Posts Tagged ‘fear’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree to the cycles of birth and death whereby I create new beings and enslave myself and them, to the worlds systems  and to the suppression of ourselves as expressions of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to marry and have children so as to keep busy by adding to the mind consciousnesses systems of the family and money, creating new life to feed into this system of supposed economic growth which is deleting planet earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree to forget that I am being recycled into infinity, never remembering who I was in a past life and thereby never being part of the solution here on earth to our destructive, selfish, `human`nature, letting millions suffer because I am only to be concerned with the well being of myself and my little unit=family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a reproductive unit and not life and be concerned with marrying and having children and not even getting to know who and what I am as life and having almost no time (or money) to explore my unlimited true nature as life, only being obsessed with how my hair, makeup, clothing look to attract a mate, believing I have to ‘look a certain way’ to be worthy/deserving of another’s companionship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree to a system of menstration, in which I bleed and suffer horrible cramping , each and every month since I was 13 years old, getting blood all over my clothing and bedding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now endure the system of men-o-pause in which I am shutting down the reproductive part of my body, as if I am now expendable and not valued as life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to endure horrid hot flashes=night and day, sweats that make it impossible to get a good rest at night and making me tired and less productive or  able to enjoy my days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through this process of menopause and not be able to enjoy and make good use of time, now that my children are independent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice changes in my physical body; wrinkles, sagging skin on my legs, greying hair indicating I am on my way out/dying slowly but surely and to spend time fussing and covering up my physicality instead of being life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  be possessed with thoughts, directed by fear, that I am expendable, diminishing,  busy aging and dying and not living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by defeat, helplessness, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, shame, regret in thinking I shouldn’t bother writing music, it’s too late for me, I better shut up so I don’t piss my husband off, I need his money to survive, I better not piss off my children, I may want or need their company or assistance in the future as I age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking I am getting ugly and old and old people are shut away because it’s depressing to look at death in the face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and anxiety in thinking I should have plastic surgery, exercise, loose weight, color my hair, dress fashionable, so I am still valuable to my husband, as he will still want me for sex, or if he dumps me I still need to seduce another man so I better not ‘let myself go’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as old/older and continually comparing and compartmentalizing myself and others in accordance to age.

Realizations:  I realize I can be patient with myself as I learn and understand what I have agreed to and from this point on, participate in a new agreement with existence.

Self-Corrective Application:  I no longer accept and allow myself to suffocate my creativity and movement as me in each moment.   I no longer accept and allow a society/world that values youth only and it is acceptable for someone who is ‘young’ to be supported to grow and create but not an older person because of an assigned number which represents time accumulating in this world. I no longer accept and allow myself to think it is ok for a being to suffer and diminish in their physicality in this world but am in a process of investigation and discovery how we can come and go here in each moment of breath and not be slave to the construct of time and the mind of fear of death.

Whenever I am directed by fear, through the mind’s design of ego, that I am limited in anyway, but specifically in relation to living one and equal to my human physical body unconditionally (understanding it is a process I am in) I stop, I breathe. I remind myself again to be patient in my process of remaining here in each moment of breath and I bring myself out of my mind of polarities and alternate realities and back to what is real in the physical. I remind myself to be grateful for my day and get on with the task at hand.

January 2011

2011 – First Blog: My Process at Deteni

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/06/first-blog-my-process-at-desteni-journal-jan-411/

2011 – my process…SHUT UP

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/my-process-shut-up/

2011 – Loser and Gossip

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/10/loser-and-gossip/

2011 – Humiliation and the Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/humiliation-and-the-money-system/

2011 – Good Intentions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/good-intentions/

2011 – How I am not real…I change moment to moment

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/how-i-am-not-real-i-change-moment-to-moment/

2011 – My master fear shouts ‘hurry up’

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/14/my-master-fear-shouts-hurry-up/

2011 – hate and murder…it’s right there inside of me

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/hate-and-murder-its-right-there-inside-of-me/

2011 – News:  Horrible images of the dead but I am numb

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/news-horrible-images-of-the-dead-but-i-am-numb/

