Posts Tagged ‘fashion’

I am interupting my blogs on failed relationships because I had such a strong reaction to a woman I saw in a coffee shop yesterday.  I was an aquaintance of hers years ago, our daughter’s were friedns in primary school. Point is, nothing happened, we do not say ‘hi’ to one another, doesn’t matter, it was just my reaction and explosion of backchat and emotion that I am concerned with and want expose and forgive so I can stop the pattern of reaction whenever I see a woman I know , or I don’t know, who represents rich bitch to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself into believing a picture has any power to control me, represented as a woman with expensive clothing, jewelery, etc. defining who she is as life or who I am as life, as a woman, equal to just a role/actor in a movie to be shiny and pretty as a trophy for her husband and to make other women appear less than so she and she as me, may be rewarded with positive energy in the form of feeling better than. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to judge myself as less than/inferior to the  picture of this woman who always wears high heels and has very expensive hair style, huge house, drives a mercedes benz,  and thereby say to myself that I am nothing without wealth and without engaging/indulging in the hierarchical and  patriarchical systems of abuse that currently exist in this world. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt in thinking, ‘I should not judge her as a rich bitch when I really do not know her, she seemed friendly/nice enough years ago’. I realize I do not judge her as much as not trust what she advertises herself to be as in involved in materialism and competition. I am in the process of removing myself from these world systems of beauty, competition, personal wealth for self interest. I realize we are one and equal in fact as she is me and not separate from and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this woman to other woman I have known in my past thereby abusing myself with getting lost in memories in my mind which can harm me, bringing up thoughts and emotions of regret, spite, jealously about what material things I do not have (indulgences as I have all I need), trips I cannot take, shameful memories feeling less than with wealthy friends and family, comparing what I could get for /do for my young children versus what others could do for their children, and on and on desires/wants.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective action, to remind myself that I am not a picture, nor is any other woman, and commit to not competing with any other woman for a man’s attention/desire/money by draping myself in money as fashion, jewelery, shoes, hair style, make-up but to examine my starting point when dressing that it is not to be more than another being but for comfort and practicality and enjoyment.  

I commit myself to never again judge myself as a loser/less than/average/inferior when seeing another being who is dressed to attract attention.  I commit myself to more and more withdrawing from the money system and world systems that state I, as a woman, must dress/look a certain way to be desirable or worthy and instead express my physicality in a way that is self-honest to me in the moment, whether it be for fun or sport or comfort, etc.  

I commit myself to not judge another being by their appearance and know I am as/equally responsible for the abuse of individuals being treated as less than/inferior, the abuse of human beings within the money system, the abuse of woman as sexualized by the media within/for profiting from selling sex/goods within the current money system.

   I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective living, to staying ‘here’ in my awareness and not getting lost in my mind by connecting a wealthy woman in a coffee shop to memories, bringing up pictures in my mind, judgements/opinions, emotions of anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, regret, hatred, spitefulness, and continual thoughts.

I commit myself , when I see someone from my past who is a woman who is wealthy and physically adorning herself, to stop and breathe and simply say hello (whatever is appropriate) and to not judge her by the past and realize the truth that we are in fact one and equal and be an example of that.   Image

I was stunned to find out that a major reason there is so many millions dying of starvation in African countries each year is that, of the 10 countries that the Nile River runs through, only 1 of these countries has the ‘right’ to use the water from the river for irrigation/farming/transportation or any other purpose! This is because Egypt supposedly ‘owns’ the water ‘rights’ of the Nile River.

As if anyone really ‘owns’ any part of mother earth. It is merely a concept, an idea someone came up with to enforce safety measures against those that intrude and steal or more often, simple greed, to keep all for oneself or ones ‘country’. Why cannot we not keep the safety measures but forgo the unfair idea of ownership? Answer, we can!

If you think of two children fighting over a toy, the one child crying ‘it’s mine’ , he only ever gets to ‘keep’ it  if he is bigger/stronger, or someone else (the adult) intervenes and says what the ‘rule’ is.

It seems back in 1925 there was a treaty signed between Britian, who held Dominion over much of the African continent=came with weapons and murdered people to steal the wealth of the African countries and take it back ‘home’ to Britiian. Back then, Egypt and Sudan were Britain’s source of cotton and Britian knew that their rate of production was only possible through the Nile and the use of massive irrigation systems. So in this treaty Britian and Egypt decided that the Nile belonged to Egypt AND and that no-one is allowed to do anything with the water that, as a consequence, will lessen the amount of water that ends up in Egypt, thereby insuring Britian’s cotton crop production.

That’s right, they just decided=they made it up! No complicated economic theory needed here, they did this  just because they could, because their stick was bigger than the other countries sticks. Just like the two little children fighting over the toy, they were bigger and stronger so got their way. It’s all about power and control and greed.

But supposedly they based this decision on the fact that Egypt has a 7000 year history with the Nile, way back starting with the Pharoas so historically and traditionally belongs to them. Well, we have to stop referring to history and the past to make decisions based on today. Instead, we must use common sense and compassion to decide upon an approach that is best for all life, which in this case would be all countries through which the Nile flows, are able to use this natural resource to better their economy and support the population!

