Posts Tagged ‘clothing’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that magic-quantum time is possible. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I could handle reality in quantum time (instant manifestation of a thought or the spoken word). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear when I think of actually being responsible for quantum time, lol I’d have the whole world gone a ‘poof’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as and within continual timeloops as time as energy, going in circular within life as I exist in and as the mind, never slowing down enough to be a real creator of my world/reality but running in circles, no matter if I do things ‘differently’, with always the same outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually add more and more knowledge and information in and as my mind and not consider it is how I use this information-move and effect an outcome with and as it- (not whether I understand it) that is key to not ending up back at the beginning, over and over to infinity, so not really expanding, becoming, creating myself beyond what /who I am now .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by fear 1000 times a day as I think, ‘damn, I’m getting older, I look older, I am tired because I’m older, I’m gaining weight because I’m older now, my hair is more grey, my knee hurts because of my age as older, I shouldn’t do x because I am older now, the women at the school are younger, they look better, I’ll move to a smaller house with no mortgage because I’m getting older, …… ( Note: these thoughts are layered…but they are they, it is indeed extensive!) so forever being enslaved/trapped in my mind in a story, sequence of pre-programmed events of a ‘lifetime’ and never being /experiencing/creating LIFE as me , who I am ‘here’ in each breath, as one and equal to all that exist!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a picture in a picture world and myself as a story in a timeline, as a seed with the timeline rolled up within it (taken from a Desteni vlog, lol, fascinating) and as the timeline unravels and the seed grows, it indeed has an end, and I as the story, end… who made that nasty bit up?!  Lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the patterns my mind has trapped me into,  closed patterns, as in a circle, not really learning/growing/evolving but compromising myself more and more, letting ‘things beyond my control’ go because I am powerless, and after all people don’t like/won’t like me ‘if I’m like that ‘ as in difficult to be around because I question the way human beings exist on this planet–because I am getting older and only have so much time, and apparently ‘energy’ so I get tired more, so ‘let the young ones change the world’ too late for me’ and I abdicate my responsibility for the state of this world as a protector/stuart of this world because of a goddamn story line/timeline to which I am bound and ‘helpless’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be duped by my ego and directed by fear of loss, believing in my ‘personality’, thinking, ‘I don’t want them not to like me, I’ll be lonely, unhappy, desolate, friendless and perhaps I will need them and I may become poor and homeless and OMG I NEED them, I’ll shut up.’ and so not speak up about the atrocities I see in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that time-quantum time or earth/space time-is all energy and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I cannot live without energy, I am energy, I am light’ regulating the movement of and as knowledge and information / the unfolding of events in space/time within vibration=energy.

Note: I embrace this process not from a starting point of blame but responsibility. I love and respect my parents and siblings, more so after having started this process of awareness and self realization (my father has passed on). I participate in this self forgiveness, as another, on my parents behalf knowing we are one and equal, to once and for all eradicate the ‘sins of the father’ so we never again have all this crap downloaded into us and we may birth ourselves as life in the physical. My parents were not at fault, my father and mother will have to go through their own process so they can become life and express who they really are, awesome expressions when free from they systems they became here!

Father:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children the emotional support they needed growing up.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children physical contact in hugging, holding them and not enough time engaging them and participating, attending events or being physically present enough in the home. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my children as a punching bag when I was stressed in that I bullied them verbally, criticizing, frightening them instead of acquiring the parental skills I needed to be a supportive, effective parent .  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in excess in the home knowing my personality changed when I drank and I treated my children cruelly and humiliated them in front of my friends, relatives and each other. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in the home  presenting to my children it is ‘normal’ ‘acceptable’ to drink alcohol even though I knew alcoholism ran rampant within our family ‘tree’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not talk to my children about the dangers of alcohol consumption. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put Sandy in a ‘box’/role of the quiet one/no trouble/good student/independant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare Sandy and P. her brother, humiliating P., saying he costs more money to the family, he is not smart like her, he causes them to worry and she doesn’t.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware that Sandy heard this, in the isolation of her room and it was verbally abusive to both S. and P. and harmed both of them.

Mother:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present to my daughter that being financially dependent on a husband was ‘normal’ and ‘safe’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not intervene when my husband was ‘picking’ on one of our children, unless it got really ‘ugly’ or physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it was ‘better to not speak up’ to defend my children but ‘safer’ for myself and the children to allow my husband be the ‘boss’ of the house (his role) because I was afraid for our survival if I spoke up and my marriage ended. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let ‘experience’ (the past-her mother was booted out of the house when she was 11 years old and she never saw her again!) dictate to me how I should behave in the present when it was obvious my husband was abusing our children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my daughter in a box/role and if she managed to wriggle out of it I had to put her in another one (easy child, no trouble, quiet…then business woman…wife/mother…troubled single mom trying to be a songwriter WTF…rebel with ‘silly’ ideas how she can change the world for the better/well meaning and kind) based on self interest so I can make sense of the world and live in ‘peace’ with ‘order’ this is who she is/this is who he is/this is the way the world is and I accept it without question, I do not speak up and ask for change, I have money and I am comfortable, I give to charity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my daughter as weak, a failure when she needed money when she was a single mom, as I believed she should be strong and independent anyway, ‘soldier on’ ‘be quiet, work hard and society will reward you, then marry again and you will be safe’ as it worked for me and it should work for Sandy.

Eldest Brother: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Sandy as a rebel, pain in the ass, going against society to an extreme extent and not being quiet and upsetting me as in making me question my own beliefs.

