Posts Tagged ‘childhood’

This quote is taken from ‘BC Health Link’ online http://www.healthlinkbc.ca/kb/content/special/ue5463.html updated May 24, 2010:

‘At 1 month of age, infants express their feelings with alert, widened eyes and a rounded mouth…’

I recall that with my own children, almost like a fish, the little round mouth, opening and closing. I wonder why babies have that expression as their first and why it disappears? Interesting.

During this time it is important to feed your baby on demand, you’ll know, lol! So when baby is crying do not ignore, even if they were just fed. If their belly is full, there is something else baby needs. Pick up your child, perhaps baby needs a diaper change or your touch and comfort.

This is paramount to social development to assist your child to feel safe, assured that, at this time when they are completely dependent upon you for survival, you are there and they will build trust in you and trust within self, that what they need is available, this world is a safe place for them to be. They can then be relaxed and get the rest they need and be aware of their surroundings increasingly.

When baby is sleeping best to leave it that way! Often, with the arrival of a new life, friends and relatives come over to meet baby. It is important that you ask them to wait until baby wakes or just let them have a quick peek into the nursery. Would you want to be ‘picked up’ if you were asleep? No, you’d be understandably pissed off! Of course, there are times when you must pick up your baby and perhaps ‘go home’ if you are out. However, your child will need this time to rest and you will need it to also rest or get the million things done that you have not had time for since the arrival of baby.

I am not convinced that breast feeding is the ‘best’ and only way we can nourish a new life. It is, at this time on earth, the optimal choice as it is ‘free’ and ‘easy’ as it requires no bottles or preparation. I was able to breastfeed without any of the ‘problems’ many women face. However, it was physically tiring and required me to to very aware of my liquid and solid intake. It is easy to get dehydrated and ‘weak’ and exhausted during this process.

Many women have no choice but to work outside the home (I did not), even with the arrival of a new baby, so sometimes it is impossible to breastfeed.

If I was to go back in time and ‘do it all again’ I would see what thoughts arise about my ‘energy level’ how tired I am, how it seems overwhelming to breastfeed and deal with the baby and all the other commitments and details of my life. I would apply  Self-Forgiveness (see: Desteni.Org/DesteniIProcess.Com) and write out a Self- Corrective Applications  for each thought.

This could be part of a pre-natal educational course as , although you and your baby are ‘unique’ individuals, there are certain predictable behaviors and thoughts that will arise upon the arrival of baby. One can be prepared by having these statements ready to be read aloud until the time that they become fully integrated in and as you.

This will have a huge impact on your babies social development because you are so close, your impact and influence is so great on who your child will become thus the more you are relaxed, trust yourself and this new experience the better. Specifically do not develop thought patterns that are destructive and can often lead to depression, anxiety through becoming overwhelmed, this is passed onto your baby through your constant, close interaction and your breast milk. You are the example. Exemplify!


What happens to children when they pass over from this physical dimension of earth? Why are they protected?

He did not embrace heaven, why?

What part are they playing in existence as a whole?

This is a fascinating account of a young boy who died of cancer at the age of 7, what he found on the other side and his understanding of what is going on in (what was) heaven and earth. He did find stability with other children that had passed.

Then something happened!

It was something ‘…we’ve all been waiting for…I knew, in a way, everything would be ok….’

‘The answer… to ourselves, to the return to ourselves…’

Enjoy this amazing story! http://youtu.be/yCFO2J4Ii7M

January 2011

2011 – First Blog: My Process at Deteni

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/06/first-blog-my-process-at-desteni-journal-jan-411/

2011 – my process…SHUT UP

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/my-process-shut-up/

2011 – Loser and Gossip

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/10/loser-and-gossip/

2011 – Humiliation and the Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/humiliation-and-the-money-system/

2011 – Good Intentions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/good-intentions/

2011 – How I am not real…I change moment to moment

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/how-i-am-not-real-i-change-moment-to-moment/

2011 – My master fear shouts ‘hurry up’

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/14/my-master-fear-shouts-hurry-up/

2011 – hate and murder…it’s right there inside of me

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/hate-and-murder-its-right-there-inside-of-me/

2011 – News:  Horrible images of the dead but I am numb

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/news-horrible-images-of-the-dead-but-i-am-numb/

2011 – Egomania

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/egomania/

2011 – Fear of Standing Up

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/fear-of-standing-up/

2011 – A Disaplined Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/a-disciplined-life/

2011 – The Existing Money System and Debt

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/the-existing-money-system-and-debt/

February 2011

2011 – Fear of Attack:  My Process with Desteni

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/05/fear-of-attack-my-process-with-desteni/

2011 – My Friend Pika:  Process, A First

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/my-friend-pika-process-a-first/

2011 – I Am One Vote For World Equality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/08/i-am-one-vote-for-world-equality/

2011 – Self Trust & Common Sense

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/12/self-trust-common-sence/

2011 – Joy

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/joy/

2011 – Sugar Addiction

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/sugar-addiction/

2011 – Starting to Experience Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/23/starting-to-experience-life/