Another reasons for this decision was it had been determined that Egypt was the country which had made most efficient use of the Nile, in economic terms. So what? Are we not all life? Does a newborn baby today deserve to suffer starvation and die in agony because 85 years ago it’s birth country did not make as efficient use of the Nile as Egypt? We are talking here about an invisible dividing line (again made up by human beings) separating  the land and people into ‘countries’. It is not in fact ‘real’, we make it real by our agreement to participate. Also, let not the fact escape us, that ‘efficient use’ of the Nile meant that Egypt produced cotton for Britian which they could profit from and provide clothing for their people, total self interested motives. The invisible lines have to come down as we wake up to the fact that, this approach, is not what is best for all, as life one and equal. No hoarding commodities, such as cotton, so you can control supply and demand, thereby controlling prices at the expense of millions of others.

Can you honestly look in the mirror or in your child’s eyes and say your child does not deserve to have a comfortable, enjoyable, dignified life but the child across the invisible line=boarder, does? There is a difference is the quality of life because there is a different starting point of the two children, this is inequality. I am not suggesting we eliminate boarders as they provide logistical reference points so we can communicate and move about on our earth. I am suggesting we understand that boarders are nothing more than that–lines we have made up for practical purposes. We do not need to kill each other over imaginary lines! One planet needs one goal; decisions based upon the principal of what is best for all life, period.

Sadly, Ethiopia, which was the only African country that was never colonized, simply had ‘no legal representation’ and thus no say in the matter when this treaty was being written and signed, while over 80% if the water that ends up in Egypt originates from Ethiopia! Alot of the countries, when the treaty was being signed, were also too busy focusing on just surviving, so they didn’t really pay attention to the treaty or started thinking of some magnificent irrigation system as they simply did not have that luxury.

After independence from Britian, a few African countries declared the treaty as void but the treaty was never really challenged and nothing was every really done about it because the other countries were scared of Egypt’s military force, also knowing that Egypt still has strong ties with Britain’s, a powerful nation indeed.

Of course, many countries in order to develop, need these type of natural resources to support themselves, just as Egypt did with the Nile, which brings a lot of advantage in terms of agriculture (to irrigate the land in the case of the Nile) and transportation.

So every year Ethiopia and other countries get millions of dollars into the country as ‘food aid’. Also, realize, that when this investment as food is eaten, it is gone. The problem remains, charity is not effective as a solution to starvation.  Crazy, when there is the Nile flowing right through their land!  A sickening consequence of the Nile River ‘ownership’ issue:  wasted food and food aid.

To add to the insanity no one is allowed to assist these devastated African countries in the investment of dams and irrigation system and hydro power  which will actually help them get somewhere to improve the standard of living and create their own food source! And then the few farmers who do work their farms to produce food – can’t get their food sold because its cheaper to get free food aid. So they end up not being able to sell anything and end up joining the food aid line. Ironic.

There exist warehouses in Ethiopia FULL of food, grown right there in Ethiopia. And a warehouse next door FULL FULL with bags of food with the American flag on it, food aid food. So all the food these poor farmers worked so hard for, just rots away and then you end up with a whole nation of people being dependent on food aid. Insanity plain and simple, theft of  9 African countries ability to stand on their own feet, live with dignity, provide sustenance and jobs for their population.

Investigage the solution here:

EqualMoney.Org

Desteni.Org

DesteniIProcess.Com

Note: I embrace this process not from a starting point of blame but responsibility. I love and respect my parents and siblings, more so after having started this process of awareness and self realization (my father has passed on). I participate in this self forgiveness, as another, on my parents behalf knowing we are one and equal, to once and for all eradicate the ‘sins of the father’ so we never again have all this crap downloaded into us and we may birth ourselves as life in the physical. My parents were not at fault, my father and mother will have to go through their own process so they can become life and express who they really are, awesome expressions when free from they systems they became here!

Father:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children the emotional support they needed growing up.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my children physical contact in hugging, holding them and not enough time engaging them and participating, attending events or being physically present enough in the home. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my children as a punching bag when I was stressed in that I bullied them verbally, criticizing, frightening them instead of acquiring the parental skills I needed to be a supportive, effective parent .  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in excess in the home knowing my personality changed when I drank and I treated my children cruelly and humiliated them in front of my friends, relatives and each other. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol in the home  presenting to my children it is ‘normal’ ‘acceptable’ to drink alcohol even though I knew alcoholism ran rampant within our family ‘tree’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not talk to my children about the dangers of alcohol consumption. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put Sandy in a ‘box’/role of the quiet one/no trouble/good student/independant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare Sandy and P. her brother, humiliating P., saying he costs more money to the family, he is not smart like her, he causes them to worry and she doesn’t.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware that Sandy heard this, in the isolation of her room and it was verbally abusive to both S. and P. and harmed both of them.

