Posts Tagged ‘(self forgiveness)’

I realized when doing muscle communication, part of my *Dip course, I have a huge resentment toward my husband. A few mornings ago I, not only reacted but over-reacted to the simple act of him turning off some lights,  first thing in the morning. Just recently I have been getting up first, now I am no longer taking any sleep medication I require much less sleep (awesome!).

When my husband, Alex gets up at 7am it is just getting light out so I still have the lights on and I am usually sitting at my computer.  He turned off the hall light upstairs and then came downstairs and turned off the dining room light, without asking me. I went ballistic. My justification was that, since I work at home, it was like he was in my office and how dare he make a decision that affected my ability to do my work.

I felt guilty about my over-reaction. I also brought into the ‘fight’ that he and his daughter are inconsiderate by leaving their personal belongings all over the house, not cleaning up the kitchen after themselves, etc.

I googled the difference between anger and resentment. I seems that anger is experienced in the moment-for the event that is occurring and resentment runs deeper as an emotion of anger built up over time for issues one has not dealt with let alone resolved.

What I then realized is that I am resentful towards him for not being open to moving and not being open to getting a loan so we can finish our renovations, which inhibits our ability to act should we decide to move.

We are so broke all the time, as our mortgage is large and the property tax is large as well as the bills to run the home (it is not a large home but not small either). So he is constantly turning down the heat, turning off lights etc. to reduce expenses. Although I agree with this strategy, I feel he goes to extremes about it and I want to be comfortable with small things in my home.

I believe we can live quite fine in a condo or smaller home. As well I worry that interest rates in Canada will rise (the government is warning the public this could happen at any time now) and as a consequence the housing market will crash and we will lose the equity we have in our home and end up owing more than we have, for example the value of the home drops to 100 and we owe 200. Therefore, we will not have any equity/money left to purchase a new home or even afford an apartment.

Whereas, if we moved now we would have a good sum to purchase a smaller property, even be mortgage free and thus reduce the financial stress in our lives and have money to assist our children with university, I could save to go to the Desteni Farm, he could go on a golf trip, whatever, not be cash strapped!

Thought: I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting.

Realizations: I realize Alex is doing his best to get along with me and ‘save’ our home. I realize he believes the market will subside/adjust somewhat and then slowly increase over time as we live in a ‘desirable’ location and the economy rises and falls and it will continue to do so as it did with our parents generation. I realize he thinks I adhere to some doomsday prophecy which he believes is unrealistic and I should not ‘worry’.  I realize it is my responsibility to address thoughts, feelings and emotions that come up inside of me and to communicate this calmly to another being when appropriate and not in reaction. I realize Alex loves and respects me and does intend the best for all of us as a family. I realize both he and Campbell have improved in picking up after themselves.

Acceptances & Allowances: I no longer accept and allow myself to react in anger and resentment towards Alex when he does things in the home to save money, we discuss bills, I bring up the option of moving, we are stressed before ‘payday’, the kids need money, we talk about our renovation.

Self Forgiveness:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of each and every movement within me so as to be responsible for my thoughts, feelings and emotions and not blame Alex for what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Alex as wrong and me as right, within the mind consciousness’s design of polarity thinking instead of focusing on myself and the issue so we can find a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm myself by carrying issues within my human physical body by keeping silent in the moment when an issue arises, thereby creating resentment within and as me and unleashing this resentment toward someone I love and respect and causing them suffering.

Self-Corrective Application:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of resentment toward the thought, ‘I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting’ I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow energy as a reaction inside of me to go unnoticed and not addressed. I remind myself it is all about money (which is not even real) and we are both working and life is very expensive. I remind myself Alex is my companion whom I appreciate as he offers me endless support and company. I bring myself back to the physical and out of my mind of thought, to what is in fact real and continue breathing with awareness of each breath here. I get on with my day.

