’ ability that we do not have, at this time . Unfortunately, his simple message of ‘love they neighbor as thyself’ and ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ has not been heeded.  Now that all made sense to me. Audrey Hepburn drove home for me that, I too, am guilty, by participation and acceptance, of all the worlds current problems. I wanted to point fingers, still do, and blame and hate and be angry but as I learn to stand as one as all as equal this does not make sense and must be stopped, within myself first, that is my responsibility.

The second reason I listened to Desteni was I had experienced problems with my mind. I had experienced/heard voices in my head and listened to them until I was quite insane. I could not sleep and was barely able to function. I medicated myself with alcohol but then became an alcoholic. These voices seemed to ‘know’ things that were impossible and predicted things that quickly came true, several unexplainable things occurred to me over the years, the voices/communication terrified me at night so I also took sleep medication. I was able to ‘pull my self back together’ over a number of years so I was, once again, a  fully functional human being but subsequently questioned the sanity of ‘believing in/worshiping/trusting’ a creator that could produce such a fuck up. It was not that ‘difficult’ to become broken after all, it was not such extreme behavior that led to my ‘sickness’. I had obsessed, gone into, delved into my mind too deeply is all. Not suggesting that is the proper thing to do, of course it is not, but I thought no wonder so many people are mentally ill!  And so many people sadly kill themselves when hearing voices. So tragic and unecessary. I stopped the voices by simply stopping my mind=I did not listen to thoughts!  The booze helped tremendously ( sober 8 years now) and then belief in a ‘higher power’=spiritualism but mostly I did not listen to my mind and engage in the act of ‘thinking’ and it literally stopped the insanity. This occurred slowly over several years. But then, the question, ‘ what and why had this happened to me?’

I never went the medical-traditional route. They have little understanding of the mind. Thank god I didn’t. I would have been labled schizophrenic and given pills. I understand I self medicated. And I’m sure years of therapy with people who do not know about the mind!  They would try to ‘figure it out’ my mind/the mind.  I would have felt humiliated and ‘less than’. Desteni has make me  realize I am whole now, I need not ‘ascend’ any spiritual steps, I need not listen to or ‘figure out’ my mind.

So when I found the Desteni site I soon discovered they spoke about and explained the mind!  What a huge relief to me to find out I wasn’t crazy and wasn’t broken or I hadn’t crossed some spiritual line that was sacred. I was completely validated in that the mind is a program and everything in existence is in me already. Desteni has shown me that I had accessed -by mistake- thoughts that have been programmed into me and that it is not my ‘fault’ but it is my responsibility to stop the mind as it is not ‘life’ and is in fact what has caused all the fuck ups in this world through participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions. I do not need to be a slave to my ‘personality’ or my pre-programmed life, that is not who I am.

I am life ‘here’ in this moment of breath and I am learning to live this way. It is a process that is challenging but giving my life meaning beyond anything I ever imagined. I am becoming free of what I thought I was slave to: society, religion, being a woman in a man’s world, feeling alone in what I considered an insane world, fear of death, fear of poverty-or more accurately being middle class slave, addiction, fear of standing up/speaking up, fear of life, fear of myself-not being able to trust myself .

I trust myself more and more. Desteni has given me this, invaluable!

