Posts Tagged ‘insecurity’

January 2011

2011 – First Blog: My Process at Deteni

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/06/first-blog-my-process-at-desteni-journal-jan-411/

2011 – my process…SHUT UP

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/my-process-shut-up/

2011 – Loser and Gossip

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/10/loser-and-gossip/

2011 – Humiliation and the Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/humiliation-and-the-money-system/

2011 – Good Intentions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/good-intentions/

2011 – How I am not real…I change moment to moment

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/how-i-am-not-real-i-change-moment-to-moment/

2011 – My master fear shouts ‘hurry up’

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/14/my-master-fear-shouts-hurry-up/

2011 – hate and murder…it’s right there inside of me

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/hate-and-murder-its-right-there-inside-of-me/

2011 – News:  Horrible images of the dead but I am numb

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/news-horrible-images-of-the-dead-but-i-am-numb/

2011 – Egomania

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/egomania/

2011 – Fear of Standing Up

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/fear-of-standing-up/

2011 – A Disaplined Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/a-disciplined-life/

2011 – The Existing Money System and Debt

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/the-existing-money-system-and-debt/

February 2011

2011 – Fear of Attack:  My Process with Desteni

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/05/fear-of-attack-my-process-with-desteni/

2011 – My Friend Pika:  Process, A First

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/my-friend-pika-process-a-first/

2011 – I Am One Vote For World Equality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/08/i-am-one-vote-for-world-equality/

2011 – Self Trust & Common Sense

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/12/self-trust-common-sence/

2011 – Joy

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/joy/

2011 – Sugar Addiction

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/sugar-addiction/

2011 – Starting to Experience Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/23/starting-to-experience-life/

2011 – Why on Earth-lyrics

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/02/27/why-on-earth-by-sandy-jones-and-peter-linesman/

March 2011

2011 – Dropping the Ball and Chain

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/04/dropping-the-ball-and-chain/

2011 – Exploiting Cheap Labor: Does Ignorant = Innocent?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/08/exploiting-cheap-labour-does-ignorant-innocent/

2011 – Comparison; Woman Against Woman

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/10/comparison-woman-against-woman/

2011 – Process: Changes

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/03/14/process-changes/

April 2011

2011 – Process: Facing my Fears…uh oh…Huge Step Back

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – I Fear Smoking: Self Forgiveness

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – I Fear Losing Money:  Self Forgiveness

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/process-facing-my-fears-uh-oh-huge-step-back/

2011 – Are We Not ALL Princes Among Men?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/are-we-all-not-princes-among-men/

May 2011

2011 – Al-Queda Recruits: What am I  Missing Here?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/al-queda-recruits-what-am-i-missing-here/

2011 – My Experience with the Real Estate Career Scam

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/my-experience-with-the-real-estate-career-sham/

2011 – Canadian Election Shocker:  Hope for future equality…in the future

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/canadian-election-surprise-hope-for-future-equality-in-the-future/

2011 – Why didn’t I take my Kids to Cool ‘Singalong’ Classes when They were Young?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/14/why-didnt-i-take-my-kids-to-cool-singalong-classes-when-they-were-young/

2011 – I Hate My Husband;   Anger/Blame

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/i-hate-my-husband-angerblame/

2011 – The End is Here, yes the end of BS with an Equal Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/21/the-end-is-here-yes-the-end-of-bs-with-an-equal-money-system/

2011 – Banking: Price Increases…Insatiable Greed

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/banking-price-increases-no-one-asked-me/

2011 – Sport:  Competition Destroys the Self Esteem of the large majority of our Children

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/sport-competition-destroys-the-self-esteem-of-large-majority-of-our-children/

2011 – Music:  Beyonce Is A Bully

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/music-beyonce-is-a-bully/

June 2011

2011 – Why Sex Sells

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/why-sex-sells/

2011 – Mind Control – Cult – Beware !

