Posts Tagged ‘celebrities’

I saw an add recently stating something like; ‘Go away to Jamaca with Dr. Wayne Dyer’ which was some promo to win a trip. It had his picture with palm trees and a beach in the background. I am always amazed at how grateful people are to these celebrities who give away prizes. Do we realize how much money is made from a stunt like that , which is really to promote the sale of his books and seminars?  Dyer can afford to jump on a plane, first class, any day of the year and buy a villa on each of the Bahama Islands if he chooses. The money for such a stunt does not come out of the celebrity’s pocket, all work done and money comes from image companies/publicists etc. Charity stinks. Why doesn’t he purchase a homeless family a mortgage free home? Or get a list of families about to be thrown out of their homes onto the street and pay off their mortgage free and clear? THAT’S real support, compassion, love.  The rest is a carrot and stick with these celebrities laughing all the way to the bank. Is this ok with you, that image? Not suggesting Dyer deserves less just that we all deserve equal.

Anyway, be careful with a book like *The Power of Intention. What appears to be laying the foundation of truth is actually deception. Unfortunately, but for a few of you, you’ll know this soon enough as the information, ideas, philosophy, spirituality presented in this book does not work, did not work for me. What Wayne Dyer sells is hope, which is quite self serving (not intentionally, lol).

Just looking at a few chapter titles here in this blog to give you an example of the nonsense contained in this book.

Chapter 12: It is my Intention to: Attract Ideal People and Divine Relationships

First of all, if we lived in a world where all were supported equally, you would not be temped to purchase a book about attracting ‘ideal people and divine relationships’. The main premise of this chapter is to do so to bring money into your life! He suggests we can bring the ‘right’ people who will ‘move us forward’ in our endeavors and it will result in an ease of income, like he has. So it is motivated by self interest which is forced upon us by the way the world’s money system is set up. Supposedly, if you have this intention it will come by some super power/magic ’cause a higher power/force is on your side, the magic power being an idea in your mind and vision (again your mind).  What kind of a power/universe would agree to such a thing and how in any way is this a divine relationship. It’s just survival pure and simple and survival based on making money, not for the good of all, not for equality. If Mr. Dyer wants to attract divine relationships and teach others to do so he could do something concrete/real here in the physical by looking around and seeing poverty and promoting equal income for all.

Chapter 13:  It is my Intention to:  Optimize My Capacity to Heal and Be Healed

Why do you need an intention? If one realizes our minds/thoughts run rampant and hinder our ability to direct our lives effectively to bring lasting change, simply putting in more thoughts to the already overflowing stew that is our minds, will not sufficiently support us. It just makes you feel like a failure when it does not work because you can’t keep it up and inevitably go back to your old way of thinking.

This is a ridiculous claim; ‘Optimize My Capacity to Heal and Be Healed’ how can one optimize it if one does not know the very starting point of disease? If we as human beings knew how to do this, we would be doing it by now! But in fact we age and die, have accidents and die, get diseases/viruses and die.  We also build killing machines and destroy each other each and everyday! The starting point in the last example is the mind, wars begin and end with thoughts and those thoughts are based around money, gotta get it or gotta keep it and gotta protect it from other nations=my neighbor.

Quite simply a thought/intention, meditation (although helpful) will not be sufficient to effect lasting healing for the patient or the healer. You cannot heal another although one can assist and support in learning how to heal yourself. Our current medical system can assist with symptoms and diet and exercise can assist with putting off disease and aging but not heal. This is the current physical evidence, why fool ourselves, bring hope when hope is nothing but again an idea and not real, it gets people to open their wallets and this is what the author wants. I am not suggesting the author does not also have ‘good intentions’ and want his words to be true and wants to ‘help’ people, I’m sure he does but this does not change the fact that his message is based on hopes and promises and not results that equate real change and improvement  in people’s lives.  He does nothing more than ‘inspire’ ‘encourage’ and create energy in people to get up and ‘get going’. But with no where to go, the energy in people drains/dissipates and they are left with nothing but another book on the shelf, another $30 wasted knowing they contributed to this spiritual guru’s opulent fortune and fortress. He is financially safe, are you?

