Posts Tagged ‘family’

Note: I embrace this process not from a starting point of blame but responsibility. I love and respect my parents and siblings, more so after having started this process of awareness and self realization (my father has passed on). I participate in this self forgiveness, as another, on my parents behalf knowing we are one and equal, to once and for all eradicate the ‘sins of the father’ so we never again have all this crap downloaded into us and we may birth ourselves as life in the physical. My parents were not at fault, my father and mother will have to go through their own process so they can become life and express who they really are, awesome expressions when free from they systems they became here!

Father:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children the emotional support they needed growing up.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children physical contact in hugging, holding them and not enough time engaging them and participating, attending events or being physically present enough in the home. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my children as a punching bag when I was stressed in that I bullied them verbally, criticizing, frightening them instead of acquiring the parental skills I needed to be a supportive, effective parent .  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in excess in the home knowing my personality changed when I drank and I treated my children cruelly and humiliated them in front of my friends, relatives and each other. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in the home  presenting to my children it is ‘normal’ ‘acceptable’ to drink alcohol even though I knew alcoholism ran rampant within our family ‘tree’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not talk to my children about the dangers of alcohol consumption. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put Sandy in a ‘box’/role of the quiet one/no trouble/good student/independant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare Sandy and P. her brother, humiliating P., saying he costs more money to the family, he is not smart like her, he causes them to worry and she doesn’t.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware that Sandy heard this, in the isolation of her room and it was verbally abusive to both S. and P. and harmed both of them.

Mother:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present to my daughter that being financially dependent on a husband was ‘normal’ and ‘safe’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not intervene when my husband was ‘picking’ on one of our children, unless it got really ‘ugly’ or physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it was ‘better to not speak up’ to defend my children but ‘safer’ for myself and the children to allow my husband be the ‘boss’ of the house (his role) because I was afraid for our survival if I spoke up and my marriage ended. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let ‘experience’ (the past-her mother was booted out of the house when she was 11 years old and she never saw her again!) dictate to me how I should behave in the present when it was obvious my husband was abusing our children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my daughter in a box/role and if she managed to wriggle out of it I had to put her in another one (easy child, no trouble, quiet…then business woman…wife/mother…troubled single mom trying to be a songwriter WTF…rebel with ‘silly’ ideas how she can change the world for the better/well meaning and kind) based on self interest so I can make sense of the world and live in ‘peace’ with ‘order’ this is who she is/this is who he is/this is the way the world is and I accept it without question, I do not speak up and ask for change, I have money and I am comfortable, I give to charity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my daughter as weak, a failure when she needed money when she was a single mom, as I believed she should be strong and independent anyway, ‘soldier on’ ‘be quiet, work hard and society will reward you, then marry again and you will be safe’ as it worked for me and it should work for Sandy.

Eldest Brother: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Sandy as a rebel, pain in the ass, going against society to an extreme extent and not being quiet and upsetting me as in making me question my own beliefs.

Sister: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe my sister is wrong for ‘borrowing’ money from our parents and she should survive without their help.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Sandy is wrong/small/putting it out there for me to see that I ‘got’ the cottage because my husband and I could afford it ( the rich get richer). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ‘mean’ to Sandy when we were children, excluding her just because she was younger and making fun of her/picking on/humiliating her ‘just because I could’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am superior to Sandy because I chose the ‘right’ husband and she chose a man like our Dad, for excitement and because he was good looking, then she complained and became poor when the marriage didn’t work out, her fault, now she has nothing and is jealous of me, tough, life worked out for me because I was smart and she was not and that is how it is, I agree with my mom, be quiet Sandy and ‘soldier on’.

Family System: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the very manifestation of separateness of human beings into small self serving groups. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system that destroys the support of community, for parents of young children and elderly people, so All as One do not take the responsibility for raising the children of our world and supporting and caring for the elderly and as such much abuse takes place within ‘households’ as families in isolation from the rest of society, as a whole. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive human beings into believing ‘blood runs thicker than water’, that ‘specialness’ is real and exists and is ‘right’ to treat some human beings one way and other humans being another way , not as equal, not as one family but each family looks after ‘it’s own’ and passes money/assets down from one generation to the next, as in ‘family money’ which leads to more separation, indifference to the suffering of others and strictly living within self interest.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ‘sins of the father’ downloading all the information of the mother and father and generations past into each and every new born child on earth, all of this information exists as files that activate as thoughts , feelings, and emotions within the un/sub/conscious mind, which the being believes to be them, it is not.