Thank you Desteni. I stand with you. I am one vote for an Equal Money System and World Equality!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the system of karma, as consequence, exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have karma exist within and as me manifesting as knee pain/problems in my left knee and somewhat in my right knee as carrying the past of relationships with boyfriends and my ex-husband. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have karma exist within and as me manifesting as knee pain/problems in my left knee and somewhat in my right knee as carrying the past of relationships with family members and friends, employers, acquaintances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that karma exists and I must manifest consequence within my world as my ‘experiences’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I must face my karma at the point of death, as in spiritual ascension-to ‘go to the next level of enlightenment’- instead of facing  the consequence of my actions responsibly ‘here’ in each moment, which is common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can achieve some certain ‘vibration’ level so that I magically do not have to face my karma self honestly, in each ‘moment’ ‘here’ on earth, in a responsible way that is best for all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself in self honestly and face my fears as to why I ‘hide’ and not ‘look’ at what I have created in the moment as karma as consequence in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a savior/magic/god/master/husband/boss to do the dirty work for me, ‘fix’ me, so that I do not have to face myself, in self honesty, face my fears head on without hiding/in full view, face my karma all alone, so it is ‘easy’ and I can continue hiding, resulting in me forever being subject to a master/slave relationship, bound in dependency and so not living self honestly as one and equal to all other human beings and existence in it’s entirety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to believe I am too tired, frightened, weak, small, stupid, old to face my karma by myself and to eliminate this system in each moment ‘here’, as I birth myself as life in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to believe I am ‘special’, important, different, deserving, more ‘enlightened’ than others, divine, because of acquired knowledge and information ,when in self honesty I am only lost in ‘delusions of grandeur’ believing I am now no longer subject to ‘The Law of Karma’ in each moment of creation as life ‘here’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear for my children and husband thinking , ‘I need to ‘save’ them because they do not know about living in self honestly ‘here’ in each moment with breath and must face their consequence as karma and manifest that consequence’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in not trusting my process and trusting that I am a living example to my children and husband and ‘telling’ them /badgering them about the Desteni I Process only pushes them away. Instead I accept and allow myself to be patient with my  process of self realization and self awareness and through ‘standing’ in each moment in self honesty, be a living example to all human beings, in equality and not in separation as in ‘specialness’ of family system existent on earth at this time.

My current  understanding is I have made an agreement, a self/soul agreement, participating in this agreement in more and more awareness each day, as I particpate in various ways with Desteni and the Desteni I Process course. I accept the end of my personality as ‘Sandy’ (like the name, think I’ll keep it) knowing it is a process I am walking in each moment and I accept and allow myself to be patient with myself as it will take time. I have always had life questions that  ‘bugged me’ more and more as I ‘aged’. These questions are being answered, to my astonishment and amazement in ways I could never have guessed/comprehended/’hoped’ for through my daily participation with Desteni and the Desteni I Process Course.

I do not feel overly sentimental about this world, so I say goodbye to things like ownership , money, ‘society’, education, capitalism, consumerism, classism, race, cultures, religion, government, even the isolation and specialness of family systems (I don’t care about mine less but care about all-one human family- equally, how beautiful is that!).

I live within these systems now and I am not suggesting it will be ‘easy’ or without ‘pain’ to go through the breakdown of myself and my world as I know it. I do not know all it means to forgive my life as my last life. But something to consider, which I always thought human’s were kind of stupid for not considering, is; where is it you think you are going? Oh ya, death, all of us. This is simply facing the boogeyman sooner than later. Does that scare you, it scares me but like the little sweetie in the photo says, ‘Bring It‘. Let’s do this.

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What the fuck am I? Why is my world so goddamn nasty, why am I accepting and allowing it?

I am indeed a character in a story. The story is circular, it has a beginning and an end. The story began November 29, 1960.

How Do I see myself : my personality?  I will write out ideas I have created as myself which exist as the mind:

youngest of 4, little, little Sandy, pretty, small, quiet, sweet, no trouble in fact you can even not notice=ignore her/overlook her she is so ‘shy’, somewhat of a wallflower, ‘she doesn’t say much but she’s cute’ an extra piece of furniture in an already overstuffed house, no room for her

average:   looking, average intelligence, average talent, average ability in all things—-because average and not really noticed even when tried really hard this led to not trying so hard, some depression, laziness, apathy, need for excitment external

I see myself, especially when I was younger, as someone who was given notice/time/attention by only really kind people. I appreciated this attention and added this into my personality=nice, kind, considerate, champion of the ‘fallen’/oddball/unnoticed/handicapped/unbeautiful.