Investigate:              Desteni.Org           EqualMoney.Org  

Forget intention, lets fix this world for real, time to stand for all equally. Do you want to be part of a group of people who are helping change the world for real?  Join Us!

*The Power of Intention, By Wayne Dyer

Published By: Hay House Inc. February 2004, United States

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I was  a big Tolle fan, although not sure why as reading his books did not change me (made me feel warm and fuzzy/’safe’ for a while) or the world in any significant way as far as I can see. Interesting, we will need another ‘spiritual guru’ to come along in a few more years and package the same message again in different paper. Has anyone ever questioned this and done anything about it?

One argument I heard was ‘it’s suppose to be like this, each learning from their journey in their life, some suffering more than other, we all have a different lesson to learn.’ Really? Until the divide gets so enormous that the ‘poor’ masses storm the castle and kill the king and queen in disgust of their total lack of compassion for them. Even then, the patterns of human existance continue, round and round. There is no improvement as we have war, starvation, rape, etc. in abundance today as centuries ago.

So, abundance of the good stuff for the few and abundance of misery for the many.

I was flipping through Tolle’s ‘A New Earth’ before writing this blog and came across some sentences I had underlined a few years back. From page 290, ‘We are also learning that action, although necessary, is only a secondary actor in manifesting our external reality.  The primary factor in creation is consciousness. No matter how active we are, how much effort we make, our state of consciousness creates our world, and if there is no change on that inner lever, no amount of action will make any difference.’

Yes, we must start with self and create a internal change but it is not the change Tolle speak about here. I will get to that change a little further down.

First, it is quite ridiculous to suggest no amount of action will change the world. It is simply not true, a lie, and a convenient one so the ‘have’s’ can do nothing. He does, indeed sooth many of the world’s wealthy, guilty consciouness. No wonder Oprah loves this guy, these celebrities have millions and millions (some billions) so they throw some money at a charity, attend a few charitable functions and go to their ‘special’ place in their mind and ‘change the world’. WTF! The world does not change!  So the royalty of the U.S., the celebrities, have an ‘out’ in Tolle’s message.

Changing our consciousness will not change the world, or it would have done so already, with all the years of following Gods, angels, masters, thousands of spiritual books read, zillions of prayers/meditations put forth to the various higher powers believed in and nothing changes.

Stopping the mind, as in the conscious, sub-conscious, and unconscious will change the world, will change the human being.   I have experienced a malfunction of the mind called ‘mental illness’. You do not want to go there, however, I wanted to mention that, to assure you I know the mind is not what you believe it to be, it is not to be trusted as a benevolent part of you. Your dreams, visions, ‘ah ha’ moments are not from a loving creator/force in the universe you can trust. I realize that is shocking and ‘sad’.  Investigate Desteni.Org to learn the truth about the mind.

Ok, lets get back to ‘A New Earth’.  Again, I am quoting from a few lines I had highlighted when I read this book. According to Tolle, on page 269 ‘So be true to life by being true to your inner purpose. As you become present and thereby total in what you do, your actions become charged with spiritual power. At first there may be no noticeable change in what you do-only the how changes. Your primary purpose is now to enable consciousness to flow into what you do…there is now a deeper purpose that can only be found in the present, through the denial of time.’

How is being in the ‘now’ the ‘present’ a denial of time? It is not as it is directly connected to and in fact dependent upon  (to exist) the past and the future, which is time! It is deceptive, perhaps not purposefully so.

It is only by remaining ‘here’ in awareness, out of one’s mind in each moment of breath, that one is existing out of the construct of time.  Surely, Tolle himself has been living in the now for several years and must be charged with a shit load of ‘spiritual power’. To what end?  Is he making any headway changing our economic systems, changing the laws in our governments to ensure children are not used as slaves to produce goods western societies are so addicted to buying? Is he using this ‘spiritual power‘ to stop child pornography, perhaps for science to solve the problem of needed oil world wide or effectively spreading his message so many can get enough collective spiritual power to be significant for world peace?