Sex System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the birthing process, of new human beings being born into this world,be excruciatingly painful for women to endure.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have women to have to endure a monthly bleeding process as part of the reproduction process required for women to be able to conceive/become pregnant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse human beings by having the orgasm experience, as a necessary part of reproduction, be so pleasurable, that they abuse it by becoming obsessed at having to experience this ‘euphoria’ as much as possible in irresponsible ways that harms other human beings, often vulnerable women and children. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation responsible for deception in a marriage that leads to ‘heartbreak’, suicide, bankruptcy, and the break up of families leaving innocent family members vulnerable to much harm and emotional unstability.

Education System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation of a system that many follow/trust in innocents not knowing how they are being controlled by the few in power, elite/governments, directing them to become another unit in the money system, controlling what ‘job’ career they will engage in, how much they will earn and enslaving them to being wage earners and consumers, not having time to express who they really are as ‘life’ ‘here’ but continually stuck in their minds ‘worrying’ about how they will pay the bills, afford this and that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bore human beings with vast amount of useless knowledge and information they are told they have to memorize, theorize, write about, figure, that they do not need and this occupies them so they do not even questions the ‘wisdom’ of all the time and effort it takes and they do not see what needs to be done in this world to bring about a life that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be equally available = affordable to all thus contributing to the vast separation of human beings within geography, family they are born into, genetics-some are born (programmed) ‘lucky’ ‘talented’ ‘gifted’ and others average or deemed ‘dumb’ ‘learning disabled’ and have no/little chance at receiving me and thus a very difficult life and cannot earn sufficient money to support themselves or their families.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be part of a system of heirachy and engage human beings in their minds as ego, as in emotions of superiority, better-than, snobbery according  to which of my institutions they or their family member attended, knowing full well their money got them there and others do not have the same/equal advantage.

Government System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest in different ‘countries’ in separation and not one cooperative world government. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control people through fear of reprisal/punishment if they challenge me , question my authority and power, report deception, report criminal behavior, gather to discuss alternatives to my rule.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess certain human being minds to the point of demonizing them so that they completely dominate, rule over with an iron fist, a group of people in  a way that is not best for all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system people/groups/countries hide behind as ‘democratic’ when it is clearly small groups of people claiming all the wealth=power and all the fruits of this earth while the masses suffer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make certain things illegal that could bring much health and stability to a population, for example making it so very difficult for entrepeneurs to bring new ideas to the ‘market’ such as health alternatives/advancements and making other substances, for example alcohol,  legal and readily available to the masses of world populations, knowing I am sedating them to keep them occupied and ‘dumbed down’ so they are quiet and easily controlled.

Music/Entertainment System/Sports System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prop people up, making them ‘larger than life’ so they receive huge sums of money=wealth, power, movement while others live in extreme poverty and die of starvation each day just because they sing ‘well’ or act as a character in a story ‘well’, or run fast or throw a ball well, or write a ‘good’ story.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess the human mind to the extent I demonize them through their ego with feelings of self importance, justification with self interest above all else, entitlement, superiority, dominance, greed, power, conceit, vanity, believing they are ‘chosen’ by ‘god’ to live a ‘privileged’ life so it is justified they have so much money and can do and buy whatever they want even if they have 20 cars and 10 houses and they know others have nothing!  They are favored by god, lol.

I will start with the conscious thought I have around a certain kind of man. Although it it subsiding as I am changing and am less fearful and more self aware of how I am responsible for what occurs in my life, there is a kind of man who has frightened me alot. This man would have some or all of the following qualities: be good looking, commanding ie. ‘big’ presence/personality, big ‘talent’,  outspoken, friendly-even overly friendly, sexy, very smart, educated and well spoken, big ego, loud, center of attention, tall ususally not always, wealthy, funny, popular, fit, and muscular. I would be sexually attracted to these men, again usually and if they rejected me in any way, I would assume it was because I was a failure, I was not ‘enough’ (of something) for them and they were ‘right’.

Recently, and as recent as last night, I am becoming more aware of my ‘backchat’ which are the thoughts running continuously in your mind  (some call the ‘squirrels’ ‘gerbals running on the wheel’ ‘the committee’) . They are often vicious observations , they are memories of experiences of your past that keep playing out, supposedly protecting you /warning you but I see more and more they keep me enslaved to my mind and mind patterns.  So just for ‘fun’ I will guess some of the backchat thoughts would be; stupid prick, I fuckin’ hate men like that, he doesn’t like me, men like that never like me, i’m not pretty enough or funny enough, i’m just not enough of something , I’ll make him notice me, I hate him, stay away from him, he will humiliate you.