Mother:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present to my daughter that being financially dependent on a husband was ‘normal’ and ‘safe’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not intervene when my husband was ‘picking’ on one of our children, unless it got really ‘ugly’ or physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it was ‘better to not speak up’ to defend my children but ‘safer’ for myself and the children to allow my husband be the ‘boss’ of the house (his role) because I was afraid for our survival if I spoke up and my marriage ended. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let ‘experience’ (the past-her mother was booted out of the house when she was 11 years old and she never saw her again!) dictate to me how I should behave in the present when it was obvious my husband was abusing our children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my daughter in a box/role and if she managed to wriggle out of it I had to put her in another one (easy child, no trouble, quiet…then business woman…wife/mother…troubled single mom trying to be a songwriter WTF…rebel with ‘silly’ ideas how she can change the world for the better/well meaning and kind) based on self interest so I can make sense of the world and live in ‘peace’ with ‘order’ this is who she is/this is who he is/this is the way the world is and I accept it without question, I do not speak up and ask for change, I have money and I am comfortable, I give to charity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my daughter as weak, a failure when she needed money when she was a single mom, as I believed she should be strong and independent anyway, ‘soldier on’ ‘be quiet, work hard and society will reward you, then marry again and you will be safe’ as it worked for me and it should work for Sandy.

Eldest Brother: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Sandy as a rebel, pain in the ass, going against society to an extreme extent and not being quiet and upsetting me as in making me question my own beliefs.

Sister: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe my sister is wrong for ‘borrowing’ money from our parents and she should survive without their help.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Sandy is wrong/small/putting it out there for me to see that I ‘got’ the cottage because my husband and I could afford it ( the rich get richer). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ‘mean’ to Sandy when we were children, excluding her just because she was younger and making fun of her/picking on/humiliating her ‘just because I could’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am superior to Sandy because I chose the ‘right’ husband and she chose a man like our Dad, for excitement and because he was good looking, then she complained and became poor when the marriage didn’t work out, her fault, now she has nothing and is jealous of me, tough, life worked out for me because I was smart and she was not and that is how it is, I agree with my mom, be quiet Sandy and ‘soldier on’.

Family System: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the very manifestation of separateness of human beings into small self serving groups. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system that destroys the support of community, for parents of young children and elderly people, so All as One do not take the responsibility for raising the children of our world and supporting and caring for the elderly and as such much abuse takes place within ‘households’ as families in isolation from the rest of society, as a whole. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive human beings into believing ‘blood runs thicker than water’, that ‘specialness’ is real and exists and is ‘right’ to treat some human beings one way and other humans being another way , not as equal, not as one family but each family looks after ‘it’s own’ and passes money/assets down from one generation to the next, as in ‘family money’ which leads to more separation, indifference to the suffering of others and strictly living within self interest.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ‘sins of the father’ downloading all the information of the mother and father and generations past into each and every new born child on earth, all of this information exists as files that activate as thoughts , feelings, and emotions within the un/sub/conscious mind, which the being believes to be them, it is not.

Sex System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the birthing process, of new human beings being born into this world,be excruciatingly painful for women to endure.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have women to have to endure a monthly bleeding process as part of the reproduction process required for women to be able to conceive/become pregnant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse human beings by having the orgasm experience, as a necessary part of reproduction, be so pleasurable, that they abuse it by becoming obsessed at having to experience this ‘euphoria’ as much as possible in irresponsible ways that harms other human beings, often vulnerable women and children. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation responsible for deception in a marriage that leads to ‘heartbreak’, suicide, bankruptcy, and the break up of families leaving innocent family members vulnerable to much harm and emotional unstability.

Education System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the manifestation of a system that many follow/trust in innocents not knowing how they are being controlled by the few in power, elite/governments, directing them to become another unit in the money system, controlling what ‘job’ career they will engage in, how much they will earn and enslaving them to being wage earners and consumers, not having time to express who they really are as ‘life’ ‘here’ but continually stuck in their minds ‘worrying’ about how they will pay the bills, afford this and that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bore human beings with vast amount of useless knowledge and information they are told they have to memorize, theorize, write about, figure, that they do not need and this occupies them so they do not even questions the ‘wisdom’ of all the time and effort it takes and they do not see what needs to be done in this world to bring about a life that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be equally available = affordable to all thus contributing to the vast separation of human beings within geography, family they are born into, genetics-some are born (programmed) ‘lucky’ ‘talented’ ‘gifted’ and others average or deemed ‘dumb’ ‘learning disabled’ and have no/little chance at receiving me and thus a very difficult life and cannot earn sufficient money to support themselves or their families.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be part of a system of heirachy and engage human beings in their minds as ego, as in emotions of superiority, better-than, snobbery according  to which of my institutions they or their family member attended, knowing full well their money got them there and others do not have the same/equal advantage.

Government System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest in different ‘countries’ in separation and not one cooperative world government. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control people through fear of reprisal/punishment if they challenge me , question my authority and power, report deception, report criminal behavior, gather to discuss alternatives to my rule.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess certain human being minds to the point of demonizing them so that they completely dominate, rule over with an iron fist, a group of people in  a way that is not best for all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the system people/groups/countries hide behind as ‘democratic’ when it is clearly small groups of people claiming all the wealth=power and all the fruits of this earth while the masses suffer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make certain things illegal that could bring much health and stability to a population, for example making it so very difficult for entrepeneurs to bring new ideas to the ‘market’ such as health alternatives/advancements and making other substances, for example alcohol,  legal and readily available to the masses of world populations, knowing I am sedating them to keep them occupied and ‘dumbed down’ so they are quiet and easily controlled.