No, he’ just getting richer from selling books and giving lectures. It’s all about self interest. He is spreading the message of the mind, the ‘consciousness’ to remain a slave to ‘feeling good’ in ‘peace’ while children carry guns, are held captive and used for labor and for sex. These children have no hope to experience a life anywhere near like he enjoys.

We don’t need a new earth, we need a new human being. 

We don’t need ‘spiritual power’, we need common sense. We know what is wrong. We know how to fix it. We can do this by rejecting self interest, once and for all and living, in each breath, what is best for all. Please join us in bringing heaven to earth. EqualMoney.Org   Desteni.Org

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that magic-quantum time is possible. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I could handle reality in quantum time (instant manifestation of a thought or the spoken word). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear when I think of actually being responsible for quantum time, lol I’d have the whole world gone a ‘poof’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as and within continual timeloops as time as energy, going in circular within life as I exist in and as the mind, never slowing down enough to be a real creator of my world/reality but running in circles, no matter if I do things ‘differently’, with always the same outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually add more and more knowledge and information in and as my mind and not consider it is how I use this information-move and effect an outcome with and as it- (not whether I understand it) that is key to not ending up back at the beginning, over and over to infinity, so not really expanding, becoming, creating myself beyond what /who I am now .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by fear 1000 times a day as I think, ‘damn, I’m getting older, I look older, I am tired because I’m older, I’m gaining weight because I’m older now, my hair is more grey, my knee hurts because of my age as older, I shouldn’t do x because I am older now, the women at the school are younger, they look better, I’ll move to a smaller house with no mortgage because I’m getting older, …… ( Note: these thoughts are layered…but they are they, it is indeed extensive!) so forever being enslaved/trapped in my mind in a story, sequence of pre-programmed events of a ‘lifetime’ and never being /experiencing/creating LIFE as me , who I am ‘here’ in each breath, as one and equal to all that exist!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a picture in a picture world and myself as a story in a timeline, as a seed with the timeline rolled up within it (taken from a Desteni vlog, lol, fascinating) and as the timeline unravels and the seed grows, it indeed has an end, and I as the story, end… who made that nasty bit up?!  Lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the patterns my mind has trapped me into,  closed patterns, as in a circle, not really learning/growing/evolving but compromising myself more and more, letting ‘things beyond my control’ go because I am powerless, and after all people don’t like/won’t like me ‘if I’m like that ‘ as in difficult to be around because I question the way human beings exist on this planet–because I am getting older and only have so much time, and apparently ‘energy’ so I get tired more, so ‘let the young ones change the world’ too late for me’ and I abdicate my responsibility for the state of this world as a protector/stuart of this world because of a goddamn story line/timeline to which I am bound and ‘helpless’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be duped by my ego and directed by fear of loss, believing in my ‘personality’, thinking, ‘I don’t want them not to like me, I’ll be lonely, unhappy, desolate, friendless and perhaps I will need them and I may become poor and homeless and OMG I NEED them, I’ll shut up.’ and so not speak up about the atrocities I see in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that time-quantum time or earth/space time-is all energy and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I cannot live without energy, I am energy, I am light’ regulating the movement of and as knowledge and information / the unfolding of events in space/time within vibration=energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the system of karma, as consequence, exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have karma exist within and as me manifesting as knee pain/problems in my left knee and somewhat in my right knee as carrying the past of relationships with boyfriends and my ex-husband. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have karma exist within and as me manifesting as knee pain/problems in my left knee and somewhat in my right knee as carrying the past of relationships with family members and friends, employers, acquaintances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that karma exists and I must manifest consequence within my world as my ‘experiences’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I must face my karma at the point of death, as in spiritual ascension-to ‘go to the next level of enlightenment’- instead of facing  the consequence of my actions responsibly ‘here’ in each moment, which is common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can achieve some certain ‘vibration’ level so that I magically do not have to face my karma self honestly, in each ‘moment’ ‘here’ on earth, in a responsible way that is best for all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself in self honestly and face my fears as to why I ‘hide’ and not ‘look’ at what I have created in the moment as karma as consequence in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want a savior/magic/god/master/husband/boss to do the dirty work for me, ‘fix’ me, so that I do not have to face myself, in self honesty, face my fears head on without hiding/in full view, face my karma all alone, so it is ‘easy’ and I can continue hiding, resulting in me forever being subject to a master/slave relationship, bound in dependency and so not living self honestly as one and equal to all other human beings and existence in it’s entirety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to believe I am too tired, frightened, weak, small, stupid, old to face my karma by myself and to eliminate this system in each moment ‘here’, as I birth myself as life in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to believe I am ‘special’, important, different, deserving, more ‘enlightened’ than others, divine, because of acquired knowledge and information ,when in self honesty I am only lost in ‘delusions of grandeur’ believing I am now no longer subject to ‘The Law of Karma’ in each moment of creation as life ‘here’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear for my children and husband thinking , ‘I need to ‘save’ them because they do not know about living in self honestly ‘here’ in each moment with breath and must face their consequence as karma and manifest that consequence’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in not trusting my process and trusting that I am a living example to my children and husband and ‘telling’ them /badgering them about the Desteni I Process only pushes them away. Instead I accept and allow myself to be patient with my  process of self realization and self awareness and through ‘standing’ in each moment in self honesty, be a living example to all human beings, in equality and not in separation as in ‘specialness’ of family system existent on earth at this time.

