Posts Tagged ‘Destonians’

There is good news and bad news to answer these questions with the coming of 2012.

The bad news is, yes, you are truly alone. The savior is none other than yourself. It is what is here. The answer to the world’s problems is so obvious, we have been blinded to what is in front of our own noses.  Why? Because of being lost in our own minds. We have been living as the mind, lost in the mind as the continual stream of consciousness as thoughts, feelings and emotions, memories, pictures in our mind that come up as our own pre-programming that we have created throughout our lives.

What answer would you have wanted? What kind of a ‘loving’ creator would want it’s creation to be dependent, helpless, a slave to a life/existence without effective answers, only ‘going through’ life to ‘learn lessons’ to which you have no ‘proof’ actually exist but you must live on ‘faith’ that it is so.  No, that is not the case as you can plainly ‘see’ in the world in which you live.  Mankind is not ‘evolving’ through lifetime lessons as you can plainly see, there exists today and throughout recorded history, spitefulness, murder, rape, starvation, war, famine, greed, inequality abounds.

So 2012 is the year when the world systems begin to fail us and we must take total responsibility to face ourselves, as the world, and begin to make changes. The savior is yourself because that is all there is. Look, what is here?  Human beings, the plant kingdom, the animal kingdom, the oceans, the sky, and then outward space. It is common sense but we have dwelt in the  private mind thinking our thoughts, feelings, emotions do not connect with all else in existence. This is not the case, all of what you resonate as, the past, present and future is indeed a ‘living’ part of the whole that creates reality.

What kind of a savior, at the pearly gates, says, ‘Let’s review your life. You lived in self interest only and did not act in the best interest of anyone but your tiny circle of family and friends. You ignored the suffering of the rest of humanity. Oh, ok, no problem, carry on.’  I would say a creator that is not benevolent and believes in ‘specialness’ and separation-JUST AS HUMAN BEINGS DO. That is a nasty game, what if you were one of those people who suffered a horrible life and death, or your child or parent? Why would you ‘follow/trust/worship’ a creator who did not care, who was no better than yourself/your ‘sins’?

It is frightening indeed to think that you are alone but it is also empowering because you are alone in the first ‘step’ part of your awakening only.  You will awaken, in fact, to the truth that you are not separate but one and equal to all other human beings = their pain is your pain. This is why we must heed the words, ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’ because you are ‘thy neighbor’.

In stopping the mind you will awaken, you will begin a journey of becoming life from the physical and understand and realize the only solution to what is here is to do what is best for all. That is the common sense answer to heaven on earth.

2012 is the beginning of the end of separation, no more above and below but ‘as above, so below’ will become real. No more heaven & earth but heaven ON earth, as human beings learn to live one breath at a time, out of the mind of separation and back to the physical as ‘here’ in reality. No more carrying the past, present and future as imagined thoughts, memory but acceptance of what is real.

The first practical step to achieve this, each human becoming the savior, is the implementation of an Equal Money System. Level the playing field for all human beings here. A new starting point of equality to then move forward.

In conclusion, the savior is ‘here’. The savior is you. Alone is a word, alone is a thought. Be the solution as part of the whole. Fear is not real when you face it head on. Take responsibility for your earth, for what you have created. There are several beings at Desteni walking this process of awakening, please join us in BEING THE SAVIOR!