Some years ago my, then, sister-in-law said she thought I was powerful but not strong. Interesting, all this dichotomy to keep me fucked up and stuck!  This description is assisting me in facing myself as the dichotomy (as I saw my father, Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hyde) I am today and have been most of my life:

the person, young girl , described above and …

the person who speaks her /the truth no matter what, ‘blurts it out without thinking’ apparently to many men who have known me ‘well’, straight forward, little to much edge=mean sounding, so guilt and confusion in the division /spit of personalily. One is weak= obsessed men and then went crazy because too much isolation /going in the mind and independent so didn’t tell anyone of ‘problem’ so self medicated and became alcoholic . So is that ‘weak’?-yes. Is that strong?-yes. I did not kill myself , said ‘fuck you too’ to what was not understandable (voices, things moving, magic in several ways) and wanted to scare the crap out of me.

business woman, smart, sexy, dependable, hard-working, determined, resourceful, must have what I want immediately alcoholic later=unable to delay gratification, dig heels in and do whatever it takes

needy , insecure, jealous of women I thought were better looking/more sexy/more funny/more talented/more of something, yet I thought of myself as a good friend to women, ‘I love my women friends’ ‘I am kind to all people’ but secretly hated many other women I considered ‘winners’=a threat or men who I thought would not like/notice me or people who had more money than me.

someone who cares about all life: people, animals, nature

innocent, deserving, loyal, sweet, I am the wronged one, judgemental

slave, maid, ugly/plain without make-up, sex slave,

alluring, sexy, talented, musical, fun,

poor single mom

big picture person, different, not fit in society

not one to accept being less than without a fight,

the fighter who tries hard but loses, doesn’t win athletic race, musical race, marriage race, money race-but keeps running/trying because you should and later I thought God/higher power wanted me to. Meaning of life= do you best.

However… take away the ‘glow’ of alcohol and reality did not look so great and I questioned and did not accept bull shit I saw/see all around me.

Someone who is percarious/somewhat brave/risk taker/somewhat thrill seeker/ thought I was entitled to question existance (except for say 5-10 years of my life when very sick with alcohol and then in AA-accepted a ‘higher power’.)

Who’s designed this? Who decided some are rich and some poor, as the family you are born into? Why is childbirth agony, that’s bullshit!

It is my understanding I choose the family I was born into from a group of families, the story of my life is imprinted within my DNA, my personality is pre-determined, as is my life. I have always believed I was limited and separate from others and all in my world, fuck that. I am ready and willing to let this go. Let’s continue . Note: I am 50 years old so trying to be thorough.

Not a natural beauty but fashionable and quite ‘cool’ look and sytle when I ‘try’=externals hair, make-up, clothes. Middle/Upper middle class. Not snobby but particular. Giving, caring of less fortunate, give some money and time to ‘charity’ newcomers in AA (alcoholics anonymous).  A homeowner, good mother, baker, enjoys staying home but still sexy in an apron, lol.

A skiier, somewhat athletic, rollerblader, always slim, attractive and healthy (lol even when I pounded back a pack of smokes at the bar).

A winner and go-getter, business woman, competent in 20’s. Somewhat a leader but did not want the role, said no to few management position offers-thought I was probably too lazy and often late to work, not good idea for me.  somewhat know it all, like to tell others my ‘opinion’ ie. how to eat ’cause I knew better.

30’s marriage ended: Less-than, loser, pathetic, needy, failure. Broken/not whole like other humans after ‘lost my mind’. frumpy housewife, alone, a pain-in-the-ass to husands lol, impatient, nag, drive husbands crazy with ‘extreme’ ideas/opinions different from most in the world.

funny, whitty, creative, inventive, poetic/romantic, spiritual (yuk, pleah) somewhat religious-higher power thing, seeking recognition through songwriting so insecure, fun loving, love dancing, sex, singing, food.

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OMG almost done: Note: may be some repeats

How Do I see myself,  my personality?  I will write out ideas I have created as myself which exist as the mind:

with my animals: cuddly, loving, caring, playful, take good care of, warm, and someone who does not abuse these wonderful animals but is aware I don’t own them but I have the privilage of being their protector/provider in this life.

with family and friends around birthdays and celebrations: remember dates and call or send cards give appropriate gift, don’t ‘over do it’, considerate, make homemade cards, enjoy these occasions, like receiving and giving on these occasions, enjoy making a ‘good’ presentation with dinners, cakes, presents wrapped, cards, enjoy attending these celebrations, get annoyed at ‘friends’ who buy expensive gifts and then I can’t ‘keep up’ and feel guilty or assume they think I am less caring /cheap, judge people who over-give as inconsiderate to how I feel, judge them as assholes.