2011 – Egomania

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/egomania/

2011 – Fear of Standing Up

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/fear-of-standing-up/

2011 – A Disaplined Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/a-disciplined-life/

2011 – The Existing Money System and Debt

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/the-existing-money-system-and-debt/

February 2011

2011 – Fear of Attack:  My Process with Desteni

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/05/fear-of-attack-my-process-with-desteni/

2011 – My Friend Pika:  Process, A First

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/my-friend-pika-process-a-first/

2011 – I Am One Vote For World Equality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/08/i-am-one-vote-for-world-equality/

2011 – Self Trust & Common Sense

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/12/self-trust-common-sence/

2011 – Joy

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/joy/

2011 – Sugar Addiction

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/sugar-addiction/

2011 – Starting to Experience Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/23/starting-to-experience-life/

2011 – Why on Earth-lyrics

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/27/why-on-earth-by-sandy-jones-and-peter-linesman/

March 2011

2011 – Dropping the Ball and Chain

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/04/dropping-the-ball-and-chain/

2011 – Exploiting Cheap Labor: Does Ignorant = Innocent?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/08/exploiting-cheap-labour-does-ignorant-innocent/

2011 – Comparison; Woman Against Woman

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/10/comparison-woman-against-woman/

2011 – Process: Changes

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/14/process-changes/

April 2011

2011 – Process: Facing my Fears…uh oh…Huge Step Back

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – I Fear Smoking: Self Forgiveness

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – I Fear Losing Money:  Self Forgiveness

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – Are We Not ALL Princes Among Men?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/are-we-all-not-princes-among-men/

May 2011

2011 – Al-Queda Recruits: What am I  Missing Here?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/al-queda-recruits-what-am-i-missing-here/

2011 – My Experience with the Real Estate Career Scam

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/my-experience-with-the-real-estate-career-sham/

2011 – Canadian Election Shocker:  Hope for future equality…in the future

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/canadian-election-surprise-hope-for-future-equality-in-the-future/

2011 – Why didn’t I take my Kids to Cool ‘Singalong’ Classes when They were Young?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/14/why-didnt-i-take-my-kids-to-cool-singalong-classes-when-they-were-young/

2011 – I Hate My Husband;   Anger/Blame

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/i-hate-my-husband-angerblame/

2011 – The End is Here, yes the end of BS with an Equal Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/21/the-end-is-here-yes-the-end-of-bs-with-an-equal-money-system/

2011 – Banking: Price Increases…Insatiable Greed

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/banking-price-increases-no-one-asked-me/

2011 – Sport:  Competition Destroys the Self Esteem of the large majority of our Children

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/sport-competition-destroys-the-self-esteem-of-large-majority-of-our-children/

2011 – Music:  Beyonce Is A Bully

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/music-beyonce-is-a-bully/

June 2011

2011 – Why Sex Sells

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/why-sex-sells/

2011 – Mind Control – Cult – Beware !

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/mind-control-cult-beware/

2011 – MultiNational Greed and the Ugly Result

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/11/multinational-greed-and-the-ugly-result/

2011 – Causes of Poverty-Shocking Worldwide Statistics

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/causes-of-poverty-worldwide-statistics-shocking/

2011 – Vanity & Me:  Self Forgiveness on the Beauty System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/24/vanity-me-process-self-forgiveness-on-the-beauty-system/

2011 – Realizations!  Fear of Aging

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/25/realizations-fear-of-aging/

July 2011

2011 – Why I Stand for Equal Money and World Equality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/why-i-stand-for-equal-money-and-world-equality/

2011 – Emotions and Re-defining ‘Beauty’

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/02/emotions-and-re-defining-beauty/

2011 – Where ‘God’ led me:  An Exurpt from a Case Study on Alcoholism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/where-god-led-me-an-exurpt-from-a-casestudyblog-on-alcoholism/

2011 – Loss:  What I now realize.  What I will now accept and what I will not accept.