Sister: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe my sister is wrong for ‘borrowing’ money from our parents and she should survive without their help.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Sandy is wrong/small/putting it out there for me to see that I ‘got’ the cottage because my husband and I could afford it ( the rich get richer). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ‘mean’ to Sandy when we were children, excluding her just because she was younger and making fun of her/picking on/humiliating her ‘just because I could’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am superior to Sandy because I chose the ‘right’ husband and she chose a man like our Dad, for excitement and because he was good looking, then she complained and became poor when the marriage didn’t work out, her fault, now she has nothing and is jealous of me, tough, life worked out for me because I was smart and she was not and that is how it is, I agree with my mom, be quiet Sandy and ‘soldier on’.

Family System: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the very manifestation of separateness of human beings into small self serving groups. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system that destroys the support of community, for parents of young children and elderly people, so All as One do not take the responsibility for raising the children of our world and supporting and caring for the elderly and as such much abuse takes place within ‘households’ as families in isolation from the rest of society, as a whole. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive human beings into believing ‘blood runs thicker than water’, that ‘specialness’ is real and exists and is ‘right’ to treat some human beings one way and other humans being another way , not as equal, not as one family but each family looks after ‘it’s own’ and passes money/assets down from one generation to the next, as in ‘family money’ which leads to more separation, indifference to the suffering of others and strictly living within self interest.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ‘sins of the father’ downloading all the information of the mother and father and generations past into each and every new born child on earth, all of this information exists as files that activate as thoughts , feelings, and emotions within the un/sub/conscious mind, which the being believes to be them, it is not.

Sex System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the birthing process, of new human beings being born into this world,be excruciatingly painful for women to endure.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have women to have to endure a monthly bleeding process as part of the reproduction process required for women to be able to conceive/become pregnant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse human beings by having the orgasm experience, as a necessary part of reproduction, be so pleasurable, that they abuse it by becoming obsessed at having to experience this ‘euphoria’ as much as possible in irresponsible ways that harms other human beings, often vulnerable women and children. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation responsible for deception in a marriage that leads to ‘heartbreak’, suicide, bankruptcy, and the break up of families leaving innocent family members vulnerable to much harm and emotional unstability.

Education System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation of a system that many follow/trust in innocents not knowing how they are being controlled by the few in power, elite/governments, directing them to become another unit in the money system, controlling what ‘job’ career they will engage in, how much they will earn and enslaving them to being wage earners and consumers, not having time to express who they really are as ‘life’ ‘here’ but continually stuck in their minds ‘worrying’ about how they will pay the bills, afford this and that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bore human beings with vast amount of useless knowledge and information they are told they have to memorize, theorize, write about, figure, that they do not need and this occupies them so they do not even questions the ‘wisdom’ of all the time and effort it takes and they do not see what needs to be done in this world to bring about a life that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be equally available = affordable to all thus contributing to the vast separation of human beings within geography, family they are born into, genetics-some are born (programmed) ‘lucky’ ‘talented’ ‘gifted’ and others average or deemed ‘dumb’ ‘learning disabled’ and have no/little chance at receiving me and thus a very difficult life and cannot earn sufficient money to support themselves or their families.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be part of a system of heirachy and engage human beings in their minds as ego, as in emotions of superiority, better-than, snobbery according  to which of my institutions they or their family member attended, knowing full well their money got them there and others do not have the same/equal advantage.

Government System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest in different ‘countries’ in separation and not one cooperative world government. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control people through fear of reprisal/punishment if they challenge me , question my authority and power, report deception, report criminal behavior, gather to discuss alternatives to my rule.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess certain human being minds to the point of demonizing them so that they completely dominate, rule over with an iron fist, a group of people in  a way that is not best for all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system people/groups/countries hide behind as ‘democratic’ when it is clearly small groups of people claiming all the wealth=power and all the fruits of this earth while the masses suffer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make certain things illegal that could bring much health and stability to a population, for example making it so very difficult for entrepeneurs to bring new ideas to the ‘market’ such as health alternatives/advancements and making other substances, for example alcohol,  legal and readily available to the masses of world populations, knowing I am sedating them to keep them occupied and ‘dumbed down’ so they are quiet and easily controlled.