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Whether it be music playing  in head , lryics/poetry coming to you ‘out of the blue’, dreams, inspiration, imagination, voices speaking to you during sleep-like a powerful message, or when you first wake up; bad news people, it’s all deception. It is not some ‘special’ message from god, a higher being/intelligence, the universe, angels, a dead relative/friend/famous person, higher power, Jesus or any other deity.

It is your own mind! I know it’s ‘sad’ we are alone, I repeat it is your own mind, from your subconscious/unconscious. All of this really just gives you the run around, keeps you dependent on hope and not fully here in the physical, keeps you busy running, running on faith, hope, prayer.

Does it ever assist you in any practical way that is significant enough to change your life or the world? Well, that’s the tricky part because the answer is , sometimes! The other times we religious/spiritual faithfuls explain it away with ‘oh, it wasn’t time for me to get that’ ‘I obviously have to learn a lesson from not receiving this’ ‘I trust god/universe/ in the blank that it will come in time’ ‘I’m not in charge, I just hand it over and let god/universe etc. take the wheel’ and on and on.

What kind of loving force would not want you to be in charge, have control over your physical reality, your own destiny and remain helpless here? What kind of a ‘lesson’ does a child born into extreme poverty and starvation learn, if that is what you believe in?  Hey, even if you are financially loaded you will still age and crumble/decay and die so your ‘power’ of money is ultimately an illusion, nonetheless a helpful and necessary one.

I believed that a ‘higher’ more knowing force was communicating to me for years and I know several people who believe this, in some form or another, as well. It is widely accepted in the ‘spiritual’ wave of the last 15 or so years. Why it is considered less drastic and more ‘real’ or loving to worship the universe than a god, I have no idea? It all results in the same thing; you being controlled and you abdicating your responsibility for the mess of this world, here in this moment and each moment after!

Even now, that I understand it is my mind speaking to me, it pulls me in , for awhile, into  ideas, sweet promises of fame and fortune using my ego to lure me. Yes, into the world of thoughts dreams, hopes, fears (note: all the mind and not real) and away from self realization as who I really am as life, one and equal, on planet earth. So many of us spiritual ones have forgotten what is real; you with your feet on the ground, your eyes open, walking, moving…this is life and this is how things happen here! This is how we will truly effect change in our world.

For years, after I begged god for help when my husband left me and kids penniless, I received music in my mind and figured it was a sign and I was ‘suppose’ to write music and I wasted my time and life on ‘following the guidance of a higher power’. Note, I still love to write, play and sing, music is enjoyable to create and play and share! But it won’t change the world or it would have already.

The thing that fucks with you is sometimes your mind-higher force/god-is right!

OMG, I have accessed the almighty universal force, the secret OR OMG I am one of god’s special chosen ones, OR OMG I am psychic OR OMG I am given great lyrics,I’ll be rich and famous OR OMG I know where the roulette ball will land…so now life will be easy with this magic, psychic force, ability I have to foresee/predict the future (I could often) I will be able to earn a great income for my family and enjoy life! Right?

Wrong, the thing is, this ability/information is right sometimes and sometimes only.

So what good is it. Zero, I tried every which way in the book. Please don’t suggest it was because I ‘used god’s/universe’s gift wrong’. I did nothing but good 99% of the time, benevolent, charitable etc.

One good thing that came from following my higher power=my mind was I learned a lot, unwittingly, about the mind!

The main thing I learned was YOUR MIND WILL GO WHERE YOU LEAD IT or you can let it lead you. Very flexible that god/higher power is. If I think I want to be a nun the mind will go there, if I think I want to be a prostitute, cool says the mind, sell drugs to make quick easy money, ok, write music for charity and save the world, yes that’s cool too, to god/the mind, it will switch /change course with you (I realize not immediately but after a few warning nightmare’s or whatever). Not to overstate it, but if I say to myself/think about murder THE MIND WILL EVENTUALLY SUPPORT ME.  See a problem here?

You do not have to be faithful/loyal to something that is so flippant, dare I say insane?!

