Posts Tagged ‘drugs’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink ‘alcoholically’ for ten years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by fear and think ‘this is an overwhelming topic and I can never possibly get through it.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me not hear the voices in my head and I’ll be able to live and sleep enough to get by.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me keep my children so no one will know I’ve gone insane.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of sadness at starting this exercise and think, ‘No wonder I was putting it off, it’s terrible remembering all this horror.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I need to drink before I go out to a social event or on a date so I’ll be more relaxed, have more fun, be myself’, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind and a memory of crawling up the stairs, one stair at a  time slowly and thinking, ‘I’m not going to make it’ and pausing for several minutes on each stair because I was so loaded and to have this memory exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and picture exist in my mind within and as me of being in the bathtub and continually passing out and coming to gasping for air and thinking, ‘I gotta get outta this tub, I could drown’ and doing this over and over for I do not know how long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of me choking over the sink or toilet from vomit and thinking, ‘I don’t think I’m gonna make it, I can’t catch my breath’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture and memory exist within my mind , existing within and as me,  of throwing up or gagging over the kitchen sink and then drinking more, thinking ‘that’s ok, no big deal, I can keep this down, its ok, I gotta keep this down…fuck, I gotta be able to drink this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have a picture of my daughter crying exist in my mind and a memory of her and my son at her birthday dinner when I said , ‘I wish I could kill myself sometimes’ . What a total asshole, I sobered up right away (instantly) and apologized, not that that makes it ‘better’ but it was a start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and a picture exist in my mind of driving with my children with a ‘traveller’ = booze so  drinking and driving and drinking while driving endangering myself, my children and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of getting up one morning and looking in the mirror and being horrified as a blood vessel had broke in my eye and I looked like I had been beaten up, the whites of my eyes were yellow, I was bloated and bruised on my arms and legs and did not know why (except I knew alcohol thins the blood so you bruise ‘easily’) , I could not stand up straight and threw up and crawled back into bed. And then the thought, “OMG I look like I’ve been beaten, oh yeah, I have, by myself.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ” I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will Jaclyn and Garrett do with out me?  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll stop tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be directed by the emotion of guilt and self pity and self hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done. How have I harmed my children?’ when it is a waste of time and my children see me contributing to ‘society’ and within Desteni each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her ‘once again’ how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’  and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this , the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt Jaclyn and I was suppose to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Garrett sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor Garrett. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is lazy now. He sits in front of his computer all day now. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of Garrett’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back because I had blacked out and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bring up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love Garrett. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’ Whenever I have this memory now, I stop, I breath. It is a waste of time to go over it again and again in my mind. I do not drink now and Garrett is ok and I am grateful for that.  I get on with my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and Jaclyn taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. she asked what it was and I said something like ‘it is a special drink for adults don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt and shame and regret to bring up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I wreaked of booze through my pores. I was often sweaty and shaky.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, at the bar smoking.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of some of the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, many of them were kind, I just used them to feed my sorry ego, I often became physical with them and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I did not even remember them and I would brush them off, sometimes insensitively as I was often hung over.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to these men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across super friendly/somewhat flirty/strong, confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, sad lol. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my cousin one christmas at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idoit, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face. Her father died of alcoholism and they did not have as much money, growing up, as the other cousins and now she has positioned herself so she has ‘it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck her, I hate the bitch.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin hugging me/consoling me after she heard I got horribly drunk at my parents 50th wedding anniversary party that she could not attend, bringing up the thought, ‘L. is very sweet to stand up for me. I am very embarrassed. I guess everyone knows what happened.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin, who is an alcoholic, pouring hard liquor down his throat in the forest by the cottage (my family’s cottage and his were beside each other) and passing out.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Poor M. he is a ‘severe’ alcoholic and cannot drink. He seems miserable and fucked up.He should go to AA (alcoholics anonymous) as it would help him learn how to live sober.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in W’s kitchen, as she offered to watch my kids when I went to a AA meeting, her house being large and incredibly opulent and thinking, ‘Her husband is so successful and decent and handsome. She never has to worry about money. I wonder how that feels? I wish I could feel that. I am such a pathetic loser. I married the wrong man, she was smart, she married the ‘right’ man. Oh god, get this over with. I can’t wait to get home and drink. Stupid bitch, she thinks it so simple with her ‘help’, its just one meeting, tomorrow who is going to watch the kids? No one and I will drink, oh fuck what a loser. Look at all she has , it is so beautiful and comfortable here, my kids love it here. Just get through this and home soon and drink, thank god… soon.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by regret, shame, guilt, self-hate, humiliation, fear, jealousy, confusion, self-pity bring up the thought, ‘What does she think, one meeting is going to change anything. I know it won’t. Just go and come back and get your kids and get them out of her clutches of ‘we have so much, abundance and you don’t’ and get home so you can drink.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m never going to get through this, it’s too much, it’s not going to change anything. I should be making money.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having no regard for my physical health. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and instead put my ‘faith’ in my ‘higher power’=my mind and follow it’s ‘guidance’.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust and therefore my actions outside of myself in others and the idea of a ‘higher power’ in total separation of myself and my world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize my alcoholism and instead live/exists in total self-pity and self-victimization, not taking responsibility and empowering myself with my own ability to change my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, “Life should not be something you just ‘get through'” and doubted sticking to my guns ( my decision to not re-enter the work force because I did not believe in the world money/business systems) but instead ‘felt’ defeated by the world and wondered if everyone else was ‘right’ and I should just get a regular job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate the responsibility for the health of my human physical body to… what? Chance, luck, doctors, miracles, money, god, spirits, prayer, hope.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt what I have questioned (although way back in my mind, didn’t think I had the right to question) throughout my life; why shouldn’t I be in complete control of my physical human body, why don’t I know what’s going on with my body, who designed this, it sucks, it should be changed so human’s are not such prisoners in their bodies, it should be a delight to exist, not so precarious and frightening, every time you walk out the door something can kill you. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my right to ask these questions in fearing the creator would think I was ungrateful and therefore undeserving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking , ‘No wonder I drank, life sucked, I’d rather be drunk than have to submit to the world systems. Thank god for Desteni.’