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/10/mind-control-cult-beware/

2011 – MultiNational Greed and the Ugly Result

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/11/multinational-greed-and-the-ugly-result/

2011 – Causes of Poverty-Shocking Worldwide Statistics

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/causes-of-poverty-worldwide-statistics-shocking/

2011 – Vanity & Me:  Self Forgiveness on the Beauty System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/24/vanity-me-process-self-forgiveness-on-the-beauty-system/

2011 – Realizations!  Fear of Aging

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/06/25/realizations-fear-of-aging/

July 2011

2011 – Why I Stand for Equal Money and World Equality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/why-i-stand-for-equal-money-and-world-equality/

2011 – Emotions and Re-defining ‘Beauty’

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/02/emotions-and-re-defining-beauty/

2011 – Where ‘God’ led me:  An Exurpt from a Case Study on Alcoholism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/where-god-led-me-an-exurpt-from-a-casestudyblog-on-alcoholism/

2011 – Loss:  What I now realize.  What I will now accept and what I will not accept.

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/loss-what-i-now-realize-what-i-will-and-will-not-accept-and-allow/

2011 – The Road To Hell is Paved With Good Intentions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/the-road-to-hell-is-paved-with-good-intentions/

2011 – Quantum Self Realizations

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/quantum-self-realizations/

August 2011

2011 – Jealousy:  My Sister got the Family Cottage

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/15/jealousy-my-sister-got-the-family-cottage/

2011 – Regret:  The talk with my Dad

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/16/regret-the-talk-with-my-dad/

2011 – Trigger Points:  Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/trigger-points-self-forgiveness-and-corrective-statement/

2011 – Life as Survival of the Fittest Versus Life in an Equal Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/life-as-survival-of-the-fittest-versus-life-within-an-equal-money-system/

2011 – Equal Money is Not Communism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/equal-money-is-not-communism/

Septmeber 2011 

2011 – What Happens when I Accept an Idea of ‘God’?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/06/what-happens-when-i-accept-an-idea-of-god/

2011 – Experiences Keep Us Stuck

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/experiences-keep-us-stuck/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Self Sabotage:  The point of Inferiority

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/21/self-forgiveness-self-sabotage-the-point-of-inferiority/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Self Sabotage:  Assumptions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/self-forgiveness-self-sabotage-assumptions/

2011 – Self Forgiveness Book:  Childhood:  Thought Patterns

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/self-forgiveness-book-childhoodthought-patterns/

October  2011

2011 – Childhood Patterns:  Inhibitions

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/childhood-patterns-inhibition/

2011 – Poverty & Pregnancy

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/poverty-and-pregnancy/

2011 – Childhood Memories:  Humiliation

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/08/childhood-memories-humiliation/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Childhood Memories:  Submissive Women

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/14/sf-childhood-memories-submissive-women/

2011- Unplanned Pregnancy & Equal Money

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/16/unplannedunwanted-pregnancy-and-equal-money/

2011 – FAQ:  Will Indigenous People Preserve their ‘Rights’ to live Outside the System?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/25/will-indigenous-people-preserve-their-rights-to-live-outside-of-the-system/

2011 – FAQ Equal Money:  Will I have to Wait in Line for Bread?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/27/faq-equal-money-will-i-have-to-wait-in-line-for-bread/

2011 – The Future of Money 2012:  Will There Be Banks in an Equal Money System?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/the-future-of-money-2012-will-there-be-banks-in-an-equal-money-system/

November 2011

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Childhood:  Thought Patterns:  Fear of Men

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/self-forgiveness-on-childhood-fear-of-men-thought-patterns/

2011 – Process:  Letting Go of my Relationship Personality

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/process-letting-go-of-my-relationship-personality/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  Boyfriends

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/self-forgiveness-boyfriends-thought-patterns/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  High School Girlfriends

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/self-forgiveness-high-school-girlfriends/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:   Family-In-Laws

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/13/sf-thought-patterns-family-in-laws/

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  My Father’s Drinking

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/self-forgiveness-childhood-memories-thought-patterns-my-fathers-drinking/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal money System:  Are you just going to print cash?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-are-you-going-to-just-print-cash/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System:  Will there be Euthanasia?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-will-there-be-euthanasia/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  BIG (Basic Income Grant)

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/faq-equal-money-system-2020-basic-income-grant/

2011 – Process:  Fantasies of Older Men: Realizations and Self Corrective Statements

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/11/27/so-many-men-so-little-time-realizations-and-self-corrective-statements-re-fantasies/

December 2011

2011 – Self Forgiveness:  Thought Patterns:  Teen/Young Adult

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/memories-thought-patterns-self-forgiveness/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No more cheap glasses that ruin your eyes!