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of sitting on my Mom’s knee with my sister beside me bring up the thought, ” My Mom is nice, I feel safe with her as she was quite consistent in her behavior toward me and my siblings, she was a kind parent.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of sitting beside my Mom, on a christmas eve, reading ‘the night before christmas’ as we did each year bringing up the thought, ‘I felt safe and warm and comforted by this ritual with my Mom, she made christmas ‘special’ and fun, I felt/feel loved by her.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my Mom in a classroom full of young girls where she was the teacher of an after school class, bringing up the thought, ‘All the girl, and my friends, like my Mom and think I am ‘lucky’ to have such a nice Mom. I am proud of her as she is the teacher of a ‘fun’ class, not ‘real’ school. They are right, she is a ‘good’ parent. I feel ‘happy’ and secure with her.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my parents before one of their parties, my Mom putting on make-up as I watched in the bathroom bringing up the thought, ‘She looks so pretty in her beautiful, sparkly dress that she made, I will put on make-up when I am older and look pretty too.’ and ‘I am happy that my Dad is happy and silly dancing around before his friends get here. He is always in a good mood before a party. I feel happy because I am safe with him now, he is not mean and drunk and picking on me or my bothers and sister.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being at the cottage in the winter, my Dad unpacking the car after shoveling his way into the cottage and my Mom unpacking boxes in that are on the kitchen table, the sound of my Dad pouring  the coal into the little stove as it slowly heats up the little charming cottage on a freezing cold Ontario winter night bringing up the thought, ‘It’s fun at the cottage. I feel safe with my Dad as he is not drunk and in a ‘good’ mood because it is christmas holidays. He loves the cottage and is happy when we come here. I love playing with my dog and cat and cousins at the cottage. We play ‘spoons’ and laugh alot as the adult play bridge in the other cottage. We go skiing and tobogganing and ski-doing,  make snow forts, eat icicles, have snowball fights and it is so fun. I am safe/safer here at the cottage than at home.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of lying in bed at the cottage being cold, in the middle of the night and  hearing that familiar sound of my Dad pouring in the coal into the stove and then jumping into bed with my parents, in between them and being warm and cozy bringing up the thought, ‘My Mom and Dad keep me warm, I feel safe my Mom is here, I can sleep now.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my parents good friends at the cottage, drinking and laughing and having a good time with each other and all the kids, playing games, roasting a pig, singing at the bonfire, drinking, being down at the dock in their bathing suits, swimming, going for a boat ride, sailing, bbq-ing, helping my Dad, bringing up the thought, ‘I like my parents friends, they have fun, they like to drink, they have fun when they drink, it is a part of the day and makes it more fun, they are nice to me and silly and laugh alot, I like to play with their children, it is good and safe here at the cottage, my parents a re happy when they are with their friends, this is what adults do and it is good, my Dad is happy and nice when his friends are here, I feel more safe when his friends are here.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being at L and P’s cottage with the kids at their beach and we are swimming and sea-doing and decided to be innocent like the kids and be nudists for the week, bringing up the thought, ‘I was so ‘happy’ at their cottage, so free and felt so safe, they ‘think’ the same way I do and we explored so many topics of how to be effective parents and human beings and laughed and read and relaxed and ate well and exercised. I wish I could live like that always. They were good friends. They are wealthy and that is what wealth in this world offers, the time and ability to express oneself in self honesty. I wish I could do that everyday and everyone could. It is sad I no longer see them.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being at the ‘chalet’, when I was married to my children’s father, with his family bring up the thought, ‘It was so relaxing and I felt so safe being with C’s family. They have a lot of money and I felt safe knowing I would ‘inherit’ this money and this lifestyle. I miss the community of this family unit and the fun playing games, skiing, drinking, laughing, eating expensive food, being in opulent surroundings.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my Mom ‘tucking’ me in each night when I was a young girl saying, ‘Night, night, don’t let the bed bugs bite’, bringing up the thought, ‘I love/respect my Mom. I always felt ‘loved’ and cared for and safe each night she tucked me in with these words and a kiss. I am glad I repeated this ‘tradition (not the phrase) and spent time at my children’s bedtime to read them a story,  talk to them, cuddle and tuck them in, even if I was drinking.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of myself as a little girl saying my nightly prayers in my little bed in my little room feeling safe and cozy and thanking ‘god’ that everyone was safe and everything was ‘ok’, bring up the thought, ‘I wish life was that simple and innocent now.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car with my parents and siblings driving in a neighborhood that had smaller houses (probably in the city, I grew up in the suburbs) and thinking, ‘I don’t like these little, old houses, they are ugly. I am lucky and safe my family has money and it is good because we have a big, pretty house and no problems, money is good and important. I don’t like apartments. I feel sorry for families who have no money and have to live in an ugly apartment. My dad is a doctor (chiropractor) and it is good because he makes a lot of money and we don’t have to live like that.’ Note: very naive ‘thoughts’, I understand that now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my father in his office (I worked there a few summers/holidays) and thinking, “My dad is a good chiropractor, he is kind and generous to people who can’t afford his service. His patients love him, I love him for that.  He is ‘happy/content’ in his work place, it is important to like your job like he does. I like being here, it is productive and a warm atmosphere. He makes a lot of money quite easily, that is a very good thing for our family. I am glad he gives to charity so it is ok our family has everything and more.’ Note: total self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of our family driving/walking to church Sunday mornings, hearing my Dad sing the hymns, he often exaggerated his voice to be ‘funny’, and thinking, ‘Church is boring but my Dad is ‘happy’ here so I’ll be quiet and not complain like my brothers and sister. He is fun and light hearted here and comforted because my grandpa was a minister and it brings back memories of his childhood seeing/hearing his Dad at the front of the church. I like my grandparents. I don’t get church, oh well.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of christmases up north with my grandparents and cousins in my grandparents tiny home or at the Inn we would gather for a dinner and thinking, ‘That was so much fun seeing everyone and receiving gifts, sleeping over at my cousins and having home made egg nog sunday morning before going to church where my grandfather would often be the minister. I like all these people and feel safe with them. The adults don’t drink in front of my grandparents because my grandmother thinks alcohol is of the devil, that is so funny and all the kids laugh about it and we laugh at all her ‘old fashion’ ideas and it is snowy and there are pretty christmas lights everywhere and school is out soon for two weeks. I like my life. I like it that my dad does not drink here. He is nice when he doesn’t drink. I feel safe when he doesn’t drink. Everyone likes him when he doesn’t drink. I wish he would never drink.’