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/loss-what-i-now-realize-what-i-will-and-will-not-accept-and-allow/

2011 – The Road To Hell is Paved With Good Intentions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/the-road-to-hell-is-paved-with-good-intentions/

2011 – Quantum Self Realizations

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/quantum-self-realizations/

August 2011

2011 – Jealousy:  My Sister got the Family Cottage

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/15/jealousy-my-sister-got-the-family-cottage/

2011 – Regret:  The talk with my Dad

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/16/regret-the-talk-with-my-dad/

2011 – Trigger Points:  Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/trigger-points-self-forgiveness-and-corrective-statement/

2011 – Life as Survival of the Fittest Versus Life in an Equal Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/life-as-survival-of-the-fittest-versus-life-within-an-equal-money-system/

2011 – Equal Money is Not Communism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/equal-money-is-not-communism/

Septmeber 2011 

2011 – What Happens when I Accept an Idea of ‘God’?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/06/what-happens-when-i-accept-an-idea-of-god/

2011 – Experiences Keep Us Stuck

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/experiences-keep-us-stuck/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Self Sabotage:  The point of Inferiority

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/21/self-forgiveness-self-sabotage-the-point-of-inferiority/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Self Sabotage:  Assumptions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/self-forgiveness-self-sabotage-assumptions/

2011 – Self Forgiveness Book:  Childhood:  Thought Patterns

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/self-forgiveness-book-childhoodthought-patterns/

October  2011

2011 – Childhood Patterns:  Inhibitions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/childhood-patterns-inhibition/

2011 – Poverty & Pregnancy

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/poverty-and-pregnancy/

2011 – Childhood Memories:  Humiliation

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/08/childhood-memories-humiliation/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Childhood Memories:  Submissive Women

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/14/sf-childhood-memories-submissive-women/

2011- Unplanned Pregnancy & Equal Money

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/16/unplannedunwanted-pregnancy-and-equal-money/

2011 – FAQ:  Will Indigenous People Preserve their ‘Rights’ to live Outside the System?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/25/will-indigenous-people-preserve-their-rights-to-live-outside-of-the-system/

2011 – FAQ Equal Money:  Will I have to Wait in Line for Bread?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/27/faq-equal-money-will-i-have-to-wait-in-line-for-bread/

2011 – The Future of Money 2012:  Will There Be Banks in an Equal Money System?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/the-future-of-money-2012-will-there-be-banks-in-an-equal-money-system/

November 2011

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Childhood:  Thought Patterns:  Fear of Men

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/self-forgiveness-on-childhood-fear-of-men-thought-patterns/

2011 – Process:  Letting Go of my Relationship Personality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/process-letting-go-of-my-relationship-personality/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  Boyfriends

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/self-forgiveness-boyfriends-thought-patterns/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  High School Girlfriends

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/self-forgiveness-high-school-girlfriends/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:   Family-In-Laws

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/13/sf-thought-patterns-family-in-laws/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  My Father’s Drinking

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/self-forgiveness-childhood-memories-thought-patterns-my-fathers-drinking/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal money System:  Are you just going to print cash?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-are-you-going-to-just-print-cash/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System:  Will there be Euthanasia?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-will-there-be-euthanasia/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  BIG (Basic Income Grant)

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-2020-basic-income-grant/

2011 – Process:  Fantasies of Older Men: Realizations and Self Corrective Statements

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/27/so-many-men-so-little-time-realizations-and-self-corrective-statements-re-fantasies/

December 2011

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  Teen/Young Adult

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/memories-thought-patterns-self-forgiveness/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No more cheap glasses that ruin your eyes!

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/faq-equal-money-system-2020-no-more-cheap-glasses-that-ruin-your-eyes/

2011 – FAQ:  The End of Weapons Production with Equal Money

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/faq-the-end-of-weapons-production-with-equal-money/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No More OWS (Occupy Wall Street)

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/faq-equal-money-system-2020-no-more-owsoccupy-wall-street/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  Free World Travel

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/faq-equal-money-system-2020-free-world-travel/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No more Deepak Chopra

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/13/faq-equal-money-system-2020no-more-deepak-chopra/

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Use of Sleep Aids

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/24/self-forgiveness-on-use-of-sleep-aids/

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Alcoholism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/30/self-forgiveness-on-alcoholism/