Note: I embrace this process not from a starting point of blame but responsibility. I love and respect my parents and siblings, more so after having started this process of awareness and self realization (my father has passed on). I participate in this self forgiveness, as another, on my parents behalf knowing we are one and equal, to once and for all eradicate the ‘sins of the father’ so we never again have all this crap downloaded into us and we may birth ourselves as life in the physical. My parents were not at fault, my father and mother will have to go through their own process so they can become life and express who they really are, awesome expressions when free from they systems they became here!

Father:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children the emotional support they needed growing up.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children physical contact in hugging, holding them and not enough time engaging them and participating, attending events or being physically present enough in the home. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my children as a punching bag when I was stressed in that I bullied them verbally, criticizing, frightening them instead of acquiring the parental skills I needed to be a supportive, effective parent .  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in excess in the home knowing my personality changed when I drank and I treated my children cruelly and humiliated them in front of my friends, relatives and each other. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in the home  presenting to my children it is ‘normal’ ‘acceptable’ to drink alcohol even though I knew alcoholism ran rampant within our family ‘tree’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not talk to my children about the dangers of alcohol consumption. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put Sandy in a ‘box’/role of the quiet one/no trouble/good student/independant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare Sandy and P. her brother, humiliating P., saying he costs more money to the family, he is not smart like her, he causes them to worry and she doesn’t.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware that Sandy heard this, in the isolation of her room and it was verbally abusive to both S. and P. and harmed both of them.

Mother:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present to my daughter that being financially dependent on a husband was ‘normal’ and ‘safe’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not intervene when my husband was ‘picking’ on one of our children, unless it got really ‘ugly’ or physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it was ‘better to not speak up’ to defend my children but ‘safer’ for myself and the children to allow my husband be the ‘boss’ of the house (his role) because I was afraid for our survival if I spoke up and my marriage ended. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let ‘experience’ (the past-her mother was booted out of the house when she was 11 years old and she never saw her again!) dictate to me how I should behave in the present when it was obvious my husband was abusing our children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my daughter in a box/role and if she managed to wriggle out of it I had to put her in another one (easy child, no trouble, quiet…then business woman…wife/mother…troubled single mom trying to be a songwriter WTF…rebel with ‘silly’ ideas how she can change the world for the better/well meaning and kind) based on self interest so I can make sense of the world and live in ‘peace’ with ‘order’ this is who she is/this is who he is/this is the way the world is and I accept it without question, I do not speak up and ask for change, I have money and I am comfortable, I give to charity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my daughter as weak, a failure when she needed money when she was a single mom, as I believed she should be strong and independent anyway, ‘soldier on’ ‘be quiet, work hard and society will reward you, then marry again and you will be safe’ as it worked for me and it should work for Sandy.