Love and light, love and light, isn’t it wonderful?

Not so much if you’re an 16 year old orphaned girl(parents dead from Aids) HIV infected, with 2 young sisters and you have to labor  in a hot, dry field 9 hours a day just to scrounge a few coins to feed yourself and your sisters the bare minimum. You fall into bed in a basically empty mud hut with your sisters crying, huddling together on makeshift bed, you lay on the dirt floor and give the girls the only blanket, in fear of what tomorrow will bring. The neighbors and community feel sorry but cannot help but a little now and then. How will you face it all again tomorrow?  No hope for a better future, no dreams of boyfriends or even school, you just ‘pray’ the girls don’t get sick again. You cry yourself to sleep. This girl’s name is Seraphene. I learned about her story many years ago at a World Vision fund raiser. I saw the film of her and her home and her little sisters.  I have no idea what happened to them.

I found Deepak’s home on http://virtualglobetrotting.com/map/deepak-chopras-house/  Please take a look. A palatial mansion with swimming pool and tennis courts  and no doubt a whole lot more.  I have nothing against the man personally, he is but one example of a world gone mad; living in self interest and self justification, creating ‘many mansions’ in his mind…er sorry… in the sky for Seraphene and her sister’s when they have learnt all their ‘lessons’ in this world and pass onto the next.  Note: Since posting this blog a woman from Chopra’s office, named Carolyn made a comment, you can read below and then e-mailed, saying this is not Chopra’s home. Ok, I asked where is his home or a photo so I can correct the blog, how many homes does he have and where ?(obviously, I did not mean the exact address, which she claim she took my request as). She never responded. I don’t know , does it matter at all? I mean the guy’s a multi-multi-millionaire. Could be that mansion or another.  Abundance versus Starvation. Deepak versus One BILLION  * that’s 1000,000,000 people starving or without food today!  Tragic. Perhaps all the positive thinking will magically feed them. So sad, so tragic, so uneccessary. Charity will not effectively correct this disgusting problem. Nor will ‘positive’ messages and thinking, wake the F up people!

Deepak Chopra is an Indian American writer and public speaker, best known for covering topics such as spirituality and mind-body medicine.

His estimated net worth according to http://www.famenetworth.com/2010/11/deepak-chopra-net-worth.html is a cool 75 million American dollars.Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Hmm…this about sums it up, from Wikipedia;

Chopra is as rich as he is today … because his basic message — that love, health and happiness are possible, that mystery is real and that the universe is ultimately a friendly and benevolent place where orthodoxies old and new can meet and make peace with one another — is one that he wants to believe in just as sincerely as his readers do.”[1][2]

Well, isn’t that just the bees knees, all wrapped up neat and tidy so he can sleep in his designer sheets tonight. And the universe is benevolent you say, well I am an ass, I thought little children were dying in agony tonight from starvation–tell them that.  Will your words sooth them, will your charity reach them, heal them?  I think not.

In an Equal Money System you will not have to put up with such nonsense as these guru’s spread their ‘love and light’ messages. It is not working , clearly.  Nothing but equality will be tolerated, all will be given equal opportunity to ‘spread their wings’ not just a few.  All will be provided a home with clean water, a safe neighborhood,  food, healthcare, clothing, transportation, education and of the highest quality. Nothing but the best will be made ! Not one deserving or receiving more than another- because equal is equal is equal. You can’t manipulate it , you can’t fake it, you can’t fudge it, you can’t hide it. All will be known, nothing is owned but used respectfully while we are here.  This is our earth, this is our home.

Please investigate EqualMoney.Org

1 Tompkins, Ptolemy (2008-11-14). “”Time”, New Age Supersage, Ptolemy Tompkins, November 14, 2008″. Time.com. Retrieved 2011-02-18.

2. ^ a b TNN, Apr 15, 2001, 02.04pm IST (2001-04-15). “The Times of India, Halyeema Sayed, The Mind-Body, April 15, 2001”. Timesofindia.indiatimes.com. Retrieved 2011-02-18.

 I have had several ‘issues’ with woman, mostly groups of women, over the years. I am-was guilty of vicious gossip as well the target of-I do not accept and allow this behavior in myself anymore nor have I for many years. Today I have a few close ‘girlfriends’ and many respected other people in my life whom I socialize with and enjoy extensively.