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/faq-equal-money-system-2020-no-more-cheap-glasses-that-ruin-your-eyes/

2011 – FAQ:  The End of Weapons Production with Equal Money

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/faq-the-end-of-weapons-production-with-equal-money/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No More OWS (Occupy Wall Street)

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/faq-equal-money-system-2020-no-more-owsoccupy-wall-street/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  Free World Travel

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/faq-equal-money-system-2020-free-world-travel/

2011 – FAQ:  Equal Money System 2020:  No more Deepak Chopra

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/13/faq-equal-money-system-2020no-more-deepak-chopra/

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Use of Sleep Aids

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/24/self-forgiveness-on-use-of-sleep-aids/

2011 – Self Forgiveness on Alcoholism

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2011/12/30/self-forgiveness-on-alcoholism/

January 2012

2012 – Self Forgiveness on ‘Happy” Childhood Memories

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/self-forgiveness-on-happy-childhood-memories/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Last Life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/self-forgiveness-as-last-life/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Another:  The Money System

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/self-forgiveness-as-another-the-money-system/

2012 – Self Forgiveness As Another:  Parents, siblings, world systems, other

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/2011-self-forgiveness-as-another-parents-siblings-world-systems-other/

2012 – Self Forgiveness:  Karma

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/self-forgiveness-karma/

2012 – Self Forgiveness on Magic:  The Role of Time

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/self-forgiveness-on-magic-the-role-of-time/

2012 – 2012 Why I Could Hear the Desteni Message

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/2012-why-i-could-hear-the-desteni-message/

2012 – 2012 Is it more than a Prediction? Is it the End?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/2012-is-it-more-than-a-prediction-is-it-the-end/

2012 – 2012 Are you truly Alone? Where is the Savior?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/24/2012-are-you-truly-alone-where-is-the-savior/

2012 – 2012: Facing the Religion of Self

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/2012-facing-the-religion-of-self/

February 2012

2012 – 2012: What Does it Mean to Live Absolute?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/2012-what-does-it-mean-to-live-absolute/

2012 – 2012:  Will You Survive the Financial Collapse?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/2012-will-you-survive-the-financial-collapse/

2012 – Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth:  Did I take that seriously?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/2012-eckhart-tolles-new-earth-did-i-take-that-seriously/

2012 – History of the Interdimentional Portal

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/history-of-the-interdimentional-porta/

March 2012

2012 – Wayne Dyer’s ‘Power of Intention’ What Purpose Does it Serve?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/2012-wayne-dyers-the-power-of-intention-what-purpose-does-it-serve/

2012 – Economics: Ownership: The Lie that Kills

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/05/economics-ownership-the-lie-that-kills/

2012 – Secrets of Masturbation: Why even talk about it? Isn’t anything private anymore?

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/secrets-of-masturbation-why-even-talk-about-this-isnt-anything-private-anymore/

2012 – ‘A Course in Miracles’ :  The miracle did nothing to improve my life

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/2012-a-course-in-miracles-the-miracle-did-not-improve-my-life/

2012 – Voices in the Mind are Deception Not a Higher Power

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/voices-in-the-mind-are-deception-not-a-higher-power/

April 2012

2012 – W. Dyer:  Looking at “The Power Of Intention”

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/w-dyer-looking-at-the-power-of-intention/

2012 – Re-defining Education:  Social Develpment 1 to 6 months

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/re-education-social-development-1-to-6-months/

2012 – Healing Resentment: I’m So Pissed at My Husband!

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/healing-resentment-im-so-pissed-at-my-husband/

2012 – Sandy’s Journey To Life:  Day 1:  Resistance

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/sandys-journey-to-life-day-1-resistance/

2012 – Sandy’s Journey To Life:  Day 2:  Failed Relationships

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/sandys-journey-to-life-day-2-failed-relationships/

May 2012

2012 – Day 3:  I Hate that Rich Bitch:  Facing Jealousy, Regret, Spite

https://sandymacgillivray.wordpress.com/2012/05/07/day-3-i-hate-that-rich-bitch-jealousy-regret-spite/

2012   Day 4: Failed Relationships: Facing My Father

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/day-4-failed-relationships-beginning-facing-my-father/

