Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

I realized when doing muscle communication, part of my *Dip course, I have a huge resentment toward my husband. A few mornings ago I, not only reacted but over-reacted to the simple act of him turning off some lights,  first thing in the morning. Just recently I have been getting up first, now I am no longer taking any sleep medication I require much less sleep (awesome!).

When my husband, Alex gets up at 7am it is just getting light out so I still have the lights on and I am usually sitting at my computer.  He turned off the hall light upstairs and then came downstairs and turned off the dining room light, without asking me. I went ballistic. My justification was that, since I work at home, it was like he was in my office and how dare he make a decision that affected my ability to do my work.

I felt guilty about my over-reaction. I also brought into the ‘fight’ that he and his daughter are inconsiderate by leaving their personal belongings all over the house, not cleaning up the kitchen after themselves, etc.

I googled the difference between anger and resentment. I seems that anger is experienced in the moment-for the event that is occurring and resentment runs deeper as an emotion of anger built up over time for issues one has not dealt with let alone resolved.

What I then realized is that I am resentful towards him for not being open to moving and not being open to getting a loan so we can finish our renovations, which inhibits our ability to act should we decide to move.

We are so broke all the time, as our mortgage is large and the property tax is large as well as the bills to run the home (it is not a large home but not small either). So he is constantly turning down the heat, turning off lights etc. to reduce expenses. Although I agree with this strategy, I feel he goes to extremes about it and I want to be comfortable with small things in my home.

I believe we can live quite fine in a condo or smaller home. As well I worry that interest rates in Canada will rise (the government is warning the public this could happen at any time now) and as a consequence the housing market will crash and we will lose the equity we have in our home and end up owing more than we have, for example the value of the home drops to 100 and we owe 200. Therefore, we will not have any equity/money left to purchase a new home or even afford an apartment.

Whereas, if we moved now we would have a good sum to purchase a smaller property, even be mortgage free and thus reduce the financial stress in our lives and have money to assist our children with university, I could save to go to the Desteni Farm, he could go on a golf trip, whatever, not be cash strapped!

Thought: I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting.

Realizations: I realize Alex is doing his best to get along with me and ‘save’ our home. I realize he believes the market will subside/adjust somewhat and then slowly increase over time as we live in a ‘desirable’ location and the economy rises and falls and it will continue to do so as it did with our parents generation. I realize he thinks I adhere to some doomsday prophecy which he believes is unrealistic and I should not ‘worry’.  I realize it is my responsibility to address thoughts, feelings and emotions that come up inside of me and to communicate this calmly to another being when appropriate and not in reaction. I realize Alex loves and respects me and does intend the best for all of us as a family. I realize both he and Campbell have improved in picking up after themselves.

Acceptances & Allowances: I no longer accept and allow myself to react in anger and resentment towards Alex when he does things in the home to save money, we discuss bills, I bring up the option of moving, we are stressed before ‘payday’, the kids need money, we talk about our renovation.

Self Forgiveness:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of each and every movement within me so as to be responsible for my thoughts, feelings and emotions and not blame Alex for what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Alex as wrong and me as right, within the mind consciousness’s design of polarity thinking instead of focusing on myself and the issue so we can find a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm myself by carrying issues within my human physical body by keeping silent in the moment when an issue arises, thereby creating resentment within and as me and unleashing this resentment toward someone I love and respect and causing them suffering.

Self-Corrective Application:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of resentment toward the thought, ‘I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting’ I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow energy as a reaction inside of me to go unnoticed and not addressed. I remind myself it is all about money (which is not even real) and we are both working and life is very expensive. I remind myself Alex is my companion whom I appreciate as he offers me endless support and company. I bring myself back to the physical and out of my mind of thought, to what is in fact real and continue breathing with awareness of each breath here. I get on with my day.

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Self-Corrective Statements

Realisations to be lived: I realize I have always had infatuations with male authority figures in my life, every boss I ever had. I realize I associated this figure- dominant, strong-as someone who can take care of me, abdicating my own responsibility to stand as one and equal in this world. I realize I am married and will not deceive my husband by doing anything against that which we have agreed upon, within our marriage agreement. I realize I am equal to GR and do not need to sexualize and then impose/associate/project feelings that exist within me onto him or any other ‘older’ male figure in my life. I realize my feelings are my responsibility to address within self-honesty and self-forgiveness.