I will end this blog for now. May publish a continuation.

I have used over the counter sleep medication for years. Not perscription, which is a narcotic and stronger but none the less a physical dependency. I am slowly letting this go and it feels great to not be so tired and groggy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so that I  could sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to be so afraid of myself, separating me from myself, that I had to drug myself to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know better than doctors what to do with my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the medical profession or my family or my ex’s family that they would let the children stay with me (let me raise them) if I told them I was ‘hearing voices’ and couldn’t sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not trust myself to the extent I placed all my trust /respect /love outside of myself in separation of myself and got so sick I nearly died.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be influenced by guilt which was triggered by the thought, ‘Now I have a dependency on sleeping pills, I shouldn’t take them but they help me sleep, it is frightening to sleep otherwise and I need sleep to function.’

I forgive myself for being directed by the emotion of pride triggered by the thought, “Soon after I found Desteni and understood what was happening with my mind I no longer longer let my mind frighten/bully me at night and began withdrawing from this dependency almost right away.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on longer than I needed to , to start withdrawing from the sleep aid thinking/justifying, ‘It’s a comfort to me, it feels good, I don’t drink now so no big deal.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear triggered by the thought, ” I shouldn’t take a sleep medication, it is a drug, I wonder what the long term effects are of taking these things for years ?(5 years? not sure). ”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt triggered by the thought, ‘It’s difficult for me to get a 9 to 5er job again because of the sleep med., I am ‘damaged goods’ not a ‘full person’ anymore, oh well, I guess my husband could leave me because I don’t earn a lot of income, his daughter will like that, I should have married someone with more money.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself go into an energetic reaction of sadness and self pity triggered by the thought, ‘I am damaged goods because I went nuts, drank and then used sleeping pills to survive my mind.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize the use of a sleep aid so I could keep my ‘comfort’ knowing it limited the number of productive hours I have in a day, it is a ball and chain (dependency on a drug is an enslavement) in that I never want to run out or not have them if I am not at home unexpectedly, I need to take them at a precise time each night, they cost money and I don’t have much cash on hand, they make me groggy when I awake and cause me to often have a rest mid-day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drug myself so I am not able to be a fully functioning participant in my world and I am instead enslaved to sleep and a ‘feeling’ of tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an escape from my reality with the thought, ‘oh well, I’ll just get through this day, it doesn’t matter if I nap, it’s almost over’, instead of seizing the opportunity of each moment to live/give/ and receive in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by ‘worry’ about what others will think of me, think that I am stupid, less than, undeserving because of my dependency on a sleep medication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping pills as my alcoholism worsened to be able to ‘get through the night’ and not wake up so early and sleep through part of the ‘hang over’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my dependency on sleep aids from my husband triggered by the thought, ‘He won’t respect me/love me/won’t marry me/ will leave me if he knows I take sleeping pills.’ (I no longer do this)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my use of a sleeping aid from others children, family, and friends brought about from the thought, ‘They won’t respect, love me, will abandon, will say I am still an addict if they know I use a sleep aid.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Fuck them, I know what I’m doing, I can do what I want, it hurts no one but me, I am doing what I need to , to survive’ in relation to my use of a sleep aid.