Conversely, if I let the mind lead, usually when  I was very fearful (like please ‘god’ tell me /show me the path), it would lead me to the world systems of survival always. To career, marriage, children, the whole story, being a ‘sexy’ woman to keep a man happy. But also bit of a loser never really building a life of stability, tranquility but plagued with self doubt/low esteem. That was my story, the story of Sandy, born….died…

WHF?

So what is the mind? Please investigate:  Desteni.Org and DesteniIProcess.com

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Why even talk about this? Isn’t anything private anymore?

Well, the thing is, we are all here. If we are honest and take an assessment of our world, we see much sexual dysfunction, violence, abduction even, all around sex. Yes folks, you don’t need to die to go to hell anymore, its right here on planet earth in 2012!

Why is the world like this ? How did this happen?

So what, you ask? What does that have to do with masturbation, it is my ‘right’, it is my body, I can think what I want to ,I am not hurting anyone.

In this fascinating account, which is the free 30 minute introduction of a series of audios on masturbation, it is explained how our masturbation-how it is currently practiced by human beings- becomes a mind possession through the participation of images in our minds, our fantasies. These fantasies become an energetic addiction that ‘grow’ become more extreme to feed upon itself to satisfy the desire.  It goes on from there.

It is, indeed, not harmless to you or others. We are all connected, as we are all here.

Be good to yourself, free yourself, learn to pleasure yourself without giving up intimacy with another…and so much more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYUatzmcyDY&feature=youtu.be

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I bought and read many spiritual ‘self help’ books over the last 20 years. Probably 30-40 books. There is no doubt they provided a band-aid, some temporary relief to a confused, ‘searching’ woman needing some meaning for her existence. There was never anything I read that brought clarity to who or what I was or why I was alive, the meaning of my life or life in it’s entirety.

‘The Power of Intention’ *1 by Wayne Dyer, was one such book. I don’t have anything personally against the author, in fact I believe he is probably sincere, misguided and ineffective (except for his own personal financial gain) but sincere. I am just as guilty of ‘wanting’ that manifestation of wealth for self interested reasons and greed as anyone is. I bought it hook, line and sinker, didn’t materialize for me though. I am now walking a self corrective process at Desteni, which will result in self purification and self perfection, one breath at a time, so as to never live in self interest again but to consider and act in accordance to what is best for all life in all ways. I believe Mr. Dyer would admit, if put to the wall, he knew, for the vast majority, it would not be successful but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he would want it to ‘work’ for his readers/followers.

I was going to look for passages I had highlighted but just looking at the chapter titles is enough to discuss here why I now believe this book provides no useful purpose to the life of human beings.

chapter 7: It is my Intention to: Respect Myself at all Times.

In itself, this statement is not incorrect as a preferred way to live. Respect is actually more real and powerful than the idea of love. It is paramount in a compassionate society and in any relationship, be it with yourself or another. However, without even going into what Dyer writes within the chapter itself, he is forgetting and /or ignoring one tinsy, winsy fact; the millions of human beings who cannot even get enough food to eat today let alone go to a bookstore and purchase his book. So where does he get off posing as some spiritual leader, someone we are to look to for guidance to show us/be a role model for a ‘decent’ human being.  As far as I can see he is a muti-millionaire who writes about ideas, basically positive thinking books, while he ignores the suffering of the world’s poor and disadvantaged.

How is someone born into poverty (with no advantages to take practical steps to get out of that poverty) even to begin to fathom that statement. Many people do not have the opportunity to attend school, receive proper healthcare, nutrition, housing-these are just the basics one needs to survive let alone be concerned with respecting themselves. Actually, it is understood by most people, that one deserves respect automatically as life. But time and experience in this world proves to them otherwise. They do not receive respect, one and equal to the author, as a fellow human being. They are ignored and left to suffer and then die, unnoticed by the ‘haves’.

Chapter 11: It is My Intention to: Live a Stress-Free, Tranquil Life.