2012 – Day 5: Failed Relationships: Facing my Father 2

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/13/day-5-failed-relationships-facing-my-father-2/

2012 – Day 6: Failed Realtionships: My Mom: Being Bitchy to Store Clerks and My Partner

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/day-6-failed-relationships-my-mom/

2012 – Day 7: Facing my Father 3 : Little Girls are Inferior

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/day-7-facing-my-father-3-little-girls-are-inferior/

2012 – Day 8:  Failed Relationships: Rushing

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/23/day-8-failed-relationships-rushing/

2012 – Day 9: Personality Patterns: I Am Mom

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/26/day-9-personality-patterns-i-am-mom/

2012 – Day 10: Personality Patterns: I Am Mom the Protector

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/05/28/day-10-my-mom-personality-cont/

June 2012

2012 – Day 11: Mom as the possession of Worry

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/day-11-personalities-mom-as-the-possession-of-worry/

2012 – Day 12: Me as Mom: Summer Camp for the Rich

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/day-12-me-as-mom-summer-camp-for-the-rich/

2012 – Day 13: Facing Me as Mom: The Wicked Wealthy Ski Chalet

http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/09/day-13-facing-personalities-mom-exclusive-ski-chalet/

According to Wikipedia as of this articles date BIG, a Basic Income Grant  is “…an unconditional government-insured guarantee that all citizens will have enough income to meet their basic needs.”

It will take several years of re-education before an Equal Money system is possible in this world. As everyone will agree, many, many people are suffering horribly on earth currently. So to alleviate the suffering and allow people the opportunity to  get out of a `survival`mentality, BIG will be sufficient to stabilize ones life. In fact the  Basic Income Grant is suggested and recommended  by those who advocate for an Equal Money System.

Once a person no longer has to focus just on survival as in  shelter, food, clothing, water one can expand ones awareness to just how extensive the abuse has become on earth.  With a basic income grant cost such as and including:  rent, mortgage, electricity, heat, clean water, food, health care, clothing and transportation would be covered. This is not an equal money system but a first step towards what we will create as actual heaven on earth.

With the implementation of BIG, there will still be rich and poor, better than less than, charity, polarities of all kinds, war, abuse from those ìn power who have the wealth, no power to stop the trillions of dollars allocated to space programs, the war machine ie. fighter jets, the latest hollywood film in which the ‘star’ gets paid 10 million dollars, the baseball player signed on for 50 million dollars per year, deception, profit and loss.

Yet, it is difficult to impossible to ponder let alone participate in a solution when you are trying to survive . Perhaps you have others who are depending on you for their survival as well, children, elderly parents. You get up at dawn, work you ass off, come home to other important obligations and fall into bed knowing you are trapped, there is no money left (you`re behind in bills, debt= the biggest evilest scam of all time) for you to take a vacation with your family, buy something for the home or children.

It`s time we look at this : money is not real, its an idea, designed for trade. Well then we can re-design it since it is not working best for all . It only supports the few with a life worth living.

We all breath the same air people, we are all born with nothing on our backs. We all need to eat and we all shit! Equally. We`re just making it up as we go along. Stop. Lets re-think, re-design, WTF, how is your faith and love working. I say:  don`t shut up, stand up, stand-up now!

BIG will be a start in the right direction.  Please investigate EqualMoney.Org  &  Desteni.co.za to learn more!

These people are actually my ex-in-laws, as I have been separated from my first husband for about 17 year now. Because we had 2 children I still had several times/reason to interact with them over the years. It seems very messy and complicated to me right now as I write this. Lets see if I can keep moving and not go into my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this process is too difficult and I am too tierd to continue and I could do it tomorrow.