Music/Entertainment System/Sports System:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prop people up, making them ‘larger than life’ so they receive huge sums of money=wealth, power, movement while others live in extreme poverty and die of starvation each day just because they sing ‘well’ or act as a character in a story ‘well’, or run fast or throw a ball well, or write a ‘good’ story.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess the human mind to the extent I demonize them through their ego with feelings of self importance, justification with self interest above all else, entitlement, superiority, dominance, greed, power, conceit, vanity, believing they are ‘chosen’ by ‘god’ to live a ‘privileged’ life so it is justified they have so much money and can do and buy whatever they want even if they have 20 cars and 10 houses and they know others have nothing!  They are favored by god, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink ‘alcoholically’ for ten years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by fear and think ‘this is an overwhelming topic and I can never possibly get through it.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me not hear the voices in my head and I’ll be able to live and sleep enough to get by.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘drinking will help me keep my children so no one will know I’ve gone insane.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of sadness at starting this exercise and think, ‘No wonder I was putting it off, it’s terrible remembering all this horror.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I need to drink before I go out to a social event or on a date so I’ll be more relaxed, have more fun, be myself’, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind and a memory of crawling up the stairs, one stair at a  time slowly and thinking, ‘I’m not going to make it’ and pausing for several minutes on each stair because I was so loaded and to have this memory exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and picture exist in my mind within and as me of being in the bathtub and continually passing out and coming to gasping for air and thinking, ‘I gotta get outta this tub, I could drown’ and doing this over and over for I do not know how long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of me choking over the sink or toilet from vomit and thinking, ‘I don’t think I’m gonna make it, I can’t catch my breath’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture and memory exist within my mind , existing within and as me,  of throwing up or gagging over the kitchen sink and then drinking more, thinking ‘that’s ok, no big deal, I can keep this down, its ok, I gotta keep this down…fuck, I gotta be able to drink this…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to have a picture of my daughter crying exist in my mind and a memory of her and my son at her birthday dinner when I said , ‘I wish I could kill myself sometimes’ . What a total asshole, I sobered up right away (instantly) and apologized, not that that makes it ‘better’ but it was a start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory and a picture exist in my mind of driving with my children with a ‘traveller’ = booze so  drinking and driving and drinking while driving endangering myself, my children and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture exist in my mind and a memory exist within and as me of getting up one morning and looking in the mirror and being horrified as a blood vessel had broke in my eye and I looked like I had been beaten up, the whites of my eyes were yellow, I was bloated and bruised on my arms and legs and did not know why (except I knew alcohol thins the blood so you bruise ‘easily’) , I could not stand up straight and threw up and crawled back into bed. And then the thought, “OMG I look like I’ve been beaten, oh yeah, I have, by myself.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ” I’m so fucked, I broke my mind and now I can’t live, what will Jaclyn and Garrett do with out me?  Drinking stops thinking, drinking stops fear, just drink, it’ll be ok, I’ll stop tomorrow.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my children through my alcoholism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be directed by the emotion of guilt and self pity and self hate in thinking, ‘Oh my god, what a fucking idiot I was all those years. What have I done. How have I harmed my children?’ when it is a waste of time and my children see me contributing to ‘society’ and within Desteni each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn and myself in our foyer upstairs and I am telling her ‘once again’ how sorry I am for being drunk the day before and it will never happen again and she softly says ‘it’s ok Mom’  and I knew it wasn’t and I told her it wasn’t ok at all and she should not have to comfort me. It hit me, I feel it now as I type this , the extreme shame, horror, the dark pit of knowing you are hurting someone you love and you probably won’t be able to keep your word again and again. I quit soon after that, perhaps 3-6 months, dark days, don’t remember. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by shame and guilt and go into an energetic reaction of deep regret with the thought, ‘I hurt Jaclyn and I was suppose to be her protector.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Garrett sitting in front of the tv for hours in our old townhouse so he was ‘out of the way’ and I could drink and smoke ‘in peace’ no one ‘bugging’ me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt and shame in thinking, ‘Oh my god, poor Garrett. I hope I didn’t wreck his future by being a drunk, maybe that is why he is lazy now. He sits in front of his computer all day now. I should have not used the tv as a babysitter. I should have been a better Mom. I should have taken him to team sports and made more money so we could do things together. I shoulda…’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  having a picture in my mind of Garrett’s birthday party in the ravine by our house with a group of boys on a scavenger hunt and then being back in the apartment and not remember coming back because I had blacked out and counting the boys. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being directed by the emotions of guilt and shame and horror and relief bring up the thought, ‘Thank god all the boys were ok. I could have lost one of them or one of them could have been hit by a car on the way home. That’s disgusting how irresponsible I was, the parents love their children as much as I love Garrett. What a fucking idiot I was. Thank god for AA.’ Whenever I have this memory now, I stop, I breath. It is a waste of time to go over it again and again in my mind. I do not drink now and Garrett is ok and I am grateful for that.  I get on with my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in the car and Jaclyn taking my drink and me saying ‘that is mine, don’t touch it’. she asked what it was and I said something like ‘it is a special drink for adults don’t ever touch it’. I must have said it in a threatening voice because I almost always had a ‘traveller’ in the car and she never touched it or asked about it again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by guilt and shame and regret to bring up the thought, ‘What was I thinking, drinking and driving with my children in the car, drinking and driving period. I could have injured or killed someone or myself. I could have gone to jail. Thank god I didn’t kill anyone. What a fucking idiot.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of Jaclyn saying, ‘Mommy, what do you smell like?’ It was the morning after a heavy night of drinking and I suppose I wreaked of booze through my pores. I was often sweaty and shaky.

