Posts Tagged ‘jealousy’

I am interupting my blogs on failed relationships because I had such a strong reaction to a woman I saw in a coffee shop yesterday.  I was an aquaintance of hers years ago, our daughter’s were friedns in primary school. Point is, nothing happened, we do not say ‘hi’ to one another, doesn’t matter, it was just my reaction and explosion of backchat and emotion that I am concerned with and want expose and forgive so I can stop the pattern of reaction whenever I see a woman I know , or I don’t know, who represents rich bitch to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself into believing a picture has any power to control me, represented as a woman with expensive clothing, jewelery, etc. defining who she is as life or who I am as life, as a woman, equal to just a role/actor in a movie to be shiny and pretty as a trophy for her husband and to make other women appear less than so she and she as me, may be rewarded with positive energy in the form of feeling better than. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to judge myself as less than/inferior to the  picture of this woman who always wears high heels and has very expensive hair style, huge house, drives a mercedes benz,  and thereby say to myself that I am nothing without wealth and without engaging/indulging in the hierarchical and  patriarchical systems of abuse that currently exist in this world. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by guilt in thinking, ‘I should not judge her as a rich bitch when I really do not know her, she seemed friendly/nice enough years ago’. I realize I do not judge her as much as not trust what she advertises herself to be as in involved in materialism and competition. I am in the process of removing myself from these world systems of beauty, competition, personal wealth for self interest. I realize we are one and equal in fact as she is me and not separate from and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this woman to other woman I have known in my past thereby abusing myself with getting lost in memories in my mind which can harm me, bringing up thoughts and emotions of regret, spite, jealously about what material things I do not have (indulgences as I have all I need), trips I cannot take, shameful memories feeling less than with wealthy friends and family, comparing what I could get for /do for my young children versus what others could do for their children, and on and on desires/wants.

I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective action, to remind myself that I am not a picture, nor is any other woman, and commit to not competing with any other woman for a man’s attention/desire/money by draping myself in money as fashion, jewelery, shoes, hair style, make-up but to examine my starting point when dressing that it is not to be more than another being but for comfort and practicality and enjoyment.  

I commit myself to never again judge myself as a loser/less than/average/inferior when seeing another being who is dressed to attract attention.  I commit myself to more and more withdrawing from the money system and world systems that state I, as a woman, must dress/look a certain way to be desirable or worthy and instead express my physicality in a way that is self-honest to me in the moment, whether it be for fun or sport or comfort, etc.  

I commit myself to not judge another being by their appearance and know I am as/equally responsible for the abuse of individuals being treated as less than/inferior, the abuse of human beings within the money system, the abuse of woman as sexualized by the media within/for profiting from selling sex/goods within the current money system.

   I commit myself, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective living, to staying ‘here’ in my awareness and not getting lost in my mind by connecting a wealthy woman in a coffee shop to memories, bringing up pictures in my mind, judgements/opinions, emotions of anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, regret, hatred, spitefulness, and continual thoughts.

I commit myself , when I see someone from my past who is a woman who is wealthy and physically adorning herself, to stop and breathe and simply say hello (whatever is appropriate) and to not judge her by the past and realize the truth that we are in fact one and equal and be an example of that.   Image

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Memory: I was somewhere between 5 and 8 years old.  My ‘best’ girlfriend and I had, for quite some time, enjoyed rehearsing and performing for our parents various musical ‘skits’,  songs and dances. We were free and uninhibited in our expression, truly innocent and I was ‘happy’ and ‘confident’. I do not remember the event/events that occurred prior to me ‘backing out’ of these performances but I remember telling my little co-star I would not perform anymore. She was aghast and told me , like she was scolding me, ‘I’m very disappointed in you Sandy’. Well, that didn’t help. I felt a deep sense of shame by exposing my fear and weakness to her but better that than expose myself in front of our parents on stage.  It was like I became aware of me ‘alone’ on stage, whereas before that, being ‘one’ alone on stage was not even a conscious thought I had. I understand now I was not ‘separate’ from the ‘song’, the stage, the audience and me-it was one= the performance. BTW you can’t sing if you are paranoid about ‘what others think’. Interestingly, I re-visited singing and stage fright in my 30’s and 40’s with a little more success.