I will get right to the thought pattern:

I hate fuckin’ T. I hate them all. All their precious money, that’s first, then da, da, da, da, …the FAMILY. That’s all that matters. It’s quite sick because it took me years to get ‘comfortable’ with them and lovey dovey and then boom I was out, out , out! They ditched me with equal energy they initially used to embrace me. Yes, they came around quite a bit when others noticed how evil this was but all in all it ‘s like, ok..we’ll throw you a bone…now that’s enough, we help your children through their father. They are fucking rich and the brother mega rich and their daughter, my neice, is a horribly spoiled person. She delighted in humiliating my children -as did her mother- because they had the bucks to ‘inherit’ the family chalet early (they could carry it) so it gave them the excuse they needed to exercise/voice what they really believe; that they are superior and ‘better than’ so they treated my kids like crap. God I hate them all for that. My daughter was very courageous and stood up to them in a way that they could not alienate/destroy her further. She informed them repectfully she would not be going back to the ‘chalet’ so my bother in law ‘comes to the rescue’ to ‘smooth over’ what his hateful ,dispicable family did.  So my daughter is still stuck with them and ‘loves’ them but she saw the evil truth that is just underneath all their expensive clothes and cars. My sister in law said to me one year, ‘I’d love to do it every year, darlin'” suggesting she would take my daughter on a southern vacation yearly. Insensitive cow, I was just making ends meet and she and the others would swoop in and take them away, or buy a car (Mom, can I have gas money, can you help pay for car repairs?) expensive snowboard equipment, weekends at expensive cottage on and on. No it didn’t help in the long run, it was fucking humiliating.  I have sucked up to them for years so that I don’t ‘hurt my children’ and for that my ex screamed at me last week ‘you fucking bitch’ when all I have ever done is tried my best to ‘get along’ with him and his family. Enough is enough. Fuck them.

Thought:  I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and go into an energetic reaction within my physical human body of the following harmful emotions: fear, guilt, shame, humiliation, hatred, sorrow, rejection, lonliness, regret, vulnerability, anger and inferiority at the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: chalet, cottage, Muskoka, wealth, rich, money, family, christmas, children, unfair, alcoholism, insane, husband, ex-husband, love, revenge, car, Mercedes, BMW, clothes, jewlery to the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot.’

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of  fear, guilt, shame, humiliation, hatred, sorrow, rejection, lonliness, regret, vulnerability, anger and inferiority at the thought, ‘ I hate my ex-husbands family. They are all rich and think they are better than me because I was in need. I hope they rot’, I stop, I breathe.  I realize they have helped me (the children) in various ways throughout the years. I realize it is the money system and their own programming which directs them. I realize it is my responsibility, as I made the decision to have children, to provide for them. I realize I would probably behave the same way if I had become wealthy in this world.   I no longer accept and allow myself to blame others for my life circumstances as it is a waste of time. I accept and allow myself to heal through self forgiveness and be free from energy of memories (as pictures in my mind, thoughts, emotions) that could harm me. I accept and allow myself to walk in presence and awareness of my physical human body in each breath as that is what I can trust in this world. I accept and allow myself to end the cycle/timeloops that these reactions to thoughts have caused. I bring myself out of my mind of illusions and back to the physical and feel my feet on the ground and get on with my day.

 I have had several ‘issues’ with woman, mostly groups of women, over the years. I am-was guilty of vicious gossip as well the target of-I do not accept and allow this behavior in myself anymore nor have I for many years. Today I have a few close ‘girlfriends’ and many respected other people in my life whom I socialize with and enjoy extensively.

The Lorne Park girls 1: These are the group of girls I was friends with in high school and beyond. Very judgmental group, somewhat competitive and snobby, extremely exclusive. I hung out with the ‘drama’ club crowd as well, who I found more ‘real’.

Memories: Thought Pattern:

I never got it. I never felt it. I liked them just fine but didn’t feel like crying because its so wonderful we’re friends and we’re all such lucky important group of girls, and we have to hug and touch each other alot because we’re all oh so close and loving. What a crock of shit that turned out to be. Once the ‘going got tough’ they dropped me like a ‘hot potato’ . Ha!  Because I had a problem-alcoholism- and I didn’t apologize properly to them.  I was fucking sick-its a mental and physical illness- I was not at the time capable! Anyway, I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches, I am embarrassed I was ‘one of them’. I would want nothing to do with their group/one of them would say ‘oh, she is so out, out of the group’ I thought this was mean and wrong . I did speak up but not loud enough.  I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them, in fact wish them well I, just call it like I see it and I hate the fucking phony ___’s. In fact I don’t need to hate them, they are nothing, they are not real.