Eldest Brother: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Sandy as a rebel, pain in the ass, going against society to an extreme extent and not being quiet and upsetting me as in making me question my own beliefs.

Sister: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe my sister is wrong for ‘borrowing’ money from our parents and she should survive without their help.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Sandy is wrong/small/putting it out there for me to see that I ‘got’ the cottage because my husband and I could afford it ( the rich get richer). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ‘mean’ to Sandy when we were children, excluding her just because she was younger and making fun of her/picking on/humiliating her ‘just because I could’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am superior to Sandy because I chose the ‘right’ husband and she chose a man like our Dad, for excitement and because he was good looking, then she complained and became poor when the marriage didn’t work out, her fault, now she has nothing and is jealous of me, tough, life worked out for me because I was smart and she was not and that is how it is, I agree with my mom, be quiet Sandy and ‘soldier on’.

Family System: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the very manifestation of separateness of human beings into small self serving groups. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system that destroys the support of community, for parents of young children and elderly people, so All as One do not take the responsibility for raising the children of our world and supporting and caring for the elderly and as such much abuse takes place within ‘households’ as families in isolation from the rest of society, as a whole. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive human beings into believing ‘blood runs thicker than water’, that ‘specialness’ is real and exists and is ‘right’ to treat some human beings one way and other humans being another way , not as equal, not as one family but each family looks after ‘it’s own’ and passes money/assets down from one generation to the next, as in ‘family money’ which leads to more separation, indifference to the suffering of others and strictly living within self interest.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ‘sins of the father’ downloading all the information of the mother and father and generations past into each and every new born child on earth, all of this information exists as files that activate as thoughts , feelings, and emotions within the un/sub/conscious mind, which the being believes to be them, it is not.

Sex System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the birthing process, of new human beings being born into this world,be excruciatingly painful for women to endure.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have women to have to endure a monthly bleeding process as part of the reproduction process required for women to be able to conceive/become pregnant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse human beings by having the orgasm experience, as a necessary part of reproduction, be so pleasurable, that they abuse it by becoming obsessed at having to experience this ‘euphoria’ as much as possible in irresponsible ways that harms other human beings, often vulnerable women and children. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation responsible for deception in a marriage that leads to ‘heartbreak’, suicide, bankruptcy, and the break up of families leaving innocent family members vulnerable to much harm and emotional unstability.

Education System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation of a system that many follow/trust in innocents not knowing how they are being controlled by the few in power, elite/governments, directing them to become another unit in the money system, controlling what ‘job’ career they will engage in, how much they will earn and enslaving them to being wage earners and consumers, not having time to express who they really are as ‘life’ ‘here’ but continually stuck in their minds ‘worrying’ about how they will pay the bills, afford this and that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bore human beings with vast amount of useless knowledge and information they are told they have to memorize, theorize, write about, figure, that they do not need and this occupies them so they do not even questions the ‘wisdom’ of all the time and effort it takes and they do not see what needs to be done in this world to bring about a life that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be equally available = affordable to all thus contributing to the vast separation of human beings within geography, family they are born into, genetics-some are born (programmed) ‘lucky’ ‘talented’ ‘gifted’ and others average or deemed ‘dumb’ ‘learning disabled’ and have no/little chance at receiving me and thus a very difficult life and cannot earn sufficient money to support themselves or their families.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be part of a system of heirachy and engage human beings in their minds as ego, as in emotions of superiority, better-than, snobbery according  to which of my institutions they or their family member attended, knowing full well their money got them there and others do not have the same/equal advantage.