Music/Entertainment System/Sports System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prop people up, making them ‘larger than life’ so they receive huge sums of money=wealth, power, movement while others live in extreme poverty and die of starvation each day just because they sing ‘well’ or act as a character in a story ‘well’, or run fast or throw a ball well, or write a ‘good’ story.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess the human mind to the extent I demonize them through their ego with feelings of self importance, justification with self interest above all else, entitlement, superiority, dominance, greed, power, conceit, vanity, believing they are ‘chosen’ by ‘god’ to live a ‘privileged’ life so it is justified they have so much money and can do and buy whatever they want even if they have 20 cars and 10 houses and they know others have nothing!  They are favored by god, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink ‘alcoholically’ for ten years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by fear and think ‘this is an overwhelming topic and I can never possibly get through it.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me not hear the voices in my head and I’ll be able to live and sleep enough to get by.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me keep my children so no one will know I’ve gone insane.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of sadness at starting this exercise and think, ‘No wonder I was putting it off, it’s terrible remembering all this horror.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I need to drink before I go out to a social event or on a date so I’ll be more relaxed, have more fun, be myself’, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind and a memory of crawling up the stairs, one stair at a  time slowly and thinking, ‘I’m not going to make it’ and pausing for several minutes on each stair because I was so loaded and to have this memory exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and picture exist in my mind within and as me of being in the bathtub and continually passing out and coming to gasping for air and thinking, ‘I gotta get outta this tub, I could drown’ and doing this over and over for I do not know how long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of me choking over the sink or toilet from vomit and thinking, ‘I don’t think I’m gonna make it, I can’t catch my breath’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture and memory exist within my mind , existing within and as me,  of throwing up or gagging over the kitchen sink and then drinking more, thinking ‘that’s ok, no big deal, I can keep this down, its ok, I gotta keep this down…fuck, I gotta be able to drink this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have a picture of my daughter crying exist in my mind and a memory of her and my son at her birthday dinner when I said , ‘I wish I could kill myself sometimes’ . What a total asshole, I sobered up right away (instantly) and apologized, not that that makes it ‘better’ but it was a start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and a picture exist in my mind of driving with my children with a ‘traveller’ = booze so  drinking and driving and drinking while driving endangering myself, my children and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of getting up one morning and looking in the mirror and being horrified as a blood vessel had broke in my eye and I looked like I had been beaten up, the whites of my eyes were yellow, I was bloated and bruised on my arms and legs and did not know why (except I knew alcohol thins the blood so you bruise ‘easily’) , I could not stand up straight and threw up and crawled back into bed. And then the thought, “OMG I look like I’ve been beaten, oh yeah, I have, by myself.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ” I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will Jaclyn and Garrett do with out me?  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll stop tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be directed by the emotion of guilt and self pity and self hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done. How have I harmed my children?’ when it is a waste of time and my children see me contributing to ‘society’ and within Desteni each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her ‘once again’ how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’  and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this , the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt Jaclyn and I was suppose to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Garrett sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor Garrett. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is lazy now. He sits in front of his computer all day now. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of Garrett’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back because I had blacked out and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bring up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love Garrett. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’ Whenever I have this memory now, I stop, I breath. It is a waste of time to go over it again and again in my mind. I do not drink now and Garrett is ok and I am grateful for that.  I get on with my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and Jaclyn taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. she asked what it was and I said something like ‘it is a special drink for adults don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt and shame and regret to bring up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I wreaked of booze through my pores. I was often sweaty and shaky.

**********************

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, at the bar smoking.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of some of the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, many of them were kind, I just used them to feed my sorry ego, I often became physical with them and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I did not even remember them and I would brush them off, sometimes insensitively as I was often hung over.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to these men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across super friendly/somewhat flirty/strong, confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, sad lol. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my cousin one christmas at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idoit, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face. Her father died of alcoholism and they did not have as much money, growing up, as the other cousins and now she has positioned herself so she has ‘it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck her, I hate the bitch.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin hugging me/consoling me after she heard I got horribly drunk at my parents 50th wedding anniversary party that she could not attend, bringing up the thought, ‘L. is very sweet to stand up for me. I am very embarrassed. I guess everyone knows what happened.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin, who is an alcoholic, pouring hard liquor down his throat in the forest by the cottage (my family’s cottage and his were beside each other) and passing out.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Poor M. he is a ‘severe’ alcoholic and cannot drink. He seems miserable and fucked up.He should go to AA (alcoholics anonymous) as it would help him learn how to live sober.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in W’s kitchen, as she offered to watch my kids when I went to a AA meeting, her house being large and incredibly opulent and thinking, ‘Her husband is so successful and decent and handsome. She never has to worry about money. I wonder how that feels? I wish I could feel that. I am such a pathetic loser. I married the wrong man, she was smart, she married the ‘right’ man. Oh god, get this over with. I can’t wait to get home and drink. Stupid bitch, she thinks it so simple with her ‘help’, its just one meeting, tomorrow who is going to watch the kids? No one and I will drink, oh fuck what a loser. Look at all she has , it is so beautiful and comfortable here, my kids love it here. Just get through this and home soon and drink, thank god… soon.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by regret, shame, guilt, self-hate, humiliation, fear, jealousy, confusion, self-pity bring up the thought, ‘What does she think, one meeting is going to change anything. I know it won’t. Just go and come back and get your kids and get them out of her clutches of ‘we have so much, abundance and you don’t’ and get home so you can drink.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m never going to get through this, it’s too much, it’s not going to change anything. I should be making money.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having no regard for my physical health. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and instead put my ‘faith’ in my ‘higher power’=my mind and follow it’s ‘guidance’.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust and therefore my actions outside of myself in others and the idea of a ‘higher power’ in total separation of myself and my world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize my alcoholism and instead live/exists in total self-pity and self-victimization, not taking responsibility and empowering myself with my own ability to change my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, “Life should not be something you just ‘get through'” and doubted sticking to my guns ( my decision to not re-enter the work force because I did not believe in the world money/business systems) but instead ‘felt’ defeated by the world and wondered if everyone else was ‘right’ and I should just get a regular job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate the responsibility for the health of my human physical body to… what? Chance, luck, doctors, miracles, money, god, spirits, prayer, hope.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt what I have questioned (although way back in my mind, didn’t think I had the right to question) throughout my life; why shouldn’t I be in complete control of my physical human body, why don’t I know what’s going on with my body, who designed this, it sucks, it should be changed so human’s are not such prisoners in their bodies, it should be a delight to exist, not so precarious and frightening, every time you walk out the door something can kill you. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my right to ask these questions in fearing the creator would think I was ungrateful and therefore undeserving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking , ‘No wonder I drank, life sucked, I’d rather be drunk than have to submit to the world systems. Thank god for Desteni.’

I will end this blog for now. May publish a continuation.

No more ‘Occupy Wall Street’  form of protesting with the implementation of an Equal Money System (EMS).  As we have seen throughout history, this form of protesting does not accomplish what it sets out to do; bring about lasting and effective social change in creating a more just society.  It does make the world sit up and take notice that many people desire change for economic reform however, if a dictatorship in brought down, it is inevitably  replaced by military rule and eventually another form of dictatorship and in the democratic nations protesting on this scale has not resulted in sufficient action to change society systems  to enrich the lives of those so desperate for change.