Thought: I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in memories as thoughts and pictures in my mind that bring up  emotions that can harm me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by and go into an energetic reaction of guilt, anger, shame, humiliation, suspicion, hate, jealousy, resentment and fear at memories of these girls in high school when I have the thought, ‘ I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them. ‘ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: high school, basement, dance, drinking, laughing, group, clothes, party, boys, boyfriend, Lorne Park, the group, girl friends to the thought, ‘I hate the fucking hypocritical bitches. I do not trust them. ‘

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I have a memory of the Lorne Park girls and go into an energetic reaction of hate, blame, anger, resentment, I stop, I breathe. I realize it is in my control now to stop my thoughts, feelings and emotions in the moment and not be enslaved to them into infinity. I realize I was not wrong in the past about not ‘feeling’ mushy and gooey, lovey girl stuff, it was not real and I can trust myself to know who is real and what is true respect and love and what is not. I realize I was just like them, they are not so bad, I had lots good times with them and are in many ways they are ‘good’ people. I realize it is useless to blame others for my own actions, it is /was my responsibility that I had a problem and not their fault I behaved badly. I realize my focus should be on myself in each moment and not on judging another, that is not best for all. I no longer accept and allow  myself  to be living in a dream world of past memories, controlling and enslaving me for ever to re-live the past. Instead I bring myself back here, to the physical and remind myself it is all that is ever real and relevant in my world and get on with my day.

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Lorne Park girls: 2. I met another group of women from my high school when I met the man I married, as he was 5 years ahead of me from the same neighbourhood and high school. Three of these women I spent alot of time with. Overall, they were ok individually, it is the memory of the group that comes up more.   I will include some thoughts about individuals and the group in the pattern.

Thought Pattern:

Oh god, those hateful women. What a bunch of snobs, snotty bitches of the worst kind. I was not good enough, or didn’t fit in or what the fuck ever! They were right , I totally didn’t fit in. I wasn’t proficient at being fake, acting better than (not too obviously, just enough so it comes across but you can’t call the person out on it-fucking evil behavior). I did not ever and still don’t know how to be super friendly to someone and then ignore them another time-I never got that. (Actually , I would be guilty of that when I drank but not sober, sincere if not confident.) I can’t stand UI and her sister, they think they are better than me. UI is so stupid she rubbed her wealth in my face many times in many ways and I was so insecure I victimized myself by staying friends with her.

Thought/Memory:

I can’t stand those rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotions of inferiority, bitterness, jealousy, anger, resentment, spitefulness, guilt, shame, fear, hate at the thought, ‘ I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: Lorne Park, girls, women, group, friends, old, children, Glenforest, chalet, cottage, sea-do, competition, money, debt, rich, wealth, dinner party, school, high school, decorate, bake, Mercedes to the thought, ‘I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them.’

Self Corrective Statement:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of  guilt, jealousy, hatred, fear, anger, inferiority over the thought, ‘I can’t stand those  rich Lorne Park witches. I can’t believe I idolized them and put myself in a position to be hurt by them’ , I stop, I breathe. I realize I had many good times with these women over the years and that they are not so bad and in many ways ‘good’ people by our current society values, but off on certain things. I realize I valued money and was greedy just like them. I realize it is a waste of time and useless to blame another for my circumstances and mental state. I realize I am just as guilty and responsible for any interactions that took place. I realize I don’t need ‘friends’ I need myself here in every moment but company sometimes is fun and supportive. I realize I can trust myself if I feel uncomfortable with people there is a reason and I can remove myself if I feel it is best. I no longer accept and allow myself to engage in memories as thoughts and pictures in my mind bring up emotions that can harm me. I no longer accept and allow myself to waste time blaming others for the ‘past’ as ‘going over it’ again and again in my mind only results in me re-living the past as my starting point was from the past. Instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and the  moment with the breath and carry on with the task at hand and not in my head.


Memory: I was somewhere between 5 and 8 years old.  My ‘best’ girlfriend and I had, for quite some time, enjoyed rehearsing and performing for our parents various musical ‘skits’,  songs and dances. We were free and uninhibited in our expression, truly innocent and I was ‘happy’ and ‘confident’. I do not remember the event/events that occurred prior to me ‘backing out’ of these performances but I remember telling my little co-star I would not perform anymore. She was aghast and told me , like she was scolding me, ‘I’m very disappointed in you Sandy’. Well, that didn’t help. I felt a deep sense of shame by exposing my fear and weakness to her but better that than expose myself in front of our parents on stage.  It was like I became aware of me ‘alone’ on stage, whereas before that, being ‘one’ alone on stage was not even a conscious thought I had. I understand now I was not ‘separate’ from the ‘song’, the stage, the audience and me-it was one= the performance. BTW you can’t sing if you are paranoid about ‘what others think’. Interestingly, I re-visited singing and stage fright in my 30’s and 40’s with a little more success.