The Lorne Park girls 1: These are the group of girls I was friends with in high school and beyond. Very judgmental group, somewhat competitive and snobby, extremely exclusive. I hung out with the ‘drama’ club crowd as well, who I found more ‘real’.

Memories: Thought Pattern:

I never got it. I never felt it. I liked them just fine but didn’t feel like crying because its so wonderful we’re friends and we’re all such lucky important group of girls, and we have to hug and touch each other alot because we’re all oh so close and loving. What a crock of shit that turned out to be. Once the ‘going got tough’ they dropped me like a ‘hot potato’ . Ha!  Because I had a problem-alcoholism- and I didn’t apologize properly to them.  I was fucking sick-its a mental and physical illness- I was not at the time capable! Anyway, I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches, I am embarrassed I was ‘one of them’. I would want nothing to do with their group/one of them would say ‘oh, she is so out, out of the group’ I thought this was mean and wrong . I did speak up but not loud enough.  I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them, in fact wish them well I, just call it like I see it and I hate the fucking phony ___’s. In fact I don’t need to hate them, they are nothing, they are not real.

Thought: I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in memories as thoughts and pictures in my mind that bring up  emotions that can harm me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and go into an energetic reaction of guilt, anger, shame, humiliation, suspicion, hate, jealousy, resentment and fear at memories of these girls in high school when I have the thought, ‘ I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them. ‘ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: high school, basement, dance, drinking, laughing, group, clothes, party, boys, boyfriend, Lorne Park, the group, girl friends to the thought, ‘I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them. ‘

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I have a memory of the Lorne Park girls and go into an energetic reaction of hate, blame, anger, resentment, I stop, I breathe. I realize it is in my control now to stop my thoughts, feelings and emotions in the moment and not be enslaved to them into infinity. I realize I was not wrong in the past about not ‘feeling’ mushy and gooey, lovey girl stuff, it was not real and I can trust myself to know who is real and what is true respect and love and what is not. I realize I was just like them, they are not so bad, I had lots good times with them and are in many ways they are ‘good’ people. I realize it is useless to blame others for my own actions, it is /was my responsibility that I had a problem and not their fault I behaved badly. I realize my focus should be on myself in each moment and not on judging another, that is not best for all. I no longer accept and allow  myself  to be living in a dream world of past memories, controlling and enslaving me for ever to re-live the past. Instead I bring myself back here, to the physical and remind myself it is all that is ever real and relevant in my world and get on with my day.

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Lorne Park girls: 2. I met another group of women from my high school when I met the man I married, as he was 5 years ahead of me from the same neighbourhood and high school. Three of these women I spent alot of time with. Overall, they were ok individually, it is the memory of the group that comes up more.   I will include some thoughts about individuals and the group in the pattern.

Thought Pattern:

Oh god, those hateful women. What a bunch of snobs, snotty bitches of the worst kind. I was not good enough, or didn’t fit in or what the fuck ever! They were right , I totally didn’t fit in. I wasn’t proficient at being fake, acting better than (not too obviously, just enough so it comes across but you can’t call the person out on it-fucking evil behavior). I did not ever and still don’t know how to be super friendly to someone and then ignore them another time-I never got that. (Actually , I would be guilty of that when I drank but not sober, sincere if not confident.) I can’t stand UI and her sister, they think they are better than me. UI is so stupid she rubbed her wealth in my face many times in many ways and I was so insecure I victimized myself by staying friends with her.

Thought/Memory:

I can’t stand those rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotions of inferiority, bitterness, jealousy, anger, resentment, spitefulness, guilt, shame, fear, hate at the thought, ‘ I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: Lorne Park, girls, women, group, friends, old, children, Glenforest, chalet, cottage, sea-do, competition, money, debt, rich, wealth, dinner party, school, high school, decorate, bake, Mercedes to the thought, ‘I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of  guilt, jealousy, hatred, fear, anger, inferiority over the thought, ‘I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them’ , I stop, I breathe. I realize I had many good times with these women over the years and that they are not so bad and in many ways ‘good’ people by our current society values, but off on certain things. I realize I valued money and was greedy just like them. I realize it is a waste of time and useless to blame another for my circumstances and mental state. I realize I am just as guilty and responsible for any interactions that took place. I realize I don’t need ‘friends’ I need myself here in every moment but company sometimes is fun and supportive. I realize I can trust myself if I feel uncomfortable with people there is a reason and I can remove myself if I feel it is best. I no longer accept and allow myself to engage in memories as thoughts and pictures in my mind bring up emotions that can harm me. I no longer accept and allow myself to waste time blaming others for the ‘past’ as ‘going over it’ again and again in my mind only results in me re-living the past as my starting point was from the past. Instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and the  moment with the breath and carry on with the task at hand and not in my head.

not censored.