So the lives of the average person stays the same or worsens as inflation increases, the rich still have the power and thus continue to get richer and the poor get poorer. Been there, done that and now we can buy the OWS T-shirt.

The ‘Occupy’ movements around the world have mostly been shut down, the government officials stating, ‘Ok, we tolerated your little display, now get out of the public park  and shut up. We have christmas shopping to do.’  The elite, powerful and rich do not care ‘enough’ about those who are suffering = they don’t give a shit. We have to act to enact change because they will not, they happen to like their slaves, which is ‘us’.

In an EMS no public protests will exist because all basic needs will be provided for. All will receive the same (not all look the same!), which will be all one needs; food, a home, required clothing, furnishings, all essential utilities such as heat, communication devices, transportation, education, vacation, medical services and supplies, etc. If one desires something ‘extra’ that is not a necessity, one can do physical labor to earn enough credits to acquire it!

No need to put yourself in harms way from the elements, police spraying pepper in your eyes or beating you and dragging you off to jail, government officials and the newscasters spewing nasty shit about you  just because you demand a dignified life for yourself and your family, the ‘public’ yelling at you to get off your lazy ass and get to work like the rest of them when you know damn well the cards were all stacked against you from day one and there is nothing you can do to ‘get out of jail’.

You have been heard, you are heard, please investigate EqualMoney.Org and Desteni.Org    Please join us.

Together we are millions and millions. Together we are strong. Equality IN FACT:  Nothing else is acceptable or tolerable.

Well that’s capitalism for you! Find a gap in the market and fill it. If it isn’t good for people but it makes you rich, who cares. If it doesn’t blatantly harm anyone (right away, not that is obvious) marvelous. Off you go, fill your coffers which is translates to ‘ take advantage of the middle and lower income population’.  A clear example of this is the fairly recent production of cheap glasses, perscription and reading glasses.

I wear contact lenses, I never saw the point in spending money on having both glasses and contacts so I was shocked and dismayed when my son, needing glasses for the first time at 20, went glasses hunting. It seems an average price for a  pair of glasses is about $350-$400 dollars. OMG I don’t have that kind of ‘extra’ money just lying around. Also new to me was how the frame and the lense is quoted separately, ‘well, the frame runs about 150 and the lense will be about 250’. WTF are you going to do with just the frame or just the lense, sounds scamish. So I went online and found some sites that were cheap, glasses-frame and lense!- for about 150. Is the quality as good, I bet not. I don’t feel good about it but he’ll have to buy better ones himself when he’s finished university and working or after his summer job. That’s just the way it is.

I cannot stand the irony when people with money, who have no idea what it is like to worry about one late bill one month of their entire life, let alone  not be able to pay your bills on time for most of your adult life, criticize us who work hard for very little, ‘why doesn’t someone in your mother’s house get you a decent pair of  glasses?’ How astute, the reason is because you are the only one who really has my son’t best interest at heart and we’re all just a bunch of selfish and stupid morons.

I buy my reading glasses at the dollar store, they cost well, one dollar. Perhaps it hasn’t been a very good idea because I notice my eye sight worsening. It’s a practical accounting dilemma.  Not smart but there just isn’t enough at the end of the pay cheque so we cut where we can.

In an equal money system there will no longer exist competition  as all goods will be available to all people equally. Profit and loss will therefore be eliminated. All products will be made to last with the best possible available materials. Only quality in an Equal Money System and available for all.

No more taking advantage of a ‘niche in the market’ by making a sub-standard product that will break down within a year (or less) and possibly do harm to a fellow human being- for profit!  No taking advantage of the large under privileged group of people to get rich and for ego, ‘Oh, look how successful I am. Look how important I am..blah, blah, blah.’  That’s deplorable behavior!

Only the best quality eye wear produced will be acceptable as we learn to exist as all as one as equals. Does your child deserve that? We are all one family of earthlings. Let’s start acting as such. Please investigate Equal Money.Org

According to Wikipedia as of this articles date BIG, a Basic Income Grant  is “…an unconditional government-insured guarantee that all citizens will have enough income to meet their basic needs.”

It will take several years of re-education before an Equal Money system is possible in this world. As everyone will agree, many, many people are suffering horribly on earth currently. So to alleviate the suffering and allow people the opportunity to  get out of a `survival`mentality, BIG will be sufficient to stabilize ones life. In fact the  Basic Income Grant is suggested and recommended  by those who advocate for an Equal Money System.

Once a person no longer has to focus just on survival as in  shelter, food, clothing, water one can expand ones awareness to just how extensive the abuse has become on earth.  With a basic income grant cost such as and including:  rent, mortgage, electricity, heat, clean water, food, health care, clothing and transportation would be covered. This is not an equal money system but a first step towards what we will create as actual heaven on earth.

With the implementation of BIG, there will still be rich and poor, better than less than, charity, polarities of all kinds, war, abuse from those ìn power who have the wealth, no power to stop the trillions of dollars allocated to space programs, the war machine ie. fighter jets, the latest hollywood film in which the ‘star’ gets paid 10 million dollars, the baseball player signed on for 50 million dollars per year, deception, profit and loss.

Yet, it is difficult to impossible to ponder let alone participate in a solution when you are trying to survive . Perhaps you have others who are depending on you for their survival as well, children, elderly parents. You get up at dawn, work you ass off, come home to other important obligations and fall into bed knowing you are trapped, there is no money left (you`re behind in bills, debt= the biggest evilest scam of all time) for you to take a vacation with your family, buy something for the home or children.

