Posts Tagged ‘jealous’


Memory: I was somewhere between 5 and 8 years old.  My ‘best’ girlfriend and I had, for quite some time, enjoyed rehearsing and performing for our parents various musical ‘skits’,  songs and dances. We were free and uninhibited in our expression, truly innocent and I was ‘happy’ and ‘confident’. I do not remember the event/events that occurred prior to me ‘backing out’ of these performances but I remember telling my little co-star I would not perform anymore. She was aghast and told me , like she was scolding me, ‘I’m very disappointed in you Sandy’. Well, that didn’t help. I felt a deep sense of shame by exposing my fear and weakness to her but better that than expose myself in front of our parents on stage.  It was like I became aware of me ‘alone’ on stage, whereas before that, being ‘one’ alone on stage was not even a conscious thought I had. I understand now I was not ‘separate’ from the ‘song’, the stage, the audience and me-it was one= the performance. BTW you can’t sing if you are paranoid about ‘what others think’. Interestingly, I re-visited singing and stage fright in my 30’s and 40’s with a little more success.

The thougtht: I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.

Thought Pattern: ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people.’

Note: To this day, I actually do not like nor agree with competition however, l love music, dance, singing, playing an instrument and other forms of artistic expression.  So the key-go back to the garden of Eden, throw off the damn fig leaf. But…how to find my way back? There is a way, a map…

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Self Forgiveness :  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, i”m not good enough, they will reject me’, exist as real within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought pattern , ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people’ exist within and as me as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: shame, fear, little, try, tries, fail, failure, weak, humiliation, inhibited, fool, winner, loser, competition,compete, jealous, jealousy, exposed, naked to the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’.

Realizations: I realize , as a little girl, my family did not play music or act spontaniously so this is not something-as in an expression- I was ‘used to ‘. I realize, although my parents did the best they could, my father could be harsh and use humiliation with his children to put us down/keep us in line. Although I do not remember any specific examples at this young age,  I realize I could have seen/heard him do this with one of my siblings and he was just intimidating and frightening in general so I was not in a supportive atmosphere.  I realize I have gotten over much of this inhibition but still have a way to go and I can be kind and patient with myself. I realize I love artistic expression of songwriting and singing and playing and dancing freely and the point of the art/expression has nothing to do with another person but me in the moment. I realize comparing and competition is a waste of time and I can enjoy another beings expression and if I admire something, I can be inspired by that being to learn and grow by their example. I realize if I am uncomfortabe with something I should ‘practice’ more alone until I feel confident enough to share with others present.

Self corrective statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of inhibition, at the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by the emotion of inhibition, keeping me silent, chained by fear of being a ‘fool’ and rejected by others. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from others as art as their expression. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from myself as an unlimited being who can learn and grow artistically. Instead I bring myself out of my mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions, and back ‘here’ to the physical. I remain ‘here’ aware as each breath of each moment. I refuse to participate in mind polarities of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ ‘talented’ and ‘untalented’ and I refuse to participate in this childhood thought pattern which keeps me stuck in a timeloop-forever creating my future by being in my mind with memories of the past -so actually living and reliving the past. I decide if I am ready to perform in front of others and prepare myself accordingly. I get on with the task at hand and on with my day.

Inhibition: new definition

A suppression of a certain expression due to past  punishment. A reminder to me to get out of my head of past thoughts and emotions and perfect my presentation so I am confident performing artistically.

THOUGHT:  I should never have told my Dad to sell the cottage to one of his children

Trigger points

*Summer * Memories of the wedding-Muskoka theme *Muskoka-cottaging –seeing advertisements,chairs,commercials etc.

REALIZATIONS  I realize  the ‘season’ temperature outside being warm is just that-warm and does not have to relate to anything. I realize I can enjoy being outside when the temperature is warm, anywhere I happen to be at the  moment. I realize, one day –we, the beings here on earth-may be able to control the climate so one is comfortable all the time.  I realize memories and pictures, that pop up in my mind, when I think of my nephews wedding do not have to control me, that I can be the directive principal of me in the moment. I realize the company that helped my nephew with their wedding plans probably asked/suggested they ‘pick a theme ‘ to work with. I realize it is me going into/being directed by self-pity, self-abuse, self-punishment and self-victimization when I connect Spencer’s wedding with the cottage, and the day was about celebrating the union between the two beings and not me!! Lol!