My first boyfriend, TM, was a ‘nice’ guy. He was somewhat meek, short, fair skin and hair and quiet. I was attraced to him because he was very talented in the high school musicals and he was ‘cute’. He was also kind and considerate and honest, qualities I apparently did not value again for some time.   We did not enjoy ‘hot sex’. It was my first sexual experience and it meant little to me. We stayed together for the high school years only because I was not self honest enough to tell him I was not happy in the relationship any longer.  He was very dependant, a homebody, and seemed afraid of life. When I did ‘break up’ with him he took it hard, we were probably all of 18 years old. He told me he considered killing himself and acted strangely with me even years later. There was a painful meeting 6 months after the breakup, he hoped I would have ‘come to my senses’ but I had moved on to the next ‘love of my life’ . Note: I am not aware of the thought patterns to a great extent as they are, for me, more ‘backchat’ (explained in previous blog). So I am somewhat ‘guessing’. I will be studying by ‘backchat’ in the second year of my course with Desteni!

Thought pattern: Poor TM, he’s such a loser, it’s so sad, I feel terrible but I just didn’t love him, I hated sex with him, no way it would have worked, I hope I never see him again, oh God, that would be awful ,I hope he’s happy, it was so awful hurting him, poor guy, he didn’t have a supportive, strong family, it’s ridiculous how much importance he put on our relationship, it was wrong of him to make me feel sooooo guilty. Oh well, the whole relationship went on too long, it was just wrong.

Thought:  Oh poor TM. God, I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think , ‘Oh poor TM. God, I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in a relationship based on deception. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and guilt  at the thought, ‘Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: high school, Lorne Park, White Oaks Park, boyfriend, first, virgin, oral sex, swimming pool,and ‘The Flintstones’, to the thought, ‘ Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of guilt at the thought, ‘Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that’, I stop, I breathe. I realize I am not responsible to ‘take care of / protect’ in a caretaker role or savior role another adult in this world.  I no longer accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts and emotions of guilt in my mind that can harm me or others instead I bring myself back to ‘here’, to the physical and remind myself all that is real is this moment. I remind myself, should I meet this person again, I will treat him with the respect and dignity I would want to to treated, as we are one and equal.

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My next boyfriend, in University, I will call KP.  He was the opposite of TM as he was tall,dark and handsome, loud, a heavy drinker/other substances, a womanizer, witty, sexy, loved to be out in bars and party. He was also full of hate and this came out more and more. He liked to ‘tease’=criticize me and humiliate me often, when we were alone and in front of others. He was dishonest and unfaithful throughout the relationship. I liked him because he was sexy and smart and looked like a ‘man’ not a boy. I see now my relationships have been largely based on outer/superficial qualities. It has all been based in self-interest, KP kept me busy by entertaining me with fun sex, an active social life, interesting discussions and readings-knowledge and information (he was a journalism student), and second guessing myself.

Thought Pattern: I hate KP, he ‘hurt’ me. He’s a liar and a cheat. He was starting to lose his looks, I bet he doesn’t look so handsome now. Probably overweight and an alcoholic. I bet he cheats on his wife or is divorced. I heard he ‘moved up’ in the world and bought a house in the neighborhood I grew up in and asked someone how I was, pretending like he treated me well. He’s a disgusting ‘pig’, a Nazi full of hate and thinks it’s funny to believe lies, a complete asshole. I hope I never see him again then I won’t have be polite and a hypocrite.

Thought: I hate KP, he hurt me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of anger,fear, humiliation, and hate at the thought, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words Lorne Park, Ryerson, journalism, Oakville, university, party, basement, sex, boyfriend, Dun and Bradstreet, Hawaii, pot, cottage, newpaper, couch, unfaithful, liar, cheat, torture to the thought, ‘ I hate KP, he hurt me.’

Whenever I have the thought, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me’, I stop, I breathe. I realize it was a long time ago I went out with him and I do not know him now. I realize the past can only hurt me if I allow it to with thoughts and emotions. I realize I am in a ‘healthy’ ‘happy’ marriage now and I do not have to fear the past. I realize, if I have these emotions of anger and hate, they come from me and I cannot blame another.  I realize I am responsible for ‘going out with’ this person for 4 years and I was unconsciously trying to re-live the relationship with my father to ‘heal’ it. I no longer accept and allow myself to be possessed by emotions of hate and anger that arise when I think of KP. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical, to ‘here’ in each moment of each breath. I remind myself that ‘here’ is all that is real in my world and I am safe and responsible for my state of being and I get on with my day.