2011 – Why on Earth-lyrics

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/27/why-on-earth-by-sandy-jones-and-peter-linesman/

March 2011

2011 – Dropping the Ball and Chain

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/04/dropping-the-ball-and-chain/

2011 – Exploiting Cheap Labor: Does Ignorant = Innocent?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/08/exploiting-cheap-labour-does-ignorant-innocent/

2011 – Comparison; Woman Against Woman

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/10/comparison-woman-against-woman/

2011 – Process: Changes

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/14/process-changes/

April 2011

2011 – Process: Facing my Fears…uh oh…Huge Step Back

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – I Fear Smoking: Self Forgiveness

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – I Fear Losing Money:  Self Forgiveness

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – Are We Not ALL Princes Among Men?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/are-we-all-not-princes-among-men/

May 2011

2011 – Al-Queda Recruits: What am I  Missing Here?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/al-queda-recruits-what-am-i-missing-here/

2011 – My Experience with the Real Estate Career Scam

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/my-experience-with-the-real-estate-career-sham/

2011 – Canadian Election Shocker:  Hope for future equality…in the future

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/canadian-election-surprise-hope-for-future-equality-in-the-future/

2011 – Why didn’t I take my Kids to Cool ‘Singalong’ Classes when They were Young?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/14/why-didnt-i-take-my-kids-to-cool-singalong-classes-when-they-were-young/

2011 – I Hate My Husband;   Anger/Blame

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/i-hate-my-husband-angerblame/

2011 – The End is Here, yes the end of BS with an Equal Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/21/the-end-is-here-yes-the-end-of-bs-with-an-equal-money-system/

2011 – Banking: Price Increases…Insatiable Greed

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/banking-price-increases-no-one-asked-me/

2011 – Sport:  Competition Destroys the Self Esteem of the large majority of our Children

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/sport-competition-destroys-the-self-esteem-of-large-majority-of-our-children/

2011 – Music:  Beyonce Is A Bully

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/music-beyonce-is-a-bully/

June 2011

2011 – Why Sex Sells

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/why-sex-sells/

2011 – Mind Control – Cult – Beware !

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/mind-control-cult-beware/

2011 – MultiNational Greed and the Ugly Result

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/11/multinational-greed-and-the-ugly-result/

2011 – Causes of Poverty-Shocking Worldwide Statistics

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/causes-of-poverty-worldwide-statistics-shocking/

2011 – Vanity & Me:  Self Forgiveness on the Beauty System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/24/vanity-me-process-self-forgiveness-on-the-beauty-system/

2011 – Realizations!  Fear of Aging

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/25/realizations-fear-of-aging/

July 2011

2011 – Why I Stand for Equal Money and World Equality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/why-i-stand-for-equal-money-and-world-equality/

2011 – Emotions and Re-defining ‘Beauty’

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/02/emotions-and-re-defining-beauty/

2011 – Where ‘God’ led me:  An Exurpt from a Case Study on Alcoholism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/where-god-led-me-an-exurpt-from-a-casestudyblog-on-alcoholism/

2011 – Loss:  What I now realize.  What I will now accept and what I will not accept.

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/loss-what-i-now-realize-what-i-will-and-will-not-accept-and-allow/

2011 – The Road To Hell is Paved With Good Intentions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/the-road-to-hell-is-paved-with-good-intentions/

2011 – Quantum Self Realizations

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/quantum-self-realizations/

August 2011

2011 – Jealousy:  My Sister got the Family Cottage

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/15/jealousy-my-sister-got-the-family-cottage/

2011 – Regret:  The talk with my Dad

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/16/regret-the-talk-with-my-dad/

2011 – Trigger Points:  Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/trigger-points-self-forgiveness-and-corrective-statement/

2011 – Life as Survival of the Fittest Versus Life in an Equal Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/life-as-survival-of-the-fittest-versus-life-within-an-equal-money-system/

2011 – Equal Money is Not Communism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/equal-money-is-not-communism/

Septmeber 2011 

2011 – What Happens when I Accept an Idea of ‘God’?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/06/what-happens-when-i-accept-an-idea-of-god/

2011 – Experiences Keep Us Stuck

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/experiences-keep-us-stuck/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Self Sabotage:  The point of Inferiority

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/21/self-forgiveness-self-sabotage-the-point-of-inferiority/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Self Sabotage:  Assumptions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/self-forgiveness-self-sabotage-assumptions/

2011 – Self Forgiveness Book:  Childhood:  Thought Patterns

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/self-forgiveness-book-childhoodthought-patterns/

October  2011

2011 – Childhood Patterns:  Inhibitions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/childhood-patterns-inhibition/

2011 – Poverty & Pregnancy

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/poverty-and-pregnancy/

2011 – Childhood Memories:  Humiliation

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/08/childhood-memories-humiliation/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Childhood Memories:  Submissive Women

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/14/sf-childhood-memories-submissive-women/

2011- Unplanned Pregnancy & Equal Money

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/16/unplannedunwanted-pregnancy-and-equal-money/