Government System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest in different ‘countries’ in separation and not one cooperative world government. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control people through fear of reprisal/punishment if they challenge me , question my authority and power, report deception, report criminal behavior, gather to discuss alternatives to my rule.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess certain human being minds to the point of demonizing them so that they completely dominate, rule over with an iron fist, a group of people in  a way that is not best for all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system people/groups/countries hide behind as ‘democratic’ when it is clearly small groups of people claiming all the wealth=power and all the fruits of this earth while the masses suffer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make certain things illegal that could bring much health and stability to a population, for example making it so very difficult for entrepeneurs to bring new ideas to the ‘market’ such as health alternatives/advancements and making other substances, for example alcohol,  legal and readily available to the masses of world populations, knowing I am sedating them to keep them occupied and ‘dumbed down’ so they are quiet and easily controlled.

Music/Entertainment System/Sports System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prop people up, making them ‘larger than life’ so they receive huge sums of money=wealth, power, movement while others live in extreme poverty and die of starvation each day just because they sing ‘well’ or act as a character in a story ‘well’, or run fast or throw a ball well, or write a ‘good’ story.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess the human mind to the extent I demonize them through their ego with feelings of self importance, justification with self interest above all else, entitlement, superiority, dominance, greed, power, conceit, vanity, believing they are ‘chosen’ by ‘god’ to live a ‘privileged’ life so it is justified they have so much money and can do and buy whatever they want even if they have 20 cars and 10 houses and they know others have nothing!  They are favored by god, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink ‘alcoholically’ for ten years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by fear and think ‘this is an overwhelming topic and I can never possibly get through it.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me not hear the voices in my head and I’ll be able to live and sleep enough to get by.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me keep my children so no one will know I’ve gone insane.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of sadness at starting this exercise and think, ‘No wonder I was putting it off, it’s terrible remembering all this horror.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I need to drink before I go out to a social event or on a date so I’ll be more relaxed, have more fun, be myself’, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind and a memory of crawling up the stairs, one stair at a  time slowly and thinking, ‘I’m not going to make it’ and pausing for several minutes on each stair because I was so loaded and to have this memory exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and picture exist in my mind within and as me of being in the bathtub and continually passing out and coming to gasping for air and thinking, ‘I gotta get outta this tub, I could drown’ and doing this over and over for I do not know how long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of me choking over the sink or toilet from vomit and thinking, ‘I don’t think I’m gonna make it, I can’t catch my breath’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture and memory exist within my mind , existing within and as me,  of throwing up or gagging over the kitchen sink and then drinking more, thinking ‘that’s ok, no big deal, I can keep this down, its ok, I gotta keep this down…fuck, I gotta be able to drink this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have a picture of my daughter crying exist in my mind and a memory of her and my son at her birthday dinner when I said , ‘I wish I could kill myself sometimes’ . What a total asshole, I sobered up right away (instantly) and apologized, not that that makes it ‘better’ but it was a start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and a picture exist in my mind of driving with my children with a ‘traveller’ = booze so  drinking and driving and drinking while driving endangering myself, my children and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of getting up one morning and looking in the mirror and being horrified as a blood vessel had broke in my eye and I looked like I had been beaten up, the whites of my eyes were yellow, I was bloated and bruised on my arms and legs and did not know why (except I knew alcohol thins the blood so you bruise ‘easily’) , I could not stand up straight and threw up and crawled back into bed. And then the thought, “OMG I look like I’ve been beaten, oh yeah, I have, by myself.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ” I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will Jaclyn and Garrett do with out me?  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll stop tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be directed by the emotion of guilt and self pity and self hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done. How have I harmed my children?’ when it is a waste of time and my children see me contributing to ‘society’ and within Desteni each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her ‘once again’ how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’  and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this , the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt Jaclyn and I was suppose to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Garrett sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor Garrett. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is lazy now. He sits in front of his computer all day now. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of Garrett’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back because I had blacked out and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bring up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love Garrett. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’ Whenever I have this memory now, I stop, I breath. It is a waste of time to go over it again and again in my mind. I do not drink now and Garrett is ok and I am grateful for that.  I get on with my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and Jaclyn taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. she asked what it was and I said something like ‘it is a special drink for adults don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt and shame and regret to bring up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I wreaked of booze through my pores. I was often sweaty and shaky.