as a parent: careful to not harm emotionally or physically, respectful, use common sense well, considerate, afraid of rejection so ‘suck up’ to them, can be condesending and then feel guilty, think I know more because of older/age= wisdom and sometimes give advice when not appropriate = they havn’t asked (appropriate at times, when they were young children), good teacher, sacrificing time and money, martryish at times, careful to never ‘name call’/put down, fearful of them getting killed or hurt emotionally or physically by others, somewhat obsessive, protective, dedicated, loyal, will defend ‘stick up for them’.

work/school: afraid of learning new things ie. on computer so will procrastinate, will over think/analyze/do a process, try to be thorough, slow because too much detail, think I am someone who is slow and confused and not as smart as another, will see myself as someone who can do a little and then need a nap/rest/get tired easily, ‘think’ about how much I have to do and how behind I am and then sleep to escape. *in a rush, move with haste as always believe I am behind, not enough time, in a hurry (going where? lol), need help, ask for help.

as wife: over think situation, worry a lot of abandonment, fear of failure, not good enough=pretty enough, exciting enough, successful enough for husband to ‘stick with me’. demanding, somewhat nag, boring.

around the house: singsongy (lol, my kids mentioned about a year ago I always sing around the house and I said ‘no I don’t, then noticed=became aware, I do all the time!) make up little melodies and ‘sayings’ about the animals ie. ‘little Pika Jones, little Pika Jones…’ when the cats meow, I meow back at them and cuddle them, so light hearted and silly. use lots of endearments for kids, animals, and children I ‘nanny’ (after/before school care program in my home) sweetie, honey-bunny, monkey nuts. I can get annoying with it so rein it in sometimes but generally mean it in a loving way/affectionate way. can feel very heavy/tired doing ‘boring’ chores like laundry. *Note: completely changes when I don’t use my mind and move ‘here’ with breath, the chore then becomes light and quick and effortless!

within family discussions: can become over excited, exaggerate a point, judge a point/person, become frustrated and angry if family does not understand/agree with my ‘argument’/ point. Then I feel frightened they will reject me and guilt sets in and I apologize and feel embarrassed and sheepish/I did it again.

*********************************************************

Note: I will say all of what is written below outloud, bringing it from 2 dimension to 3 dimension.

I no longer accept and allow myself to see myself as  these ‘qualities’ which add up to my personality throughout my lifetime.  I no longer accept and allow myself to see myself as a story, the story of Sandy with a beginning and an end, in which I am separate from all other life, an island, and limited to and within this personality, destined to forever/within the design of infinity  go round and round re-living this basically same story.