2011 – FAQ:  Will Indigenous People Preserve their ‘Rights’ to live Outside the System?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/25/will-indigenous-people-preserve-their-rights-to-live-outside-of-the-system/

2011 – FAQ Equal Money:  Will I have to Wait in Line for Bread?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/27/faq-equal-money-will-i-have-to-wait-in-line-for-bread/

2011 – The Future of Money 2012:  Will There Be Banks in an Equal Money System?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/the-future-of-money-2012-will-there-be-banks-in-an-equal-money-system/

November 2011

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Childhood:  Thought Patterns:  Fear of Men

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/self-forgiveness-on-childhood-fear-of-men-thought-patterns/

2011 – Process:  Letting Go of my Relationship Personality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/process-letting-go-of-my-relationship-personality/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  Boyfriends

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/self-forgiveness-boyfriends-thought-patterns/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  High School Girlfriends

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/self-forgiveness-high-school-girlfriends/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:   Family-In-Laws

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/13/sf-thought-patterns-family-in-laws/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  My Father’s Drinking

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/self-forgiveness-childhood-memories-thought-patterns-my-fathers-drinking/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal money System:  Are you just going to print cash?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-are-you-going-to-just-print-cash/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System:  Will there be Euthanasia?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-will-there-be-euthanasia/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  BIG (Basic Income Grant)

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-2020-basic-income-grant/

2011 – Process:  Fantasies of Older Men: Realizations and Self Corrective Statements

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/27/so-many-men-so-little-time-realizations-and-self-corrective-statements-re-fantasies/

December 2011

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  Teen/Young Adult

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/memories-thought-patterns-self-forgiveness/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No more cheap glasses that ruin your eyes!

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/faq-equal-money-system-2020-no-more-cheap-glasses-that-ruin-your-eyes/

2011 – FAQ:  The End of Weapons Production with Equal Money

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/faq-the-end-of-weapons-production-with-equal-money/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No More OWS (Occupy Wall Street)

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/faq-equal-money-system-2020-no-more-owsoccupy-wall-street/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  Free World Travel

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/faq-equal-money-system-2020-free-world-travel/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No more Deepak Chopra

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/13/faq-equal-money-system-2020no-more-deepak-chopra/

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Use of Sleep Aids

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/24/self-forgiveness-on-use-of-sleep-aids/

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Alcoholism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/30/self-forgiveness-on-alcoholism/

January 2012

2012 – Self Forgiveness on ‘Happy” Childhood Memories

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/self-forgiveness-on-happy-childhood-memories/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Last Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/self-forgiveness-as-last-life/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Another:  The Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/self-forgiveness-as-another-the-money-system/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Another:  Parents, siblings, world systems, other

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/2011-self-forgiveness-as-another-parents-siblings-world-systems-other/

2012 – Self Forgiveness:  Karma

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/self-forgiveness-karma/

2012 – Self Forgiveness on Magic:  The Role of Time

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/self-forgiveness-on-magic-the-role-of-time/

2012 – 2012 Why I Could Hear the Desteni Message

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/2012-why-i-could-hear-the-desteni-message/

2012 – 2012 Is it more than a Prediction? Is it the End?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/2012-is-it-more-than-a-prediction-is-it-the-end/

2012 – 2012 Are you truly Alone? Where is the Savior?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/24/2012-are-you-truly-alone-where-is-the-savior/

2012 – 2012: Facing the Religion of Self

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/2012-facing-the-religion-of-self/

February 2012

2012 – 2012: What Does it Mean to Live Absolute?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/2012-what-does-it-mean-to-live-absolute/

2012 – 2012:  Will You Survive the Financial Collapse?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/2012-will-you-survive-the-financial-collapse/

2012 – Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth:  Did I take that seriously?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/2012-eckhart-tolles-new-earth-did-i-take-that-seriously/

2012 – History of the Interdimentional Portal

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/history-of-the-interdimentional-porta/

March 2012

2012 – Wayne Dyer’s ‘Power of Intention’ What Purpose Does it Serve?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/2012-wayne-dyers-the-power-of-intention-what-purpose-does-it-serve/

2012 – Economics: Ownership: The Lie that Kills

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/05/economics-ownership-the-lie-that-kills/

2012 – Secrets of Masturbation: Why even talk about it? Isn’t anything private anymore?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/secrets-of-masturbation-why-even-talk-about-this-isnt-anything-private-anymore/

2012 – ‘A Course in Miracles’ :  The miracle did nothing to improve my life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/2012-a-course-in-miracles-the-miracle-did-not-improve-my-life/

2012 – Voices in the Mind are Deception Not a Higher Power

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/voices-in-the-mind-are-deception-not-a-higher-power/

April 2012

2012 – W. Dyer:  Looking at “The Power Of Intention”

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/w-dyer-looking-at-the-power-of-intention/

2012 – Re-defining Education:  Social Develpment 1 to 6 months

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/re-education-social-development-1-to-6-months/

2012 – Healing Resentment: I’m So Pissed at My Husband!