January 2012

2012 – Self Forgiveness on ‘Happy” Childhood Memories

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/self-forgiveness-on-happy-childhood-memories/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Last Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/self-forgiveness-as-last-life/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Another:  The Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/self-forgiveness-as-another-the-money-system/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Another:  Parents, siblings, world systems, other

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/2011-self-forgiveness-as-another-parents-siblings-world-systems-other/

2012 – Self Forgiveness:  Karma

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/self-forgiveness-karma/

2012 – Self Forgiveness on Magic:  The Role of Time

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/self-forgiveness-on-magic-the-role-of-time/

2012 – 2012 Why I Could Hear the Desteni Message

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/2012-why-i-could-hear-the-desteni-message/

2012 – 2012 Is it more than a Prediction? Is it the End?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/2012-is-it-more-than-a-prediction-is-it-the-end/

2012 – 2012 Are you truly Alone? Where is the Savior?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/24/2012-are-you-truly-alone-where-is-the-savior/

2012 – 2012: Facing the Religion of Self

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/2012-facing-the-religion-of-self/

February 2012

2012 – 2012: What Does it Mean to Live Absolute?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/2012-what-does-it-mean-to-live-absolute/

2012 – 2012:  Will You Survive the Financial Collapse?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/2012-will-you-survive-the-financial-collapse/

2012 – Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth:  Did I take that seriously?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/2012-eckhart-tolles-new-earth-did-i-take-that-seriously/

2012 – History of the Interdimentional Portal

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/history-of-the-interdimentional-porta/

March 2012

2012 – Wayne Dyer’s ‘Power of Intention’ What Purpose Does it Serve?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/2012-wayne-dyers-the-power-of-intention-what-purpose-does-it-serve/

2012 – Economics: Ownership: The Lie that Kills

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/05/economics-ownership-the-lie-that-kills/

2012 – Secrets of Masturbation: Why even talk about it? Isn’t anything private anymore?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/secrets-of-masturbation-why-even-talk-about-this-isnt-anything-private-anymore/

2012 – ‘A Course in Miracles’ :  The miracle did nothing to improve my life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/2012-a-course-in-miracles-the-miracle-did-not-improve-my-life/

2012 – Voices in the Mind are Deception Not a Higher Power

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/voices-in-the-mind-are-deception-not-a-higher-power/

April 2012

2012 – W. Dyer:  Looking at “The Power Of Intention”

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/w-dyer-looking-at-the-power-of-intention/

2012 – Re-defining Education:  Social Develpment 1 to 6 months

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/re-education-social-development-1-to-6-months/

2012 – Healing Resentment: I’m So Pissed at My Husband!

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/healing-resentment-im-so-pissed-at-my-husband/

2012 – Sandy’s Journey To Life:  Day 1:  Resistance

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/sandys-journey-to-life-day-1-resistance/

2012 – Sandy’s Journey To Life:  Day 2:  Failed Relationships

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/sandys-journey-to-life-day-2-failed-relationships/

May 2012

2012 – Day 3:  I Hate that Rich Bitch:  Facing Jealousy, Regret, Spite

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/05/07/day-3-i-hate-that-rich-bitch-jealousy-regret-spite/

2012   Day 4: Failed Relationships: Facing My Father

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/day-4-failed-relationships-beginning-facing-my-father/

2012 – Day 5: Failed Relationships: Facing my Father 2

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/13/day-5-failed-relationships-facing-my-father-2/

2012 – Day 6: Failed Realtionships: My Mom: Being Bitchy to Store Clerks and My Partner

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/day-6-failed-relationships-my-mom/

2012 – Day 7: Facing my Father 3 : Little Girls are Inferior

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/day-7-facing-my-father-3-little-girls-are-inferior/

2012 – Day 8:  Failed Relationships: Rushing

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/23/day-8-failed-relationships-rushing/

2012 – Day 9: Personality Patterns: I Am Mom

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/26/day-9-personality-patterns-i-am-mom/

2012 – Day 10: Personality Patterns: I Am Mom the Protector

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/28/day-10-my-mom-personality-cont/