**********************

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, at the bar smoking.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of some of the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, many of them were kind, I just used them to feed my sorry ego, I often became physical with them and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I did not even remember them and I would brush them off, sometimes insensitively as I was often hung over.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to these men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across super friendly/somewhat flirty/strong, confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, sad lol. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my cousin one christmas at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idoit, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face. Her father died of alcoholism and they did not have as much money, growing up, as the other cousins and now she has positioned herself so she has ‘it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck her, I hate the bitch.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin hugging me/consoling me after she heard I got horribly drunk at my parents 50th wedding anniversary party that she could not attend, bringing up the thought, ‘L. is very sweet to stand up for me. I am very embarrassed. I guess everyone knows what happened.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin, who is an alcoholic, pouring hard liquor down his throat in the forest by the cottage (my family’s cottage and his were beside each other) and passing out.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Poor M. he is a ‘severe’ alcoholic and cannot drink. He seems miserable and fucked up.He should go to AA (alcoholics anonymous) as it would help him learn how to live sober.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in W’s kitchen, as she offered to watch my kids when I went to a AA meeting, her house being large and incredibly opulent and thinking, ‘Her husband is so successful and decent and handsome. She never has to worry about money. I wonder how that feels? I wish I could feel that. I am such a pathetic loser. I married the wrong man, she was smart, she married the ‘right’ man. Oh god, get this over with. I can’t wait to get home and drink. Stupid bitch, she thinks it so simple with her ‘help’, its just one meeting, tomorrow who is going to watch the kids? No one and I will drink, oh fuck what a loser. Look at all she has , it is so beautiful and comfortable here, my kids love it here. Just get through this and home soon and drink, thank god… soon.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by regret, shame, guilt, self-hate, humiliation, fear, jealousy, confusion, self-pity bring up the thought, ‘What does she think, one meeting is going to change anything. I know it won’t. Just go and come back and get your kids and get them out of her clutches of ‘we have so much, abundance and you don’t’ and get home so you can drink.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m never going to get through this, it’s too much, it’s not going to change anything. I should be making money.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having no regard for my physical health. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and instead put my ‘faith’ in my ‘higher power’=my mind and follow it’s ‘guidance’.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust and therefore my actions outside of myself in others and the idea of a ‘higher power’ in total separation of myself and my world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize my alcoholism and instead live/exists in total self-pity and self-victimization, not taking responsibility and empowering myself with my own ability to change my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, “Life should not be something you just ‘get through'” and doubted sticking to my guns ( my decision to not re-enter the work force because I did not believe in the world money/business systems) but instead ‘felt’ defeated by the world and wondered if everyone else was ‘right’ and I should just get a regular job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate the responsibility for the health of my human physical body to… what? Chance, luck, doctors, miracles, money, god, spirits, prayer, hope.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt what I have questioned (although way back in my mind, didn’t think I had the right to question) throughout my life; why shouldn’t I be in complete control of my physical human body, why don’t I know what’s going on with my body, who designed this, it sucks, it should be changed so human’s are not such prisoners in their bodies, it should be a delight to exist, not so precarious and frightening, every time you walk out the door something can kill you. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my right to ask these questions in fearing the creator would think I was ungrateful and therefore undeserving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking , ‘No wonder I drank, life sucked, I’d rather be drunk than have to submit to the world systems. Thank god for Desteni.’

I will end this blog for now. May publish a continuation.

Love and light, love and light, isn’t it wonderful?