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/healing-resentment-im-so-pissed-at-my-husband/

2012 – Sandy’s Journey To Life:  Day 1:  Resistance

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/sandys-journey-to-life-day-1-resistance/

2012 – Sandy’s Journey To Life:  Day 2:  Failed Relationships

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/sandys-journey-to-life-day-2-failed-relationships/

May 2012

2012 – Day 3:  I Hate that Rich Bitch:  Facing Jealousy, Regret, Spite

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/05/07/day-3-i-hate-that-rich-bitch-jealousy-regret-spite/

2012   Day 4: Failed Relationships: Facing My Father

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/day-4-failed-relationships-beginning-facing-my-father/

2012 – Day 5: Failed Relationships: Facing my Father 2

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/13/day-5-failed-relationships-facing-my-father-2/

2012 – Day 6: Failed Realtionships: My Mom: Being Bitchy to Store Clerks and My Partner

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/day-6-failed-relationships-my-mom/

2012 – Day 7: Facing my Father 3 : Little Girls are Inferior

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/day-7-facing-my-father-3-little-girls-are-inferior/

2012 – Day 8:  Failed Relationships: Rushing

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/23/day-8-failed-relationships-rushing/

2012 – Day 9: Personality Patterns: I Am Mom

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/26/day-9-personality-patterns-i-am-mom/

2012 – Day 10: Personality Patterns: I Am Mom the Protector

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/28/day-10-my-mom-personality-cont/

June 2012

2012 – Day 11: Mom as the possession of Worry

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/day-11-personalities-mom-as-the-possession-of-worry/

2012 – Day 12: Me as Mom: Summer Camp for the Rich

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/day-12-me-as-mom-summer-camp-for-the-rich/

2012 – Day 13: Facing Me as Mom: The Wicked Wealthy Ski Chalet

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/09/day-13-facing-personalities-mom-exclusive-ski-chalet/

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that magic-quantum time is possible. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I could handle reality in quantum time (instant manifestation of a thought or the spoken word). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear when I think of actually being responsible for quantum time, lol I’d have the whole world gone a ‘poof’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as and within continual timeloops as time as energy, going in circular within life as I exist in and as the mind, never slowing down enough to be a real creator of my world/reality but running in circles, no matter if I do things ‘differently’, with always the same outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually add more and more knowledge and information in and as my mind and not consider it is how I use this information-move and effect an outcome with and as it- (not whether I understand it) that is key to not ending up back at the beginning, over and over to infinity, so not really expanding, becoming, creating myself beyond what /who I am now .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by fear 1000 times a day as I think, ‘damn, I’m getting older, I look older, I am tired because I’m older, I’m gaining weight because I’m older now, my hair is more grey, my knee hurts because of my age as older, I shouldn’t do x because I am older now, the women at the school are younger, they look better, I’ll move to a smaller house with no mortgage because I’m getting older, …… ( Note: these thoughts are layered…but they are they, it is indeed extensive!) so forever being enslaved/trapped in my mind in a story, sequence of pre-programmed events of a ‘lifetime’ and never being /experiencing/creating LIFE as me , who I am ‘here’ in each breath, as one and equal to all that exist!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a picture in a picture world and myself as a story in a timeline, as a seed with the timeline rolled up within it (taken from a Desteni vlog, lol, fascinating) and as the timeline unravels and the seed grows, it indeed has an end, and I as the story, end… who made that nasty bit up?!  Lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the patterns my mind has trapped me into,  closed patterns, as in a circle, not really learning/growing/evolving but compromising myself more and more, letting ‘things beyond my control’ go because I am powerless, and after all people don’t like/won’t like me ‘if I’m like that ‘ as in difficult to be around because I question the way human beings exist on this planet–because I am getting older and only have so much time, and apparently ‘energy’ so I get tired more, so ‘let the young ones change the world’ too late for me’ and I abdicate my responsibility for the state of this world as a protector/stuart of this world because of a goddamn story line/timeline to which I am bound and ‘helpless’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be duped by my ego and directed by fear of loss, believing in my ‘personality’, thinking, ‘I don’t want them not to like me, I’ll be lonely, unhappy, desolate, friendless and perhaps I will need them and I may become poor and homeless and OMG I NEED them, I’ll shut up.’ and so not speak up about the atrocities I see in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that time-quantum time or earth/space time-is all energy and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I cannot live without energy, I am energy, I am light’ regulating the movement of and as knowledge and information / the unfolding of events in space/time within vibration=energy.

Note: I embrace this process not from a starting point of blame but responsibility. I love and respect my parents and siblings, more so after having started this process of awareness and self realization (my father has passed on). I participate in this self forgiveness, as another, on my parents behalf knowing we are one and equal, to once and for all eradicate the ‘sins of the father’ so we never again have all this crap downloaded into us and we may birth ourselves as life in the physical. My parents were not at fault, my father and mother will have to go through their own process so they can become life and express who they really are, awesome expressions when free from they systems they became here!