June 2012

2012 – Day 11: Mom as the possession of Worry

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/day-11-personalities-mom-as-the-possession-of-worry/

2012 – Day 12: Me as Mom: Summer Camp for the Rich

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/day-12-me-as-mom-summer-camp-for-the-rich/

2012 – Day 13: Facing Me as Mom: The Wicked Wealthy Ski Chalet

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/09/day-13-facing-personalities-mom-exclusive-ski-chalet/

I will start with the conscious thought I have around a certain kind of man. Although it it subsiding as I am changing and am less fearful and more self aware of how I am responsible for what occurs in my life, there is a kind of man who has frightened me alot. This man would have some or all of the following qualities: be good looking, commanding ie. ‘big’ presence/personality, big ‘talent’,  outspoken, friendly-even overly friendly, sexy, very smart, educated and well spoken, big ego, loud, center of attention, tall ususally not always, wealthy, funny, popular, fit, and muscular. I would be sexually attracted to these men, again usually and if they rejected me in any way, I would assume it was because I was a failure, I was not ‘enough’ (of something) for them and they were ‘right’.

Recently, and as recent as last night, I am becoming more aware of my ‘backchat’ which are the thoughts running continuously in your mind  (some call the ‘squirrels’ ‘gerbals running on the wheel’ ‘the committee’) . They are often vicious observations , they are memories of experiences of your past that keep playing out, supposedly protecting you /warning you but I see more and more they keep me enslaved to my mind and mind patterns.  So just for ‘fun’ I will guess some of the backchat thoughts would be; stupid prick, I fuckin’ hate men like that, he doesn’t like me, men like that never like me, i’m not pretty enough or funny enough, i’m just not enough of something , I’ll make him notice me, I hate him, stay away from him, he will humiliate you.

Thought Pattern: I hate Dr. H. (my Dad was a chiropractor and many of his friends were) He’s never nice to me. Be careful of him. He thinks your just pretty and disregards me other than that. I’m not ‘good enough’ to talk to or joke with , like he does with that girl/woman, I am not ‘good enough’ to give attention to or become friends with. If I try to talk with him he blows me off. I dont’ look good tonight. He likes her, she’s really funny and cute/beautiful/smart/rich/successful/unique, I’m just plain and average. I don’t blame him. Just talk to the other losers. They’re nice. I hate fucking men like that anyway.

thought: Men like that; smart, funny, successful, handsome, popular, powerful, don’t like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think men who are smart funny, successful, handsome, successful, popular and powerful don’t like me. I realize it makes no difference whether someone likes me or not , I am the same in either case. I no longer accept and allow myself to be ’emotionally’ dependent on another’s opinion and interaction with me. I realize I can trust myself now and if I am not ‘comfortable’ with someone I can stay at a distance and don’t need to interact with them. I no longer accept and allow myself to judge someone if I choose not to interact with them or they choose to not interact with me.

Whenever I have the thought   ‘ Men like that; smart, funny, successful, handsome, popular, powerful, don’t like me’ I stop, I breathe. I realize I can choose who I speak to without any emotion attached to the descision. I no longer accept and allow myself to need approval from  others, I no longer accept and allow myself to be energetically charged with emotions (fear, insecurity, jealousy) that can harm me. Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical with each ‘here’ moment of breath and I remind myself I do not need to ‘feel’ popular, liked, pretty but can enjoy my own company and relax and calm down in whatever social situation I find myself in.

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A pattern I have seen, with the men in my life, is waiting up for them, worrying, obsessing over their whereabouts, safety, fidelity, intentions, and integrity. It started as a little girl pacing in my bedroom until my Dad came home. It did not matter if he was home at 3a.m. I would not sleep until he pulled in the driveway. It continued into my first marriage for many years. Today I find myself going into this pattern now and then if one of my adult children are late (when they are at home, that is).

Thought Pattern: He’s not home yet. What time is it? How many hours has he been late? I hope he hasn’t gotten into a car accident. Oh god, please bring him home safely, please let him be ok, pleeeeeeease God, I’ll do anything. What time is it? He’s drinking and driving. He’s probably drunk. Its’ a snow  storm, he could be killed or hurt. Maybe he’s fooling around. He may be unfaithful….He’s not home yet. What time is it…….