Really? And is this accomplished by ‘manifesting’ money and all the goodies life has to offer by meditation, prayer, positive thinking…hmmm…business smarts, a business aptitude, the right connections, the right education, the right family, money to get things started/moving? Yup, all of the above and only a few ‘lucky’ ones make it at that.

It is never my intention to become so smart mouthed when writing these blogs but honestly, I just get so pissed off! Does Mr. Dyer assume that some in this world are ‘special’ , ‘blessed’, ‘fortunate’ and others…well…just not. So it is the responsibility of the ‘blessed’ ones to spread the love and light message and ‘give generously to charity’. How has this helped the world? It has not. Again, the idea of living a stress free and tranquil life is desirable but I do not see any results that his methods are working but for a few and more importantly, at the expense of the many. Earth is increasingly polarized  between the rich and poor. Pretty hard to be tranquil when you are experiencing famine, watching your children wither away before your eyes and you are helpless to save them. Pretty hard to be stress free-or have the time to meditate on this idea-when you are facing eviction and you have lost your job and have a family to care for.

For humanity to live stress free and tranquil then all must be given all they need. However, perhaps I am off track, he does not speak about humanity, just the individual, self interest. Never is ‘what is best for all’ mentioned.

Chapter 10: It is my Intention to :Feel Successful and Attract Abundance into My Life.

Ah yes, there it is, the use of the almighty god of Energy! Specifically, this energy generation is designed to attract the real god of the human being-Money.

It’s just too ridiculous to go into detail but again how can one even start this process (I do get it- it’s a ‘fake it ’till ya make it’ approach as in; that’s what the universe wants/needs you to do, visualize etc, in order over time to ‘manifest’ your greedy desires) if one does not have the time or comfortable surrounding/home/bed/food ? It is not practical, it is not fair , it is not equal. Mr. Dyer, why do you ‘preach’ practices that people do not have equal access to? How does this assist and support human beings to solve any of the world’s very real and pressing problems? ‘Oh, it’s up to the universe, not I, I am a humble servant only’, is the kind of excuse you hear thrown out there.

So what’s the universe to do, pick and choose? No, my friend, it is us human beings, you and I, who are guilty of picking and choosing. The universe is neutral, as in ‘we are all one’. It is time for us to join the universe, in fact-for real, and not in some airy fairy way based on ‘feelings of love’ in your mind but walking breath by breath, with your feet firmly planted on mother earth and fix this bloody mess, in the physical!

Feed one another, clothe one another, heal one another, house one another = real love one another.

A teacher who walked this earth once said; ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’,  I do not see this in action in this book.

I see, get incredibly rich off your fellow man, and help but 1% of your readers get incredibly rich too. Fuck the rest, I don’t see them, I don’t know them, I won’t think about them. I’ll meditate on ideas of bliss and beauty, love and light and create/manifest that- off your buck- in my own life, for my own family and let, nameless and faceless millions, starve, suffer, commit suicide, die. Why? Because one gets blinded by too much light. Time to go into the dark and dirty, get down and dirty and clean this shit up.

Hey…First Things First. Equal Money for all, so all may live a dignified, enjoyable life, not just some! Let’s stop being hypocrites.

Join us in building a new world, in which all can participate fully, over time, to create the ideals this book suggests.

Please investigate:        EqualMoney.Org          DesteniIProcess.Com              Desteni.Org

*1  The Power of Intention, By Wayne Dyer

Published By: Hay House Inc. February 2004, United States

What happens to children when they pass over from this physical dimension of earth? Why are they protected?

He did not embrace heaven, why?

What part are they playing in existence as a whole?

This is a fascinating account of a young boy who died of cancer at the age of 7, what he found on the other side and his understanding of what is going on in (what was) heaven and earth. He did find stability with other children that had passed.

Then something happened!

It was something ‘…we’ve all been waiting for…I knew, in a way, everything would be ok….’