Father:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children the emotional support they needed growing up.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children physical contact in hugging, holding them and not enough time engaging them and participating, attending events or being physically present enough in the home. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my children as a punching bag when I was stressed in that I bullied them verbally, criticizing, frightening them instead of acquiring the parental skills I needed to be a supportive, effective parent .  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in excess in the home knowing my personality changed when I drank and I treated my children cruelly and humiliated them in front of my friends, relatives and each other. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in the home  presenting to my children it is ‘normal’ ‘acceptable’ to drink alcohol even though I knew alcoholism ran rampant within our family ‘tree’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not talk to my children about the dangers of alcohol consumption. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put Sandy in a ‘box’/role of the quiet one/no trouble/good student/independant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare Sandy and P. her brother, humiliating P., saying he costs more money to the family, he is not smart like her, he causes them to worry and she doesn’t.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware that Sandy heard this, in the isolation of her room and it was verbally abusive to both S. and P. and harmed both of them.

Mother:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present to my daughter that being financially dependent on a husband was ‘normal’ and ‘safe’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not intervene when my husband was ‘picking’ on one of our children, unless it got really ‘ugly’ or physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it was ‘better to not speak up’ to defend my children but ‘safer’ for myself and the children to allow my husband be the ‘boss’ of the house (his role) because I was afraid for our survival if I spoke up and my marriage ended. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let ‘experience’ (the past-her mother was booted out of the house when she was 11 years old and she never saw her again!) dictate to me how I should behave in the present when it was obvious my husband was abusing our children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my daughter in a box/role and if she managed to wriggle out of it I had to put her in another one (easy child, no trouble, quiet…then business woman…wife/mother…troubled single mom trying to be a songwriter WTF…rebel with ‘silly’ ideas how she can change the world for the better/well meaning and kind) based on self interest so I can make sense of the world and live in ‘peace’ with ‘order’ this is who she is/this is who he is/this is the way the world is and I accept it without question, I do not speak up and ask for change, I have money and I am comfortable, I give to charity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my daughter as weak, a failure when she needed money when she was a single mom, as I believed she should be strong and independent anyway, ‘soldier on’ ‘be quiet, work hard and society will reward you, then marry again and you will be safe’ as it worked for me and it should work for Sandy.

Eldest Brother: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Sandy as a rebel, pain in the ass, going against society to an extreme extent and not being quiet and upsetting me as in making me question my own beliefs.

Sister: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe my sister is wrong for ‘borrowing’ money from our parents and she should survive without their help.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Sandy is wrong/small/putting it out there for me to see that I ‘got’ the cottage because my husband and I could afford it ( the rich get richer). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ‘mean’ to Sandy when we were children, excluding her just because she was younger and making fun of her/picking on/humiliating her ‘just because I could’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am superior to Sandy because I chose the ‘right’ husband and she chose a man like our Dad, for excitement and because he was good looking, then she complained and became poor when the marriage didn’t work out, her fault, now she has nothing and is jealous of me, tough, life worked out for me because I was smart and she was not and that is how it is, I agree with my mom, be quiet Sandy and ‘soldier on’.

Family System: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the very manifestation of separateness of human beings into small self serving groups. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system that destroys the support of community, for parents of young children and elderly people, so All as One do not take the responsibility for raising the children of our world and supporting and caring for the elderly and as such much abuse takes place within ‘households’ as families in isolation from the rest of society, as a whole. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive human beings into believing ‘blood runs thicker than water’, that ‘specialness’ is real and exists and is ‘right’ to treat some human beings one way and other humans being another way , not as equal, not as one family but each family looks after ‘it’s own’ and passes money/assets down from one generation to the next, as in ‘family money’ which leads to more separation, indifference to the suffering of others and strictly living within self interest.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ‘sins of the father’ downloading all the information of the mother and father and generations past into each and every new born child on earth, all of this information exists as files that activate as thoughts , feelings, and emotions within the un/sub/conscious mind, which the being believes to be them, it is not.

Sex System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the birthing process, of new human beings being born into this world,be excruciatingly painful for women to endure.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have women to have to endure a monthly bleeding process as part of the reproduction process required for women to be able to conceive/become pregnant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse human beings by having the orgasm experience, as a necessary part of reproduction, be so pleasurable, that they abuse it by becoming obsessed at having to experience this ‘euphoria’ as much as possible in irresponsible ways that harms other human beings, often vulnerable women and children. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation responsible for deception in a marriage that leads to ‘heartbreak’, suicide, bankruptcy, and the break up of families leaving innocent family members vulnerable to much harm and emotional unstability.