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The next boyfriend I had became my husband. I will call him BD. Our relationship lasted 13 years, including our marriage of 9 years. We had 2 children so although our relationship changed when we separated , it is still ongoing even today. I thought, compared to KP, he was a ‘walk in the park’. I don’t think he ever wanted to get married (maybe at the beginning of our relationship) but I insisted. In many ways he was like my father, he could be ‘nice’ one minute and then quite cruel the next. He was a heavy drinker and liked to stay out late in bars. He lied and cheated (my father did not ‘cheat’ on my Mom as far as I know) and  tortured me as he would insist I was just ‘crazy’ ‘insecure’ ‘jealous’ when I would ask why he came home at 3a.m.  During our relationship he had extreme highs and lows and was often out of work. When he left, for the second time, our children were just 2 and 4 years old and I was penniless.

Thought Pattern: I hate BD, he’s a fucking asshole. If it wasn’t for the kids I would tell him to fuck off. Well, he did pay child support and can be quite kind. I shouldn’t be so bitter. He and his family are evil, they said they ‘loved me’ and then abandoned me. They are rich and I have nothing and made me sign an agreement stating I could never ‘go after’ their precious money. That’s cruel. They throw their money at my children paying for a life style I cannot compete with/keep up like members at an exclusive ski resort, expensive summer camp, a car, university away from home, expensive clothes at christmas. They use their money=power to control my children’s lives and it works. They only helped me a little when I humiliated myself by asking for a loan now and then. I hate them, may they burn in hell. They deserve that! Oh, that’s terrible. I shouldn’t think like that. No one deserves that. There were good times and kindness over the years, I’m awful! They have been generous to my children and love them. It’s just me they through in the garbage , not the kids.

Thought: I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotions of anger, resentment, fear, hate, humiliation, shame, jealousy and guilt and to go into an energetic reaction within my human physical body which can harm me when I think, ‘  I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because of their wealth. Bunch of phonies.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: ski, chalet, Markdale, cottage, summer, travel, wealthy, lifestyle, rich, greedy, Lorne Park, high school, parents, in-laws, children, divorce, family, debt, marriage to the thought,  ‘I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.’

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of anger, hate, humiliation, shame, jealousy, resentment and guilt at the thought, ‘  I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies’ I stop, I breathe. I realize I am safe and no longer a victim as I live ‘here’ in the moment with breath.  I no longer accept and allow myself to exist as past memories inside my head that can harm me. I realize I am not more innocent or guilty than BD and his family, that we are , in fact one and equal together here, on earth. Instead I remind myself to stay outside of my mind and bring myself back ‘here’ and continue with the situation at hand, not allowing the past to interfere or be repeated as a timeloop.

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The next boyfriend I had, after my marriage ended, was with CL. Or, as he liked to remind me, it was not a relationship, I was his ‘booty call’. He would see me for sex and that’s it. I feel furious about it even as I type this. But I understand now I am angry with myself for allowing the abuse and humiliation to continue in my life with respect to ‘relationships’. I started writing music when my marriage was ‘going south’. I thought I was  ‘suppose’ to, a gift from God, I was special. But I know now it was deception as the White Light construct that kept me enslaved to the ‘story’ of Sandy. This man was a musician I met along that ‘path’. I liked him because he validated me as a woman (after being rejected by my husband), we had fun sex, he was ‘handsome’, he had a sexy singing voice and could play the piano.

Thought Pattern: Oh God, I hate that man CL, he is the devil himself. He lied to me , used me, he is an evil fucking prick. I was so innocent…well… I was so sincere in how I ‘loved’ him and he never wanted anything but sex. I drove myself literally insane obsessing over him and writing him ‘love’ songs. I nearly died because I met him, I ended my marriage too soon (lol, my husband was glad, he had wanted ‘out’ for about 5 years)  and this put me in a very vulnerable position ie. no money or practical help with 2 little children to raise. Then I became an alcoholic for Christ sake to stop the ‘voices’ in my head. Then because I was an alcoholic (stopped me from killing myself at least was good ‘tool’ for few years) I nearly lost custody of my children. All because he was a smooth fuckin devil with a silver tongue. CL ruined my life and I hate the man whole heartedly. I hope he rots, he deserves it.