Thought Pattern: I hate Dr. H. (my Dad was a chiropractor and many of his friends were) He’s never nice to me. Be careful of him. He thinks your just pretty and disregards me other than that. I’m not ‘good enough’ to talk to or joke with , like he does with that girl/woman, I am not ‘good enough’ to give attention to or become friends with. If I try to talk with him he blows me off. I dont’ look good tonight. He likes her, she’s really funny and cute/beautiful/smart/rich/successful/unique, I’m just plain and average. I don’t blame him. Just talk to the other losers. They’re nice. I hate fucking men like that anyway.

thought: Men like that; smart, funny, successful, handsome, popular, powerful, don’t like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think men who are smart funny, successful, handsome, successful, popular and powerful don’t like me. I realize it makes no difference whether someone likes me or not , I am the same in either case. I no longer accept and allow myself to be ’emotionally’ dependent on another’s opinion and interaction with me. I realize I can trust myself now and if I am not ‘comfortable’ with someone I can stay at a distance and don’t need to interact with them. I no longer accept and allow myself to judge someone if I choose not to interact with them or they choose to not interact with me.

Whenever I have the thought   ‘ Men like that; smart, funny, successful, handsome, popular, powerful, don’t like me’ I stop, I breathe. I realize I can choose who I speak to without any emotion attached to the descision. I no longer accept and allow myself to need approval from  others, I no longer accept and allow myself to be energetically charged with emotions (fear, insecurity, jealousy) that can harm me. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical with each ‘here’ moment of breath and I remind myself I do not need to ‘feel’ popular, liked, pretty but can enjoy my own company and relax and calm down in whatever social situation I find myself in.

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A pattern I have seen, with the men in my life, is waiting up for them, worrying, obsessing over their whereabouts, safety, fidelity, intentions, and integrity. It started as a little girl pacing in my bedroom until my Dad came home. It did not matter if he was home at 3a.m. I would not sleep until he pulled in the driveway. It continued into my first marriage for many years. Today I find myself going into this pattern now and then if one of my adult children are late (when they are at home, that is).

Thought Pattern: He’s not home yet. What time is it? How many hours has he been late? I hope he hasn’t gotten into a car accident. Oh god, please bring him home safely, please let him be ok, pleeeeeeease God, I’ll do anything. What time is it? He’s drinking and driving. He’s probably drunk. Its’ a snow  storm, he could be killed or hurt. Maybe he’s fooling around. He may be unfaithful….He’s not home yet. What time is it…….

Thought: Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to think ‘Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss-of father/husband/child, anxiety, self-pity, helplessness, hopelessness over the thougtht, ‘   Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen.’

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear and anxiety over the thought, ‘Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen’ I stop , I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to waste my time on victim statements in my mind. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by fear of loss but instead bring myself back to the physical in that moment and realize the only thing that is real is ‘here’ in this breath. I realize I don’t control events outside of myself and I calm down and take whatever action, a phone call perhaps, is necessary or possible, I talk to someone about my concern, I watch tv if I feel it would help me until I find out what has occurred for this person to be late.

 The implementation of an Equal Money System (EMS) will be a process. Part of that process will be changing the current world systems (the banking system, the health care system, the education system etc) to what is best for all.  An EMS, at it’s core, supports all human life, as one as equal, and in that no one person, race, culture gets treated differently than another, advocating all deserve their needs met, to survive and thrive with dignity and respect, in this world.

People have different needs and at varying times of their life and in various regions according to climate, geographical conditions, and ease of access so there are many considerations. Therefore, a group of people may have special needs to be met that vary with other people but this will be dealt with on an ongoing and ‘as needed’ basis not because of what occurred in past history of this world. We can learn from history, in a practical way, without carrying an unnecessary load of knowledge and information, of memories and emotions-we will take into consideration just what it needed in the present and necessary to support life now.

No decisions, changes will be made according to the past as ‘compensation’ for past mistakes/injustices/ except for using a common sense approach as in what works and what doesn’t. We, as  the human race have all suffered and we all need to stand as one as equal, to fix the problems that face our world.