Education System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation of a system that many follow/trust in innocents not knowing how they are being controlled by the few in power, elite/governments, directing them to become another unit in the money system, controlling what ‘job’ career they will engage in, how much they will earn and enslaving them to being wage earners and consumers, not having time to express who they really are as ‘life’ ‘here’ but continually stuck in their minds ‘worrying’ about how they will pay the bills, afford this and that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bore human beings with vast amount of useless knowledge and information they are told they have to memorize, theorize, write about, figure, that they do not need and this occupies them so they do not even questions the ‘wisdom’ of all the time and effort it takes and they do not see what needs to be done in this world to bring about a life that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be equally available = affordable to all thus contributing to the vast separation of human beings within geography, family they are born into, genetics-some are born (programmed) ‘lucky’ ‘talented’ ‘gifted’ and others average or deemed ‘dumb’ ‘learning disabled’ and have no/little chance at receiving me and thus a very difficult life and cannot earn sufficient money to support themselves or their families.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be part of a system of heirachy and engage human beings in their minds as ego, as in emotions of superiority, better-than, snobbery according  to which of my institutions they or their family member attended, knowing full well their money got them there and others do not have the same/equal advantage.

Government System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest in different ‘countries’ in separation and not one cooperative world government. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control people through fear of reprisal/punishment if they challenge me , question my authority and power, report deception, report criminal behavior, gather to discuss alternatives to my rule.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess certain human being minds to the point of demonizing them so that they completely dominate, rule over with an iron fist, a group of people in  a way that is not best for all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system people/groups/countries hide behind as ‘democratic’ when it is clearly small groups of people claiming all the wealth=power and all the fruits of this earth while the masses suffer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make certain things illegal that could bring much health and stability to a population, for example making it so very difficult for entrepeneurs to bring new ideas to the ‘market’ such as health alternatives/advancements and making other substances, for example alcohol,  legal and readily available to the masses of world populations, knowing I am sedating them to keep them occupied and ‘dumbed down’ so they are quiet and easily controlled.