Thought: Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole. He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of blame, regret, anger, bitterness, self-pity, self-loathing, hate when I think, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the  emotions of : blame, regret, anger, bitterness, self-pity, self-loathing, and hatred at the thought , ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole.  He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because of him..’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: sex , piano, song, songwriting, Leuty, basement apartment, Montreal, alcoholism, crazy, insane, suicide, Children’s Aid, pot, oil, daughter, feel, booty, booty call, use, to the thought, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’

Whenever I think, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole. He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because of him’ I stop, I breathe.  I realize I am angry at myself for ‘playing with the Devil’. I realize I desperately needed something to replace my husband, something outside of me because I had no self–esteem/worth/love . I realize I was naive but not innocent, I used him for a ‘treat’ too and wanted to use him for a ‘lifetime’ to ‘complete’ me, fill the emptiness inside of myself. I realize my insanity (see My Story: http://youtu.be/jHmtACV-ECE) eventually led me to Desteni where I am busy learning to stand, all as one as equal ‘here’ on earth and learning ‘best for all’ principals and how to implement an Equal Money System, so desperately need on this planet. I realize there is nothing I would rather be busy doing. I no longer accept and allow myself to place blame outside of myself but know I create my life in each moment of each breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be in my mind as past memories and emotions that can harm me but instead I bring myself back here to the physical and direct myself in the awareness of what is here and what is real and not re-create my past over and over. I stand and I stop the mind as possession as thoughts.  I am responsible to do what is best for all, as life as equal!

1.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as someone who is sexy, pretty and enjoys sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it takes a constant and great effort to ‘be’ sexy, to ‘be’ pretty to be seen as someone who enjoys sex and that these efforts can be exhausting  and enslaving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was average looking without make up/dressing up and I would be ‘passed over’/ignored if I was not considered ‘pretty/sexy’ by men or ‘gave an air’ or said things that made me come across as someone who enjoyed sex.

2.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as someone who was intelligent and competent and knew what was going on in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not very smart or competent according to this world and that I am not as capable as others, that I fumble and fail often where others seem to succeed with ‘ease’ but it is self-inflicted because I lack the self-will to stick with a task long enough to succeed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide who I really am as a simple person who enjoys doing simple tasks and also someone who is afraid of life and ‘gives up’ easily because of lack of self will and self-esteem.

3.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as someone who is fun to be with, someone who is light hearted and funny, goes through life with ease and someone who is popular, loved by all, kind of thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is difficult and exhausting to be fun/light hearted, funny and popular all the time because of the constant drama=memories and backchat in my mind that are part of daily life.Self-Forgiveness on Trait 3 – Answer to question B: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide the quiet, simple part of me who is happy just being at home by myself or with company. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure in large crowds and to feel a mate would reject me for being ‘boring’.

4.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as a ‘good’ person, someone who is kind to others and a ‘good’ parent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not a ‘good’ person/parent/kind person because it is difficult –once again-to be consistant, tiring, exhausting to stuff down all the thoughts, feelings, emotions that come up in a day so as to suppress them if I want to ‘try’ to be this ‘good’ person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide that fact that I am angry/bitter/disappointed in my life so I somewhat fake the charitable, kind lady role.

5.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as athletic and a good dancer. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe playing team sports = an athlete compared to individual sports-activities which are not competitive is more attractive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think spontaneously dancing anywhere/anytime and raising your arms in the air means you are free and happy and having fun and uninhibited. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think flabby skin and cellulite = you can’t be in good shape as an athlete/dancer. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide the fact I don’t like team sports or the personalities that are involved playing them (competition). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide the fact I don’t want to dance spontaneously and raise my arms in the air. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and hide the fact that I don’t want to get wet in the rain because I want my outer picture to remain ‘pretty’ because I don’t feel secure within myself  so I have the ‘outer’ to offer as value to a partner.

6.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as someone who is artistic as in a  singer/songwriter/musician.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe being a competent musician/singer is impossible/too difficult and makes me attractive as a mate and believing I should give up on this activity as it takes too much time/effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide the fact that I believe I am average/not special in regards to being a musician and that I will not be taken seriously to ‘work’ with or play for fun ( a jam) and be rejected as an artist.

7.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as  someone who is healthy as in a good diet and someone who is and will remain slim.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is difficult to be ‘healthy’ as in eat a proper diet and remain slim. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to be ‘skinny’ to ‘keep’ a partner physically attracted to me and want sex and stay in a committed relationship or make a commitment. It is all based in self interest and survival. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of myself as an ‘addict’ someone who obsesses whatever she is into ie. Booze, vergetarianism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my belief that I have an addictive/obsessive ‘personality’ and I lack conviction to change me so I latch onto a partner so I don’t have to face myself and I must hide this belief so I am not rejected by my mate or potential mate. 

8.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as someone who is a ‘good’ communicator.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not a good communicator when I compare myself to another’s communication style/presentation and to fear ‘failing’ or ‘looking stupid’ when communicating and believe it is difficult to master ‘excellent’ communication. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide this belief I am not self-confident in a group of people so better to stay home and not expose myself and I should hide this because a partner/potential partner would reject me if he knew I lacked this confidence in communication/social skill. 

9.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as someone who is not possessive or jealous but still loyal=monogamous.   