Therefore, we as the human race must honor each life, no longer in separation, …..you are separate from me so I live in self interest and ultimatly care about what is best for me ( and my family ) and your life has no effect on mine. No, we are all not only connected but live equal and one which means decisions are made on a ‘what is best for all’ basis. So if there are practices in place that are ‘working’ that when looked at from a ‘best for all’ stand point, then they will remain. Perhpas they will be altered over time, perhaps they will be implemented in a wider geographical area for more of the population, perhaps they will fade out, whatever is best for all of humanity and not just Indigenous people.

Let’s look at a few practical examples: jobs/university/housing

If there was legislation in place that specified Indigeous people would be hired on certain projects, to make up for a certain % of the total work force required, this would no longer be in place. Understand, one will not have to work for money=income. Each person will receive equal money per week/month/year in credits/earth dollars (whatever name is given the currency) so each Indigenous person will receive exactly the same as Brad Pitt-from birth to death-really! Do both of these people have equal access to all of the needed goods and services?  Are they both able to purchase what they want and require for their household? Do they both have the same opportunity to choose how they want to express themselves (ie. work=service or hobby), whether it be in building houses, painting houses, painting the landscape, working with animals etc.?   In the early stages of equal money, probably not and this will be addressed in other equal money writings.  Needless to say,  work will not be defined the way it is now.

Another example would be if there is a manditory requirement for universities to accept a certain % of Indigenous Peoples into certain programs or for the ‘standard’ to be different, such as lower grades required, or the cost to attend is lower. This would no longer be in place/law because schools such as these would have no cost to attend. The entire school system would have changes implemented over time but in an EMS there would be no ‘tuition’ cost, cost for materials/text books etc. that is now part of the regular /accepted/norm post secondary education system in, for example, Canada.

True free choice will open up (now choice is dependent on/restricted by how much money one has) so many will choose not to attend a regular school but to learn something different that truely intersts them.

Another example of  ‘rights’ that are possibly, currently in place to live outside the system that will no longer be necessary is;  reduced income tax, property tax, sales tax, and reduced fee for service such as public transportation. The need for these ‘rights’ will be eliminated by an equal money system because there will be no system of taxation and if a certain credit/amount is required to pay for transportation , everyone will  have the same amount to start with each month so all will be able to afford it.

I am one vote for an Equal Money System. Please join us.

When I was in grade nine, about 13 years old, I had my first experience of getting very drunk. Before a party, a group of girls and myself raided one of the girl’s parent’s liquor cabinet and made a disgusting mixture of hard liquor. We went to the local park, deep in the woods and took turns having a chug. I think there was 4 or 5 of us. I recall being more diligent in consuming and keeping this potion down and interestingly I remember thinking they didn’t seem to want as much as me and I couldn’t understand why. It was not that they knew it would make them sick, it was just ‘natural’ for them to consider it gross and ‘know ‘ it wasn’t a good idea to keep drinking it.

All I remember of the party was being in the kitchen of  this house searching for more alcohol, through their cupboards, with the parents there! Then I remember being helped up by my boyfriend from the sidewalk (he was attempting to ‘walk ‘ me home) and then my first experience with the police , as they saw this stumbling  young girl, picked me up and escorted me home in the cruiser.

I was being babysat by my Grandmother, for 2 weeks, while my parents were overseas, who was a devout Protestant (my Grandfather had been a minister in the Protestant church). My parents always hid all the alcohol and did not partake whenever she was at our home. Wow, doesn’t get anymore direct than that: lesson; hide the truth from your parents and stick to the weather, deception within families is acceptable, what is important is how ‘things’ look on the outside-be superfical with your family.

My sister delighted in scaring the shit out of me when I awoke the next morning, recanting the horror the night before, ” Are you EVER in trouble when Mom and Dad get home.”  And although I was, looking back I see they were partly acting ‘putting on a performance’ for my Grandmother. Nonetheless, I still have anger at how the incident was ‘handled’.

They called me downstairs the morning after their return. I sat on one couch and the my grandmother, mother and father opposite me. Only my father spoke , the 2 women were silent, their faces stern. I don’t remember all that was said  just that my father chastised me and threatened to beat me if it happened again and they grounded me for the summer. They stuck to it for July and August but as their guilt set in they became softer and softer. It was kind of nice as I spent time at home, did some chores and they would buy me treats and pay me and let me have friends over as the summer went on.

It shocks me that they did not ask me any questions about how I was feeling, what could I do to assist myself should this occur again, how did I feel about going to the party, how alcohol magically melts away inhibitions/fears and what I could do so I would feel ok without alcohol…..etc, you get the idea.

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Thought:  I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not offering me the support I needed.