I accept and allow myself to put a stop to this now and to face my soul as myself.  I accept and allow myself to now be in a new agreement to live in self honesty in each moment of each breath, remaining ‘here’ and expressing who I really am ‘here’ as one and equal to all life, indeed one and equal to all in existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree to be a character in a story=a soul. The story is circular, it has a beginning and an end. The story began November 29, 1960. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a /have a soul. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am apparently here to learn ‘lessons’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is a ‘higher power’ who loves me and desires me to grow=ascend through these life lessons (we ‘lessen’ the opposite of ascend) to reach some spiritual height within the white light of ‘heaven’ a place of perfection. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘buy’ into /believe that it is apparently ‘right’ that I should wait for self perfection instead of trusting myself when I often thought this sounded like a silly fairy tale. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not trusting myself in thinking, it does not seem right to me so many suffer horribly, the ‘lessons’ seem unfair for some more than others.’   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to not trust myself that re-incarnation seems useless as we don’t even remember the last life so how do you really ‘learn’ the lesson? If we then get an easier life, next time around,  that is a nasty game some creator is playing and it is cruel and bullshit.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Oh well, there is nothing I can do about , I am helpless, so I will try and be grateful’, and live in self interest as I saw all around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a self/soul agreement which was my pre-programmed life as DNA= my resonances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as the youngest of 4, little, little Sandy, pretty, small, quiet, sweet, no trouble in fact you can even not notice=ignore her/overlook her she is so ‘shy’, somewhat of a wallflower, ‘she doesn’t say much but she’s cute’ an extra piece of furniture in an already overstuffed house, there is not much room for her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as average: average looking, average intelligence, average talent, average ability in all things- not really noticed even when I tried really hard, this lead to not trying so hard, some depression, laziness, apathy, need for excitment external.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who was given notice/time/attention by only really kind people I appreciated it and added this into my personality=nice, kind, considerate, champion of the ‘fallen’/oddball/unnoticed/handicapped/unbeautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is powerful but not strong. Interesting, all this dichotomy to keep me fucked up and stuck!  I saw my father as a Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hyde personality and I am today and have been most of my life a dichotomy: health freak-alcoholic, runner-smoker, bit of show off dress up sexy-frumpy housewife in sweat pants, ugly no make-up-sexy made up, strong-weak, somewhat wealthy-poor single mom, elated-depressed, physically powerful-fear death, fiercely independent-needy and insecure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a person who speaks her /the truth no matter what, ‘blurts it out without thinking’ apparently, to many men who have known me ‘well’, straight forward, little to much edge=mean sounding, so a person who second guesses herself often/daily, who feels tremendous guilt and confusion in the division /spit of personality. One is weak= didn’t say the ‘right’ thing to parent, friend, husband and carries the heavy burden of guilt everywhere. Someone who can’t sleep if a parent, husband, child is late and obsesses they are hurt/dead. Someone who obsesses men and then went crazy because too much isolation /going in the mind but independent so didn’t tell anyone of ‘problem’ so self medicated and became alcoholic . Someone who thus self sabatoges at every turn, so builds a life and then tears it down, build, tear down. (I see this in my thoughts today with my second husband, so grateful to Desteni, I am able to be aware and so stop this self destructive thinking/pattern!)  So is that ‘weak’-yes. is that ‘strong’-yes. I did not kill myself , said ‘fuck you too’ to what was not understandable (voices, things moving, magic in several ways) and wanted to scare the crap out of me. I see myself as both.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a business woman, smart, sexy, dependable, hard-working, determined, resourceful, must have what I want immediately alcoholic later=unable to delay gratification, dig heels in and do whatever it takes to win/succeed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as  someone who is needy , insecure, jealous of women I thought were better looking/more sexy/more funny/more talented/more of something, yet I thought of myself as a good friend to women, ‘I love my women friends’ ‘I am kind to all people’ but secretly hated many other women I considered ‘winners’=a threat or men who I thought would not like/notice me or families/people that had more money than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone someone who cares about all life: people, animals, nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is innocent, deserving, loyal, sweet, I am the wronged one, judgmental, also a  slave, maid, ugly/plain without make-up, sex slave yet also alluring, sexy, talented, musical, fun.

