Posts Tagged ‘pain’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree to the cycles of birth and death whereby I create new beings and enslave myself and them, to the worlds systems  and to the suppression of ourselves as expressions of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to marry and have children so as to keep busy by adding to the mind consciousnesses systems of the family and money, creating new life to feed into this system of supposed economic growth which is deleting planet earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree to forget that I am being recycled into infinity, never remembering who I was in a past life and thereby never being part of the solution here on earth to our destructive, selfish, `human`nature, letting millions suffer because I am only to be concerned with the well being of myself and my little unit=family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a reproductive unit and not life and be concerned with marrying and having children and not even getting to know who and what I am as life and having almost no time (or money) to explore my unlimited true nature as life, only being obsessed with how my hair, makeup, clothing look to attract a mate, believing I have to ‘look a certain way’ to be worthy/deserving of another’s companionship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree to a system of menstration, in which I bleed and suffer horrible cramping , each and every month since I was 13 years old, getting blood all over my clothing and bedding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now endure the system of men-o-pause in which I am shutting down the reproductive part of my body, as if I am now expendable and not valued as life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to endure horrid hot flashes=night and day, sweats that make it impossible to get a good rest at night and making me tired and less productive or  able to enjoy my days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through this process of menopause and not be able to enjoy and make good use of time, now that my children are independent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice changes in my physical body; wrinkles, sagging skin on my legs, greying hair indicating I am on my way out/dying slowly but surely and to spend time fussing and covering up my physicality instead of being life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  be possessed with thoughts, directed by fear, that I am expendable, diminishing,  busy aging and dying and not living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by defeat, helplessness, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, shame, regret in thinking I shouldn’t bother writing music, it’s too late for me, I better shut up so I don’t piss my husband off, I need his money to survive, I better not piss off my children, I may want or need their company or assistance in the future as I age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear in thinking I am getting ugly and old and old people are shut away because it’s depressing to look at death in the face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and anxiety in thinking I should have plastic surgery, exercise, loose weight, color my hair, dress fashionable, so I am still valuable to my husband, as he will still want me for sex, or if he dumps me I still need to seduce another man so I better not ‘let myself go’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as old/older and continually comparing and compartmentalizing myself and others in accordance to age.

Realizations:  I realize I can be patient with myself as I learn and understand what I have agreed to and from this point on, participate in a new agreement with existence.

Self-Corrective Application:  I no longer accept and allow myself to suffocate my creativity and movement as me in each moment.   I no longer accept and allow a society/world that values youth only and it is acceptable for someone who is ‘young’ to be supported to grow and create but not an older person because of an assigned number which represents time accumulating in this world. I no longer accept and allow myself to think it is ok for a being to suffer and diminish in their physicality in this world but am in a process of investigation and discovery how we can come and go here in each moment of breath and not be slave to the construct of time and the mind of fear of death.

Whenever I am directed by fear, through the mind’s design of ego, that I am limited in anyway, but specifically in relation to living one and equal to my human physical body unconditionally (understanding it is a process I am in) I stop, I breathe. I remind myself again to be patient in my process of remaining here in each moment of breath and I bring myself out of my mind of polarities and alternate realities and back to what is real in the physical. I remind myself to be grateful for my day and get on with the task at hand.

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Some memories of my childhood, specifically  in relation to  my father ‘picking on’, humiliating, his 4 children.  Lets heal this ! Of course this  includes my father, who I love.

I remember hiding in my room, listening at the door to my Dad yell at my brother, I believe my Dad was  drinking (most of these incidents occurred when he was intoxicated-not an excuse but important to note how alcohol can bring out the ‘evil’ side of a human being! Best to face this sober and get rid of these inner demons for good!). He often ‘helped ‘ my brother with his homework this way, yelling at him, putting him down, belittling him about being stupid and a failure if he didn’t ‘get it right’ and ‘get it right-right now’!  I felt terror, I felt my brothers pains, his shame and I internalized it, just as he did.