The thougtht: I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.

Thought Pattern: ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people.’

Note: To this day, I actually do not like nor agree with competition however, l love music, dance, singing, playing an instrument and other forms of artistic expression.  So the key-go back to the garden of Eden, throw off the damn fig leaf. But…how to find my way back? There is a way, a map…

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Self Forgiveness :  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, i”m not good enough, they will reject me’, exist as real within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought pattern , ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people’ exist within and as me as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: shame, fear, little, try, tries, fail, failure, weak, humiliation, inhibited, fool, winner, loser, competition,compete, jealous, jealousy, exposed, naked to the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’.

Realizations: I realize , as a little girl, my family did not play music or act spontaniously so this is not something-as in an expression- I was ‘used to ‘. I realize, although my parents did the best they could, my father could be harsh and use humiliation with his children to put us down/keep us in line. Although I do not remember any specific examples at this young age,  I realize I could have seen/heard him do this with one of my siblings and he was just intimidating and frightening in general so I was not in a supportive atmosphere.  I realize I have gotten over much of this inhibition but still have a way to go and I can be kind and patient with myself. I realize I love artistic expression of songwriting and singing and playing and dancing freely and the point of the art/expression has nothing to do with another person but me in the moment. I realize comparing and competition is a waste of time and I can enjoy another beings expression and if I admire something, I can be inspired by that being to learn and grow by their example. I realize if I am uncomfortabe with something I should ‘practice’ more alone until I feel confident enough to share with others present.

Self corrective statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of inhibition, at the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by the emotion of inhibition, keeping me silent, chained by fear of being a ‘fool’ and rejected by others. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from others as art as their expression. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from myself as an unlimited being who can learn and grow artistically. Instead I bring myself out of my mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions, and back ‘here’ to the physical. I remain ‘here’ aware as each breath of each moment. I refuse to participate in mind polarities of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ ‘talented’ and ‘untalented’ and I refuse to participate in this childhood thought pattern which keeps me stuck in a timeloop-forever creating my future by being in my mind with memories of the past -so actually living and reliving the past. I decide if I am ready to perform in front of others and prepare myself accordingly. I get on with the task at hand and on with my day.

Inhibition: new definition

A suppression of a certain expression due to past  punishment. A reminder to me to get out of my head of past thoughts and emotions and perfect my presentation so I am confident performing artistically.

Probably, my earliest memory is when i  was 4 or 5 years old. I sucked my thumb as a child. I was the youngest of 4 children. I remember being with my sister, outside of our home on the sidewalk and she said, ‘If you keep sucking your thumb, you’ll get buck teeth and the boys won’t like you.’ I recall being quite concerned even though I didn’t care about boys I was aware that this seemed quite important and this is something I didn’t want to occur, that it was ‘important’ to look ‘pretty’ for boys. I stopped sucking my thumb shortly after that! I could see my Dad went to work=made the money and my Mom stayed home, so perhaps even at that young age I equated ‘survival’  to ‘looking pretty’.

Thought : It is important to look pretty for boys/men. Thought pattern: Look pretty for boys. It is important. If you are not pretty you lack ‘value’ and you will be ignored. If I am not pretty ‘enough’ the man/boy will like another more and ignore me. There is a limited number of ‘appropriate’ men/boys for me to choose from. Therefore, I must ‘compete’ with the other women/girl’s for the ‘better’ men/boys. If you are ignored you will miss an opportunity to be dependent on a man who could provide financial stability, comfort and company for you. You will be alone, an ‘old maid’, and will not ‘fit into ‘ society and be an outcast. You will not be part of the ‘family system’, be homeless, childless, and die without money.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for believing the thought  ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought  ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’  exist within and as me and to believe it is real (specifically, to believe ‘pretty’ ‘ulgy’= polarites of the mind are real versus each being is just here as a physical expression of themselves, no judgement required). I realize this thought makes all other women ‘enemy’ so I am in a state of constant turmoil – controlled by my mind in an energetic state of fear- of women as they can ‘take’ from me opportunity or whom I now have as my life partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘looking pretty’ to the thought ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of fear and the emotion of anxiety to the thought, ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words competition, threat, hate, high school, clique, winner, loser, thin, fashion, divorce, war, enemy, jealous and  jealousy, to the thought ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’.