**********************

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a picture in my mind of being in a certain bar I used to frequent a lot over the years, at the bar smoking.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of some of the men I met at this bar over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think, ‘God, I was so rude and self centered toward these men, many of them were kind, I just used them to feed my sorry ego, I often became physical with them and always minimized it and them. Some would call me and I did not even remember them and I would brush them off, sometimes insensitively as I was often hung over.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of guilt, embarrassment, shame, self-loathing and regret at the thought, ‘What an asshole I was to these men.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of a man/men saying hi to me on the main street of our neighborhood, as I had been frequenting the local bars and I came across super friendly/somewhat flirty/strong, confidant woman when I drank. I would black out and not remember this person at all and would brush them off and they would look confused/hurt at what a completely different person I was from when we had met in the bar. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by emotions of guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, self-hate bringing up the thought, ‘What kind of a person are/were you? That is horrible to treat another human being like that, I hate myself for that behavior!’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of getting ready to go out to a bar, alone, I usually went alone so I could do what I want. The kids would be with their Dad and I would blare the music and drink and get ready and think I looked so bloody hot and the world was mine, sad lol. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘what an asshole I was, wasting my time, hurting my body, ignoring reality, not giving anything to the world, just taking and feeling ‘sorry’ for myself.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of d and d (drinking and dialing), picking up the phone and calling someone when I was ‘feeling’ elated when I was drinking by myself. I would do this even when I knew I shouldn’t as it was often obvious I was drunk.  Especially, I would call my  parents because I did not like to speak to them so I thought it would be ‘easier’ to relay that everything in my life was  ‘just great’ as it was what I thought they wanted to hear = I was hiding behind my bottle instead of being honest.  Or I would call my sister or a friend  and gossip about others to make myself feel better or just go on about the kids and ‘the weather’ or about how horrible my ex husband was, my music ‘career’ (which was nothing, a fantasy) just so I did not feel lonely. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I should not have called them. I will not call people when I am drinking. They will figure out I have an alcohol problem and question whether the kids should be with me. I have to be more careful (=secretive). That was stupid’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the emotions of regret, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, self-loathing, fear brought on by thinking, ‘I should not have called them, they will figure out I have a drinking problem.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of my cousin one christmas at a family gathering. She had brought gifts for my children and I did not have gifts for her children. I was hung over and not thinking right, so I went out in my car to buy gifts and ran out of gas or the car broke down  or I locked my keys in my car (can’t remember) and I called my brother to help me and I was crying. I felt like a total ‘failure’ and was humiliated, meanwhile the party was going on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of deep humiliation, sorrow, defeat, failure, less-than, inferiority, fear, self-hate, and jealousy at the thought, ” I hate T. She thinks she’s so perfect, with her perfect life, easy for her to buy presents, she has lots of money, I have none.  The kids don’t need another present, it makes me look like an ass and her so organized and thoughtful. She has everything; a beautiful home and cottage and oh so important banking career and I have a ‘match box’ (tiny) apartment for my kids and no assets but a bunch of stupid unpublished songs. I’m an idoit, I gave up my business career. She did everything right and now is throwing it in my face. Her father died of alcoholism and they did not have as much money, growing up, as the other cousins and now she has positioned herself so she has ‘it all’ and I am the alcoholic and look like a complete failure. Fuck her, I hate the bitch.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin hugging me/consoling me after she heard I got horribly drunk at my parents 50th wedding anniversary party that she could not attend, bringing up the thought, ‘L. is very sweet to stand up for me. I am very embarrassed. I guess everyone knows what happened.’  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of another cousin, who is an alcoholic, pouring hard liquor down his throat in the forest by the cottage (my family’s cottage and his were beside each other) and passing out.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘Poor M. he is a ‘severe’ alcoholic and cannot drink. He seems miserable and fucked up.He should go to AA (alcoholics anonymous) as it would help him learn how to live sober.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture in my mind of being in W’s kitchen, as she offered to watch my kids when I went to a AA meeting, her house being large and incredibly opulent and thinking, ‘Her husband is so successful and decent and handsome. She never has to worry about money. I wonder how that feels? I wish I could feel that. I am such a pathetic loser. I married the wrong man, she was smart, she married the ‘right’ man. Oh god, get this over with. I can’t wait to get home and drink. Stupid bitch, she thinks it so simple with her ‘help’, its just one meeting, tomorrow who is going to watch the kids? No one and I will drink, oh fuck what a loser. Look at all she has , it is so beautiful and comfortable here, my kids love it here. Just get through this and home soon and drink, thank god… soon.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by regret, shame, guilt, self-hate, humiliation, fear, jealousy, confusion, self-pity bring up the thought, ‘What does she think, one meeting is going to change anything. I know it won’t. Just go and come back and get your kids and get them out of her clutches of ‘we have so much, abundance and you don’t’ and get home so you can drink.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m never going to get through this, it’s too much, it’s not going to change anything. I should be making money.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself having no regard for my physical health. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and instead put my ‘faith’ in my ‘higher power’=my mind and follow it’s ‘guidance’.    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust and therefore my actions outside of myself in others and the idea of a ‘higher power’ in total separation of myself and my world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to minimize my alcoholism and instead live/exists in total self-pity and self-victimization, not taking responsibility and empowering myself with my own ability to change my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking, “Life should not be something you just ‘get through'” and doubted sticking to my guns ( my decision to not re-enter the work force because I did not believe in the world money/business systems) but instead ‘felt’ defeated by the world and wondered if everyone else was ‘right’ and I should just get a regular job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate the responsibility for the health of my human physical body to… what? Chance, luck, doctors, miracles, money, god, spirits, prayer, hope.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt what I have questioned (although way back in my mind, didn’t think I had the right to question) throughout my life; why shouldn’t I be in complete control of my physical human body, why don’t I know what’s going on with my body, who designed this, it sucks, it should be changed so human’s are not such prisoners in their bodies, it should be a delight to exist, not so precarious and frightening, every time you walk out the door something can kill you. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in my right to ask these questions in fearing the creator would think I was ungrateful and therefore undeserving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in thinking , ‘No wonder I drank, life sucked, I’d rather be drunk than have to submit to the world systems. Thank god for Desteni.’