I am publishing this but adding to it and it will be included in my Self Forgiveness Book available at Eqafe.com early in 2012. Please investigate Desteni.co.za and DesteniIProcess to find you way out of the maze FOR GOOD! You are not lost, you can trust yourself again, it is the mind. If I can become whole anyone can, I was a mess. I am grateful to this  process of self realization and empowerment that is REAL,  not just a bunch of lame positive thinking statements based on BS, in the holey name of profit.

I remember my father was drinking in the afternoon on a Saturday. My sister was over with her children. I was probably in my early 20’s and at my parents house for the weekend as I was attending university. My Dad was upset about how she was dealing with her kids.  She was a very competent parent but he could not handle any ‘upset’ and the kids were very young and probably acting up a little. He said something like, “You better get your kids under control or the Children’s Aid is going to take them away from you and your mother and I are not going to raise them.’ It was ugly. She did stand up for herself but then he just put her down more, there was no ‘winning’ when he drank.

Thought: My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks.

Thought Pattern:  What an asshole. Bullying my sister. He should leave her alone. Poor T. she doesn’t deserve that. I wish I could protect her but he scares me. He is lucky she even comes over after how he treated her as a teenager. She is a wonderful parent and he’s nuts. Why does he drink if it turns him into a monster after 2 sips of beer. I’m staying away from him. The stupid prick is insane and my mother just pretends everything is fine, don’t talk about it and it will go away. Children’s aid has enough families to help who need the help, they would never disrupt a functioning family as it would serve no purpose and only harm. Duh, what about that does he not get?  WTF is wrong with him?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,  ‘My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘ My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks alcohol.’ exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotions of hate, fear, suspicion, sadness and guilt to the thought,   ‘ My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks alcohol.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words father, sister, nephew, backyard, summer, beer, drunk, mean, insane, nuts, children, children’s aid, afternoon to the thought, ‘ My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks alcohol.’

Realizations:  I realize my sister did not need my protection and I have no  reason to feel guilty because she  received more verbal abuse from him, as the older sibling. I realize she dealt with it in her own way. I realize my father had a spit personality of being ‘normal/reasonable’ sober and a ‘monster’ when he drank.  I realize it is up to my sister to ‘forgive’ him/not judge/let it go’ when she is ready and a waste of my time to concern myself with it as it changes nothing.

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of anger or sadness at the thought,  ‘My father was insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drank  alcohol’  I stop, I breathe. I realize he was a sick man and did not want to hurt his children but could not control himself. I realize this memory is not my reality now but exists as a file in my ‘mind’ ready to control me by bringing up emotions that can harm me and using it as a starting point to influence/control my moment ‘here’. I no longer accept and allow this memory to be ‘alive’ within and as me. Instead I bring myself back to this ‘here’ moment with breath and focus on the task at hand , grateful for my experience here and get on with my day.

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There were several polarities and contradictions within my family of origin. My father felt ‘superior’ to people of black skin and ‘inferior’ to people who made more money than he did. My father and his brothers would literally ‘hide’ all the alcohol in their homes whenever my grandparents were coming over, as my grandparents believed alcohol to be evil. My father and his younger brother were both alcoholic. Interesting. No one was aloud to talk about family mental problems and I was chastised by my uncle for talking about my Grandfather’s final days being delusional thinking he was back in the trenches of WWI, fighting for his life.  There was much mental illness in the family of varying degrees.

Thought:  The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.

Thought pattern: I am powerless, these people are fucking crazy and I’m stuck-with no voice-with them. It is how they say and I can’t speak up to defend others , to defend myself, to present a more rational thought, to contribute equally to the family. They are so wrong and so sick. I know human beings are equal, I know hiding doesn’t solve a problem, I know many people suffer in this family and the silence around this is deadly. I shut up out of fear of rejection to protect my own survival. I was powerless, the bastards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them’ exist within and as me as real. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotions of hate, anger, confusion, guilt and shame to the thought, ‘  The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.’ I forgive myself for connecting the words K.’s, family, uncle, father, alcoholism, crazy, nuts, insane, funeral, hospital, hide, funny, booze, blacks,whites, superior, inferior, joke, racist, racism, money, victim, little, fear, boss, silence, less-than,wedding, living room, L’s, shame, ashamed, cousin to the thought, ‘ The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.’

Realizations:   I realize my father and uncles probably felt the same about their parents, who were radical ‘Christian’ extremist and racist (my grandfather was a Protestent minister-hmm?!) I realize they did the best they could with what they understood as the truth. I realize they were often kind and ‘loving’. I realize they too were ‘victimized’ and ‘helpless’ as children and did not mean to pass on ‘the sins of the father’ . I realize I am standing and correcting myself so as to not repeat the past with my own children.