Practical scripts in relation to each trigger-point:

•        Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of lust, need for excitement/wanting- like something is missing or guilt, when thinking, ‘I would love to have sex with this man’ I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself let the image of a large ‘masculine’ man act as a trigger point within me controlling my thoughts and my body. Instead I bring myself out of the mind of illusion and back to reality of the physical with each ‘here’ breath. I continue with my day.

•        Whenever I am directed by an emotion of inferiority, helplessness, hopelessness, weakness and feelings of lust and greed when I think of GR’s age as in an authority/father figure, I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to let a man’s outward appearance as in age and believing he is ‘handsome’ direct my experience ‘here’ on earth. I no longer accept and allow myself to see myself as someone who needs protection, to be taken care of  and so submit myself to sexual practices of his fancy for this protection=money. Instead I remind myself I am not my mind but a physical human being and use breath in each moment of awareness to remain with what is real. I am grateful as I continue with reality.

•        Whenever I am possess by an energetic reaction of neediness, greed, lust, at thought I would like to ‘be with/have sex with a man like GR’ I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself  ‘impressed’ influenced by the perception of one’s power, seeming commanding capable, confident but also kind and desiring to attach myself to this person because of these qualities I lack, to complete me = love. Instead I accept and allow myself to create these qualities within myself, as I am life, I create and I am in a process of self-perfection and within that be in a marriage/agreement as and offering the other to share with a whole person not a half. I bring myself back to the physical with breath, remind myself to be grateful for this moment and continue with the task at hand.

•        Whenever I am directed by lust and neediness as an energetic reaction from hearing or remembering/fantasizing about GR’s voice tonality  I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to let a sound lure me/seduce me into a feeling which causes a physical change in my body, that can harm me. Instead I remind myself I can enjoy someone’s voice in the moment when it is real and enjoy sex by –not being in my mind-but remaining ‘here’ and staying physical. I remind myself I am happily married and bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical and carry on with my day.

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Realisations to be lived:

I realize it is easy for JW to ‘look’ ‘good’ as he has lots of money so can have the best money can buy for health and well being and my husband is slogging it out living paycheque to paycheque. I realize beauty is only skin deep and fades with time for all human beings, so JW’s good looks are temporary. I realize I am attracted to the idea of cars and helicopters and exotic vacation and fun/worry free sex and not the ‘kinder/gentler‘ side of this person as I have that in my life already. I realize my fantasy about this person is totally self-interest based as I would want his money to promote my music and enjoy meeting/being entertained by all the talent he has around him.

Practical scripts in relation to each trigger-point:

Whenever I  am directed the emotions of helplessness and hopelessness , inferiority, greed  or the feelings of love and lust, need for excitement=escape my reality when thinking about /or watching JW and I am attracted to his physical appearance and age I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to be possessed by these thoughts, feelings and emotions holding me slave and taking me away from who I am in this here moment so I cannot know and express myself as life. Instead I bring my awareness back to the physical , out of my mind, and to here with my breath and focus on what is real and participate fully in my day.

Whenever I am possessed by thoughts of being with JW and I go into an energetic reaction of lust, excitement, greed, envy, competition because of my attraction to his voice, as in English accent, I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to live inside my head of fantasies and illusionary thoughts that can harm me. Instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and focus on my life-what is real-and before me. I remind myself to be grateful for my family and all I have as in food, shelter, warmth in the winter, friends and clothing.

Whenever I have thoughts that I wish I could be intimate with JW because of his poise of being calm, strong and commanding or going an energetic reaction of lust and fantasy about a life with him I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to project these perceived  ‘attractive’ qualities outward but instead  live these qualities as and within myself in self honesty and awareness. I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical and see how I can appropriately apply these qualities practically within my life in a way that is best for all and I focus on the task at hand.

Whenever I am directed by an energetic reaction of greed and lust and fear of survival at the thought , ‘I wish I could be with JW, he is rich and famous, and my life could be relaxed and fun/exciting  and I would have time for musical expression’, I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to be controlled by fear of loss = survival, living inside my mind of thoughts, feeling and emotions forever destined to remain trapped in timeloops as my starting point is always from the past and therefore I create the past , as in lack again and again. Instead I bring myself out of my head and back ‘here’ to the physical and remind myself change in ‘space/time’ takes time and I can practice patience and trust myself. I focus on my day and continue with breath in each moment.