I will end this blog for now. May publish a continuation.

Vacations cost money, a lot of money! I like the term ‘world travel’ as we are not equally able to enjoy ‘vacations’.  I live in an area where several people are in a financial position to vacation often. I am often ’embarrassed’ when asked , ‘Do you and your family have plans for the holidays?’  and then I give some excuse as to why we are ‘just staying home’. To be polite I return the question and more times than not feel ‘less than’ as they regale their plans to take the kids down south to some exotic island, a ‘Disney Cruise’,  ski at ‘Whistler’, go camping in northern Ontario or ‘just go to the cottage’. I sometimes dare to fantasize about free world travel but in an Equal Money Society this will be a reality.

With the implementation of equal money there will be no boarders as such. Of course, at least at first, the boarders will remain so we can practically describe an allocation point in our world to ensure safe air traffic control, distribution of goods, reference points for communication etc.  However, all will be free to cross any boarders.  There will be  no passports the way they are designed now but again identification which states where your home address is located to facilitate communication in common sense.

How is this possible?  Won’t there be anarchy?  To be sure, it is a massive undertaking and there will be a period of transition which will be dealt with carefully and slowly. However, if there exists no lack in ones life, no threat of loss but a slow,steady understanding/assurance  of what this new way of life will bring, most of the violence, theft, mental instability, desperation and suspicion that leads to unrest and uprisings will disappear.

Let’s look at it practically. Which societies have the most political unrest of late?  The ones where the population have no say in political decision making and live under strict rule of a dictatorship or military. Who commits most of the crimes in society, as in theft, rape, murder? The under privileged, poor. Why? Because they are consumed with FEAR of survival every second.  Let’s face it , if you do not have money , you die. Perhaps an escape is in order, get drunk or high, at least you have temporary relief. Then you have an addict, which then moves in more fear on the hunt for more money in more desperation which leads to desperate acts=crime.  Greed is also a factor which is a form of mental disorder (when one has enough) and will be addressed as such. Also acts of violence will not be tolerated and these beings will be sent for correction for their own benefit and to protect others and not released untli they understand what it means to live in an society where all are equal IN FACT.

Last time I looked Paris Hilton wasn’t too stressed out about how she was going to feed herself let alone which vacation ‘home’ she should purchase in the south of France. I wonder how many homes these American ‘royals’ own all over the world?  Plenty, that’s how many! I’m not jealous, I’m disgusted. I do not accept and allow this in my world any longer therefore I am one vote for an Equal Money System in which all will have the opportunity to have a massage on the beach, make lazy love to their partner, enjoy the best in fine dining and explore the caves across the lagoon the next morning. No desperation but relaxation. How about hiking in Scotland, a cruise in Alaska, a train ride through the Canadian Rockies, a lobster fest in a quaint Nova Scotia harbor town.  I could go on and on. Beautiful Earth!

And so, in an equal money society we will all be free to move about/explore earth, with no money restrictions, cultural restrictions, sexual restrictions, religious restrictions or government restrictions that currently bind us today.