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I am possessed by an energetic reaction;  of shame around ‘mental illness’ , polarity thinking around competition and survival, or fear around the need to hide myself= my thoughts or actions  I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to be a slave to the past, as in thoughts that bring up harmful emotions  and set me once again spiraling in timeloops of forever re-living the past. I no longer accept and allow myself to with one and equal to a helpless victim these thoughts acting as the chains that imprison me, no end to the thoughts as links in this chain, they extend to my children as well and so on. Instead I stop and break the thought pattern as links by bringing myself back ‘\here’ and applying breath and self forgiveness in the moment and then getting on wit my day with gratitude.

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There are certain people I have memories of that bring up jealousy and resentment.   These 4 people all have alot of money, 1 is a  family member and 2 were ‘best friends’ with myself and my ex-husband.

Thought: I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.

Thought Pattern: Assholes, they believe in the mentality of  survival of the fittest, that it is ‘justice’. They think because I lost my money through my troubles they are better than me. I can’t believe how superficial I was to hang around with them.  I don’t understand people who are so ‘nice’ one time and then so cold and distant the next time you see them. I should not have made myself vulnerable to B as I did not know her well enough anymore (knew her from childhood) and I put myself in a position to be judged by her and was humiliated. Fuck her, stupid bitch. F is incredibly greedy to dump her husband and be so impressed by men who have 100 million instead of her husband who only has 3 or 4 million. I hope she drowns in her money.  ‘A’ only cares about how things look on the outside; her expensive home, cottage  and how her children excel and wants you to know about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me’ exist within and as me as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the emotions of guilt, shame, humiliation, jealousy, hatred, less-than, inferiority, resentment anger and fear exist within and as me as a trigger point, triggering the thought,  ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words;  cottage, ski, mansion, rich, wealth, easy,  church, divorce, money, toys, horse, wedding, children, Lorne Park, cousin, friends, and past to the thought,  ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.’

Realizations: I realize B does not know me and I do not have to take her assumptions personally.  I realize F is going through her own process in life and I don’t need to judge her. I realize we had many fun times together when our children were young and we shared as honestly as we were able to. I realize our friendship was affected by the break up of my marriage. I realize ‘A’ is doing what she feels is best in her life and I have no right to judge her or her children. I realize G is a ‘good’ man and it does not matter if we don’t keep in touch as much as we used to, it is only my ego that cares.

Self Corrective Statement:   Whenever I am directed by  jealousy, anger, resentment- and thereby validating these emotions and believing them to be real- at the thought,  ‘I ‘  hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me’, I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself  to be controlled by these emotions that can harm me, causing me to forever re-live the past by engaging in my mind of past memories as my starting point. Instead I bring myself out of my mind of illusion and back to reality, ‘here’ in the physical. I remind myself not to judge another, I remind myself to be grateful for all I have in my life, I remind myself no one actually ‘owns’ anything in this world, we all use what we require for a period of time.  I get back to the task at hand and focus my attention on what is before me.

Unfortunately when my father drank he became a bully and his target was his children. So misguided, very sad. Totally out of the blue, I must have been about 10-12 and my sister about 15-16, ‘If either of you two sluts gets pregnant I’ll kick you from here to New York City. ‘ We lived in Toronto, Canada so that was a mighty kick. Uh, ok Dad. I mean what do you say to that? I was a virgin and had no interest in boys (or very little) at that point. I was no trouble to my parents in any way, in fact very careful to stay out of the way and ‘do everything’ right. So (I was too stunned to remember what my sister did or said) I just said nothing and did not move. I had leaned the hard way anything I said or did at that point would be wrong and attacked. I was terrified and remain still until he left. I’m sure he spewed more hatred out at us but I don’t remember the details. My sister and I were not close and my mother did not want to talk about these things, she actually did not know how. So, I was left alone to somehow ‘make it ok’, the next day he could be nice as pie  afterall, get over it(very cruel to do that to a child,’ be’ such dichotemy). I would spend alot of time alone in my bedroom delving into my mind, the start of shame, self loathing, mental sickness, and the birth of my own inner and outer bully.

Thought:  He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.