The thougtht: I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.

Thought Pattern: ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people.’

Note: To this day, I actually do not like nor agree with competition however, l love music, dance, singing, playing an instrument and other forms of artistic expression.  So the key-go back to the garden of Eden, throw off the damn fig leaf. But…how to find my way back? There is a way, a map…

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Self Forgiveness :  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me.’ I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘I’m afraid to perform in front of others, i”m not good enough, they will reject me’, exist as real within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought pattern , ‘I can’t perform in front of others. I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me/make fun of me, I’m terrified of ‘others’ finding out I’m mediocre,see- she’s better, better not to ‘try’, she thinks she so great, I hate the fuckin bitch, she wants to be best/better, I hate competition and everyone involved, I’m above competition so I don’t have to perform=expose myself, I’m better than these superficial people’ exist within and as me as real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: shame, fear, little, try, tries, fail, failure, weak, humiliation, inhibited, fool, winner, loser, competition,compete, jealous, jealousy, exposed, naked to the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’.

Realizations: I realize , as a little girl, my family did not play music or act spontaniously so this is not something-as in an expression- I was ‘used to ‘. I realize, although my parents did the best they could, my father could be harsh and use humiliation with his children to put us down/keep us in line. Although I do not remember any specific examples at this young age,  I realize I could have seen/heard him do this with one of my siblings and he was just intimidating and frightening in general so I was not in a supportive atmosphere.  I realize I have gotten over much of this inhibition but still have a way to go and I can be kind and patient with myself. I realize I love artistic expression of songwriting and singing and playing and dancing freely and the point of the art/expression has nothing to do with another person but me in the moment. I realize comparing and competition is a waste of time and I can enjoy another beings expression and if I admire something, I can be inspired by that being to learn and grow by their example. I realize if I am uncomfortabe with something I should ‘practice’ more alone until I feel confident enough to share with others present.

Self corrective statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of inhibition, at the thought,  ‘I’m afraid to  perform in front of others, I’m not good enough, they will reject me’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by the emotion of inhibition, keeping me silent, chained by fear of being a ‘fool’ and rejected by others. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from others as art as their expression. I no longer accept and allow myself to separate myself from myself as an unlimited being who can learn and grow artistically. Instead I bring myself out of my mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions, and back ‘here’ to the physical. I remain ‘here’ aware as each breath of each moment. I refuse to participate in mind polarities of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ ‘talented’ and ‘untalented’ and I refuse to participate in this childhood thought pattern which keeps me stuck in a timeloop-forever creating my future by being in my mind with memories of the past -so actually living and reliving the past. I decide if I am ready to perform in front of others and prepare myself accordingly. I get on with the task at hand and on with my day.

Inhibition: new definition

A suppression of a certain expression due to past  punishment. A reminder to me to get out of my head of past thoughts and emotions and perfect my presentation so I am confident performing artistically.

Probably, my earliest memory is when i  was 4 or 5 years old. I sucked my thumb as a child. I was the youngest of 4 children. I remember being with my sister, outside of our home on the sidewalk and she said, ‘If you keep sucking your thumb, you’ll get buck teeth and the boys won’t like you.’ I recall being quite concerned even though I didn’t care about boys I was aware that this seemed quite important and this is something I didn’t want to occur, that it was ‘important’ to look ‘pretty’ for boys. I stopped sucking my thumb shortly after that! I could see my Dad went to work=made the money and my Mom stayed home, so perhaps even at that young age I equated ‘survival’  to ‘looking pretty’.