Thought: Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to think ‘Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss-of father/husband/child, anxiety, self-pity, helplessness, hopelessness over the thougtht, ‘   Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen.’

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear and anxiety over the thought, ‘Oh God, he’s late, where is he? Something bad could happen’ I stop , I breathe. I no longer accept and allow myself to waste my time on victim statements in my mind. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by fear of loss but instead bring myself back to the physical in that moment and realize the only thing that is real is ‘here’ in this breath. I realize I don’t control events outside of myself and I calm down and take whatever action, a phone call perhaps, is necessary or possible, I talk to someone about my concern, I watch tv if I feel it would help me until I find out what has occurred for this person to be late.


Memory: I was somewhere between 5 and 8 years old.  My ‘best’ girlfriend and I had, for quite some time, enjoyed rehearsing and performing for our parents various musical ‘skits’,  songs and dances. We were free and uninhibited in our expression, truly innocent and I was ‘happy’ and ‘confident’. I do not remember the event/events that occurred prior to me ‘backing out’ of these performances but I remember telling my little co-star I would not perform anymore. She was aghast and told me , like she was scolding me, ‘I’m very disappointed in you Sandy’. Well, that didn’t help. I felt a deep sense of shame by exposing my fear and weakness to her but better that than expose myself in front of our parents on stage.  It was like I became aware of me ‘alone’ on stage, whereas before that, being ‘one’ alone on stage was not even a conscious thought I had. I understand now I was not ‘separate’ from the ‘song’, the stage, the audience and me-it was one= the performance. BTW you can’t sing if you are paranoid about ‘what others think’. Interestingly, I re-visited singing and stage fright in my 30’s and 40’s with a little more success.

The thougtht: I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.

Thought Pattern: ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people.’

Note: To this day, I actually do not like nor agree with competition however, l love music, dance, singing, playing an instrument and other forms of artistic expression.  So the key-go back to the garden of Eden, throw off the damn fig leaf. But…how to find my way back? There is a way, a map…

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Self Forgiveness :  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, i”m not good enough, they will reject me’, exist as real within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought pattern , ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people’ exist within and as me as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: shame, fear, little, try, tries, fail, failure, weak, humiliation, inhibited, fool, winner, loser, competition,compete, jealous, jealousy, exposed, naked to the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’.

Realizations: I realize , as a little girl, my family did not play music or act spontaniously so this is not something-as in an expression- I was ‘used to ‘. I realize, although my parents did the best they could, my father could be harsh and use humiliation with his children to put us down/keep us in line. Although I do not remember any specific examples at this young age,  I realize I could have seen/heard him do this with one of my siblings and he was just intimidating and frightening in general so I was not in a supportive atmosphere.  I realize I have gotten over much of this inhibition but still have a way to go and I can be kind and patient with myself. I realize I love artistic expression of songwriting and singing and playing and dancing freely and the point of the art/expression has nothing to do with another person but me in the moment. I realize comparing and competition is a waste of time and I can enjoy another beings expression and if I admire something, I can be inspired by that being to learn and grow by their example. I realize if I am uncomfortabe with something I should ‘practice’ more alone until I feel confident enough to share with others present.

Self corrective statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of inhibition, at the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by the emotion of inhibition, keeping me silent, chained by fear of being a ‘fool’ and rejected by others. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from others as art as their expression. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from myself as an unlimited being who can learn and grow artistically. Instead I bring myself out of my mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions, and back ‘here’ to the physical. I remain ‘here’ aware as each breath of each moment. I refuse to participate in mind polarities of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ ‘talented’ and ‘untalented’ and I refuse to participate in this childhood thought pattern which keeps me stuck in a timeloop-forever creating my future by being in my mind with memories of the past -so actually living and reliving the past. I decide if I am ready to perform in front of others and prepare myself accordingly. I get on with the task at hand and on with my day.

Inhibition: new definition

A suppression of a certain expression due to past  punishment. A reminder to me to get out of my head of past thoughts and emotions and perfect my presentation so I am confident performing artistically.