It`s time we look at this : money is not real, its an idea, designed for trade. Well then we can re-design it since it is not working best for all . It only supports the few with a life worth living.

We all breath the same air people, we are all born with nothing on our backs. We all need to eat and we all shit! Equally. We`re just making it up as we go along. Stop. Lets re-think, re-design, WTF, how is your faith and love working. I say:  don`t shut up, stand up, stand-up now!

BIG will be a start in the right direction.  Please investigate EqualMoney.Org  &  Desteni.co.za to learn more!

Unfortunately when my father drank he became a bully and his target was his children. So misguided, very sad. Totally out of the blue, I must have been about 10-12 and my sister about 15-16, ‘If either of you two sluts gets pregnant I’ll kick you from here to New York City. ‘ We lived in Toronto, Canada so that was a mighty kick. Uh, ok Dad. I mean what do you say to that? I was a virgin and had no interest in boys (or very little) at that point. I was no trouble to my parents in any way, in fact very careful to stay out of the way and ‘do everything’ right. So (I was too stunned to remember what my sister did or said) I just said nothing and did not move. I had leaned the hard way anything I said or did at that point would be wrong and attacked. I was terrified and remain still until he left. I’m sure he spewed more hatred out at us but I don’t remember the details. My sister and I were not close and my mother did not want to talk about these things, she actually did not know how. So, I was left alone to somehow ‘make it ok’, the next day he could be nice as pie  afterall, get over it(very cruel to do that to a child,’ be’ such dichotemy). I would spend alot of time alone in my bedroom delving into my mind, the start of shame, self loathing, mental sickness, and the birth of my own inner and outer bully.

Thought:  He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.

Thought pattern:  He was wrong about me, he didn’t know me. He was wrong to treat me like property, like he owned me. Like, as a kid he could do with/speak with as he fucking saw fit, with no consequences.  I knew that as a child. Why didn’t he fucking know it. He was not fit to have children. People should have to get a licence to have a child. It was cruel to be so insanely frightening and then so kind the next day, fucks a kid up, no wonder I became a drunk. God, I hope I didn’t hurt my kids . Well, I did but we have gone through it  several times since I have been sober. Thank god for AA.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick’ to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to    be possessed by an energetic reaction of anger, shame, inferiority, fear, hatred, guilt, confusion which triggered an onslaught of thoughts and in turn increased emotion round and round initiating with the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words alcohol, father, slut, New York, sister, mother, bedroom, alone, child, abuse, stupid, bully, pregnant, sex, insane to the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I am directed by anger, fear, guilt, shame, hatred, or inferiority at the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick’, I stop, I breathe. I realize my father was sick in his mind and his body with alcoholism. I realize he did not want to or  plan to intentionally hurt his children. I realize he was a ‘good’ parent in other ways as he provide financially very well for us and worked very hard. I realize he felt ‘guilty’ about how he treated his children/me as he got older and did his ‘best’/in his own way to ‘say sorry’ by being a more ‘loving’ parent.  I realize my father loved/respected me later in his life and I him. I no longer accept and allow myself to be controlled by thoughts about the past. I no longer accept and allow myself to be enslaved by emotions that can harm me, accepting the ‘sins of the father’ within and as me and re-playing them in my present life and so passing them onto my children and on and on it goes. Instead I bring myself out of my mind of thoughts and emotions and back ‘here’ to the physical with breath. I accept and allow myself to remain and stop the mind with each ‘here’ moment. Sometimes it is indeed a moment to moment exercise as the mind races and insists on controlling me, I stop/delete each thought, feel my feet on the ground and continue on with the task at hand.

These people are actually my ex-in-laws, as I have been separated from my first husband for about 17 year now. Because we had 2 children I still had several times/reason to interact with them over the years. It seems very messy and complicated to me right now as I write this. Lets see if I can keep moving and not go into my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this process is too difficult and I am too tierd to continue and I could do it tomorrow.

I will get right to the thought pattern:

I hate fuckin’ T. I hate them all. All their precious money, that’s first, then da, da, da, da, …the FAMILY. That’s all that matters. It’s quite sick because it took me years to get ‘comfortable’ with them and lovey dovey and then boom I was out, out , out! They ditched me with equal energy they initially used to embrace me. Yes, they came around quite a bit when others noticed how evil this was but all in all it ‘s like, ok..we’ll throw you a bone…now that’s enough, we help your children through their father. They are fucking rich and the brother mega rich and their daughter, my neice, is a horribly spoiled person. She delighted in humiliating my children -as did her mother- because they had the bucks to ‘inherit’ the family chalet early (they could carry it) so it gave them the excuse they needed to exercise/voice what they really believe; that they are superior and ‘better than’ so they treated my kids like crap. God I hate them all for that. My daughter was very courageous and stood up to them in a way that they could not alienate/destroy her further. She informed them repectfully she would not be going back to the ‘chalet’ so my bother in law ‘comes to the rescue’ to ‘smooth over’ what his hateful ,dispicable family did.  So my daughter is still stuck with them and ‘loves’ them but she saw the evil truth that is just underneath all their expensive clothes and cars. My sister in law said to me one year, ‘I’d love to do it every year, darlin'” suggesting she would take my daughter on a southern vacation yearly. Insensitive cow, I was just making ends meet and she and the others would swoop in and take them away, or buy a car (Mom, can I have gas money, can you help pay for car repairs?) expensive snowboard equipment, weekends at expensive cottage on and on. No it didn’t help in the long run, it was fucking humiliating.  I have sucked up to them for years so that I don’t ‘hurt my children’ and for that my ex screamed at me last week ‘you fucking bitch’ when all I have ever done is tried my best to ‘get along’ with him and his family. Enough is enough. Fuck them.