I realize seeing advertisements/ items for sale/etc. for anything ‘Muskoka’ is just that –marketing to sell stuff I don’t have to let this outside image control me.

I realize , with the DIP course, I am in actual fact changing how I react to other beings, memories, images to become the self directive principal of myself ‘here’ with the breath.

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SELF CORRECTIVE STATEMENT  Whenever the summer weather, memories of Spencer’s wedding theme, or seeing/hearing Muskoka advertising,  trigger the thought,  ‘I should have never told my Dad to sell the cottage to one of his children’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by thoughts of self-pity, self-victimization  and finger pointing. Instead I realize that I am ‘here’ and using the breath I bring myself back to the physical and out of the mind. I remind myself to be grateful for all I have and get back to the task at hand, whether it be work or play.

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Type of  Thought :  REGRET

Realizations:

I realize my regret of not owning the cottage is based  in self interest/ greed & as what is best for me and my family and in fear of the future as in not having enough money to protect myself and my family and not in what is best for all, as how I want to live today as a Destonian.

I realize this regret controls me in the form of thought , emotions and deed, in ways I do not want. I realize regret exists as and within me and feeds off of my physical human body and grows and extents outward to influence my children (and others)  so the ‘sins of the father’ are passed on from one generation to another. I realize this regret is from fear and becomes anger-an angry/dangerous demon who, at any given moment, will change and become vicious and perhaps violent/ vile and will do many things to  protect me,  my world and my family and doesn’t care about the fate of others.

I realize regret is an emotion existing within my own mind-it has no reality of it’s own. I am letting something that is not real control me so I am not really participating /directing myself in an effective way within my world.

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SELF CORRECTIVE STATEMENT

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of regret when I have the thought, ‘I should never have told my Dad to sell the cottage to one of his children’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to focus on  thoughts and emotions based on self-pity about the past and fear of the future. Instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and know this is where I am effectively directing myself. I remind myself of all I am grateful for and the many ways to enjoy nature, in my current situation, on my own or with my family. I stop all forms of self-abuse and self-victimization  and get on with the task at hand. I remind myself how grateful I am to be part of the change toward an equal money , which will bring about an opportunity for all to enjoy nature and live without fear of not owning  ‘assets’ like buildings or land. The physical cannot be ‘owned’, it just is.

The thought of fear that I am working with :  ” I should have never told my father to sell the cottage to one of his children.”

Self-Forgiveness on emotion/feeling:

Fear, Regret, Jealousy, anger, sadness, frustration, hatred, guilt, inferior, stupidity

SELF FORGIVENESS STATEMENTS:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled and directed by fear of loss in regards to my sister owning the cottage. The loss of money, the loss of possible vacation opportunites and the loss of self as ‘secure’ ‘’wealthy’ . I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself for fearing the loss of ‘being wealthy’ when hundreds of thousands of human beings/children in my world are starving to death, painfully  today. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter an energetic  state of lethargy and self pity when I think there is nothing I can do about such a huge problem as people starving to death today. (just checked online; about 16,000 children a day, starve to death !!).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by this fear of loss in my life manifesting as regret, so that I am often having thoughts of regretting this past ‘mistake’ of speaking to my father, constantly having thoughts of regretting no vacation in the present and thoughts of regretting no cottage in the future, so always up in the head and not here at all being of service to my world and others in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of jealousy about  my sister owing the family cottage. To have this jealousy exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of anger about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this anger exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of sadness about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this sadness  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of frustration  about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this frustration exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest–to the point that I  am stuck/frozen in my mind of thoughts so forever destined to play out the past as it becomes my current reality and  future instead of existing here and dealing with how to ensure all beings  have a home/shelter/food and not worry about vacation properties  (but later I would, as all need to be surrounded by nature sometime).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of hatred about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this hatred  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest. This hatred goes outward to the many people/relations I have that are quite wealthy and have a home/cottage./ski chalet/vacations/much savings  etc….and they protect it viciously (as I probably would have!).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of guilt about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this guilt  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of inferiority  about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this inferiority exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of inferiority  about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this inferiority  exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by an energetic reaction of stupidity about my sister owing the family cottage. To have this feeling of stupidity exist within and as me, to let it possess and control me to the point of self pity so I cannot see the serious strife of others in my world but exist only in self interest.