Thought pattern:  He was wrong about me, he didn’t know me. He was wrong to treat me like property, like he owned me. Like, as a kid he could do with/speak with as he fucking saw fit, with no consequences.  I knew that as a child. Why didn’t he fucking know it. He was not fit to have children. People should have to get a licence to have a child. It was cruel to be so insanely frightening and then so kind the next day, fucks a kid up, no wonder I became a drunk. God, I hope I didn’t hurt my kids . Well, I did but we have gone through it  several times since I have been sober. Thank god for AA.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick’ to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to    be possessed by an energetic reaction of anger, shame, inferiority, fear, hatred, guilt, confusion which triggered an onslaught of thoughts and in turn increased emotion round and round initiating with the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words alcohol, father, slut, New York, sister, mother, bedroom, alone, child, abuse, stupid, bully, pregnant, sex, insane to the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I am directed by anger, fear, guilt, shame, hatred, or inferiority at the thought,  ‘ He was  insane when he drank. I hate my father, the fucking prick’, I stop, I breathe. I realize my father was sick in his mind and his body with alcoholism. I realize he did not want to or  plan to intentionally hurt his children. I realize he was a ‘good’ parent in other ways as he provide financially very well for us and worked very hard. I realize he felt ‘guilty’ about how he treated his children/me as he got older and did his ‘best’/in his own way to ‘say sorry’ by being a more ‘loving’ parent.  I realize my father loved/respected me later in his life and I him. I no longer accept and allow myself to be controlled by thoughts about the past. I no longer accept and allow myself to be enslaved by emotions that can harm me, accepting the ‘sins of the father’ within and as me and re-playing them in my present life and so passing them onto my children and on and on it goes. Instead I bring myself out of my mind of thoughts and emotions and back ‘here’ to the physical with breath. I accept and allow myself to remain and stop the mind with each ‘here’ moment. Sometimes it is indeed a moment to moment exercise as the mind races and insists on controlling me, I stop/delete each thought, feel my feet on the ground and continue on with the task at hand.

These people are actually my ex-in-laws, as I have been separated from my first husband for about 17 year now. Because we had 2 children I still had several times/reason to interact with them over the years. It seems very messy and complicated to me right now as I write this. Lets see if I can keep moving and not go into my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this process is too difficult and I am too tierd to continue and I could do it tomorrow.

I will get right to the thought pattern:

I hate fuckin’ T. I hate them all. All their precious money, that’s first, then da, da, da, da, …the FAMILY. That’s all that matters. It’s quite sick because it took me years to get ‘comfortable’ with them and lovey dovey and then boom I was out, out , out! They ditched me with equal energy they initially used to embrace me. Yes, they came around quite a bit when others noticed how evil this was but all in all it ‘s like, ok..we’ll throw you a bone…now that’s enough, we help your children through their father. They are fucking rich and the brother mega rich and their daughter, my neice, is a horribly spoiled person. She delighted in humiliating my children -as did her mother- because they had the bucks to ‘inherit’ the family chalet early (they could carry it) so it gave them the excuse they needed to exercise/voice what they really believe; that they are superior and ‘better than’ so they treated my kids like crap. God I hate them all for that. My daughter was very courageous and stood up to them in a way that they could not alienate/destroy her further. She informed them repectfully she would not be going back to the ‘chalet’ so my bother in law ‘comes to the rescue’ to ‘smooth over’ what his hateful ,dispicable family did.  So my daughter is still stuck with them and ‘loves’ them but she saw the evil truth that is just underneath all their expensive clothes and cars. My sister in law said to me one year, ‘I’d love to do it every year, darlin'” suggesting she would take my daughter on a southern vacation yearly. Insensitive cow, I was just making ends meet and she and the others would swoop in and take them away, or buy a car (Mom, can I have gas money, can you help pay for car repairs?) expensive snowboard equipment, weekends at expensive cottage on and on. No it didn’t help in the long run, it was fucking humiliating.  I have sucked up to them for years so that I don’t ‘hurt my children’ and for that my ex screamed at me last week ‘you fucking bitch’ when all I have ever done is tried my best to ‘get along’ with him and his family. Enough is enough. Fuck them.

Thought:  I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and go into an energetic reaction within my physical human body of the following harmful emotions: fear, guilt, shame, humiliation, hatred, sorrow, rejection, lonliness, regret, vulnerability, anger and inferiority at the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: chalet, cottage, Muskoka, wealth, rich, money, family, christmas, children, unfair, alcoholism, insane, husband, ex-husband, love, revenge, car, Mercedes, BMW, clothes, jewlery to the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of  fear, guilt, shame, humiliation, hatred, sorrow, rejection, lonliness, regret, vulnerability, anger and inferiority at the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot’, I stop, I breathe.  I realize they have helped me (the children) in various ways throughout the years. I realize it is the money system and their own programming which directs them. I realize it is my responsibility, as I made the decision to have children, to provide for them. I realize I would probably behave the same way if I had become wealthy in this world.   I no longer accept and allow myself to blame others for my life circumstances as it is a waste of time. I accept and allow myself to heal through self forgiveness and be free from energy of memories (as pictures in my mind, thoughts, emotions) that could harm me. I accept and allow myself to walk in presence and awareness of my physical human body in each breath as that is what I can trust in this world. I accept and allow myself to end the cycle/timeloops that these reactions to thoughts have caused. I bring myself out of my mind of illusions and back to the physical and feel my feet on the ground and get on with my day.

not censored.