Thought:  I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and go into an energetic reaction within my physical human body of the following harmful emotions: fear, guilt, shame, humiliation, hatred, sorrow, rejection, lonliness, regret, vulnerability, anger and inferiority at the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: chalet, cottage, Muskoka, wealth, rich, money, family, christmas, children, unfair, alcoholism, insane, husband, ex-husband, love, revenge, car, Mercedes, BMW, clothes, jewlery to the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of  fear, guilt, shame, humiliation, hatred, sorrow, rejection, lonliness, regret, vulnerability, anger and inferiority at the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot’, I stop, I breathe.  I realize they have helped me (the children) in various ways throughout the years. I realize it is the money system and their own programming which directs them. I realize it is my responsibility, as I made the decision to have children, to provide for them. I realize I would probably behave the same way if I had become wealthy in this world.   I no longer accept and allow myself to blame others for my life circumstances as it is a waste of time. I accept and allow myself to heal through self forgiveness and be free from energy of memories (as pictures in my mind, thoughts, emotions) that could harm me. I accept and allow myself to walk in presence and awareness of my physical human body in each breath as that is what I can trust in this world. I accept and allow myself to end the cycle/timeloops that these reactions to thoughts have caused. I bring myself out of my mind of illusions and back to the physical and feel my feet on the ground and get on with my day.

 I have had several ‘issues’ with woman, mostly groups of women, over the years. I am-was guilty of vicious gossip as well the target of-I do not accept and allow this behavior in myself anymore nor have I for many years. Today I have a few close ‘girlfriends’ and many respected other people in my life whom I socialize with and enjoy extensively.

The Lorne Park girls 1: These are the group of girls I was friends with in high school and beyond. Very judgmental group, somewhat competitive and snobby, extremely exclusive. I hung out with the ‘drama’ club crowd as well, who I found more ‘real’.

Memories: Thought Pattern:

I never got it. I never felt it. I liked them just fine but didn’t feel like crying because its so wonderful we’re friends and we’re all such lucky important group of girls, and we have to hug and touch each other alot because we’re all oh so close and loving. What a crock of shit that turned out to be. Once the ‘going got tough’ they dropped me like a ‘hot potato’ . Ha!  Because I had a problem-alcoholism- and I didn’t apologize properly to them.  I was fucking sick-its a mental and physical illness- I was not at the time capable! Anyway, I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches, I am embarrassed I was ‘one of them’. I would want nothing to do with their group/one of them would say ‘oh, she is so out, out of the group’ I thought this was mean and wrong . I did speak up but not loud enough.  I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them, in fact wish them well I, just call it like I see it and I hate the fucking phony ___’s. In fact I don’t need to hate them, they are nothing, they are not real.

Thought: I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in memories as thoughts and pictures in my mind that bring up  emotions that can harm me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and go into an energetic reaction of guilt, anger, shame, humiliation, suspicion, hate, jealousy, resentment and fear at memories of these girls in high school when I have the thought, ‘ I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them. ‘ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: high school, basement, dance, drinking, laughing, group, clothes, party, boys, boyfriend, Lorne Park, the group, girl friends to the thought, ‘I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them. ‘

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I have a memory of the Lorne Park girls and go into an energetic reaction of hate, blame, anger, resentment, I stop, I breathe. I realize it is in my control now to stop my thoughts, feelings and emotions in the moment and not be enslaved to them into infinity. I realize I was not wrong in the past about not ‘feeling’ mushy and gooey, lovey girl stuff, it was not real and I can trust myself to know who is real and what is true respect and love and what is not. I realize I was just like them, they are not so bad, I had lots good times with them and are in many ways they are ‘good’ people. I realize it is useless to blame others for my own actions, it is /was my responsibility that I had a problem and not their fault I behaved badly. I realize my focus should be on myself in each moment and not on judging another, that is not best for all. I no longer accept and allow  myself  to be living in a dream world of past memories, controlling and enslaving me for ever to re-live the past. Instead I bring myself back here, to the physical and remind myself it is all that is ever real and relevant in my world and get on with my day.

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Lorne Park girls: 2. I met another group of women from my high school when I met the man I married, as he was 5 years ahead of me from the same neighbourhood and high school. Three of these women I spent alot of time with. Overall, they were ok individually, it is the memory of the group that comes up more.   I will include some thoughts about individuals and the group in the pattern.

Thought Pattern:

Oh god, those hateful women. What a bunch of snobs, snotty bitches of the worst kind. I was not good enough, or didn’t fit in or what the fuck ever! They were right , I totally didn’t fit in. I wasn’t proficient at being fake, acting better than (not too obviously, just enough so it comes across but you can’t call the person out on it-fucking evil behavior). I did not ever and still don’t know how to be super friendly to someone and then ignore them another time-I never got that. (Actually , I would be guilty of that when I drank but not sober, sincere if not confident.) I can’t stand UI and her sister, they think they are better than me. UI is so stupid she rubbed her wealth in my face many times in many ways and I was so insecure I victimized myself by staying friends with her.