Another incident my Dad was picking on me when I was in grade nine, he generally left me alone when I was younger, had  3 others to attack and that’s why I hid and I hid well. So when my oldest brother and sister had left-escaped-he noticed me and I became a target. ‘She blackens her eyes so you don’t notice her big nose’ . Not a good thing to say to a 14 year old girl! I obsessed my looks more and more for years, I was convinced I was basically ugly unless I really ‘tried’=lot of make-up. So sad. “Don’t you know how to chop vegtables, didn’t your mother show you?” he’d yell in a harsh, accusatory voice and then no matter how you tried he would put down your efforts and make you feel completely stupid, a useless failure and I hated him for it …then the guilt, ‘oh god, I hate my father, I can’t hate him, it’s not allowed, he must be right, blah blah…’  Then his guilt/remorse would kick in and he’d be super nice for the next few days. There would be gifts of money, goodies, a little kind attention !  So there was a strange confusion/uncertainly within self and within the home. I would tell myself (unconsciously) “.. remember , you cannot trust his kindness because experience has shown you it does not last–when your guard is down – WHAM he gets you! Damn, I wasn’t going to put myself in that situation ie. be home at 4pm on a day he is home early  so be a possible target-ever again. I would blame myself , enough said, it is a horrible way to live for the perpetrator and the victim. It is dispicable to treat a child this way , he may as well have smashed in my face, at least the pain/abuse would have been visable. No excuses, no holding back, it just plain destroyed me. I didn’t have a chance.

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thought: I’m ugly and stupid.

Self forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I’m ugly and stupid’ . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’ to exist within and as me.

Self forgiveness on connection to words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words dad, father, alcohol, drunk, plain, incompetent, afternoon, boyfriend, vegtables, nose, make-up, chop, new and learn to the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of self doubt and shame at the thought, ‘I am ugly and stupid’, I stop, I breath.  I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by emotions of fear of failure and shame from the past.   Instead I remind myself I am in the process of birthing myself as life in the physical and it takes time so I remind myself to be patient and kind to myself. I realize my father was very ‘sorry’ as he got older and did the best he could at the time with me and all his children. I realize he would have ‘done things differently’ and taken back all the pain he caused to his children if he could. I bring myself back ‘here’ to the physical and out of my mind and get on with my day and the task at hand.

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Thought: I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.

Self forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.’

Self Forgiveness on Connection to Words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words humiliate, fear, hate, shame, insignificant, small, jail, little, helpless, woman, girl, slave, hopeless, suppressed, bedroom, inferior, harmed, punish, punishment and weak to the thought, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear in relation to the thought, ‘I hate my father but I have to keep silent and do as he says or I could be harmed’ I stop, I breath. I no longer accept and allow myself to be silenced and  directed by and as this fear of loss of safety. I realize I am not this fear and that I am in fact safe ‘here’ in this moment and that this emotion exists only in my mind as memory of past experience.  Instead I bring myself out of my mind and back to the physical so as not to have the past, as suppression, as a starting point of this ‘here’ moment. I realize I am learning how to express myself in self honesty and self trust. I trust myself to continue with my day.

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Thought: I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘ I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.’

Self Forgiveness on Connection to Words: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words money, homeless, sex, slave, home, children, abandon, alone, helpless, shame, shut-up, stupid, careful, men, beauty, sexy, aging, ugly, prison, hopeless, quiet, fix, silent and mistake to the thought, ‘I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse.’

Self Corrective Statement: Whenever I have the thought,  ‘I have to keep men ‘happy’ or they will punish me with physical or mental abuse’ and I go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss, of physical necessities and company, I stop, I breath. I realize I am responsible for my own security and ‘well being’. I realize I am in a process of changing and understand me and it will take time and remind myself to be patient. I no longer accept and allow myself to remain ‘victim’ of past thought patterns.   Instead I bring myself out of my ‘head’ the back to what is real, what is here in my physical reality no longer punish myself by repeating the pattern of helpless victim, creating a timeloop in which my now moment is a starting point of a past moment, thereby creating a future from the past. I trust myself remain ‘here’ with the breath and attend to the situation that is concerning me, in a practical way, that places responsibility for myself on myself and not blaming another.

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Thought: I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.

Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.

Self Forgiveness on connection to words:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words afraid, helpless, hopeless, Dad, brother, rescue, hate, pain, mean, wrong, stupid, homework, learn, protect, hierarchy, rule, king, ruler, control, lack and power, to the thought,  ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power.’

Self Corrective Statement:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of fear of loss of control, at the thought, ‘I want to protect my brother but I can’t because I’m too weak, I lack power’, I stop, I breath. I realize I have, in that moment, gone into my mind of past ‘experiences’ and I immediately bring myself back ‘here’ to this physical moment. I no longer accept and allow myself to be directed by this fear, as I now understand that this ‘power’ / ‘control’ I once perceived to be real, does not exist. I realize all that exist is me, as life as one and equal to all physicality in my world. Instead I remind myself true power is ‘know thyself’ but knowing is not enough, one must walk this knowing in each breath. So I trust myself and I continue with whatever needs to be done, to ensure my and the others safety and security.

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