My first boyfriend, TM, was a ‘nice’ guy. He was somewhat meek, short, fair skin and hair and quiet. I was attraced to him because he was very talented in the high school musicals and he was ‘cute’. He was also kind and considerate and honest, qualities I apparently did not value again for some time.   We did not enjoy ‘hot sex’. It was my first sexual experience and it meant little to me. We stayed together for the high school years only because I was not self honest enough to tell him I was not happy in the relationship any longer.  He was very dependant, a homebody, and seemed afraid of life. When I did ‘break up’ with him he took it hard, we were probably all of 18 years old. He told me he considered killing himself and acted strangely with me even years later. There was a painful meeting 6 months after the breakup, he hoped I would have ‘come to my senses’ but I had moved on to the next ‘love of my life’ . Note: I am not aware of the thought patterns to a great extent as they are, for me, more ‘backchat’ (explained in previous blog). So I am somewhat ‘guessing’. I will be studying by ‘backchat’ in the second year of my course with Desteni!

Thought pattern: Poor TM, he’s such a loser, it’s so sad, I feel terrible but I just didn’t love him, I hated sex with him, no way it would have worked, I hope I never see him again, oh God, that would be awful ,I hope he’s happy, it was so awful hurting him, poor guy, he didn’t have a supportive, strong family, it’s ridiculous how much importance he put on our relationship, it was wrong of him to make me feel sooooo guilty. Oh well, the whole relationship went on too long, it was just wrong.

Thought:  Oh poor TM. God, I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think , ‘Oh poor TM. God, I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in a relationship based on deception. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and guilt  at the thought, ‘Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: high school, Lorne Park, White Oaks Park, boyfriend, first, virgin, oral sex, swimming pool,and ‘The Flintstones’, to the thought, ‘ Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that.’ Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of guilt at the thought, ‘Oh poor TM. God I hope I never bump into him. It was wrong of him to guilt me out like that’, I stop, I breathe. I realize I am not responsible to ‘take care of / protect’ in a caretaker role or savior role another adult in this world.  I no longer accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts and emotions of guilt in my mind that can harm me or others instead I bring myself back to ‘here’, to the physical and remind myself all that is real is this moment. I remind myself, should I meet this person again, I will treat him with the respect and dignity I would want to to treated, as we are one and equal.

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My next boyfriend, in University, I will call KP.  He was the opposite of TM as he was tall,dark and handsome, loud, a heavy drinker/other substances, a womanizer, witty, sexy, loved to be out in bars and party. He was also full of hate and this came out more and more. He liked to ‘tease’=criticize me and humiliate me often, when we were alone and in front of others. He was dishonest and unfaithful throughout the relationship. I liked him because he was sexy and smart and looked like a ‘man’ not a boy. I see now my relationships have been largely based on outer/superficial qualities. It has all been based in self-interest, KP kept me busy by entertaining me with fun sex, an active social life, interesting discussions and readings-knowledge and information (he was a journalism student), and second guessing myself.

Thought Pattern: I hate KP, he ‘hurt’ me. He’s a liar and a cheat. He was starting to lose his looks, I bet he doesn’t look so handsome now. Probably overweight and an alcoholic. I bet he cheats on his wife or is divorced. I heard he ‘moved up’ in the world and bought a house in the neighborhood I grew up in and asked someone how I was, pretending like he treated me well. He’s a disgusting ‘pig’, a Nazi full of hate and thinks it’s funny to believe lies, a complete asshole. I hope I never see him again then I won’t have be polite and a hypocrite.

Thought: I hate KP, he hurt me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of anger,fear, humiliation, and hate at the thought, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words Lorne Park, Ryerson, journalism, Oakville, university, party, basement, sex, boyfriend, Dun and Bradstreet, Hawaii, pot, cottage, newpaper, couch, unfaithful, liar, cheat, torture to the thought, ‘ I hate KP, he hurt me.’

Whenever I have the thought, ‘I hate KP, he hurt me’, I stop, I breathe. I realize it was a long time ago I went out with him and I do not know him now. I realize the past can only hurt me if I allow it to with thoughts and emotions. I realize I am in a ‘healthy’ ‘happy’ marriage now and I do not have to fear the past. I realize, if I have these emotions of anger and hate, they come from me and I cannot blame another.  I realize I am responsible for ‘going out with’ this person for 4 years and I was unconsciously trying to re-live the relationship with my father to ‘heal’ it. I no longer accept and allow myself to be possessed by emotions of hate and anger that arise when I think of KP. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical, to ‘here’ in each moment of each breath. I remind myself that ‘here’ is all that is real in my world and I am safe and responsible for my state of being and I get on with my day.