Thought : It is important to look pretty for boys/men. Thought pattern: Look pretty for boys. It is important. If you are not pretty you lack ‘value’ and you will be ignored. If I am not pretty ‘enough’ the man/boy will like another more and ignore me. There is a limited number of ‘appropriate’ men/boys for me to choose from. Therefore, I must ‘compete’ with the other women/girl’s for the ‘better’ men/boys. If you are ignored you will miss an opportunity to be dependent on a man who could provide financial stability, comfort and company for you. You will be alone, an ‘old maid’, and will not ‘fit into ‘ society and be an outcast. You will not be part of the ‘family system’, be homeless, childless, and die without money.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for believing the thought  ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought  ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’  exist within and as me and to believe it is real (specifically, to believe ‘pretty’ ‘ulgy’= polarites of the mind are real versus each being is just here as a physical expression of themselves, no judgement required). I realize this thought makes all other women ‘enemy’ so I am in a state of constant turmoil – controlled by my mind in an energetic state of fear- of women as they can ‘take’ from me opportunity or whom I now have as my life partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘looking pretty’ to the thought ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of fear and the emotion of anxiety to the thought, ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words competition, threat, hate, high school, clique, winner, loser, thin, fashion, divorce, war, enemy, jealous and  jealousy, to the thought ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’.

I realize this was the first of many messages I was to receive about the superficial ‘importance’ of physical appearance. There were several on T.V., adds on billboards, magazines etc.  I realize I rarely heard messages about comfort or dressing/appearace to express myself as who I am as life. I no longer accept and allow myself to connect physical appearance as ‘pretty’ to being liked/desired by men. I no longer accept and allow myself to engage in the polarity design of the mind as thoughts of ‘pretty’ and ‘ugly’, ‘desirable’ and ‘undesirable’, ‘better than’ and ‘less than’. I realize this started a pattern of competition with other women for the attention of a man. I realize I believed there were only a scarce few opportunities because of ‘time’ and number of suitable /desirable men to choose from. I realize this started a pattern of thought that I would never ‘get ‘ the best looking/most popular boy/man because I was pretty but not beautiful. I realize this started a pattern of belief that ‘appearance’ as ‘good looking’  is important to be ‘chosen’ by a partner and in ‘choosing’ a partner. I realize through this belief I focused on my and others outward appearance superficially and virtually ignored all others whom i deemed ‘not good looking’ and therefore not ‘important’.

Self Corrective Statement and Directive Action:

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear and anxiety at the thought, ‘If I am not pretty boys will not like me/desire me/choose me as a life partner’ I stop, I breath . I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed/enslaved by this fear as thoughts and emotions in my mind, instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical, to what is fact real. I realize I do not control others by how I look but in fact react to my own thoughts and emotions. I realize I am not a picture and no longer accept and allow myself to exist in this limited way. I accept and allow myself to express myself in comfortable clothing and how I want to in the moment and no longer ‘worry’ about fashion. I get out of my head and continue with the task at hand and my day.

THOUGHT:  I should never have told my Dad to sell the cottage to one of his children

Trigger points

*Summer * Memories of the wedding-Muskoka theme *Muskoka-cottaging –seeing advertisements,chairs,commercials etc.

REALIZATIONS  I realize  the ‘season’ temperature outside being warm is just that-warm and does not have to relate to anything. I realize I can enjoy being outside when the temperature is warm, anywhere I happen to be at the  moment. I realize, one day –we, the beings here on earth-may be able to control the climate so one is comfortable all the time.  I realize memories and pictures, that pop up in my mind, when I think of my nephews wedding do not have to control me, that I can be the directive principal of me in the moment. I realize the company that helped my nephew with their wedding plans probably asked/suggested they ‘pick a theme ‘ to work with. I realize it is me going into/being directed by self-pity, self-abuse, self-punishment and self-victimization when I connect Spencer’s wedding with the cottage, and the day was about celebrating the union between the two beings and not me!! Lol!

I realize seeing advertisements/ items for sale/etc. for anything ‘Muskoka’ is just that –marketing to sell stuff I don’t have to let this outside image control me.