Please stand with us, investigate EqualMoney.Org and Desteni.Org and dare to be free, dare to have a life worth living, dare to shout  ‘None are free, until all are free!’

Why do we produce weapons? Because of a perception of ‘not enough’ to ‘go around’ because of the perception of ‘ownership’,  thereby the need to ‘defend’ what one has purchased, brought about by the money system. Supply and demand is controlled by the government and corporations to facilitate competition and profit, to control prices and control the ‘market’ which is you, the consumer . If we all had what we needed there would be nothing to ‘protect’ in the form of ownership, no ‘lack’ mentality, no fear for survival and  no competition. There would be no lack and therefore no need to be suspicious of each other.

The reason why there is so much manipulation and mistrust between nations is the need for survival and we use resources , technology and agriculture to trade through the exchange of  money. The current starting point is not what is best for all or coming from a place of ‘one world’ ‘one race=earthling’ but of separation through ‘differences’ in race, religion, geography, class, physical appearance. This needs to change-the starting point needs to change!

When we consider each life equally it will be natural to examine the consequences of the mass production of weapons.  Whether it is a hand gun, a muti-million dollar jet or a nuclear bomb, it is clear the intention to human life is to harm and the cost incalculable.

A hand gun could be considered to be for ‘protection’ ,yes but why do you need protection? Most likely because you fear the theft of your property or money and this is because of the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’.  Many people resort to stealing as a last resort to get money for necessities, drugs (addiction) and some through greed.  Theft cannot be tolerated but when one has everything they need it will be reduced to almost nil.

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According to an article from Global Zero.org, world spending on nuclear weapons will surpass $1 Trillion dollars per decade. That’s  $1,000,000,000.00  every 10 years. Taken from the same article:

Building upon the two definitive studies of U.S. nuclear weapons spending (Brookings Institution’s Atomic Audit: The Costs and Consequences of U.S. Nuclear Weapons Since 1940 and Carnegie Endowment for International Peace’s Nuclear Security Spending: Assessing Costs, Examining Priorities), this report casts a wider net to capture the entire world’s spending on nuclear weapons programs. The principal finding: a massive expenditure will be made over the next decade.

Chart 1: Total Military and Nuclear Weapons Spending 2010-2011  Note: figures in billions of US dollars

Source: Arms Control Association

Stop the madness, feed your brothers and sisters, house them, hold them as your own. Are we blind, have we no hearts, just bullshit at Christmas?  What would Jesus do?  Love they neighbour as theyself.  Who is going to stop the insanity of this dangerous waste of resources, money, time, ‘brain’ power, manpower and life itself– IF NOT YOU?  No one. I wish it was not true. Please investigate EqualMoney.Org.   Join Us to build a world in oneness and equality for all!

I remember my father was drinking in the afternoon on a Saturday. My sister was over with her children. I was probably in my early 20’s and at my parents house for the weekend as I was attending university. My Dad was upset about how she was dealing with her kids.  She was a very competent parent but he could not handle any ‘upset’ and the kids were very young and probably acting up a little. He said something like, “You better get your kids under control or the Children’s Aid is going to take them away from you and your mother and I are not going to raise them.’ It was ugly. She did stand up for herself but then he just put her down more, there was no ‘winning’ when he drank.

Thought: My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks.

Thought Pattern:  What an asshole. Bullying my sister. He should leave her alone. Poor T. she doesn’t deserve that. I wish I could protect her but he scares me. He is lucky she even comes over after how he treated her as a teenager. She is a wonderful parent and he’s nuts. Why does he drink if it turns him into a monster after 2 sips of beer. I’m staying away from him. The stupid prick is insane and my mother just pretends everything is fine, don’t talk about it and it will go away. Children’s aid has enough families to help who need the help, they would never disrupt a functioning family as it would serve no purpose and only harm. Duh, what about that does he not get?  WTF is wrong with him?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,  ‘My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘ My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks alcohol.’ exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotions of hate, fear, suspicion, sadness and guilt to the thought,   ‘ My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks alcohol.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words father, sister, nephew, backyard, summer, beer, drunk, mean, insane, nuts, children, children’s aid, afternoon to the thought, ‘ My father is insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drinks alcohol.’

Realizations:  I realize my sister did not need my protection and I have no  reason to feel guilty because she  received more verbal abuse from him, as the older sibling. I realize she dealt with it in her own way. I realize my father had a spit personality of being ‘normal/reasonable’ sober and a ‘monster’ when he drank.  I realize it is up to my sister to ‘forgive’ him/not judge/let it go’ when she is ready and a waste of my time to concern myself with it as it changes nothing.

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of anger or sadness at the thought,  ‘My father was insane. Competely out of touch with reality when he drank  alcohol’  I stop, I breathe. I realize he was a sick man and did not want to hurt his children but could not control himself. I realize this memory is not my reality now but exists as a file in my ‘mind’ ready to control me by bringing up emotions that can harm me and using it as a starting point to influence/control my moment ‘here’. I no longer accept and allow this memory to be ‘alive’ within and as me. Instead I bring myself back to this ‘here’ moment with breath and focus on the task at hand , grateful for my experience here and get on with my day.