I realize this was the first of many messages I was to receive about the superficial ‘importance’ of physical appearance. There were several on T.V., adds on billboards, magazines etc.  I realize I rarely heard messages about comfort or dressing/appearace to express myself as who I am as life. I no longer accept and allow myself to connect physical appearance as ‘pretty’ to being liked/desired by men. I no longer accept and allow myself to engage in the polarity design of the mind as thoughts of ‘pretty’ and ‘ugly’, ‘desirable’ and ‘undesirable’, ‘better than’ and ‘less than’. I realize this started a pattern of competition with other women for the attention of a man. I realize I believed there were only a scarce few opportunities because of ‘time’ and number of suitable /desirable men to choose from. I realize this started a pattern of thought that I would never ‘get ‘ the best looking/most popular boy/man because I was pretty but not beautiful. I realize this started a pattern of belief that ‘appearance’ as ‘good looking’  is important to be ‘chosen’ by a partner and in ‘choosing’ a partner. I realize through this belief I focused on my and others outward appearance superficially and virtually ignored all others whom i deemed ‘not good looking’ and therefore not ‘important’.

Self Corrective Statement and Directive Action:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear and anxiety at the thought, ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’ I stop, I breath . I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed/enslaved by this fear as thoughts and emotions in my mind, instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical, to what is fact real. I realize I do not control others by how I look but in fact react to my own thoughts and emotions. I realize I am not a picture and no longer accept and allow myself to exist in this limited way. I accept and allow myself to express myself in comfortable clothing and how I want to in the moment and no longer ‘worry’ about fashion. I get out of my head and continue with the task at hand and my day.

Thought: It doesn’t matter if I write a book on self forgiveness or not, no one will read it.

Self sabotage: I have fallen on a point before I even stand, before I write one word , I have believed a thought in my mind-which has no reality unless it is given a reality by me acting on it!  And so I follow my ego, perhaps some doubt and guilt creep in, no matter, my mind has many justifications,  ‘Well, not many people would read it, not enough to make a difference’ ‘I really don’t know how to market a book on the internet anyway’ ‘i’ve never had any success selling stuff I’ve made’ ‘ what am I a sheep?  Following everything said at Desteni, it’s rediculous’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to think, ‘It doesn’t matter if i write a book on self forgiveness or not, no one will read it.’I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘It doesn’t matter if i write a book on self forgiveness or not, no one will read it.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have  the thought, ‘It doesn’t matter if i write a book on self forgiveness or not, no one will read it’ exist  within and as me as real.

Self Realizations: I realize I no longer accept and allow myself to project into the future/determine the ‘future’ from a starting point of a past memory. I realize ‘past’ experiences do not determine who and what I am in this here moment of breath. I realize I can learn how to set up a store online and market products. I realize it is a pointless waste of my time to participate in ‘worry’ about not selling something I don’t even have yet! Lol, how insane is that!  I realize a self forgiveness book is a productive use of my time as it helps me in my process ‘here’, it may help others or, if I don’t make it, through changes  that are occuring on earth, hopefully it/the book will remain to assist future generations. I realize Desteni has assisted and supported me in several ways and continues to do so , in my personal process of becoming self  as life (not self as ego) , explained my mind to me, provides  an invaluable community of  beings who have the same values as myself (never found that before in my life) and has provided me with a platform to express myself. We are one and equal, I can switch roles and play the shepard sometime.

Self corrective statement: Whenever I have the thought,  ‘It doesn’t matter if I write a book on self forgiveness or not, no one will read it’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by excuses and  justification of the mind. I realize this  thought is of the mind  I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and remain here with the breath in each moment. I realize it is impossible to share the message -solution- of self forgiveness if everyone projected into the future and assumed no one will read a SF booklet, no one will if it is not written. I carry on with my day and begin writing.

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