I realize , with the DIP course, I am in actual fact changing how I react to other beings, memories, images to become the self directive principal of myself ‘here’ with the breath.

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SELF CORRECTIVE STATEMENT  Whenever the summer weather, memories of Spencer’s wedding theme, or seeing/hearing Muskoka advertising,  trigger the thought,  ‘I should have never told my Dad to sell the cottage to one of his children’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by thoughts of self-pity, self-victimization  and finger pointing. Instead I realize that I am ‘here’ and using the breath I bring myself back to the physical and out of the mind. I remind myself to be grateful for all I have and get back to the task at hand, whether it be work or play.

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Type of  Thought :  REGRET

Realizations:

I realize my regret of not owning the cottage is based  in self interest/ greed & as what is best for me and my family and in fear of the future as in not having enough money to protect myself and my family and not in what is best for all, as how I want to live today as a Destonian.

I realize this regret controls me in the form of thought , emotions and deed, in ways I do not want. I realize regret exists as and within me and feeds off of my physical human body and grows and extents outward to influence my children (and others)  so the ‘sins of the father’ are passed on from one generation to another. I realize this regret is from fear and becomes anger-an angry/dangerous demon who, at any given moment, will change and become vicious and perhaps violent/ vile and will do many things to  protect me,  my world and my family and doesn’t care about the fate of others.

I realize regret is an emotion existing within my own mind-it has no reality of it’s own. I am letting something that is not real control me so I am not really participating /directing myself in an effective way within my world.

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SELF CORRECTIVE STATEMENT

Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of regret when I have the thought, ‘I should never have told my Dad to sell the cottage to one of his children’, I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to focus on  thoughts and emotions based on self-pity about the past and fear of the future. Instead I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and know this is where I am effectively directing myself. I remind myself of all I am grateful for and the many ways to enjoy nature, in my current situation, on my own or with my family. I stop all forms of self-abuse and self-victimization  and get on with the task at hand. I remind myself how grateful I am to be part of the change toward an equal money , which will bring about an opportunity for all to enjoy nature and live without fear of not owning  ‘assets’ like buildings or land. The physical cannot be ‘owned’, it just is.

I had a quantum self realization occur in a dream last week. It was quite significant for me. I believe it is a direct result of being involved with Desteni  and taking the Desteni I Process course.
I have always been a very jealous , insecure, possessive person when involved in a ‘romantic’ relationship. This has plagued me greatly over my lifetime. I have agonized over this point for probably 30 years, seen shrinks, used substances to numb my feelings, gone on the gerbal wheel in my mind for hours at a time. Although it had subsided somewhat with some experience, picking a more appropriate partner, it was still ‘there’.
The dream was quite short and to the point but VERY powerful. Simply, in the dream, my husband was quite ‘taken’ by a younger, beautiful, fascinating and talented woman (hard to describe how I would ‘know’ this in a dream but you know how are dreams are-so somehow I ‘got’ this , that this was some extraordinary woman). I had that horrible , gut wrenching, all too familiar feeling of terror, threat overcome me and then, quite simply, a thought came to me , ‘Oh, I have me!”.  That was it , just one thought, that I was enough.
I could not control anyone else, ‘my man’ or anyone whom he came in contact with-and that was the point I could not come to terms with, in my life-how can I be/live at peace when I do not have control. I could see, over the years, that being jealous of other women and living in fear of abandonment was useless and a simply unacceptable way to live but I couldn’t control it so how does one cope with this? When that thought came to me in the dream, it was absolute! Nothing else needed. Very cool indeed!
In my course, I am learning that, I in fact, have everything I need already, as I exist ‘here’ in this moment of breath. Now I walk this realization, not only each day but in each moment. There is nothing we have to ‘wait’ for, no bullshit ascension process to attain or climb, all we are exists already-here!
We are in the process of bringing heaven to earth, we are in the process of birthing ones self in the physical, as life. And we are in the process of bringing equality to earth through an equal money system. Please, check out Desteni.co.za for yourself and join us!