I forgive myself for seeing myself as a poor single mom, someone who needs financial help and handouts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who made a few very bad decisions in life and is now ‘fucked’ therefore ‘wronged’ and trapped financially, hopeless, helpless, with no way out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a big picture person, different, not fit in society, not one to accept being less than without a fight, the fighter who tries hard but loses, doesn’t win athletic race, musical race, marriage race, money race-but keeps running/trying because you should and later I thought God/higher power wanted me to. meaning of life= do you best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who does not accept the bull shit I see all around me. Someone who is precarious/somewhat brave/risk taker/somewhat thrill seeker/ thought I was entitled to question existence (except for say 5-10 years of my life when very sick with alcohol and then AA-accepted the existance of a ‘higher power’.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is not a natural born beauty but fashionable and has quite a ‘cool’ look and sytle when I ‘try’=externals hair, make-up, clothes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is middle/upper middle class.  Not snobby but particular, someone who is generous, giving, caring of less fortunate, gladly giving some money and time to ‘charity’ and newcomers in AA.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a homeowner, good mother, baker, enjoys staying home but still sexy in an apron, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a skiier, somewhat athletic, a rollerblader, someone who is always slim, attractive and healthy (lol even when I pounded back a pack of smokes at the bar).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a winner and go-getter, business woman, competent. Someone who is somewhat a leader but did not want the role, said no to few management position offers-thought I was probably too lazy and often late to work, not good idea for me.  Somewhat know it all, like to tell others my ‘opinion’ ie. how to eat ’cause I knew better, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is less-than, Loser, pathetic, needy, a failure. Broken/not whole like other humans after ‘lost my mind’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is a frumpy housewife, alone, a pain-in-the-ass to husands lol, impatient, nag, drive husbands crazy with ‘extreme’ ideas/opinions different from most in world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is funny, whitty, creative, a writer, inventive, never ending well of ‘ideas’ supposedly new ideas so an inventor, poetic/romantic, spiritual (yuk, pelah) somewhat religious-higher power thing, seeking recognition and fame and wealth through songwriting but not greedy lol, fun loving, loves dancing, sex, singing, and eating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, with my animals, is cuddly, loving, caring, playful, take good care of, warm, and someone who does not abuse these wonderful animals but is aware I don’t own them but I have the privilage of being their protector/provider in this life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, with family and friends around birthdays and celebrations, remembers dates and calls or sends cards, give appropriate gift, don’t ‘over do it’, considerate, make homemade cards, enjoy these occasions, like receiving and giving on these occasions, enjoy making a ‘good’ presentation with dinners, cakes, presents wrapped, cards, enjoy attending these celebrations, get annoyed at ‘friends’ who buy expensive gifts and then I can’t ‘keep up’ and feel guilty or assume they think I am less caring /cheap, judge people who over-give as inconsiderate to how I feel, judge them as assholes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, as a parent, is careful to not harm emotionally or physically, respectful, uses common sense, considerate, afraid of rejection so ‘suck up’ to them, can be condesending and then feel guilty, think I know more because of older/age= wisdom and give advice when not appropriate = they havn’t asked (appropriate at times, when they were young children), good teacher, sacrificing time and money, martryish at times, careful to never ‘name call’/put down, obsessive, fearful of them failing at life, failing at marriage, not being able to be employed at well paying job, getting killed or hurt emotionally or physically by others, protective, dedicated, loyal, will defend ‘stick up for them’, fearful they will ‘fuck up’ like I and their father did (sins of the father).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, with regards to work & school, is afraid of learning new things ie. on computer so will procrastinate, will over think/over analyze/over do a process, try to be thorough, is slow because too much detail, think I am someone who is slow and confused and not as smart as another, will see myself as someone who can accomplish only a little and then need a nap/rest/get tired easily, ‘think’ about how much I have to do and how behind I am and then sleep to escape, *in a rush, move with haste as always believe I am behind, not enough time, in a hurry (going where? lol).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, as wife, over thinks a situation, worry a lot of abandonment, fears the failure/break up of the marriage, is not good enough=pretty enough, exciting enough, successful enough for husband to ‘stick with me’, demanding, somewhat nag, boring, somewhat suspicious, somewhat pessimistic or is it realistic about the joke ‘marriage’ has become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, around the house, is singsongy (lol, my kids mentioned about a year ago I always sing around the house and I said ‘no I don’t, then noticed=became aware, I do all the time) make up little melodies and ‘sayings’ about the animals ie. ‘little Pika Jones, little Pika Jones…’ when the cats meow, I meow back at them and cuddle them, so light hearted and silly, joyful, playful, uses lots of endearments for kids, animals, and children I ‘nanny’ (after/before school care program in my home) such as sweetie, honey-bunny, monkey nuts…etc.  I can get annoying with it so rein it in sometimes but generally mean it in a loving way/affectionate way. Someone who can feel very heavy/tired doing ‘boring’ chores like laundry. *Note: completely changes when I don’t use my mind and move ‘here’ with breath, the chore then becomes light and quick and effortless!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who, within family discussions, can become over excited, exaggerate a point, judge a point/person, become frustrated and angry if family does not understand/agree with my ‘argument’/ point,someone who needs to ‘control herself’. Then I feel frightened they will reject me and guilt sets in and I apologize and feel embarrassed and sheepish/I did it again.

Done for now. It is somewhat ‘frightening’ to let go/release my personality as Sandy, who will I be? What is inbetween? What is left, who is left? I don’t know. That’s ok. Many stand with me at Desteni as I will, in turn stand with you.