Music/Entertainment System/Sports System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prop people up, making them ‘larger than life’ so they receive huge sums of money=wealth, power, movement while others live in extreme poverty and die of starvation each day just because they sing ‘well’ or act as a character in a story ‘well’, or run fast or throw a ball well, or write a ‘good’ story.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess the human mind to the extent I demonize them through their ego with feelings of self importance, justification with self interest above all else, entitlement, superiority, dominance, greed, power, conceit, vanity, believing they are ‘chosen’ by ‘god’ to live a ‘privileged’ life so it is justified they have so much money and can do and buy whatever they want even if they have 20 cars and 10 houses and they know others have nothing!  They are favored by god, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of sitting on my Mom’s knee with my sister beside me bring up the thought, ” My Mom is nice, I feel safe with her as she was quite consistent in her behavior toward me and my siblings, she was a kind parent.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of sitting beside my Mom, on a christmas eve, reading ‘the night before christmas’ as we did each year bringing up the thought, ‘I felt safe and warm and comforted by this ritual with my Mom, she made christmas ‘special’ and fun, I felt/feel loved by her.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my Mom in a classroom full of young girls where she was the teacher of an after school class, bringing up the thought, ‘All the girl, and my friends, like my Mom and think I am ‘lucky’ to have such a nice Mom. I am proud of her as she is the teacher of a ‘fun’ class, not ‘real’ school. They are right, she is a ‘good’ parent. I feel ‘happy’ and secure with her.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my parents before one of their parties, my Mom putting on make-up as I watched in the bathroom bringing up the thought, ‘She looks so pretty in her beautiful, sparkly dress that she made, I will put on make-up when I am older and look pretty too.’ and ‘I am happy that my Dad is happy and silly dancing around before his friends get here. He is always in a good mood before a party. I feel happy because I am safe with him now, he is not mean and drunk and picking on me or my bothers and sister.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being at the cottage in the winter, my Dad unpacking the car after shoveling his way into the cottage and my Mom unpacking boxes in that are on the kitchen table, the sound of my Dad pouring  the coal into the little stove as it slowly heats up the little charming cottage on a freezing cold Ontario winter night bringing up the thought, ‘It’s fun at the cottage. I feel safe with my Dad as he is not drunk and in a ‘good’ mood because it is christmas holidays. He loves the cottage and is happy when we come here. I love playing with my dog and cat and cousins at the cottage. We play ‘spoons’ and laugh alot as the adult play bridge in the other cottage. We go skiing and tobogganing and ski-doing,  make snow forts, eat icicles, have snowball fights and it is so fun. I am safe/safer here at the cottage than at home.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of lying in bed at the cottage being cold, in the middle of the night and  hearing that familiar sound of my Dad pouring in the coal into the stove and then jumping into bed with my parents, in between them and being warm and cozy bringing up the thought, ‘My Mom and Dad keep me warm, I feel safe my Mom is here, I can sleep now.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my parents good friends at the cottage, drinking and laughing and having a good time with each other and all the kids, playing games, roasting a pig, singing at the bonfire, drinking, being down at the dock in their bathing suits, swimming, going for a boat ride, sailing, bbq-ing, helping my Dad, bringing up the thought, ‘I like my parents friends, they have fun, they like to drink, they have fun when they drink, it is a part of the day and makes it more fun, they are nice to me and silly and laugh alot, I like to play with their children, it is good and safe here at the cottage, my parents a re happy when they are with their friends, this is what adults do and it is good, my Dad is happy and nice when his friends are here, I feel more safe when his friends are here.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being at L and P’s cottage with the kids at their beach and we are swimming and sea-doing and decided to be innocent like the kids and be nudists for the week, bringing up the thought, ‘I was so ‘happy’ at their cottage, so free and felt so safe, they ‘think’ the same way I do and we explored so many topics of how to be effective parents and human beings and laughed and read and relaxed and ate well and exercised. I wish I could live like that always. They were good friends. They are wealthy and that is what wealth in this world offers, the time and ability to express oneself in self honesty. I wish I could do that everyday and everyone could. It is sad I no longer see them.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being at the ‘chalet’, when I was married to my children’s father, with his family bring up the thought, ‘It was so relaxing and I felt so safe being with C’s family. They have a lot of money and I felt safe knowing I would ‘inherit’ this money and this lifestyle. I miss the community of this family unit and the fun playing games, skiing, drinking, laughing, eating expensive food, being in opulent surroundings.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my Mom ‘tucking’ me in each night when I was a young girl saying, ‘Night, night, don’t let the bed bugs bite’, bringing up the thought, ‘I love/respect my Mom. I always felt ‘loved’ and cared for and safe each night she tucked me in with these words and a kiss. I am glad I repeated this ‘tradition (not the phrase) and spent time at my children’s bedtime to read them a story,  talk to them, cuddle and tuck them in, even if I was drinking.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of myself as a little girl saying my nightly prayers in my little bed in my little room feeling safe and cozy and thanking ‘god’ that everyone was safe and everything was ‘ok’, bring up the thought, ‘I wish life was that simple and innocent now.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car with my parents and siblings driving in a neighborhood that had smaller houses (probably in the city, I grew up in the suburbs) and thinking, ‘I don’t like these little, old houses, they are ugly. I am lucky and safe my family has money and it is good because we have a big, pretty house and no problems, money is good and important. I don’t like apartments. I feel sorry for families who have no money and have to live in an ugly apartment. My dad is a doctor (chiropractor) and it is good because he makes a lot of money and we don’t have to live like that.’ Note: very naive ‘thoughts’, I understand that now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my father in his office (I worked there a few summers/holidays) and thinking, “My dad is a good chiropractor, he is kind and generous to people who can’t afford his service. His patients love him, I love him for that.  He is ‘happy/content’ in his work place, it is important to like your job like he does. I like being here, it is productive and a warm atmosphere. He makes a lot of money quite easily, that is a very good thing for our family. I am glad he gives to charity so it is ok our family has everything and more.’ Note: total self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of our family driving/walking to church Sunday mornings, hearing my Dad sing the hymns, he often exaggerated his voice to be ‘funny’, and thinking, ‘Church is boring but my Dad is ‘happy’ here so I’ll be quiet and not complain like my brothers and sister. He is fun and light hearted here and comforted because my grandpa was a minister and it brings back memories of his childhood seeing/hearing his Dad at the front of the church. I like my grandparents. I don’t get church, oh well.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of christmases up north with my grandparents and cousins in my grandparents tiny home or at the Inn we would gather for a dinner and thinking, ‘That was so much fun seeing everyone and receiving gifts, sleeping over at my cousins and having home made egg nog sunday morning before going to church where my grandfather would often be the minister. I like all these people and feel safe with them. The adults don’t drink in front of my grandparents because my grandmother thinks alcohol is of the devil, that is so funny and all the kids laugh about it and we laugh at all her ‘old fashion’ ideas and it is snowy and there are pretty christmas lights everywhere and school is out soon for two weeks. I like my life. I like it that my dad does not drink here. He is nice when he doesn’t drink. I feel safe when he doesn’t drink. Everyone likes him when he doesn’t drink. I wish he would never drink.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink ‘alcoholically’ for ten years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by fear and think ‘this is an overwhelming topic and I can never possibly get through it.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me not hear the voices in my head and I’ll be able to live and sleep enough to get by.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me keep my children so no one will know I’ve gone insane.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of sadness at starting this exercise and think, ‘No wonder I was putting it off, it’s terrible remembering all this horror.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I need to drink before I go out to a social event or on a date so I’ll be more relaxed, have more fun, be myself’, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind and a memory of crawling up the stairs, one stair at a  time slowly and thinking, ‘I’m not going to make it’ and pausing for several minutes on each stair because I was so loaded and to have this memory exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and picture exist in my mind within and as me of being in the bathtub and continually passing out and coming to gasping for air and thinking, ‘I gotta get outta this tub, I could drown’ and doing this over and over for I do not know how long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of me choking over the sink or toilet from vomit and thinking, ‘I don’t think I’m gonna make it, I can’t catch my breath’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture and memory exist within my mind , existing within and as me,  of throwing up or gagging over the kitchen sink and then drinking more, thinking ‘that’s ok, no big deal, I can keep this down, its ok, I gotta keep this down…fuck, I gotta be able to drink this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have a picture of my daughter crying exist in my mind and a memory of her and my son at her birthday dinner when I said , ‘I wish I could kill myself sometimes’ . What a total asshole, I sobered up right away (instantly) and apologized, not that that makes it ‘better’ but it was a start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and a picture exist in my mind of driving with my children with a ‘traveller’ = booze so  drinking and driving and drinking while driving endangering myself, my children and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of getting up one morning and looking in the mirror and being horrified as a blood vessel had broke in my eye and I looked like I had been beaten up, the whites of my eyes were yellow, I was bloated and bruised on my arms and legs and did not know why (except I knew alcohol thins the blood so you bruise ‘easily’) , I could not stand up straight and threw up and crawled back into bed. And then the thought, “OMG I look like I’ve been beaten, oh yeah, I have, by myself.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ” I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will Jaclyn and Garrett do with out me?  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll stop tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be directed by the emotion of guilt and self pity and self hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done. How have I harmed my children?’ when it is a waste of time and my children see me contributing to ‘society’ and within Desteni each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her ‘once again’ how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’  and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this , the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt Jaclyn and I was suppose to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Garrett sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor Garrett. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is lazy now. He sits in front of his computer all day now. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of Garrett’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back because I had blacked out and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bring up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love Garrett. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’ Whenever I have this memory now, I stop, I breath. It is a waste of time to go over it again and again in my mind. I do not drink now and Garrett is ok and I am grateful for that.  I get on with my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and Jaclyn taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. she asked what it was and I said something like ‘it is a special drink for adults don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt and shame and regret to bring up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I wreaked of booze through my pores. I was often sweaty and shaky.