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The next boyfriend I had became my husband. I will call him BD. Our relationship lasted 13 years, including our marriage of 9 years. We had 2 children so although our relationship changed when we separated , it is still ongoing even today. I thought, compared to KP, he was a ‘walk in the park’. I don’t think he ever wanted to get married (maybe at the beginning of our relationship) but I insisted. In many ways he was like my father, he could be ‘nice’ one minute and then quite cruel the next. He was a heavy drinker and liked to stay out late in bars. He lied and cheated (my father did not ‘cheat’ on my Mom as far as I know) and  tortured me as he would insist I was just ‘crazy’ ‘insecure’ ‘jealous’ when I would ask why he came home at 3a.m.  During our relationship he had extreme highs and lows and was often out of work. When he left, for the second time, our children were just 2 and 4 years old and I was penniless.

Thought Pattern: I hate BD, he’s a fucking asshole. If it wasn’t for the kids I would tell him to fuck off. Well, he did pay child support and can be quite kind. I shouldn’t be so bitter. He and his family are evil, they said they ‘loved me’ and then abandoned me. They are rich and I have nothing and made me sign an agreement stating I could never ‘go after’ their precious money. That’s cruel. They throw their money at my children paying for a life style I cannot compete with/keep up like members at an exclusive ski resort, expensive summer camp, a car, university away from home, expensive clothes at christmas. They use their money=power to control my children’s lives and it works. They only helped me a little when I humiliated myself by asking for a loan now and then. I hate them, may they burn in hell. They deserve that! Oh, that’s terrible. I shouldn’t think like that. No one deserves that. There were good times and kindness over the years, I’m awful! They have been generous to my children and love them. It’s just me they through in the garbage , not the kids.

Thought: I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotions of anger, resentment, fear, hate, humiliation, shame, jealousy and guilt and to go into an energetic reaction within my human physical body which can harm me when I think, ‘  I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because of their wealth. Bunch of phonies.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: ski, chalet, Markdale, cottage, summer, travel, wealthy, lifestyle, rich, greedy, Lorne Park, high school, parents, in-laws, children, divorce, family, debt, marriage to the thought,  ‘I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies.’

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of anger, hate, humiliation, shame, jealousy, resentment and guilt at the thought, ‘  I hate BD and his family. They love their fucking money more than people in this world. I hate the power/control they have over my children because they are wealthy. Bunch of phonies’ I stop, I breathe. I realize I am safe and no longer a victim as I live ‘here’ in the moment with breath.  I no longer accept and allow myself to exist as past memories inside my head that can harm me. I realize I am not more innocent or guilty than BD and his family, that we are , in fact one and equal together here, on earth. Instead I remind myself to stay outside of my mind and bring myself back ‘here’ and continue with the situation at hand, not allowing the past to interfere or be repeated as a timeloop.

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The next boyfriend I had, after my marriage ended, was with CL. Or, as he liked to remind me, it was not a relationship, I was his ‘booty call’. He would see me for sex and that’s it. I feel furious about it even as I type this. But I understand now I am angry with myself for allowing the abuse and humiliation to continue in my life with respect to ‘relationships’. I started writing music when my marriage was ‘going south’. I thought I was  ‘suppose’ to, a gift from God, I was special. But I know now it was deception as the White Light construct that kept me enslaved to the ‘story’ of Sandy. This man was a musician I met along that ‘path’. I liked him because he validated me as a woman (after being rejected by my husband), we had fun sex, he was ‘handsome’, he had a sexy singing voice and could play the piano.

Thought Pattern: Oh God, I hate that man CL, he is the devil himself. He lied to me , used me, he is an evil fucking prick. I was so innocent…well… I was so sincere in how I ‘loved’ him and he never wanted anything but sex. I drove myself literally insane obsessing over him and writing him ‘love’ songs. I nearly died because I met him, I ended my marriage too soon (lol, my husband was glad, he had wanted ‘out’ for about 5 years)  and this put me in a very vulnerable position ie. no money or practical help with 2 little children to raise. Then I became an alcoholic for Christ sake to stop the ‘voices’ in my head. Then because I was an alcoholic (stopped me from killing myself at least was good ‘tool’ for few years) I nearly lost custody of my children. All because he was a smooth fuckin devil with a silver tongue. CL ruined my life and I hate the man whole heartedly. I hope he rots, he deserves it.