Not so much if you’re an 16 year old orphaned girl(parents dead from Aids) HIV infected, with 2 young sisters and you have to labor  in a hot, dry field 9 hours a day just to scrounge a few coins to feed yourself and your sisters the bare minimum. You fall into bed in a basically empty mud hut with your sisters crying, huddling together on makeshift bed, you lay on the dirt floor and give the girls the only blanket, in fear of what tomorrow will bring. The neighbors and community feel sorry but cannot help but a little now and then. How will you face it all again tomorrow?  No hope for a better future, no dreams of boyfriends or even school, you just ‘pray’ the girls don’t get sick again. You cry yourself to sleep. This girl’s name is Seraphene. I learned about her story many years ago at a World Vision fund raiser. I saw the film of her and her home and her little sisters.  I have no idea what happened to them.

I found Deepak’s home on http://virtualglobetrotting.com/map/deepak-chopras-house/  Please take a look. A palatial mansion with swimming pool and tennis courts  and no doubt a whole lot more.  I have nothing against the man personally, he is but one example of a world gone mad; living in self interest and self justification, creating ‘many mansions’ in his mind…er sorry… in the sky for Seraphene and her sister’s when they have learnt all their ‘lessons’ in this world and pass onto the next.  Note: Since posting this blog a woman from Chopra’s office, named Carolyn made a comment, you can read below and then e-mailed, saying this is not Chopra’s home. Ok, I asked where is his home or a photo so I can correct the blog, how many homes does he have and where ?(obviously, I did not mean the exact address, which she claim she took my request as). She never responded. I don’t know , does it matter at all? I mean the guy’s a multi-multi-millionaire. Could be that mansion or another.  Abundance versus Starvation. Deepak versus One BILLION  * that’s 1000,000,000 people starving or without food today!  Tragic. Perhaps all the positive thinking will magically feed them. So sad, so tragic, so uneccessary. Charity will not effectively correct this disgusting problem. Nor will ‘positive’ messages and thinking, wake the F up people!

Deepak Chopra is an Indian American writer and public speaker, best known for covering topics such as spirituality and mind-body medicine.

His estimated net worth according to http://www.famenetworth.com/2010/11/deepak-chopra-net-worth.html is a cool 75 million American dollars.Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Hmm…this about sums it up, from Wikipedia;

Chopra is as rich as he is today … because his basic message — that love, health and happiness are possible, that mystery is real and that the universe is ultimately a friendly and benevolent place where orthodoxies old and new can meet and make peace with one another — is one that he wants to believe in just as sincerely as his readers do.”[1][2]

Well, isn’t that just the bees knees, all wrapped up neat and tidy so he can sleep in his designer sheets tonight. And the universe is benevolent you say, well I am an ass, I thought little children were dying in agony tonight from starvation–tell them that.  Will your words sooth them, will your charity reach them, heal them?  I think not.

In an Equal Money System you will not have to put up with such nonsense as these guru’s spread their ‘love and light’ messages. It is not working , clearly.  Nothing but equality will be tolerated, all will be given equal opportunity to ‘spread their wings’ not just a few.  All will be provided a home with clean water, a safe neighborhood,  food, healthcare, clothing, transportation, education and of the highest quality. Nothing but the best will be made ! Not one deserving or receiving more than another- because equal is equal is equal. You can’t manipulate it , you can’t fake it, you can’t fudge it, you can’t hide it. All will be known, nothing is owned but used respectfully while we are here.  This is our earth, this is our home.

Please investigate EqualMoney.Org

1 Tompkins, Ptolemy (2008-11-14). “”Time”, New Age Supersage, Ptolemy Tompkins, November 14, 2008″. Time.com. Retrieved 2011-02-18.

2. ^ a b TNN, Apr 15, 2001, 02.04pm IST (2001-04-15). “The Times of India, Halyeema Sayed, The Mind-Body, April 15, 2001”. Timesofindia.indiatimes.com. Retrieved 2011-02-18.