Thought/Memory:

I can’t stand those rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotions of inferiority, bitterness, jealousy, anger, resentment, spitefulness, guilt, shame, fear, hate at the thought, ‘ I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: Lorne Park, girls, women, group, friends, old, children, Glenforest, chalet, cottage, sea-do, competition, money, debt, rich, wealth, dinner party, school, high school, decorate, bake, Mercedes to the thought, ‘I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of  guilt, jealousy, hatred, fear, anger, inferiority over the thought, ‘I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them’ , I stop, I breathe. I realize I had many good times with these women over the years and that they are not so bad and in many ways ‘good’ people by our current society values, but off on certain things. I realize I valued money and was greedy just like them. I realize it is a waste of time and useless to blame another for my circumstances and mental state. I realize I am just as guilty and responsible for any interactions that took place. I realize I don’t need ‘friends’ I need myself here in every moment but company sometimes is fun and supportive. I realize I can trust myself if I feel uncomfortable with people there is a reason and I can remove myself if I feel it is best. I no longer accept and allow myself to engage in memories as thoughts and pictures in my mind bring up emotions that can harm me. I no longer accept and allow myself to waste time blaming others for the ‘past’ as ‘going over it’ again and again in my mind only results in me re-living the past as my starting point was from the past. Instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and the  moment with the breath and carry on with the task at hand and not in my head.

not censored.

My first boyfriend, TM, was a ‘nice’ guy. He was somewhat meek, short, fair skin and hair and quiet. I was attraced to him because he was very talented in the high school musicals and he was ‘cute’. He was also kind and considerate and honest, qualities I apparently did not value again for some time.   We did not enjoy ‘hot sex’. It was my first sexual experience and it meant little to me. We stayed together for the high school years only because I was not self honest enough to tell him I was not happy in the relationship any longer.  He was very dependant, a homebody, and seemed afraid of life. When I did ‘break up’ with him he took it hard, we were probably all of 18 years old. He told me he considered killing himself and acted strangely with me even years later. There was a painful meeting 6 months after the breakup, he hoped I would have ‘come to my senses’ but I had moved on to the next ‘love of my life’ . Note: I am not aware of the thought patterns to a great extent as they are, for me, more ‘backchat’ (explained in previous blog). So I am somewhat ‘guessing’. I will be studying by ‘backchat’ in the second year of my course with Desteni!

Thought pattern: Poor TM, he’s such a loser, it’s so sad, I feel terrible but I just didn’t love him, I hated sex with him, no way it would have worked, I hope I never see him again, oh God, that would be awful ,I hope he’s happy, it was so awful hurting him, poor guy, he didn’t have a supportive, strong family, it’s ridiculous how much importance he put on our relationship, it was wrong of him to make me feel sooooo guilty. Oh well, the whole relationship went on too long, it was just wrong.

Thought:  Oh poor TM. God, I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think , ‘Oh poor TM. God, I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in a relationship based on deception. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and guilt  at the thought, ‘Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: high school, Lorne Park, White Oaks Park, boyfriend, first, virgin, oral sex, swimming pool,and ‘The Flintstones’, to the thought, ‘ Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of guilt at the thought, ‘Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that’, I stop, I breathe. I realize I am not responsible to ‘take care of / protect’ in a caretaker role or savior role another adult in this world.  I no longer accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts and emotions of guilt in my mind that can harm me or others instead I bring myself back to ‘here’, to the physical and remind myself all that is real is this moment. I remind myself, should I meet this person again, I will treat him with the respect and dignity I would want to to treated, as we are one and equal.

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My next boyfriend, in University, I will call KP.  He was the opposite of TM as he was tall,dark and handsome, loud, a heavy drinker/other substances, a womanizer, witty, sexy, loved to be out in bars and party. He was also full of hate and this came out more and more. He liked to ‘tease’=criticize me and humiliate me often, when we were alone and in front of others. He was dishonest and unfaithful throughout the relationship. I liked him because he was sexy and smart and looked like a ‘man’ not a boy. I see now my relationships have been largely based on outer/superficial qualities. It has all been based in self-interest, KP kept me busy by entertaining me with fun sex, an active social life, interesting discussions and readings-knowledge and information (he was a journalism student), and second guessing myself.

Thought Pattern: I hate KP, he ‘hurt’ me. He’s a liar and a cheat. He was starting to lose his looks, I bet he doesn’t look so handsome now. Probably overweight and an alcoholic. I bet he cheats on his wife or is divorced. I heard he ‘moved up’ in the world and bought a house in the neighborhood I grew up in and asked someone how I was, pretending like he treated me well. He’s a disgusting ‘pig’, a Nazi full of hate and thinks it’s funny to believe lies, a complete asshole. I hope I never see him again then I won’t have be polite and a hypocrite.

Thought: I hate KP, he hurt me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of anger,fear, humiliation, and hate at the thought, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words Lorne Park, Ryerson, journalism, Oakville, university, party, basement, sex, boyfriend, Dun and Bradstreet, Hawaii, pot, cottage, newpaper, couch, unfaithful, liar, cheat, torture to the thought, ‘ I hate KP, he hurt me.’

Whenever I have the thought, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me’, I stop, I breathe. I realize it was a long time ago I went out with him and I do not know him now. I realize the past can only hurt me if I allow it to with thoughts and emotions. I realize I am in a ‘healthy’ ‘happy’ marriage now and I do not have to fear the past. I realize, if I have these emotions of anger and hate, they come from me and I cannot blame another.  I realize I am responsible for ‘going out with’ this person for 4 years and I was unconsciously trying to re-live the relationship with my father to ‘heal’ it. I no longer accept and allow myself to be possessed by emotions of hate and anger that arise when I think of KP. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical, to ‘here’ in each moment of each breath. I remind myself that ‘here’ is all that is real in my world and I am safe and responsible for my state of being and I get on with my day.

