Posts Tagged ‘husband’

I am interupting my blogs on failed relationships because I had such a strong reaction to a woman I saw in a coffee shop yesterday.  I was an aquaintance of hers years ago, our daughter’s were friedns in primary school. Point is, nothing happened, we do not say ‘hi’ to one another, doesn’t matter, it was just my reaction and explosion of backchat and emotion that I am concerned with and want expose and forgive so I can stop the pattern of reaction whenever I see a woman I know , or I don’t know, who represents rich bitch to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself into believing a picture has any power to control me, represented as a woman with expensive clothing, jewelery, etc. defining who she is as life or who I am as life, as a woman, equal to just a role/actor in a movie to be shiny and pretty as a trophy for her husband and to make other women appear less than so she and she as me, may be rewarded with positive energy in the form of feeling better than. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to judge myself as less than/inferior to the  picture of this woman who always wears high heels and has very expensive hair style, huge house, drives a mercedes benz,  and thereby say to myself that I am nothing without wealth and without engaging/indulging in the hierarchical and  patriarchical systems of abuse that currently exist in this world. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt in thinking, ‘I should not judge her as a rich bitch when I really do not know her, she seemed friendly/nice enough years ago’. I realize I do not judge her as much as not trust what she advertises herself to be as in involved in materialism and competition. I am in the process of removing myself from these world systems of beauty, competition, personal wealth for self interest. I realize we are one and equal in fact as she is me and not separate from and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this woman to other woman I have known in my past thereby abusing myself with getting lost in memories in my mind which can harm me, bringing up thoughts and emotions of regret, spite, jealously about what material things I do not have (indulgences as I have all I need), trips I cannot take, shameful memories feeling less than with wealthy friends and family, comparing what I could get for /do for my young children versus what others could do for their children, and on and on desires/wants.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective action, to remind myself that I am not a picture, nor is any other woman, and commit to not competing with any other woman for a man’s attention/desire/money by draping myself in money as fashion, jewelery, shoes, hair style, make-up but to examine my starting point when dressing that it is not to be more than another being but for comfort and practicality and enjoyment.  

I commit myself to never again judge myself as a loser/less than/average/inferior when seeing another being who is dressed to attract attention.  I commit myself to more and more withdrawing from the money system and world systems that state I, as a woman, must dress/look a certain way to be desirable or worthy and instead express my physicality in a way that is self-honest to me in the moment, whether it be for fun or sport or comfort, etc.  

I commit myself to not judge another being by their appearance and know I am as/equally responsible for the abuse of individuals being treated as less than/inferior, the abuse of human beings within the money system, the abuse of woman as sexualized by the media within/for profiting from selling sex/goods within the current money system.

   I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective living, to staying ‘here’ in my awareness and not getting lost in my mind by connecting a wealthy woman in a coffee shop to memories, bringing up pictures in my mind, judgements/opinions, emotions of anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, regret, hatred, spitefulness, and continual thoughts.

I commit myself , when I see someone from my past who is a woman who is wealthy and physically adorning herself, to stop and breathe and simply say hello (whatever is appropriate) and to not judge her by the past and realize the truth that we are in fact one and equal and be an example of that.   Image

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I realized when doing muscle communication, part of my *Dip course, I have a huge resentment toward my husband. A few mornings ago I, not only reacted but over-reacted to the simple act of him turning off some lights,  first thing in the morning. Just recently I have been getting up first, now I am no longer taking any sleep medication I require much less sleep (awesome!).

When my husband, Alex gets up at 7am it is just getting light out so I still have the lights on and I am usually sitting at my computer.  He turned off the hall light upstairs and then came downstairs and turned off the dining room light, without asking me. I went ballistic. My justification was that, since I work at home, it was like he was in my office and how dare he make a decision that affected my ability to do my work.

I felt guilty about my over-reaction. I also brought into the ‘fight’ that he and his daughter are inconsiderate by leaving their personal belongings all over the house, not cleaning up the kitchen after themselves, etc.

I googled the difference between anger and resentment. I seems that anger is experienced in the moment-for the event that is occurring and resentment runs deeper as an emotion of anger built up over time for issues one has not dealt with let alone resolved.

What I then realized is that I am resentful towards him for not being open to moving and not being open to getting a loan so we can finish our renovations, which inhibits our ability to act should we decide to move.

We are so broke all the time, as our mortgage is large and the property tax is large as well as the bills to run the home (it is not a large home but not small either). So he is constantly turning down the heat, turning off lights etc. to reduce expenses. Although I agree with this strategy, I feel he goes to extremes about it and I want to be comfortable with small things in my home.

I believe we can live quite fine in a condo or smaller home. As well I worry that interest rates in Canada will rise (the government is warning the public this could happen at any time now) and as a consequence the housing market will crash and we will lose the equity we have in our home and end up owing more than we have, for example the value of the home drops to 100 and we owe 200. Therefore, we will not have any equity/money left to purchase a new home or even afford an apartment.

Whereas, if we moved now we would have a good sum to purchase a smaller property, even be mortgage free and thus reduce the financial stress in our lives and have money to assist our children with university, I could save to go to the Desteni Farm, he could go on a golf trip, whatever, not be cash strapped!

Thought: I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting.