Whenever I am directed by and possessed by thoughts, feeling and emotions about JW’s successful music promotion and how it could help me as a songwriter I stop, I breathe. I realize that is not a reality and not possible for several reasons and a waste of my time and these feelings could harm me. I no longer accept and allow myself to live in fantasy but instead bring myself out of my mind and back to what is real , ‘here’ in the physical and walk with breath focussing on what is before me, grateful for my experience ‘here’.  

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Whenever I am directed by a feeling of excitement, sexual arousal, lust, or the emotions of fear and greed about my perceived lack of money by seeing R’s sports car or another ‘good’ looking man’s sports car I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to be limited by my minds programmed response to an expensive sports car. Instead I remind myself I am not that programmed response and I understand money is a trap and not real but a tool used for trade and it in fact causes much human suffering. I bring myself out of my mind of thoughts ‘I want him and his car for myself’ , feelings of lust and excitment , and emotions of greed and fear, knowing all these can harm me. Instead I remind myself to be grateful,l for I have all I need, but that ‘none are free until all are free’ and I get on with my day. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These people are actually my ex-in-laws, as I have been separated from my first husband for about 17 year now. Because we had 2 children I still had several times/reason to interact with them over the years. It seems very messy and complicated to me right now as I write this. Lets see if I can keep moving and not go into my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this process is too difficult and I am too tierd to continue and I could do it tomorrow.

I will get right to the thought pattern:

I hate fuckin’ T. I hate them all. All their precious money, that’s first, then da, da, da, da, …the FAMILY. That’s all that matters. It’s quite sick because it took me years to get ‘comfortable’ with them and lovey dovey and then boom I was out, out , out! They ditched me with equal energy they initially used to embrace me. Yes, they came around quite a bit when others noticed how evil this was but all in all it ‘s like, ok..we’ll throw you a bone…now that’s enough, we help your children through their father. They are fucking rich and the brother mega rich and their daughter, my neice, is a horribly spoiled person. She delighted in humiliating my children -as did her mother- because they had the bucks to ‘inherit’ the family chalet early (they could carry it) so it gave them the excuse they needed to exercise/voice what they really believe; that they are superior and ‘better than’ so they treated my kids like crap. God I hate them all for that. My daughter was very courageous and stood up to them in a way that they could not alienate/destroy her further. She informed them repectfully she would not be going back to the ‘chalet’ so my bother in law ‘comes to the rescue’ to ‘smooth over’ what his hateful ,dispicable family did.  So my daughter is still stuck with them and ‘loves’ them but she saw the evil truth that is just underneath all their expensive clothes and cars. My sister in law said to me one year, ‘I’d love to do it every year, darlin'” suggesting she would take my daughter on a southern vacation yearly. Insensitive cow, I was just making ends meet and she and the others would swoop in and take them away, or buy a car (Mom, can I have gas money, can you help pay for car repairs?) expensive snowboard equipment, weekends at expensive cottage on and on. No it didn’t help in the long run, it was fucking humiliating.  I have sucked up to them for years so that I don’t ‘hurt my children’ and for that my ex screamed at me last week ‘you fucking bitch’ when all I have ever done is tried my best to ‘get along’ with him and his family. Enough is enough. Fuck them.

Thought:  I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and go into an energetic reaction within my physical human body of the following harmful emotions: fear, guilt, shame, humiliation, hatred, sorrow, rejection, lonliness, regret, vulnerability, anger and inferiority at the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: chalet, cottage, Muskoka, wealth, rich, money, family, christmas, children, unfair, alcoholism, insane, husband, ex-husband, love, revenge, car, Mercedes, BMW, clothes, jewlery to the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of  fear, guilt, shame, humiliation, hatred, sorrow, rejection, lonliness, regret, vulnerability, anger and inferiority at the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot’, I stop, I breathe.  I realize they have helped me (the children) in various ways throughout the years. I realize it is the money system and their own programming which directs them. I realize it is my responsibility, as I made the decision to have children, to provide for them. I realize I would probably behave the same way if I had become wealthy in this world.   I no longer accept and allow myself to blame others for my life circumstances as it is a waste of time. I accept and allow myself to heal through self forgiveness and be free from energy of memories (as pictures in my mind, thoughts, emotions) that could harm me. I accept and allow myself to walk in presence and awareness of my physical human body in each breath as that is what I can trust in this world. I accept and allow myself to end the cycle/timeloops that these reactions to thoughts have caused. I bring myself out of my mind of illusions and back to the physical and feel my feet on the ground and get on with my day.