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There were several polarities and contradictions within my family of origin. My father felt ‘superior’ to people of black skin and ‘inferior’ to people who made more money than he did. My father and his brothers would literally ‘hide’ all the alcohol in their homes whenever my grandparents were coming over, as my grandparents believed alcohol to be evil. My father and his younger brother were both alcoholic. Interesting. No one was aloud to talk about family mental problems and I was chastised by my uncle for talking about my Grandfather’s final days being delusional thinking he was back in the trenches of WWI, fighting for his life.  There was much mental illness in the family of varying degrees.

Thought:  The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.

Thought pattern: I am powerless, these people are fucking crazy and I’m stuck-with no voice-with them. It is how they say and I can’t speak up to defend others , to defend myself, to present a more rational thought, to contribute equally to the family. They are so wrong and so sick. I know human beings are equal, I know hiding doesn’t solve a problem, I know many people suffer in this family and the silence around this is deadly. I shut up out of fear of rejection to protect my own survival. I was powerless, the bastards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them’ exist within and as me as real. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotions of hate, anger, confusion, guilt and shame to the thought, ‘  The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.’ I forgive myself for connecting the words K.’s, family, uncle, father, alcoholism, crazy, nuts, insane, funeral, hospital, hide, funny, booze, blacks,whites, superior, inferior, joke, racist, racism, money, victim, little, fear, boss, silence, less-than,wedding, living room, L’s, shame, ashamed, cousin to the thought, ‘ The K’s are all nuts, they are wrong and a bunch of hypocrites. I am helpless and stuck with them.’

Realizations:   I realize my father and uncles probably felt the same about their parents, who were radical ‘Christian’ extremist and racist (my grandfather was a Protestent minister-hmm?!) I realize they did the best they could with what they understood as the truth. I realize they were often kind and ‘loving’. I realize they too were ‘victimized’ and ‘helpless’ as children and did not mean to pass on ‘the sins of the father’ . I realize I am standing and correcting myself so as to not repeat the past with my own children.

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I am possessed by an energetic reaction;  of shame around ‘mental illness’ , polarity thinking around competition and survival, or fear around the need to hide myself= my thoughts or actions  I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to be a slave to the past, as in thoughts that bring up harmful emotions  and set me once again spiraling in timeloops of forever re-living the past. I no longer accept and allow myself to with one and equal to a helpless victim these thoughts acting as the chains that imprison me, no end to the thoughts as links in this chain, they extend to my children as well and so on. Instead I stop and break the thought pattern as links by bringing myself back ‘\here’ and applying breath and self forgiveness in the moment and then getting on wit my day with gratitude.

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There are certain people I have memories of that bring up jealousy and resentment.   These 4 people all have alot of money, 1 is a  family member and 2 were ‘best friends’ with myself and my ex-husband.

Thought: I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.

Thought Pattern: Assholes, they believe in the mentality of  survival of the fittest, that it is ‘justice’. They think because I lost my money through my troubles they are better than me. I can’t believe how superficial I was to hang around with them.  I don’t understand people who are so ‘nice’ one time and then so cold and distant the next time you see them. I should not have made myself vulnerable to B as I did not know her well enough anymore (knew her from childhood) and I put myself in a position to be judged by her and was humiliated. Fuck her, stupid bitch. F is incredibly greedy to dump her husband and be so impressed by men who have 100 million instead of her husband who only has 3 or 4 million. I hope she drowns in her money.  ‘A’ only cares about how things look on the outside; her expensive home, cottage  and how her children excel and wants you to know about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me’ exist within and as me as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the emotions of guilt, shame, humiliation, jealousy, hatred, less-than, inferiority, resentment anger and fear exist within and as me as a trigger point, triggering the thought,  ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words;  cottage, ski, mansion, rich, wealth, easy,  church, divorce, money, toys, horse, wedding, children, Lorne Park, cousin, friends, and past to the thought,  ‘ I hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me.’

Realizations: I realize B does not know me and I do not have to take her assumptions personally.  I realize F is going through her own process in life and I don’t need to judge her. I realize we had many fun times together when our children were young and we shared as honestly as we were able to. I realize our friendship was affected by the break up of my marriage. I realize ‘A’ is doing what she feels is best in her life and I have no right to judge her or her children. I realize G is a ‘good’ man and it does not matter if we don’t keep in touch as much as we used to, it is only my ego that cares.

Self Corrective Statement:   Whenever I am directed by  jealousy, anger, resentment- and thereby validating these emotions and believing them to be real- at the thought,  ‘I ‘  hate ABF and G , they think because I had troubles they are better than/stronger than me’, I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself  to be controlled by these emotions that can harm me, causing me to forever re-live the past by engaging in my mind of past memories as my starting point. Instead I bring myself out of my mind of illusion and back to reality, ‘here’ in the physical. I remind myself not to judge another, I remind myself to be grateful for all I have in my life, I remind myself no one actually ‘owns’ anything in this world, we all use what we require for a period of time.  I get back to the task at hand and focus my attention on what is before me.