Realizations: I realize Alex is doing his best to get along with me and ‘save’ our home. I realize he believes the market will subside/adjust somewhat and then slowly increase over time as we live in a ‘desirable’ location and the economy rises and falls and it will continue to do so as it did with our parents generation. I realize he thinks I adhere to some doomsday prophecy which he believes is unrealistic and I should not ‘worry’.  I realize it is my responsibility to address thoughts, feelings and emotions that come up inside of me and to communicate this calmly to another being when appropriate and not in reaction. I realize Alex loves and respects me and does intend the best for all of us as a family. I realize both he and Campbell have improved in picking up after themselves.

Acceptances & Allowances: I no longer accept and allow myself to react in anger and resentment towards Alex when he does things in the home to save money, we discuss bills, I bring up the option of moving, we are stressed before ‘payday’, the kids need money, we talk about our renovation.

Self Forgiveness:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of each and every movement within me so as to be responsible for my thoughts, feelings and emotions and not blame Alex for what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Alex as wrong and me as right, within the mind consciousness’s design of polarity thinking instead of focusing on myself and the issue so we can find a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm myself by carrying issues within my human physical body by keeping silent in the moment when an issue arises, thereby creating resentment within and as me and unleashing this resentment toward someone I love and respect and causing them suffering.

Self-Corrective Application:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of resentment toward the thought, ‘I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting’ I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow energy as a reaction inside of me to go unnoticed and not addressed. I remind myself it is all about money (which is not even real) and we are both working and life is very expensive. I remind myself Alex is my companion whom I appreciate as he offers me endless support and company. I bring myself back to the physical and out of my mind of thought, to what is in fact real and continue breathing with awareness of each breath here. I get on with my day.

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Probably, my earliest memory is when i  was 4 or 5 years old. I sucked my thumb as a child. I was the youngest of 4 children. I remember being with my sister, outside of our home on the sidewalk and she said, ‘If you keep sucking your thumb, you’ll get buck teeth and the boys won’t like you.’ I recall being quite concerned even though I didn’t care about boys I was aware that this seemed quite important and this is something I didn’t want to occur, that it was ‘important’ to look ‘pretty’ for boys. I stopped sucking my thumb shortly after that! I could see my Dad went to work=made the money and my Mom stayed home, so perhaps even at that young age I equated ‘survival’  to ‘looking pretty’.

Thought : It is important to look pretty for boys/men. Thought pattern: Look pretty for boys. It is important. If you are not pretty you lack ‘value’ and you will be ignored. If I am not pretty ‘enough’ the man/boy will like another more and ignore me. There is a limited number of ‘appropriate’ men/boys for me to choose from. Therefore, I must ‘compete’ with the other women/girl’s for the ‘better’ men/boys. If you are ignored you will miss an opportunity to be dependent on a man who could provide financial stability, comfort and company for you. You will be alone, an ‘old maid’, and will not ‘fit into ‘ society and be an outcast. You will not be part of the ‘family system’, be homeless, childless, and die without money.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for believing the thought  ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought  ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’  exist within and as me and to believe it is real (specifically, to believe ‘pretty’ ‘ulgy’= polarites of the mind are real versus each being is just here as a physical expression of themselves, no judgement required). I realize this thought makes all other women ‘enemy’ so I am in a state of constant turmoil – controlled by my mind in an energetic state of fear- of women as they can ‘take’ from me opportunity or whom I now have as my life partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘looking pretty’ to the thought ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of fear and the emotion of anxiety to the thought, ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words competition, threat, hate, high school, clique, winner, loser, thin, fashion, divorce, war, enemy, jealous and  jealousy, to the thought ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’.

I realize this was the first of many messages I was to receive about the superficial ‘importance’ of physical appearance. There were several on T.V., adds on billboards, magazines etc.  I realize I rarely heard messages about comfort or dressing/appearace to express myself as who I am as life. I no longer accept and allow myself to connect physical appearance as ‘pretty’ to being liked/desired by men. I no longer accept and allow myself to engage in the polarity design of the mind as thoughts of ‘pretty’ and ‘ugly’, ‘desirable’ and ‘undesirable’, ‘better than’ and ‘less than’. I realize this started a pattern of competition with other women for the attention of a man. I realize I believed there were only a scarce few opportunities because of ‘time’ and number of suitable /desirable men to choose from. I realize this started a pattern of thought that I would never ‘get ‘ the best looking/most popular boy/man because I was pretty but not beautiful. I realize this started a pattern of belief that ‘appearance’ as ‘good looking’  is important to be ‘chosen’ by a partner and in ‘choosing’ a partner. I realize through this belief I focused on my and others outward appearance superficially and virtually ignored all others whom i deemed ‘not good looking’ and therefore not ‘important’.

Self Corrective Statement and Directive Action:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear and anxiety at the thought, ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’ I stop, I breath . I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed/enslaved by this fear as thoughts and emotions in my mind, instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical, to what is fact real. I realize I do not control others by how I look but in fact react to my own thoughts and emotions. I realize I am not a picture and no longer accept and allow myself to exist in this limited way. I accept and allow myself to express myself in comfortable clothing and how I want to in the moment and no longer ‘worry’ about fashion. I get out of my head and continue with the task at hand and my day.