‘The answer… to ourselves, to the return to ourselves…’

Enjoy this amazing story! http://youtu.be/yCFO2J4Ii7M

I was  a big Tolle fan, although not sure why as reading his books did not change me (made me feel warm and fuzzy/’safe’ for a while) or the world in any significant way as far as I can see. Interesting, we will need another ‘spiritual guru’ to come along in a few more years and package the same message again in different paper. Has anyone ever questioned this and done anything about it?

One argument I heard was ‘it’s suppose to be like this, each learning from their journey in their life, some suffering more than other, we all have a different lesson to learn.’ Really? Until the divide gets so enormous that the ‘poor’ masses storm the castle and kill the king and queen in disgust of their total lack of compassion for them. Even then, the patterns of human existance continue, round and round. There is no improvement as we have war, starvation, rape, etc. in abundance today as centuries ago.

So, abundance of the good stuff for the few and abundance of misery for the many.

I was flipping through Tolle’s ‘A New Earth’ before writing this blog and came across some sentences I had underlined a few years back. From page 290, ‘We are also learning that action, although necessary, is only a secondary actor in manifesting our external reality.  The primary factor in creation is consciousness. No matter how active we are, how much effort we make, our state of consciousness creates our world, and if there is no change on that inner lever, no amount of action will make any difference.’

Yes, we must start with self and create a internal change but it is not the change Tolle speak about here. I will get to that change a little further down.

First, it is quite ridiculous to suggest no amount of action will change the world. It is simply not true, a lie, and a convenient one so the ‘have’s’ can do nothing. He does, indeed sooth many of the world’s wealthy, guilty consciouness. No wonder Oprah loves this guy, these celebrities have millions and millions (some billions) so they throw some money at a charity, attend a few charitable functions and go to their ‘special’ place in their mind and ‘change the world’. WTF! The world does not change!  So the royalty of the U.S., the celebrities, have an ‘out’ in Tolle’s message.

Changing our consciousness will not change the world, or it would have done so already, with all the years of following Gods, angels, masters, thousands of spiritual books read, zillions of prayers/meditations put forth to the various higher powers believed in and nothing changes.

Stopping the mind, as in the conscious, sub-conscious, and unconscious will change the world, will change the human being.   I have experienced a malfunction of the mind called ‘mental illness’. You do not want to go there, however, I wanted to mention that, to assure you I know the mind is not what you believe it to be, it is not to be trusted as a benevolent part of you. Your dreams, visions, ‘ah ha’ moments are not from a loving creator/force in the universe you can trust. I realize that is shocking and ‘sad’.  Investigate Desteni.Org to learn the truth about the mind.

Ok, lets get back to ‘A New Earth’.  Again, I am quoting from a few lines I had highlighted when I read this book. According to Tolle, on page 269 ‘So be true to life by being true to your inner purpose. As you become present and thereby total in what you do, your actions become charged with spiritual power. At first there may be no noticeable change in what you do-only the how changes. Your primary purpose is now to enable consciousness to flow into what you do…there is now a deeper purpose that can only be found in the present, through the denial of time.’

How is being in the ‘now’ the ‘present’ a denial of time? It is not as it is directly connected to and in fact dependent upon  (to exist) the past and the future, which is time! It is deceptive, perhaps not purposefully so.

It is only by remaining ‘here’ in awareness, out of one’s mind in each moment of breath, that one is existing out of the construct of time.  Surely, Tolle himself has been living in the now for several years and must be charged with a shit load of ‘spiritual power’. To what end?  Is he making any headway changing our economic systems, changing the laws in our governments to ensure children are not used as slaves to produce goods western societies are so addicted to buying? Is he using this ‘spiritual power‘ to stop child pornography, perhaps for science to solve the problem of needed oil world wide or effectively spreading his message so many can get enough collective spiritual power to be significant for world peace?

No, he’ just getting richer from selling books and giving lectures. It’s all about self interest. He is spreading the message of the mind, the ‘consciousness’ to remain a slave to ‘feeling good’ in ‘peace’ while children carry guns, are held captive and used for labor and for sex. These children have no hope to experience a life anywhere near like he enjoys.