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The next boyfriend I had became my husband. I will call him BD. Our relationship lasted 13 years, including our marriage of 9 years. We had 2 children so although our relationship changed when we separated , it is still ongoing even today. I thought, compared to KP, he was a ‘walk in the park’. I don’t think he ever wanted to get married (maybe at the beginning of our relationship) but I insisted. In many ways he was like my father, he could be ‘nice’ one minute and then quite cruel the next. He was a heavy drinker and liked to stay out late in bars. He lied and cheated (my father did not ‘cheat’ on my Mom as far as I know) and  tortured me as he would insist I was just ‘crazy’ ‘insecure’ ‘jealous’ when I would ask why he came home at 3a.m.  During our relationship he had extreme highs and lows and was often out of work. When he left, for the second time, our children were just 2 and 4 years old and I was penniless.

Thought Pattern: I hate BD, he’s a fucking asshole. If it wasn’t for the kids I would tell him to fuck off. Well, he did pay child support and can be quite kind. I shouldn’t be so bitter. He and his family are evil, they said they ‘loved me’ and then abandoned me. They are rich and I have nothing and made me sign an agreement stating I could never ‘go after’ their precious money. That’s cruel. They throw their money at my children paying for a life style I cannot compete with/keep up like members at an exclusive ski resort, expensive summer camp, a car, university away from home, expensive clothes at christmas. They use their money=power to control my children’s lives and it works. They only helped me a little when I humiliated myself by asking for a loan now and then. I hate them, may they burn in hell. They deserve that! Oh, that’s terrible. I shouldn’t think like that. No one deserves that. There were good times and kindness over the years, I’m awful! They have been generous to my children and love them. It’s just me they through in the garbage , not the kids.

Thought: I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotions of anger, resentment, fear, hate, humiliation, shame, jealousy and guilt and to go into an energetic reaction within my human physical body which can harm me when I think, ‘  I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because of their wealth. Bunch of phonies.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: ski, chalet, Markdale, cottage, summer, travel, wealthy, lifestyle, rich, greedy, Lorne Park, high school, parents, in-laws, children, divorce, family, debt, marriage to the thought,  ‘I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.’

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of anger, hate, humiliation, shame, jealousy, resentment and guilt at the thought, ‘  I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies’ I stop, I breathe. I realize I am safe and no longer a victim as I live ‘here’ in the moment with breath.  I no longer accept and allow myself to exist as past memories inside my head that can harm me. I realize I am not more innocent or guilty than BD and his family, that we are , in fact one and equal together here, on earth. Instead I remind myself to stay outside of my mind and bring myself back ‘here’ and continue with the situation at hand, not allowing the past to interfere or be repeated as a timeloop.

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The next boyfriend I had, after my marriage ended, was with CL. Or, as he liked to remind me, it was not a relationship, I was his ‘booty call’. He would see me for sex and that’s it. I feel furious about it even as I type this. But I understand now I am angry with myself for allowing the abuse and humiliation to continue in my life with respect to ‘relationships’. I started writing music when my marriage was ‘going south’. I thought I was  ‘suppose’ to, a gift from God, I was special. But I know now it was deception as the White Light construct that kept me enslaved to the ‘story’ of Sandy. This man was a musician I met along that ‘path’. I liked him because he validated me as a woman (after being rejected by my husband), we had fun sex, he was ‘handsome’, he had a sexy singing voice and could play the piano.

Thought Pattern: Oh God, I hate that man CL, he is the devil himself. He lied to me , used me, he is an evil fucking prick. I was so innocent…well… I was so sincere in how I ‘loved’ him and he never wanted anything but sex. I drove myself literally insane obsessing over him and writing him ‘love’ songs. I nearly died because I met him, I ended my marriage too soon (lol, my husband was glad, he had wanted ‘out’ for about 5 years)  and this put me in a very vulnerable position ie. no money or practical help with 2 little children to raise. Then I became an alcoholic for Christ sake to stop the ‘voices’ in my head. Then because I was an alcoholic (stopped me from killing myself at least was good ‘tool’ for few years) I nearly lost custody of my children. All because he was a smooth fuckin devil with a silver tongue. CL ruined my life and I hate the man whole heartedly. I hope he rots, he deserves it.

Thought: Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole. He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of blame, regret, anger, bitterness, self-pity, self-loathing, hate when I think, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the  emotions of : blame, regret, anger, bitterness, self-pity, self-loathing, and hatred at the thought , ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole.  He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because of him..’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: sex , piano, song, songwriting, Leuty, basement apartment, Montreal, alcoholism, crazy, insane, suicide, Children’s Aid, pot, oil, daughter, feel, booty, booty call, use, to the thought, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’

Whenever I think, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole. He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because of him’ I stop, I breathe.  I realize I am angry at myself for ‘playing with the Devil’. I realize I desperately needed something to replace my husband, something outside of me because I had no self–esteem/worth/love . I realize I was naive but not innocent, I used him for a ‘treat’ too and wanted to use him for a ‘lifetime’ to ‘complete’ me, fill the emptiness inside of myself. I realize my insanity (see My Story: http://youtu.be/jHmtACV-ECE) eventually led me to Desteni where I am busy learning to stand, all as one as equal ‘here’ on earth and learning ‘best for all’ principals and how to implement an Equal Money System, so desperately need on this planet. I realize there is nothing I would rather be busy doing. I no longer accept and allow myself to place blame outside of myself but know I create my life in each moment of each breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be in my mind as past memories and emotions that can harm me but instead I bring myself back here to the physical and direct myself in the awareness of what is here and what is real and not re-create my past over and over. I stand and I stop the mind as possession as thoughts.  I am responsible to do what is best for all, as life as equal!