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am still insecure within myself and need to see myself as someone who is possessive and jealous instead of someone who can look at a situation in the moment and act accordingly without going into my mind as past memories. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am loyal in a relationship when the truth is a relationship is a moment by moment agreement, if my partner was not monogamous I would not be loyal but end the agreement and I could decide to ‘move on’ as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide the feeling of insecurity I have (although less than it was) that my partner would leave me for someone ‘better’.

I will start with the conscious thought I have around a certain kind of man. Although it it subsiding as I am changing and am less fearful and more self aware of how I am responsible for what occurs in my life, there is a kind of man who has frightened me alot. This man would have some or all of the following qualities: be good looking, commanding ie. ‘big’ presence/personality, big ‘talent’,  outspoken, friendly-even overly friendly, sexy, very smart, educated and well spoken, big ego, loud, center of attention, tall ususally not always, wealthy, funny, popular, fit, and muscular. I would be sexually attracted to these men, again usually and if they rejected me in any way, I would assume it was because I was a failure, I was not ‘enough’ (of something) for them and they were ‘right’.

Recently, and as recent as last night, I am becoming more aware of my ‘backchat’ which are the thoughts running continuously in your mind  (some call the ‘squirrels’ ‘gerbals running on the wheel’ ‘the committee’) . They are often vicious observations , they are memories of experiences of your past that keep playing out, supposedly protecting you /warning you but I see more and more they keep me enslaved to my mind and mind patterns.  So just for ‘fun’ I will guess some of the backchat thoughts would be; stupid prick, I fuckin’ hate men like that, he doesn’t like me, men like that never like me, i’m not pretty enough or funny enough, i’m just not enough of something , I’ll make him notice me, I hate him, stay away from him, he will humiliate you.

Thought Pattern: I hate Dr. H. (my Dad was a chiropractor and many of his friends were) He’s never nice to me. Be careful of him. He thinks your just pretty and disregards me other than that. I’m not ‘good enough’ to talk to or joke with , like he does with that girl/woman, I am not ‘good enough’ to give attention to or become friends with. If I try to talk with him he blows me off. I dont’ look good tonight. He likes her, she’s really funny and cute/beautiful/smart/rich/successful/unique, I’m just plain and average. I don’t blame him. Just talk to the other losers. They’re nice. I hate fucking men like that anyway.

thought: Men like that; smart, funny, successful, handsome, popular, powerful, don’t like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think men who are smart funny, successful, handsome, successful, popular and powerful don’t like me. I realize it makes no difference whether someone likes me or not , I am the same in either case. I no longer accept and allow myself to be ’emotionally’ dependent on another’s opinion and interaction with me. I realize I can trust myself now and if I am not ‘comfortable’ with someone I can stay at a distance and don’t need to interact with them. I no longer accept and allow myself to judge someone if I choose not to interact with them or they choose to not interact with me.

Whenever I have the thought   ‘ Men like that; smart, funny, successful, handsome, popular, powerful, don’t like me’ I stop, I breathe. I realize I can choose who I speak to without any emotion attached to the descision. I no longer accept and allow myself to need approval from  others, I no longer accept and allow myself to be energetically charged with emotions (fear, insecurity, jealousy) that can harm me. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical with each ‘here’ moment of breath and I remind myself I do not need to ‘feel’ popular, liked, pretty but can enjoy my own company and relax and calm down in whatever social situation I find myself in.

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A pattern I have seen, with the men in my life, is waiting up for them, worrying, obsessing over their whereabouts, safety, fidelity, intentions, and integrity. It started as a little girl pacing in my bedroom until my Dad came home. It did not matter if he was home at 3a.m. I would not sleep until he pulled in the driveway. It continued into my first marriage for many years. Today I find myself going into this pattern now and then if one of my adult children are late (when they are at home, that is).

Thought Pattern: He’s not home yet. What time is it? How many hours has he been late? I hope he hasn’t gotten into a car accident. Oh god, please bring him home safely, please let him be ok, pleeeeeeease God, I’ll do anything. What time is it? He’s drinking and driving. He’s probably drunk. Its’ a snow  storm, he could be killed or hurt. Maybe he’s fooling around. He may be unfaithful….He’s not home yet. What time is it…….

Thought: Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to think ‘Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss-of father/husband/child, anxiety, self-pity, helplessness, hopelessness over the thougtht, ‘   Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen.’

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear and anxiety over the thought, ‘Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen’ I stop , I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to waste my time on victim statements in my mind. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by fear of loss but instead bring myself back to the physical in that moment and realize the only thing that is real is ‘here’ in this breath. I realize I don’t control events outside of myself and I calm down and take whatever action, a phone call perhaps, is necessary or possible, I talk to someone about my concern, I watch tv if I feel it would help me until I find out what has occurred for this person to be late.