Posts Tagged ‘separation’

I realized when doing muscle communication, part of my *Dip course, I have a huge resentment toward my husband. A few mornings ago I, not only reacted but over-reacted to the simple act of him turning off some lights,  first thing in the morning. Just recently I have been getting up first, now I am no longer taking any sleep medication I require much less sleep (awesome!).

When my husband, Alex gets up at 7am it is just getting light out so I still have the lights on and I am usually sitting at my computer.  He turned off the hall light upstairs and then came downstairs and turned off the dining room light, without asking me. I went ballistic. My justification was that, since I work at home, it was like he was in my office and how dare he make a decision that affected my ability to do my work.

I felt guilty about my over-reaction. I also brought into the ‘fight’ that he and his daughter are inconsiderate by leaving their personal belongings all over the house, not cleaning up the kitchen after themselves, etc.

I googled the difference between anger and resentment. I seems that anger is experienced in the moment-for the event that is occurring and resentment runs deeper as an emotion of anger built up over time for issues one has not dealt with let alone resolved.

What I then realized is that I am resentful towards him for not being open to moving and not being open to getting a loan so we can finish our renovations, which inhibits our ability to act should we decide to move.

We are so broke all the time, as our mortgage is large and the property tax is large as well as the bills to run the home (it is not a large home but not small either). So he is constantly turning down the heat, turning off lights etc. to reduce expenses. Although I agree with this strategy, I feel he goes to extremes about it and I want to be comfortable with small things in my home.

I believe we can live quite fine in a condo or smaller home. As well I worry that interest rates in Canada will rise (the government is warning the public this could happen at any time now) and as a consequence the housing market will crash and we will lose the equity we have in our home and end up owing more than we have, for example the value of the home drops to 100 and we owe 200. Therefore, we will not have any equity/money left to purchase a new home or even afford an apartment.

Whereas, if we moved now we would have a good sum to purchase a smaller property, even be mortgage free and thus reduce the financial stress in our lives and have money to assist our children with university, I could save to go to the Desteni Farm, he could go on a golf trip, whatever, not be cash strapped!

Thought: I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting.

Realizations: I realize Alex is doing his best to get along with me and ‘save’ our home. I realize he believes the market will subside/adjust somewhat and then slowly increase over time as we live in a ‘desirable’ location and the economy rises and falls and it will continue to do so as it did with our parents generation. I realize he thinks I adhere to some doomsday prophecy which he believes is unrealistic and I should not ‘worry’.  I realize it is my responsibility to address thoughts, feelings and emotions that come up inside of me and to communicate this calmly to another being when appropriate and not in reaction. I realize Alex loves and respects me and does intend the best for all of us as a family. I realize both he and Campbell have improved in picking up after themselves.

Acceptances & Allowances: I no longer accept and allow myself to react in anger and resentment towards Alex when he does things in the home to save money, we discuss bills, I bring up the option of moving, we are stressed before ‘payday’, the kids need money, we talk about our renovation.

Self Forgiveness:  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, ‘I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of each and every movement within me so as to be responsible for my thoughts, feelings and emotions and not blame Alex for what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Alex as wrong and me as right, within the mind consciousness’s design of polarity thinking instead of focusing on myself and the issue so we can find a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm myself by carrying issues within my human physical body by keeping silent in the moment when an issue arises, thereby creating resentment within and as me and unleashing this resentment toward someone I love and respect and causing them suffering.

Self-Corrective Application:  Whenever I go into an energetic reaction of resentment toward the thought, ‘I hate Alex for penny pinching by turning off lights all the time and not agreeing to sell our home so we are not continually cash poor and stressed out and fighting’ I stop, I breathe. I no longer accept and allow energy as a reaction inside of me to go unnoticed and not addressed. I remind myself it is all about money (which is not even real) and we are both working and life is very expensive. I remind myself Alex is my companion whom I appreciate as he offers me endless support and company. I bring myself back to the physical and out of my mind of thought, to what is in fact real and continue breathing with awareness of each breath here. I get on with my day.

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