SF on thought:I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,   ‘I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not providing me the support I needed.’

SF on connection to words: I forgive myself for acccepting and allowing myself to connect the words: police,sidewalk,drunk,shame,thirteen,power,father,beat,threat,sunburn,guilt,boyfriend,falling,vomit,choke,sister,forgive,grounded,grade 9,summer, to the thought,  ‘I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not providing me the support I needed.’

Realizations: I realize my family did what they thought was right and ‘best’ for all concerned. I realize they acted according to what was passed down from generation to generation, from the victorian era ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ mentality. I realize they did not beat me but used this as a threat only. I realize all 3 were playing ‘roles’ that they believed to be the ‘best they could do’ for me at the time. I realize if I had not ‘happened upon’ Desteni online, I too would be stuck in roles (more than I am now) and would not have any alternative but to stay in line/play by the rules of society just as my parents and grandmother did that day.

I realize my mother’s belief to this day, is arguing/fighting=speaking up ‘makes things worse’ and she stood by, saying nothing, partly because she did not want to add to the problem. I realize her mother spoke up and her father reacted with emotional and physical violence so severe my mother never saw her mother again from the age of 11 on. She was told, by relatives, that her dad threatened to kill her mother if she ever showed her face again.

Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction at the thought,  ‘I’m angry and resentful at  my dad, mom and grandmother for being so stupid in how they handled my first drunk and not providing me with the support I needed’ I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to directed by the past as thoughts and emotions and blame the past for how I experience my life today. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical. I remind myself  I have an opportunity ‘here’ to birth myself as life in the physical and not live a life of suppression and role playing, something my mom, dad, and grandmother did not have. I am grateful for being ‘here’ with each moment and I take responsibility for whatever needs to be dealt with in this present moment and get on with my day.

Some memories of my childhood, specifically  in relation to  my father ‘picking on’, humiliating, his 4 children.  Lets heal this ! Of course this  includes my father, who I love.

I remember hiding in my room, listening at the door to my Dad yell at my brother, I believe my Dad was  drinking (most of these incidents occurred when he was intoxicated-not an excuse but important to note how alcohol can bring out the ‘evil’ side of a human being! Best to face this sober and get rid of these inner demons for good!). He often ‘helped ‘ my brother with his homework this way, yelling at him, putting him down, belittling him about being stupid and a failure if he didn’t ‘get it right’ and ‘get it right-right now’!  I felt terror, I felt my brothers pains, his shame and I internalized it, just as he did.

Another incident my Dad was picking on me when I was in grade nine, he generally left me alone when I was younger, had  3 others to attack and that’s why I hid and I hid well. So when my oldest brother and sister had left-escaped-he noticed me and I became a target. ‘She blackens her eyes so you don’t notice her big nose’ . Not a good thing to say to a 14 year old girl! I obsessed my looks more and more for years, I was convinced I was basically ugly unless I really ‘tried’=lot of make-up. So sad. “Don’t you know how to chop vegtables, didn’t your mother show you?” he’d yell in a harsh, accusatory voice and then no matter how you tried he would put down your efforts and make you feel completely stupid, a useless failure and I hated him for it …then the guilt, ‘oh god, I hate my father, I can’t hate him, it’s not allowed, he must be right, blah blah…’  Then his guilt/remorse would kick in and he’d be super nice for the next few days. There would be gifts of money, goodies, a little kind attention !  So there was a strange confusion/uncertainly within self and within the home. I would tell myself (unconsciously) “.. remember , you cannot trust his kindness because experience has shown you it does not last–when your guard is down – WHAM he gets you! Damn, I wasn’t going to put myself in that situation ie. be home at 4pm on a day he is home early  so be a possible target-ever again. I would blame myself , enough said, it is a horrible way to live for the perpetrator and the victim. It is dispicable to treat a child this way , he may as well have smashed in my face, at least the pain/abuse would have been visable. No excuses, no holding back, it just plain destroyed me. I didn’t have a chance.

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thought: I’m ugly and stupid.

Self forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m ugly and stupid’ . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’ to exist within and as me.

Self forgiveness on connection to words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words dad, father, alcohol, drunk, plain, incompetent, afternoon, boyfriend, vegtables, nose, make-up, chop, new and learn to the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of self doubt and shame at the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’, I stop, I breath.  I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by emotions of fear of failure and shame from the past.   Instead I remind myself I am in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical and it takes time so I remind myself to be patient and kind to myself. I realize my father was very ‘sorry’ as he got older and did the best he could at the time with me and all his children. I realize he would have ‘done things differently’ and taken back all the pain he caused to his children if he could. I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and out of my mind and get on with my day and the task at hand.