We don’t need a new earth, we need a new human being. 

We don’t need ‘spiritual power’, we need common sense. We know what is wrong. We know how to fix it. We can do this by rejecting self interest, once and for all and living, in each breath, what is best for all. Please join us in bringing heaven to earth. EqualMoney.Org   Desteni.Org

Well, it’s pretty rad, it actually means no Coach purses OR in time Coach purses for all!  Lol, I say this because I received a flyer in the mail today advertising the latest coach purse. I recall about 18 years ago a very wealthy friend defending her purchase of a $1000.oo coach purse (her therapist had told her to get over her guilt that she was ‘privileged’ and start enjoying life without the burden of guilt-and she has ever since, lol). I was dirt poor at the time but I was suppose to be ‘big’ enough for this financial gap not to bother me, nothin a few drinks couldn’t fix. So, 18 years ago they were making one thousand dollar coach purses, hence the reason I did not bother investigating this flyer further.

My point is, everyone wants quality, coach is a very high quality product so why wouldn’t anyone want a useful, practical product? To live absolute is to supply this for all who have a need for it firstly, then for all who just want one for pleasure. To live absolute would be to delete the brand name, as privately owned for profit company, as why would there be a ‘company’ label on the product, no need because no company.

Certain individuals would make this needed product, from a best for all starting point, so that the product would last ie. 50 years and the product is priced so it is attainable to all who need/want it.  Living absolute would mean the factory workers, who make the purse would be paid an equal wage as all inhabitant of this earth so they have no need to ‘fight’ for higher wages.  They would also live free of a mortgage, rent, utility bills as all necessities would be provided for freely.

Living absolute would mean the factory workers, managers, sales staff, cleaning staff, office staff, etc. would all have equal ‘ownership’ in the purse factory because there would be no ownership! Ownership not required , never was, just one of the many purposefully, confusing economic ‘realities’ of capitalism based on this well documented theory: if you throw enough shit at a wall, some of it will stick.

Can you see the beauty in living absolute?  Less fear results in less illness, results in increased cooperation, results in increased production… Let’s let the snowball of ‘best for all’ roll for awhile.  Another capitalistic lie, there is not enough to go around.

Living absolute mean no separation. So if you are me and I am you, we won’t bother about trying to manipulate

each other by suggesting my purse is better that yours or  I deserve mine and you don’t.  I won’t talk nasty about your purse behind your back because that would be me, using my mind based on  opinions and judgements. Where did I get that opinion? From my mind as a past experience, from what my parents or government told me, or from my mind as learned polarities of good/bad, better/less than, inferior/superior.  To live absolute means to shut down the mind as who and what you are and to live within/from a starting point of always asking ‘what is best for ALL?’ within each and every situation imaginable.’

Is that drastic, severe? Not to me, to me it is drastic to kidnap/hold captive  and repeatedly rape a 4 year old girl, take naked photos of her and videos so other men can jerk off. To me it is severe to starve an innocent little baby for a whole year before it dies, so it only knew suffering and agony for it’s entire ‘life’, when it was totally avoidable/not necessary BUT WE DID NOTHING.

To live absolute means no separation, you are indeed one and equal with all that exists here; humans, animals and the plant kingdom. So your father is my father, there are no separate families or government philosophies, afterall, we are the family of human kind (I use this term with some trepidation).

Why would I judge your purse (as old, unworthy, inferior, better than mine) when I could, just as easily, get one the same or a style that I prefer, if I want/need.  Everything I am saying here would be applied with and within common sense. No one would be allowed 100 coach purses as this would indicate some form of mental confusion and indicate ‘fear’ of lack (using ones mind), that results in the unwarranted act of hoarding.  This would be viewed for what it is , a mental problem that requires correction/assistance.

It may seems silly to use Coach purses as an example of what it means to live absolute but seems just as silly  as any other example to me.  Afterall, coach purses for all, truly would be heaven on earth darling!