Thought: Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole. He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of blame, regret, anger, bitterness, self-pity, self-loathing, hate when I think, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the  emotions of : blame, regret, anger, bitterness, self-pity, self-loathing, and hatred at the thought , ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole.  He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because of him..’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: sex , piano, song, songwriting, Leuty, basement apartment, Montreal, alcoholism, crazy, insane, suicide, Children’s Aid, pot, oil, daughter, feel, booty, booty call, use, to the thought, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he ruined my life. I went insane and became an alcoholic because I met him.’

Whenever I think, ‘Oh God, I hate that man CL, he’s a fucking asshole. He ruined my life by using me. I went insane and became an alcoholic because of him’ I stop, I breathe.  I realize I am angry at myself for ‘playing with the Devil’. I realize I desperately needed something to replace my husband, something outside of me because I had no self–esteem/worth/love . I realize I was naive but not innocent, I used him for a ‘treat’ too and wanted to use him for a ‘lifetime’ to ‘complete’ me, fill the emptiness inside of myself. I realize my insanity (see My Story: http://youtu.be/jHmtACV-ECE) eventually led me to Desteni where I am busy learning to stand, all as one as equal ‘here’ on earth and learning ‘best for all’ principals and how to implement an Equal Money System, so desperately need on this planet. I realize there is nothing I would rather be busy doing. I no longer accept and allow myself to place blame outside of myself but know I create my life in each moment of each breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be in my mind as past memories and emotions that can harm me but instead I bring myself back here to the physical and direct myself in the awareness of what is here and what is real and not re-create my past over and over. I stand and I stop the mind as possession as thoughts.  I am responsible to do what is best for all, as life as equal!

I looked up the word ‘bank’ in the dictionary (not thinking about it too much) expecting to find: financial institution, place where the public keeps their money, blah, blah, blah…Instead I found the following:

bank   dictionary.com 04/11/11

1. a long pile or heap; mass: a bank of earth; a bank of clouds.

2 a slope or acclivity

3  Physical Geography. the slope immediately bordering a streamcourse along      which the water normally runs.

4. a broad elevation of the sea floor around which the water is relatively shallow but not a hazard to surface navigation.
5 .Coal Mining. the surface around the mouth of a shaft.
It seems to me the commonality most of these definitions have is that a bank is an elevation or foundation of some part of the natural earth.  Hmm, well now that is interesting because I would have given bank the following definition:
Bank:  A place where I am told ‘no’. A place where I am humiliated. I place where I feel no one sincerely cares but put on fake smiles and a supposed helpful demeanour but I understand their ‘hands are tied’ as they ‘just work there’. A place where I feel shitty that, although I hate them, I am wrought with guilt because they are the pawns behind the cowards..I mean powerful players of the corporation (you know the ones who have billions of dollars and never show their face, I wonder how much their mortgage is ?…oh , nothing, that’s right. I wonder how much they pay in tax? …oh again nothing. they know all the ways to cheat but they do not call it cheating).
Anyway, back to the question. Will there be banks in an Equal Money System? (EMS)
No, not as you think of a bank now. One would assume that money and  banks go together but in an EMS they do not.  The banks role has purely been of  a service provider, making a profit from controlling the movement of money. However, within an EMS, the incentive to make profit will no longer exist and therefore the need for banks will no longer exist.

Money, itself, will not be owned. The only thing that will be owned will be life!  Everyone will receive equal money from birth to death.  In practicality, we will utilize the electronic infrastructure currently in place in the world as a monitoring system, which means you will be given credits on a card, say monthly, each one receiving the same, and use these credits at various stores to get all the goods and services you and your family require. So this card is  simply a tool used to trade in a responsible, accountable fashion.  Hence, money will be purely the accounting tool used to plan, implement and coordinate the details of  the division of resources at an individual and a global scale .

You won’t need to ‘pay for’ anything. You deserve all that is here for ‘free’ as you are one and equal to it. It does not matter where you are born, to what family, what history your family had. We do not put value on life as each other nor on food we produce, plants, animals, mountains, oceans nor the sky nor the rain. Time for us to wake up, all is free to roam the earth and enjoy what is here within a ‘best for all’ awareness and responsibility.

Wouldn’t it be great if banks could be transformed into community centers? A practical tool, a place to gather and support each other to become effective as individuas and as a community.

What was the common theme in dictionary definitions of ‘bank’ ?  An elevation or foundation of some part of the natural earth. The earth, home, the dust we come from and return to.  

Bank: new definition:  a natural part of the earth, a place to gather and share how to live ‘best for all’ principals, a place that lifts one up, gives one stability to grow as life, a place to support each other in all aspect of and as community, a place of togetherness as the new earthling.

Free yourself from the voice in the head that has taught you to become a ‘good’ consumer slave . Please join us at Desteni.co.za.