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Thought: I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.

Self forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.’

Self Forgiveness on Connection to Words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words humiliate, fear, hate, shame, insignificant, small, jail, little, helpless, woman, girl, slave, hopeless, suppressed, bedroom, inferior, harmed, punish, punishment and weak to the thought, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear in relation to the thought, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed’ I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be silenced and  directed by and as this fear of loss of safety. I realize I am not this fear and that I am in fact safe ‘here’ in this moment and that this emotion exists only in my mind as memory of past experience.  Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical so as not to have the past, as suppression, as a starting point of this ‘here’ moment. I realize I am learning how to express myself in self honesty and self trust. I trust myself to continue with my day.

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Thought: I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.’

Self Forgiveness on Connection to Words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words money, homeless, sex, slave, home, children, abandon, alone, helpless, shame, shut-up, stupid, careful, men, beauty, sexy, aging, ugly, prison, hopeless, quiet, fix, silent and mistake to the thought, ‘I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I have the thought,  ‘I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse’ and I go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss, of physical necessities and company, I stop, I breath. I realize I am responsible for my own security and ‘well being’. I realize I am in a process of changing and understand me and it will take time and remind myself to be patient. I no longer accept and allow myself to remain ‘victim’ of past thought patterns.   Instead I bring myself out of my ‘head’ the back to what is real, what is here in my physical reality no longer punish myself by repeating the pattern of helpless victim, creating a timeloop in which my now moment is a starting point of a past moment, thereby creating a future from the past. I trust myself remain ‘here’ with the breath and attend to the situation that is concerning me, in a practical way, that places responsibility for myself on myself and not blaming another.

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Thought: I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.

Self Forgiveness on connection to words:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words afraid, helpless, hopeless, Dad, brother, rescue, hate, pain, mean, wrong, stupid, homework, learn, protect, hierarchy, rule, king, ruler, control, lack and power, to the thought,  ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.’

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss of control, at the thought, ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power’, I stop, I breath. I realize I have, in that moment, gone into my mind of past ‘experiences’ and I immediately bring myself back ‘here’ to this physical moment. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by this fear, as I now understand that this ‘power’ / ‘control’ I once perceived to be real, does not exist. I realize all that exist is me, as life as one and equal to all physicality in my world. Instead I remind myself true power is ‘know thyself’ but knowing is not enough, one must walk this knowing in each breath. So I trust myself and I continue with whatever needs to be done, to ensure my and the others safety and security.

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The thought of fear that I am working with :  ” I should have never told my father to sell the cottage to one of his children.”

Self-Forgiveness on emotion/feeling:

Fear, Regret, Jealousy, anger, sadness, frustration, hatred, guilt, inferior, stupidity

SELF FORGIVENESS STATEMENTS:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled and directed by fear of loss in regards to my sister owning the cottage. The loss of money, the loss of possible vacation opportunites and the loss of self as ‘secure’ ‘’wealthy’ . I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself for fearing the loss of ‘being wealthy’ when hundreds of thousands of human beings/children in my world are starving to death, painfully  today. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter an energetic  state of lethargy and self pity when I think there is nothing I can do about such a huge problem as people starving to death today. (just checked online; about 16,000 children a day, starve to death !!).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by this fear of loss in my life manifesting as regret, so that I am often having thoughts of regretting this past ‘mistake’ of speaking to my father, constantly having thoughts of regretting no vacation in the present and thoughts of regretting no cottage in the future, so always up in the head and not here at all being of service to my world and others in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of jealousy about  my sister owing the family cottage. To have this jealousy exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of anger about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this anger exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of sadness about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this sadness  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of frustration  about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this frustration exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest–to the point that I  am stuck/frozen in my mind of thoughts so forever destined to play out the past as it becomes my current reality and  future instead of existing here and dealing with how to ensure all beings  have a home/shelter/food and not worry about vacation properties  (but later I would, as all need to be surrounded by nature sometime).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of hatred about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this hatred  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest. This hatred goes outward to the many people/relations I have that are quite wealthy and have a home/cottage./ski chalet/vacations/much savings  etc….and they protect it viciously (as I probably would have!).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of guilt about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this guilt  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of inferiority  about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this inferiority exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of inferiority  about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this inferiority  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of stupidity about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this feeling of stupidity exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.