**********************

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, at the bar smoking.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of some of the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, many of them were kind, I just used them to feed my sorry ego, I often became physical with them and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I did not even remember them and I would brush them off, sometimes insensitively as I was often hung over.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to these men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across super friendly/somewhat flirty/strong, confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, sad lol. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my cousin one christmas at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idoit, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face. Her father died of alcoholism and they did not have as much money, growing up, as the other cousins and now she has positioned herself so she has ‘it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck her, I hate the bitch.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin hugging me/consoling me after she heard I got horribly drunk at my parents 50th wedding anniversary party that she could not attend, bringing up the thought, ‘L. is very sweet to stand up for me. I am very embarrassed. I guess everyone knows what happened.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin, who is an alcoholic, pouring hard liquor down his throat in the forest by the cottage (my family’s cottage and his were beside each other) and passing out.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Poor M. he is a ‘severe’ alcoholic and cannot drink. He seems miserable and fucked up.He should go to AA (alcoholics anonymous) as it would help him learn how to live sober.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in W’s kitchen, as she offered to watch my kids when I went to a AA meeting, her house being large and incredibly opulent and thinking, ‘Her husband is so successful and decent and handsome. She never has to worry about money. I wonder how that feels? I wish I could feel that. I am such a pathetic loser. I married the wrong man, she was smart, she married the ‘right’ man. Oh god, get this over with. I can’t wait to get home and drink. Stupid bitch, she thinks it so simple with her ‘help’, its just one meeting, tomorrow who is going to watch the kids? No one and I will drink, oh fuck what a loser. Look at all she has , it is so beautiful and comfortable here, my kids love it here. Just get through this and home soon and drink, thank god… soon.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by regret, shame, guilt, self-hate, humiliation, fear, jealousy, confusion, self-pity bring up the thought, ‘What does she think, one meeting is going to change anything. I know it won’t. Just go and come back and get your kids and get them out of her clutches of ‘we have so much, abundance and you don’t’ and get home so you can drink.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m never going to get through this, it’s too much, it’s not going to change anything. I should be making money.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having no regard for my physical health. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and instead put my ‘faith’ in my ‘higher power’=my mind and follow it’s ‘guidance’.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust and therefore my actions outside of myself in others and the idea of a ‘higher power’ in total separation of myself and my world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize my alcoholism and instead live/exists in total self-pity and self-victimization, not taking responsibility and empowering myself with my own ability to change my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, “Life should not be something you just ‘get through'” and doubted sticking to my guns ( my decision to not re-enter the work force because I did not believe in the world money/business systems) but instead ‘felt’ defeated by the world and wondered if everyone else was ‘right’ and I should just get a regular job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate the responsibility for the health of my human physical body to… what? Chance, luck, doctors, miracles, money, god, spirits, prayer, hope.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt what I have questioned (although way back in my mind, didn’t think I had the right to question) throughout my life; why shouldn’t I be in complete control of my physical human body, why don’t I know what’s going on with my body, who designed this, it sucks, it should be changed so human’s are not such prisoners in their bodies, it should be a delight to exist, not so precarious and frightening, every time you walk out the door something can kill you. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my right to ask these questions in fearing the creator would think I was ungrateful and therefore undeserving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking , ‘No wonder I drank, life sucked, I’d rather be drunk than have to submit to the world systems. Thank god for Desteni.’

I will end this blog for now. May publish a continuation.